Some awesome and some damage control

We have had two wonderful and entertaining evenings with Noah. Well, Rich did tonight and we both did last night. The difference in Noah when he feels he is in a safe environment, and I think being with one or both of us helps make unfamiliar environments safer (which is a huge step forward for him), is akin to the difference between night and day.

The more I understand about attachment the more I understand Noah. Even when his behavior doesn't quite make sense, I'm becoming OK with the confusing pieces. Even if I can't quite figure out how to express it here.

Today Rich and Noah went to see the Union play soccer. I bought Rich the tickets for Father's Day. Rich said Noah was awesome (and yes, we are learning how to redefine awesome!). They went out to dinner after and Noah asked a lot of great questions about our family history and family tree. It's very cool to see him process that Rich and I have parents and grandparents and they had parents, etc. etc. And want to know about them.

That was the awesome! 

And then Noah said this tonight after they got home and I was answering some of those family tree questions.

"Why did Papa make us leave?"

And all I could think was "fuck" and I hedged a bit and said "honey, they didn't make us leave" and Rich said "it was just the right time for us to go."

And Noah said "No, he made us leave, because Derfy scratched me with his claws and I cried."

And again, I'm thinking "fuck"  This boy can't remember what we sent him to the next room to get, but he remembers something that happened over 18 months ago and in vivid detail.

So I told him a shallow layer of the truth. That Mommy and Mama and Papa argued and that because we didn't think we could all be nice to each other right then that Mommy and Daddy thought it was better if we came home.

And Noah said "no, Papa made us leave." 

I tried to explain that no one made us leave, and that I'm so sorry he remembers it like that, and that he saw everyone be mad at each other. But that no one was mad at him, and that Papa did not make us leave.

This poor boy thinks it was his fault. And has had that inside him since it happened.

Rich and I are so very careful not to talk about any of this in front of Noah, even when it was at its worst and most emotional time for me. We only speak positively about my family to him!

Some day Noah is going to want to talk about why my side of the family has nothing but a shadow of a  presence in his life. Right now it's easy to explain that they live far away and it isn't easy to see them. That isn't going to work with him forever.  Someday he is going to understand that my family chose to not try and understand him.

I totally get that Noah's issues are very difficult to understand. Hell, I'm just starting to understand them myself. What I can't understand though is my families near abandonment of Noah and lack of support for me and Rich as we try and figure out how to help Noah. Even after reading this blog! Knowing they read this blog and continue to keep their distance makes it even more hurtful and confusing to me.

Now I need to figure out how to do some damage control to fix 19 months of a little boy thinking he is the reason "we had to leave."

Thoughts?

Friends - part 1

This morning I stood awkwardly with three other mothers from my neighborhood, as I waited for Noah’s bus to arrive.

Two of them have kids Noah’s age and the other is our next door neighbor. They are all very nice. They have all lived in the neighborhood for at least five years. And yet, the only one that I really know is our next door neighbor.

They were standing on the sidewalk in front of my house chatting when I went outside to wait with Noah. The bus had already picked up their kids.

I put my briefcase in the car and started it to defrost the windows. Then I stood their awkwardly wondering if I should go up to them or wait where I was. After a minute or so I slowly walked up to them, feeling even more awkward.

And I know it is so ridiculous that I feel that way. These are perfectly nice women. Women that I have made no effort to friend. That I don’t know how to friend.

We chatted for a few minutes about sick kids and how busy the next few months were going to be. Then Noah’s bus came and I excused myself to go to work. They were still standing there when I drove away.

I wonder what they think of me, if they think of me at all. I doubt they sense my awkwardness. I fear they think I am standoffish or strange. They know something is different about Noah because the “short” bus picks him up, but they never ask about it. I just know that our next door neighbor doesn’t want her kids to play with him, which given his past aggression with her middle son I don’t blame, although it still kills me a little inside.

I don’t know how to bridge this gap that I have created with the women in my neighborhood. I don’t know how to jump in and all of a sudden be one of them. I don’t think they would push me away, but at the same time I think they would wonder why suddenly I’m interested.

Later that day was when we received the email from Rich's brother about Thanksgiving and Noah. I cried. And then I picked up the phone, needing to talk to somebody. And I held the phone in my hand, looked at it, and cried harder because I had absolutely no one I felt I could call. 

