I can't even begin to express how lucky I am to have my "Soul Sisters" behind me. The amount of support and love they have given me is immeasurable. I have no doubt that we would not be moving forward with Noah as we are if I had not met them.
One of the best sources of support for our group is that we have a private place to chat with each other. The only place many of us can really let it all out and say the hard stuff, that "normal" people would not understand.
Everyone there is struggling with their kids. Kids that are dealing with developmental delays and mental illness. So many different diagnoses: RAD, ADHD, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, PTSD, FASD, ASD, PDD, etc. etc. All of the children hurt by trauma of some type.
We are families that are struggling to keep it together. That are fighting to stay safe. That are fighting to find services for our children. That are fighting to keep even the smallest bit of hope alive.
Many of the women I have met have lost relationships during their journey. Relationships with friends, coworkers, neighbors, parents, brothers and sisters, spouses.
It's painful, and isolating. And reinforces already complex feelings of failure because we haven't been able to "fix" our children.
And in some ways we kind of understand why these relationships have broken. Certainly if we don't understand our own children, how can we expect others too? So many of us have struggled for years trying to find the correct diagnoses, trying to find the right help. Reading book after book. Scouring the Internet for resources. Trying over and over again, and seeing little if anything help change our children's behaviors.
So we think we have failed. Again. And when our friends or family pull back, that reinforces the feelings of failure.
We know that "typical" parenting techniques don't work with our children. Believe me, I think we have all tried them. Of course we have tried them. Because that's what we hear from other parents, and even from professionals.
We joke together about how many times "sticker charts" or "picture schedules" have been suggested. How many times we have been told to use "natural consequences" and "time outs." Or the old school thoughts on spanking.
How often have we heard that "you let your child get away it." "If you were firmer with her she wouldn't do that." "You need to let him know who is the boss." "You let him run the show."
How often is it implied that we are the reason our children are "fucked up."
How often do we feel judged, and wonder if maybe "they" are right.
At a minimum our kids behaviors are annoying and frustrating, at their worst they are frightening.
So how can we blame others if they stay away. If they don't want to have our children around them?
Truth be told, I can't blame them. Yet, it doesn't mean we don't need our family and friends. It doesn't mean that it isn't very painful when those relationships are lost, whether the bonds are cut by them or by us.
It's not our children's fault that they are damaged. It's not our fault as their parents either.
It's ironic actually, that so many of us are trying to teach our kids what love is, and what family is, and how to trust others, yet we are lacking that in our own relationships with our own families.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Some awesome and some damage control
We have had two wonderful and entertaining evenings with Noah. Well, Rich did tonight and we both did last night. The difference in Noah when he feels he is in a safe environment, and I think being with one or both of us helps make unfamiliar environments safer (which is a huge step forward for him), is akin to the difference between night and day.
The more I understand about attachment the more I understand Noah. Even when his behavior doesn't quite make sense, I'm becoming OK with the confusing pieces. Even if I can't quite figure out how to express it here.
Today Rich and Noah went to see the Union play soccer. I bought Rich the tickets for Father's Day. Rich said Noah was awesome (and yes, we are learning how to redefine awesome!). They went out to dinner after and Noah asked a lot of great questions about our family history and family tree. It's very cool to see him process that Rich and I have parents and grandparents and they had parents, etc. etc. And want to know about them.
That was the awesome!
And then Noah said this tonight after they got home and I was answering some of those family tree questions.
"Why did Papa make us leave?"
And all I could think was "fuck" and I hedged a bit and said "honey, they didn't make us leave" and Rich said "it was just the right time for us to go."
And Noah said "No, he made us leave, because Derfy scratched me with his claws and I cried."
And again, I'm thinking "fuck" This boy can't remember what we sent him to the next room to get, but he remembers something that happened over 18 months ago and in vivid detail.
So I told him a shallow layer of the truth. That Mommy and Mama and Papa argued and that because we didn't think we could all be nice to each other right then that Mommy and Daddy thought it was better if we came home.
And Noah said "no, Papa made us leave."
I tried to explain that no one made us leave, and that I'm so sorry he remembers it like that, and that he saw everyone be mad at each other. But that no one was mad at him, and that Papa did not make us leave.
This poor boy thinks it was his fault. And has had that inside him since it happened.
Rich and I are so very careful not to talk about any of this in front of Noah, even when it was at its worst and most emotional time for me. We only speak positively about my family to him!
Some day Noah is going to want to talk about why my side of the family has nothing but a shadow of a presence in his life. Right now it's easy to explain that they live far away and it isn't easy to see them. That isn't going to work with him forever. Someday he is going to understand that my family chose to not try and understand him.
I totally get that Noah's issues are very difficult to understand. Hell, I'm just starting to understand them myself. What I can't understand though is my families near abandonment of Noah and lack of support for me and Rich as we try and figure out how to help Noah. Even after reading this blog! Knowing they read this blog and continue to keep their distance makes it even more hurtful and confusing to me.
Now I need to figure out how to do some damage control to fix 19 months of a little boy thinking he is the reason "we had to leave."
Thoughts?