Every week in karate class there is a lesson. Our instructor sits down with us for a few minutes and tells a story and relates it to life. This week it had to do with how what we put out there comes back to us. He started it with a story about a child learning what an echo was. Then talked about how like tends to attract like. That people that act similarly tend to attract each other. That looking at your friends is like looking in the mirror in some ways. If you come home from spending time with a friend and frequently say, wow, he’s such a jerk, why do I go out with him, you might want to consider that maybe you are a bit of a jerk as well.

But what do you do if you have no friends? And don’t hang out with anyone? I look in the mirror and see nothing but a blank reflection.

Inlaw update

Well I've calmed down enough over the last two days or so that I figured it was safe to update you about the brother-in-law/sister-in-law situation (BIL/SIL).

The BIL called Rich yesterday to update him on a health issue the SIL had. So after the update Rich told his brother how hurt we were by his email and that we didn't think we were going to go there for Thanksgiving.

Apparently the BIL apologized and said we are family and he wants us there, but he just wants us to make sure that we occupy Noah and don't let him run around. And that we make sure we are supervising him. And then he told Rich that the last time we were there Noah hit their grandson, J.

So I've had time to think and process this, and talk about it with my therapist, and here is where I am at.

The facts are:

The BIL and SIL aren't bad people.

I don't blame them for being protective of their grandson, or for not enjoying Noah's outbursts or all his energy.

Noah has been aggressive towards J in the past. Unfortunately for J, who is the sweetest four year old I know, he and Noah are the only kids at these events and J does get the brunt of Noah's outbursts.

J's parents are the most understanding, gracious people I know. They have always been supportive of us and I have never once sensed they are upset with Noah or us, despite the fact that it would be completely understandable if they were.

Rich and I always take things for Noah to play with, but Noah, being a kid, would rather play with the things that the BIL and SIL have out for J.

These types of family gatherings are pretty much a recipe for disaster for Noah. Lots of people, a small space, making him wait to eat, an expectation that he will sit and wait quietly, and a constant undercurrent of disapproval. Not to mention he senses my anxiety and worry that he is going to do something.

So what am I going to do about it?

Hell if I know! Right now I still don't want to go there for dinner and have told Rich this.

I'm really not sure putting Noah in a situation that we know is likely to end badly for him is fair to him. Even if the BIL and SIL's feelings are understandable it still doesn't mean I want Noah to be subjected to them.

I spent some time considering if I was just giving in to Noah's behavior and excusing something that I shouldn't. And not taking an opportunity to try and teach him appropriate behavior. But, and this is something I'll be writing about soon, I just haven't had the time this week, we saw a new pediatric psychiatrist last week and for the first time I feel like we have a doctor that is looking at the entire picture and his thoughts of where to go next make sense! In a nutshell, he said that until we get what is going on in Noah's brain settled down we won't be very successful tackling his behaviors. What is going on with Noah is pretty much 50% brain chemistry and 50% true behavior. We do need to continue to make changes in how we parent and teaching him how to properly behave, but before that is going to be successful we need to get a handle on his wacky wiring.

So right now I'm trying to figure out if my reason for not going is a rationally based decision not to put Noah in a situation that isn't positive for him, or if its still my being pissed off and not wanting to deal with the inlaws.

I'll keep you posted.

Another post where I admit my failings as a mother

Yesterday we were supposed to be at Knoebel's amusement park but we were rained out. This is a yearly trip we take with family friends. They camp out for a few days and we meet up with them for part of the time, but stay at a hotel. We tried the camping bit for a night last year and it was a massive fail. So we are just going to stick to the hotel and hang out with our friends in the evening, use their camp fire and drink their beer. It's really a win-win for everyone! Heh! Unfortunately, this year we met up with them, ate their food, drank their beer, played in their mud puddles, then went back to the hotel and swam in the pool. And then we woke up in the morning to rain that was going to continue all day, so we drove home instead of going to the park.

But wait, that wasn't really what I was going to talk about today, although I guess it's good background.

You see, the thing is, I dread going on these trips. Dread it! And it really has nothing to do with not being a big fan of amusement parks either.

It took three hours to get ready to leave the other morning, and that was with Rich helping (and not the typical "helping" but really, truly helping). And then we still spent the two hour drive going "did you remember....?" "Ummm...nope" "fuck"

But really, its not even the work of getting ready to go that's the problem, the problem is I'm constantly on edge wondering what Noah is going to do. And getting frustrated with his non-stop talking, and impulsive behaviors, and the mess, always the mess! Then you add in staying at a hotel and all of us sleeping in the same room with a kid who is up at the butt-crack of dawn and bouncing off the walls....

Traveling with most kids is difficult I guess; you are taking them out of their normal environment, messing with their schedules, etc. Noah probably isn't any different, just more extreme perhaps? And I know I don't help it when I'm on edge the entire time. But damn, I've been burned enough times over the last couple years with him that I can't let go of the feelings.

I used to enjoy traveling. I've done a fair amount of it, especially when I was younger. As I've gotten older my desire to travel has lessened. I really do prefer to be in my own home, my own bed, etc. That has nothing to do with Noah, that's just me and my homebody inclinations.

So combine the difficulty of travel with kids in general, Noah in particular, with my less than enthusiastic desire to travel and well, it makes that dread of traveling with Noah even more intense. And then I feel like a total shit and crappy mom.

I should want to do these things and create fun memories with my kids, right? Just because I don't like being away from home shouldn't prevent me from doing it, I know. Because as a Mom I'm supposed to forget about what I want and do things for my children, right? Even if it is hard, right? Even if I'm constantly worried about what Noah is going to do next, right?

I know that I need to expose Noah to these experiences. Sheltering him at home because I'm embarrassed when he misbehaves isn't teaching him anything. Focusing on how much work it is to do these things doesn't help me enjoy it either. I see other families taking their kids places, kids with far worse "issues" than Noah, and they seem to handle it all so well.

I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say here, other than I feel very guilty that I hate doing these things with my family! I feel lazy and inadequate because I focus on how much work it is and how my patience is so limited.

Anyone else feel like this?

The obligatory BlogHer'09 post where I talk about all the wonderful people I met *squee* and discuss my social anxiety until you can't stand it.

Or the post for those of you who really want to know what it is like to go to BlogHer for the first time when you don't know anyone and you are socially stunted.


If you followed me at all over the last few days on Twitter you will know that I found BlogHer'09 amazing! And completely overwhelming. Talk about information and sensory overload!

I met a lot of people and am now totally confused about who I met when and who is who, etc. etc. I still need to go through all my business cards and try and sort things out.

I had a mental list of people that I wanted to meet, many of them women whose blogs I have been reading since I started blogging four years ago. I was able to introduce myself to several of them and even have a conversation with a few. It must be a little strange to some of them to be approached like that by complete strangers. I always feel awkward doing it, so I have a feeling I come off awkwardly too. I was a little disappointed by the responses I received from three blogger's in particular, but to be fair I'm not sure I was approaching them at the most opportune time. And again, hello awkwardness!

I will say though that of the blogging "stars" that I met Anissa at Free Anissa has to be the most genuine person I've ever met! Someday I'm going to get a chance to talk to her when she isn't being accosted by all the other women who want to get in her bra. Jenny The Bloggess was the most gracious when I accosted introduced myself to her, and has me pretty much believing she actually knows who I am! And there was Jozet at Halushki, who was very calm and collected when I realized I was sitting right next to her during one of the sessions and screamed "OMG, I love you, you are on my LIST!" like a total dweeb. She is also one of the most talented writers I know and I think she might even, like, talk to me again sometime!! Squeee!

Socially, in some areas I think I did better than I expected. Not knowing anyone there forced me to sit down at tables with strangers during the meals and sessions, and in doing so I met some very nice and very interesting women. In small settings (when I'm sitting down especially??) I'm not bad at actually talking with people.

I didn't however, make it to any of the parties in the evening, and I'm still deciding if I'm disappointed in myself that I didn't. Friday night I was exhausted by the time the sessions were over and was asleep by 10pm. Although I regret that I missed the specific parties that were held that night, I think staying in was the better choice. Saturday I don't have a good excuse for staying in, other than I really don't LIKE big parties with lots of noise and lots of people. So I have this internal debate going on, where I alternate between telling myself that its OK that I don't like parties and that there is nothing wrong with not going to something I don't like, and telling myself that I'm a looser and need to make myself do these things. I'm sure that because I didn't go to the parties I missed several opportunities to actually get to know some of the women I've wanted to meet for a while.

I've always been shy, and I don't think that is something that just goes away. It doesn't matter how many happy pills I take...the social anxiety doesn't ever really go away. I pretty much feel like I'm right back in high school.