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Birthday party success
Birthday party was a success! Everyone enjoyed seeing each other and ate well. Cake was enjoyed by all. I'll post pictures of Kiel and his smash cake tomorrow when I have more energy.
I didn't get a chance to nurse or pump all day so I'm taking a little break to pump while Rich takes the boys with him to take his mom home. When ever I go so long between nursing I end up screwing myself up and having less.
Noah did really well today. His social anxieties didn't seem to bother him too much, I think because he was on his home turf. He interacted well with everyone and even held some decent conversations. Rich's family all know about his "issues" and are very understanding. Several of them commented at different times during the party that they see improvement in him. That was really nice to hear.
They both looked adorable in matching shirts. Kiel charmed everyone. He's just so freaking cute! And I am just so biased! hehe
Boy am I tired...
I didn't get a chance to nurse or pump all day so I'm taking a little break to pump while Rich takes the boys with him to take his mom home. When ever I go so long between nursing I end up screwing myself up and having less.
Noah did really well today. His social anxieties didn't seem to bother him too much, I think because he was on his home turf. He interacted well with everyone and even held some decent conversations. Rich's family all know about his "issues" and are very understanding. Several of them commented at different times during the party that they see improvement in him. That was really nice to hear.
They both looked adorable in matching shirts. Kiel charmed everyone. He's just so freaking cute! And I am just so biased! hehe
Boy am I tired...
Saturday, September 06, 2008
Part 3 - my parents are on probation
Oh boy, it's been a crazy week.
Noah is rocking kindergarten, btw! Go Noah!
Work is crazy and I only had a day and a half in the office because Kiel is sick and I had to pick him up early on Thursday.
Wednesday was back to school night, which we didn't find out about until Tuesday night. So a bit of a scramble to get a baby sitter for Kiel. Noah had soccer practice, so Rich took him to that and I went to back to school night. Then raced from there to visit my therapist.
Which brings us back to the topic of the week, which was also the topic of my therapy appointment. My uber-disappointing parents.
I've had a little over a week now to think through all that happened on our visit.
Oh, I never told you guys the rest of the story. Silly me.
The evening after I wrote the post (Tuesday) about Granny vs. Grandma we were sitting around the campfire at my parent's little "retreat." Noah had been having a pretty good day, some moments of course, but come on, he's five. It came time for Noah to take one of his medications which gets mixed in some juice. Unfortunately we forgot to take the juice that he likes, so it was mixed in with some that he doesn't care for. The night before we struggled a bit to get him to take it, but he finally did.
It's not unusual for Noah to throw a small tantrum when he doesn't like something, but he usually gets himself back under control and then handles what ever it is. That evening he threw his little fit about the juice and Rich dealt with him, like we usually do, and in the way we know that will deescalate things, especially since we were "in public."
Well, my Dad had to throw in his 27 cents worth, and made it clear that he didn't agree with how we were handling things. And then Noah stuck his tongue out at us, which we just ignore. My mother literally gasped when he did that. Apparently tongue stuckage is a major offence in her book.
I wish I could remember exactly what my dad said to me, but the gist was that we weren't tough enough on Noah, and he needed a stronger hand and higher fences.
I pretty much lost it and told him he had no clue what we dealt with every day and what we were doing to try and help Noah. And how dare he question my parenting skills. Then I told him if he thought he could do better he should spend a week with Noah and prove it. His response was something about one of them not making it out alive by the end of the week. And then he stormed off.
My mother just sat there and said nothing. So I asked her if she thought we were at fault for Noah's behavior too. She refused to answer. So then I broke down and told her how hurt I was that they hadn't had any contact with the boys since November and that they had no idea what we were dealing with. And how I was tired of always disappointing them. And something about my Dad being cold and at least my kids would know that they were loved.
There was more, oh so much more, but I'm not going to bore you with it all.
I probably went a little too far, but at the same time, I didn't even come close to saying what I really wanted to say.
I spent the rest of the night in the trailer and didn't see my dad again until the next morning. Nothing more was said about it by either of them.
Rich and I decided that evening that we would leave Thursday morning to come back home. We were headed back to my parents house that morning (Wednesday) and had plans to see some family friends that afternoon.
We left the next morning. My parents never questioned our leaving early. I think they were very relieved to see us go frankly. Other than the obligatory call to them to let them know we arrived home safely, there has been no contact. Not even for our anniversary, which was this past Tuesday.
Clearly I am on the shit list. They have an amazing ability to always turn it around to be my fault.
Hmmm...my thoughts so far? Fuck them! I'm not going to accept responsibility for this.
As far as I'm concerned they are now on probation. They are going to have to prove themselves as grandparents. No longer will I set myself and my boys up for disappointment.
The big question though...Do I tell them they are on probation? Or do I just have no contact with them.
I'm so sad and hurt by all of this.
Noah is rocking kindergarten, btw! Go Noah!
Work is crazy and I only had a day and a half in the office because Kiel is sick and I had to pick him up early on Thursday.
Wednesday was back to school night, which we didn't find out about until Tuesday night. So a bit of a scramble to get a baby sitter for Kiel. Noah had soccer practice, so Rich took him to that and I went to back to school night. Then raced from there to visit my therapist.