Over all I'm very happy with the experience I had. I'll talk more tomorrow about what I learned and what I took home with me (and I'm not talking about the swag!). I think I'll do a few things differently next year, like have a roommate, who will hopefully force encourage me to do more socially while holding my hand. I'll also do some more networking before I go and have some firm plans to meet with some of the women I've come to know online over the last couple years, that I feel especially comfortable with. And I'll make sure that I don't get a case of the runs in the middle of the Community Keynote and have to leave and miss a bunch of great speakers! Yeah, for real...

Headed to BlogHer'09 tra-la tra-la! Please ignore my shaking hands.

OK, so I'm basically packed for BlogHer and ready to go. I'm nervous as hell, although once Rich helped me figure out what to wear that settled down a little bit.

I'm a little bummed that I'm likely going to miss out on all the social functions tomorrow though, although the reason is awesome. I'm going to see my best friend Jocelyn (hopefully) and my best friend from college - Kristin.

Kristin is picking me up from the airport. The original plan was Jocelyn would meet us at the hotel and the three of us would hang out all evening and have a PJ party in the room. And maybe I'd slip out to a few events, or try and sneak them in with me.

Well, Jocelyn's husband sucks and he's not doing anything to help with their kids and she couldn't find anyone to watch them Friday morning, so she can't stay. I guess the plan now is to meet her an hour or so outside of Chicago for dinner.

So, back to BlogHer...I'm nervous. I didn't do the pre-conference networking I had planned on doing so I'm pretty much going there not knowing anyone. My biggest social fear! And, I'm not sharing a room with anyone, which is great from the wanting to sleep by myself with no kids or cats waking me up standpoint, but not so good from the having someone make me leave me room standpoint.

So if you are at BlogHer and you are reading this, please make sure I leave my room!

Thank you!

On a completely different note, this past week has been a week of firsts, which I'm prepared to share with you all now.

• I used a neti pot for the first time. I can't say I have enjoyed it; however, my sinuses do feel clearer. Not as dramatically as I had expected though.

• I used the Diva cup for the first time. Definitely a learning curve there, but I think I got it down. Most definitely something I'm going to stick with.

• Kiel had his first haircut, which I wrote about earlier this week.
• Noah decided to listen to the boys in his group at camp when they told him peeing on the pavilion floor would be funny. So he dropped trough and peed on the floor. All the children laughed, then promptly tattled on him. The adults were pretty much dumbfounded, as was I when they told me.

• Noah earned his yellow belt in Karate!

• Kiel said "hat" today.

• Noah has decided he is a contortionist. Evidence below:
• 
• Rich sent me flowers at work on Tuesday. Unfortunately I wasn't actually AT work on Tuesday. Ooopps. I did get them today though and they are gorgeous! I think he wants to make sure I really do come home on Sunday after my little taste of freedom.
• Please ignore the pile of junk next to them. And yes, there are two bottles of wine sitting there. What you don't see is the bottle of vodka, bottle of rum, and bottle of tequila that are sitting next to the wine.

• And, of course, I am going to BlogHer tomorrow, also a first. And my first time away since well before Kiel was born. Wheeee....

OK, I'm off to bed, where I'll probably not sleep because of nerves and excitement.

Remind me to tell you about the EMDR I did with my therapist in preparation for BlogHer. Yeah, that's how bad my social anxiety is. And if you really want a laugh ask me how my ball of yarn is.

And still, it is their loss.

I was sorting through some papers today and I came across the letter that my mother wrote in March. You know, the three typewritten pages full of how awful I am and what a shitty mother I am. Yeah, much love. I stupidly read the letter again today, just to see if it was really as awful as I remembered it. And yes, It was.

There has been no real contact since then, except for cards and flowers sent for birthdays, Mothers Day and Fathers Day. Dad got a cactus for Fathers Day. I wonder if he got the significance. Probably not. The cards include art work from the boys.

My mom sent a type written thank you note for the mothers day flowers. A couple weeks ago a box arrived with Noah's name on it and it was full of buckets and other cheap sand toys. They did send some stuff for Easter as well, like a bag of plastic eggs that needed to be filled with candy and some scary ass stuffed animals. They hang out at WalMart a lot it seems, now that one made it to Fowlerville.

So yeah, I read the letter, and I chuckled a bit. I've had time to process the ridiculousness of it. I do a lot of eye rolling when I think of it.

Yes, part of me still wants to respond to their crazy accusations and revisionist history. But, I know there is truly no point. They aren't going to change how they view our relationship.

So what we have here is a non-relationship. I am now the un-daughter and I'm getting more and more comfortable with it.

All my commitments to them were done in June once Fathers Day was over. Now I have no obligations to them until Christmas.

That is a huge relief!

It's a relief not having to make the weekly phone call, or respond to my mothers two sentence emails with the expected paragraphs.

It's a relief not having to try and explain Noah, his latest diagnosis, or treatment, or why he is at summer camp with a TSS.

It's a HUGE relief that we don't have to make the trip to visit them in Michigan, and that I don't have to put up with them in our house if they visit us here.

I'm still sad with the concept of what is going on - that we have no real contact with my family. It's a strange thing for me. But it is also very freeing.

I'm just sad that it seems I'm losing my brother and sister in law in all of this. I saw my sister was online on yahoo mail a couple weeks ago and I tried to talk to her. She answered me and we spoke for about 2 minutes, then she had to leave. I haven't seen her pop up since, so I'm assuming she has blocked me. Not surprising though that they would take the path my parents are on. I've always been the strange older sister to them too.

Time to end the drama...

Finally heard from my parents.

In the form of a three page letter. Snail mail.

Part of me wants to post it here but I'm going to refrain for now. It starts and ends with "we don't want to hurt you, but..." and is all "you are a disrespectful daughter and an ineffective parent that lets her kids run the show" in the middle.

Apparently since college I have frequently spoken rudely to them and am just plain nasty. They are no longer going to tolerate it.

But they do want me to be happy. (yes, they really said that)

So, ummm...yeah, now what...

I'm still processing. Trying to reconcile their obviously negative view of me with how I see myself.

I'm also trying to figure out their revisionist history, which includes my grandmother being my mom's best friend. All I can say to that is "In what universe?"

My therapist has me reading a book called The Borderline Parent, about adult children who had a parent with borderline personality disorder, which she thinks may fit my parents. My homework for her is to write them a letter disputing their letter, or explaining why I feel the way I do, or perhaps both. But not to send it!

I honestly don't believe there is anything I can do that is going to change how they see me or my life. I just need to learn to accept them as the limited emotional people they are and move on. I certainly don't think there will be much/any contact with them in the near future.

Annoyed by my drama yet?

I just received this email from my mother. No greeting, nothing in the subject line, just this. This is the first I have heard from my parents since we left at Christmas.

We are making a list of our house contents and who we want things to go to after we die. Grandma did this, and I think that we all appreciated knowing who she wanted to have her things. Is there anything in the house that you would like your name next to and that you would accept responsibility for the cost of shipping or moving to your home?

First, WTF?

And second, WTF?

And third, who else do I think would pay for it if they are dead??? I wouldn't expect them to pay for it if they were alive??

And fourth, WTF?

I feel like anything I respond with is going to be wrong.

Because I just can't let it go!

For the first time in as long as I can remember, my father didn't not send me flowers for Valentines Day. Not that I really expected he would, but still.

They haven't responded to any of my attempts at contact either, which has included emails, videos of the boys, a thank you note and a phone message. All very non-confrontational, with no mention of our "issues".

They did however send Noah a birthday present and card, and both boys Valentines cards.

But they signed them grandma and grandpa instead of MomMom and PaPa like they have always been called and always signed things in the past. Does this mean anything? Am I just reading in to things?

I'm still at a loss as to what to do, short of calling them and grovelling. Since I don't grovel and I don't think I'm wrong, that won't be happening.

Confessions of Mommy Needs Therapy

Hi, my name is Kristine. And I'm an addict.

To Bubble Spinner. That's why I haven't been around much lately. I can't stop playing this damn game!

In fact, just going to get the link I had to stop and give it a spin. I dare you. Give it a try.

*************

I fell today. Hard. Kind of on my left side. I have a big bruise on my left upper arm, and my wrist and knuckles hurt. I'm kind of embarrassed. Because I fell off my desk chair. While I was sitting on it. All I did was lean down to pick something up, and there I went. Slow motion fall. Ouch.

*************

I peed myself the other night. While I was watching TV.

Also, I'm a 12 year old boy.

*************

And this may have turned me on just a little bit.

check out the outtakes here.

The big breakup

**It's taken me close to a month to write this, for many reasons, but I want to finally get it out there**

I'm going to attempt to write this without getting too emotional and all "my parents suck...wah wah wah."

First I should say over all we had an awesome holiday. Christmas morning was so much fun with both boys. Just like I dreamed it would be! They loved everything. Noah was so excited and had as much fun with Kiel's gifts as his own. Kiel was just the happy baby he always is and played with everything. If I can find my camera soon I'll get some pictures up.

So, now for the heavy stuff.

We did indeed go visit my parents in Michigan. Rich really thought we should, and after the talk with my mom I was somewhat optimistic. We all agreed we needed to sit down after the boys were in bed one night and talk about how everyone was feeling.

We drove out there on the 27th. All day the 26th I had this feeling of dread and kept putting off packing and getting ready. But I gave myself a pep talk and by the next morning I was feeling optimistic and even a little excited.

Our drive out was pretty uneventful except for Noah getting a fever and Rich starting to feel sick about half way there. Noah's fever made him pretty low key for the drive though, and he wasn't feeling miserable, just tired and lethargic. He was actually really pleasant to be with. LOL I drove about half the way which is more than I usually do. We made it in 9 1/2 hours which is the best time we've ever made. Usually it is closer to 12 hours.

Rich and Noah were both sick for most of the visit. Rich with a bad cold and Noah with a fever. Noah's fever improved with acetaminophen and he felt pretty good during the day. It came back in the evening though. Which unfortunately was when my brother and his family were around or when my Dad was around the most.

For the most part Noah's behavior was pretty good. He had a few times where he acted like a brat. Mostly in the evening, and always when he had a fever. One time was kind of awful, as my brother and his family were there and we were exchanging Christmas presents. I just ignored Noah, then finally took him upstairs and got him changed in to his pajamas and calmed down. His behavior did suck, but in all fairness to him, he had a fever and we had made him wait for dinner for well over an hour past his usual time, then everyone took forever to eat and made him wait what seemed like an eternity to him I'm sure, until we opened presents.

I spent some time earlier that day talking with my sister in law about what was going on with Noah. I could tell she just didn't get it. She said very little when I talked about the PDD. I was telling her about how hard it was at soccer sometimes with the other parents and how they reacted to him. Her response was something along the lines of "well, every parent feels like they are being looked at."

So, fast forward to the evening of the third day we were there. Rich wanted to take Noah and two of my nephews to the movies. I asked my mom if she would watch Kiel so I could go to the movies too. She said yes, only somewhat reluctantly.

So we went to the movies and had a good time. We came back about 6:30pm and I went in the house first because I was anxious to see Kiel. My mom made a big deal about him napping in her arms for 2 hours and 40 minutes. Then she made some comment about me still sleeping with Kiel when he was in his marriage bed.

Noah and Rich came inside and my parents dog, a yappy, jumpy little Lhasa Apso named Derf started jumping up on Noah and kept saying "no" and pushing him away. Derf wouldn't stop and he eventually scratched Noah on the chest and Noah started crying.

My Dad blew a gasket and yelled at Noah and said "enough! get that boy out of here."

Rich and I were stunned. And then I was pissed.

I went over to my Dad, who turned to walk away from me. I grabbed his arm to turn him around and told him that it was not OK for him to yell at my children.

My Mom came over to me and started to yell about me respecting my dad.

Then my Dad went around and started taking down the baby gates and made a comment along the lines about it not being their responsibility to watch my children.

Rich and I just looked at each other and went upstairs and started packing. When we came downstairs with the first load I heard my mom say "here come the suitcases and tears."

My parents just sat in their chairs looking at the TV while we packed up the car. Then my mom said she wanted to say something to me. So I turned to look at her and she told me that "Noah would be a delightful child if you disciplined him" and some other comments along those lines.

The whole thing was just unreal. It blows my mind that my mother would think it was OK for my dad to yell at Noah because he was crying. And when I tried to call her on that all she would say was she loved her husband and she supported him. Clearly they have issues with me and with Noah and it all came out there.

I think they were relieved that we were leaving. Once we got a few hours away from them I know Rich and I were.

So we haven't heard from them since other than them sending us a suitcase that we forgot. I called to thank them for sending it to us and left a message as no one answered. I've sent them a couple emails but have not heard back from them on those either.

So there you have it. I think my parents and I broke up.

I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about it. I feel a little like an orphan actually. That and I'm incredible disappointed in them.

I don't see how we can visit them again. And I certainly don't want them to visit us. I can't purposely put my kids in that kind of situation.

And that my friends, is why I need therapy.

Why I love my therapist

She said my mother is psycho,

and called my dad a doofus.

She said some other great stuff tonight too, but those two things made me smile.

Another rant on the 'rents

My mother wrote me a long email last week. It was full of statements like "We have known for a long time that you don't like us." (huh?) and "We hardly heard from you from the time of our visit in February to your visit in August. I used to joke about the T.V. commercial about the mother passing out when her son or daughter called on Mother's Day, saying that I would probably do the same." (OMG, is she Jewish?) and "I sent you emails every week trying to be upbeat but never got responses"(do I need to send them copies of all the emails I sent them) and "We have missed seeing the boys grow but it seemed like the best choice" (best choice???) and "You seem to think that we ignored Noah. It probably seemed that way, but whenever we talk to him you take offence with what we say." (huh?)

And then there was some stuff about me being jealous of my brother and how I need to get over it. And then this bit,

"We happen to be your parents. None of us get to hand select who will be our parents. If we did such a lousy job, move on with your life and make it what you want of it. The past does NOT have to influence your future. Your future is what YOU make of it!!!"

I don't even know what to say to that! It didn't even fit in with the rest of the letter!

It's pretty clear they have had issues with me for quite a while, years even. How sad that it has come to this. I really don't understand why if they have been feeling this way for so long they would wait this long to let it out.

So I replied, very respectfully I might add, to their email with an almost point per point response. I let it sit for a few days, had Rich read it with me, read it probably twenty times myself, and finally tonight I sent it. I have no real idea of what to expect.

I'm not going to sit back and let them shit all over me, but I'm also not trying to bring up any new issues. So much of what she wrote just seemed over the top. Like she's spent way to much time stewing and letting things get bigger and bigger inside her head.

Interesting is that a couple years ago, around the time it seems, according to her email, that the issues started, she stopped taking her antidepressant medication. Coincidence?? Hmmm..

Kind of funny though, is that in this email and one she sent two weeks ago to Rich, she talks about us being their for Christmas. I'm not even sure how to answer that one nicely, so I didn't.

Someone please keep reminding me that I'm 40 and not 14, OK??

Still tired

Am still tired. Very, very tired.

And just got an email from my mother. She's unbelievable. Parts of it are so ridiculous that I can't even respond. Am coming to realize that all this shit started around the time she stopped taking her antidepressant medication a couple years ago. Oh the joy of having a crazy family.

So in lieu of a real post, here are some more pictures.

Now I'm going to go crawl in bed with the second Twilight book and pretend none of this is happening.

Update on the 'rents...and they can STILL #suckit

So, I finally received an email from my parents.

They will not be coming to Kiel's birthday party. They say they are not punishing the boys, but they do not feel I treat them with respect and will not put themselves in that situation anymore.

I am officially twelve years old again.

Why do I even care?

Update on the 'rents - they can #suckit

So I think I may have been disowned but no one told me.

I still haven't heard from my parents.

Several weeks ago I sent them the link to the pictures we had taken at JC Penney's. I never heard from them.

I sent them each an e-vite to Kiel's birthday party, and I know they opened it because it tells me it was viewed. Neither of them responded.

Last week I priority mailed them pictures of the boys and a CD with pictures and video. In it I included a note and specifically asked if they were coming for Kiel's birthday. The USPS tracking said it was delivered on Saturday. Still not a word from them.

I don't want to be, but I'm really upset. I can't believe they don't have the decency to respond. Not to mention it's their grandchildren they are ignoring.

Clearly they think I've done something awful. Calling them on their lack of attention to my children, and disagreeing with them on how to raise Noah, not to mention expressing my pain at never feeling like I was good enough for my dad, must be some pretty bad shit.

So I'm at a loss. Rich says I should just call them, and I suppose I should, but I'm being stubborn. I've made the first step, and the second, and the third.

The longer this goes on the harder it is going to be to get over it.

They suck...

The P.U. chronicles

Figure I'd update you on the parental unit drama.

I have not heard from my parents since the end of August. The last time I spoke with them was to let them know we arrived home OK.

Last week I sent them the link to the pictures we had taken of the boys. I figured that was a non confrontational way to make first contact.

It's been a week. And nothing! Nada!

I'm not sure if I'm more hurt or more angry.

It will be very interesting to see if they come for Kiels birthday, which is in just over a month. Shit, at this point it will be interesting to see if I even hear from them.

part 5 - a little about growing up

I almost feel like I need to defend my mother now. Ughh...

I really appreciate everyone's support about all of this. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

My parents aren't horrible people, and I certainly didn't have a horrible childhood. My dad was probably pretty typical from that era. He worked, came home, my mom waited on him, he watched TV, read the paper, etc. She took care of us kids.

I really don't remember ever sitting in my dad's lap, or snuggling with him. He never read to us or tucked us in at night.

Mostly I remember the times he gave me "advice."

I don't ever recall him telling us he loved us without one of us saying it first. I do know he does love us. I just never really felt I lived up to his expectations. I still don't.

My mother on the other hand was more affectionate and loving when we were younger. She went through several years of depression when I was in my teens. At that time in our life I felt more like I was the mother taking care of her, than her taking care of me. It had an impact on our relationship that she would never acknowledge.

She's not a bad person though. And her comment about leashing Noah sounds so much worse than I think she ever intended. That's not usually the way she comes across. For god sakes, she taught special ed classes for 1st, 2nd and 3rd grades for almost 30 years. It's not like Noah is an unknown entity to her. I think that's why I'm having such a hard time understanding the way she is treating him.

Oh well...I'm off to my therapy appointment. Thank god for my therapist. She is amazing and is really helping me work though a lot of this crap.

Part 2 - grandparent lessons anyone?

Growing up I had two grandmothers; Grandma, my mother’s mother, who I have written about before (here and here) and Granny, my father’s mother. Now Granny, despite the name connoting someone warm and cuddly and a lover of children was anything but with my brother and me. We probably saw her once a year or so when we were younger, then as we were in our teens less often. She died when I was a sophomore in college.

During my childhood she did not live near us. We were in England until I was two, and then in Michigan. She lived in Texas and then California.

I know some of the emotional distance had to do with my father. Apparently at some point she told her sister that my father was cold. Her sister came for a visit once and some how that was brought up and my father was pissed and hurt that his mother said that. They didn’t speak for a while, and certainly didn’t visit.

My mother never had good things to say about Granny. They considered her selfish, irresponsible with money, and basically an all around bitch.

My Grandma on the other hand lived very close to us from the time I was five. When I was three she and my grandfather and my parents bought a farm together (160 acres) in south-central Michigan. We lived in the original farmhouse and my grandparents built a house for themselves farther back in the property. Not right next door in city thinking, but definitely so in farm thought. It was a little more than a quarter mile walk back to them.

I have such good memories of times spent with my grandparents. I remember her telling me stories at bedtime about “the lost girls.” I remember oatmeal for breakfast, with brown sugar and raisins. My grandfather called it “glue.” I remember my grandfather taking me to Greenfield Village in Dearborn, MI. And my grandmother taking my cousin and me to Europe when we were 16. There was time spent cooking with my grandmother and working in the garage workroom with my grandfather. Spending the night with them often. And many, many more memories.

I see my parents being at a bit of a crossroads right now. Are they going to be “grannies” or “grandmas?”

It’s become amazingly clear during this visit that my parents don’t enjoy playing with my kids. They also don’t seem all that interested in making any memories with them.

The other day I asked mom if she would like to get Kiel dressed. Her response? Uh, no, I think I’ll let you do that.

Taking the boys for a walk last night I asked them to come. Their response, a resounding no thanks, we’ll go later. When I commented that I thought they would like to spend time with their grandchildren my mom said “we spend plenty of time with them.”

Go to the zoo with us? NO.
Go to Huckleberry Railroad with us? NO.

Walk down to the beach and playground with us? Noah wants you to see him swing on the rings. NO.

And not once an offer to take them for an hour and give us a break.

When I asked if they would watch them the other evening so we could go out to dinner with my brother and my sister-in-law, my mom’s response was “well, the boys will be tired after a long day, they will just want you, not us.”

Queen of passive aggression is she.

So the question is do I keep trying to make memories for my kids with them? Because not only is it their loss, it’s my children’s loss too.

Visiting my parents is not enjoyable for Rich and me. It’s a long ass drive to start with. Noah never sleeps well if we aren’t at home. Rich ends up sleeping in my brother’s old room with Noah and I sleep in my old room with Kiel. Rich and I don’t ever get to sleep together. Believe me, there is no nookie in my old bed. By the time we go home we are exhausted from lack of sleep and frustrated from trying to keep Noah on his best behavior so my parents don’t give us “the look” or offer us their “parenting wisdom.”

I’m thinking of firing them for a while. Oh, wise internet friends, what do you think?