Which brings us back to the topic of the week, which was also the topic of my therapy appointment. My uber-disappointing parents.
I've had a little over a week now to think through all that happened on our visit.
Oh, I never told you guys the rest of the story. Silly me.
The evening after I wrote the post (Tuesday) about Granny vs. Grandma we were sitting around the campfire at my parent's little "retreat." Noah had been having a pretty good day, some moments of course, but come on, he's five. It came time for Noah to take one of his medications which gets mixed in some juice. Unfortunately we forgot to take the juice that he likes, so it was mixed in with some that he doesn't care for. The night before we struggled a bit to get him to take it, but he finally did.
It's not unusual for Noah to throw a small tantrum when he doesn't like something, but he usually gets himself back under control and then handles what ever it is. That evening he threw his little fit about the juice and Rich dealt with him, like we usually do, and in the way we know that will deescalate things, especially since we were "in public."
Well, my Dad had to throw in his 27 cents worth, and made it clear that he didn't agree with how we were handling things. And then Noah stuck his tongue out at us, which we just ignore. My mother literally gasped when he did that. Apparently tongue stuckage is a major offence in her book.
I wish I could remember exactly what my dad said to me, but the gist was that we weren't tough enough on Noah, and he needed a stronger hand and higher fences.
I pretty much lost it and told him he had no clue what we dealt with every day and what we were doing to try and help Noah. And how dare he question my parenting skills. Then I told him if he thought he could do better he should spend a week with Noah and prove it. His response was something about one of them not making it out alive by the end of the week. And then he stormed off.
My mother just sat there and said nothing. So I asked her if she thought we were at fault for Noah's behavior too. She refused to answer. So then I broke down and told her how hurt I was that they hadn't had any contact with the boys since November and that they had no idea what we were dealing with. And how I was tired of always disappointing them. And something about my Dad being cold and at least my kids would know that they were loved.
There was more, oh so much more, but I'm not going to bore you with it all.
I probably went a little too far, but at the same time, I didn't even come close to saying what I really wanted to say.
I spent the rest of the night in the trailer and didn't see my dad again until the next morning. Nothing more was said about it by either of them.
Rich and I decided that evening that we would leave Thursday morning to come back home. We were headed back to my parents house that morning (Wednesday) and had plans to see some family friends that afternoon.
We left the next morning. My parents never questioned our leaving early. I think they were very relieved to see us go frankly. Other than the obligatory call to them to let them know we arrived home safely, there has been no contact. Not even for our anniversary, which was this past Tuesday.
Clearly I am on the shit list. They have an amazing ability to always turn it around to be my fault.
Hmmm...my thoughts so far? Fuck them! I'm not going to accept responsibility for this.
As far as I'm concerned they are now on probation. They are going to have to prove themselves as grandparents. No longer will I set myself and my boys up for disappointment.
The big question though...Do I tell them they are on probation? Or do I just have no contact with them.
I'm so sad and hurt by all of this.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
If my eyebrows still exist in a week you will know it was a good trip.
We are off this morning on a 12 hour drive to the ol' family farm in Michigan. Wish us well. Wish me sanity. Wish me lots of alcohol waiting for me at my parents house. The Xanax is already in my purse.
But don't worry my friends, in my absence I have left you well taken care of with several great guest bloggers! Check back tomorrow for the first guest post. You will not be disappointed!
But don't worry my friends, in my absence I have left you well taken care of with several great guest bloggers! Check back tomorrow for the first guest post. You will not be disappointed!
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Good news, more information and a new post.
Results back from Noah's blood work and everything was fine! (ha, ha I just typed "wine" instead of "fine." I think you know what that means!) No indication that there is anything wrong with his muscles. Everything else was great too! Big relief!
Also good news, the Risperdal seems to be having a positive effect on him. I think we will still need to increase his dose, but so far so good.
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And, another post up at Mommies With Style, all about Noah getting ready to start kindergarten.
*************************************
On my last post, Show and Tell of the feline variety, part 2 about Stel, Cassandra asked in the comments if Stel was short for something. And it reminded me that I forgot to include one of the best parts of his story. Stel, and his brother Mell, like all my cats, have pharmaceutically related names. Stel is short for Stelazine and Mell is short for Mellaril, both antipsychotic medications. They were two crazy kittens when we brought them home!
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Next week I'll be on vacation. Well, I'll be away visiting my family on the farm, not so much a vacation since it involves my parents. But anyway, the MNT blog won't be silent, as I have some very exciting guest posters lined up for your reading pleasure. Make sure you visit! And don't forget to give them some MNT love! I'll be back in September with what I'm sure will be some good posts about my mother. Because what's a visit to my parents if I'm not pulling my eyebrows out by the second day. Don't let me forget to take wine!
Also good news, the Risperdal seems to be having a positive effect on him. I think we will still need to increase his dose, but so far so good.
**************************************
And, another post up at Mommies With Style, all about Noah getting ready to start kindergarten.
*************************************
On my last post, Show and Tell of the feline variety, part 2 about Stel, Cassandra asked in the comments if Stel was short for something. And it reminded me that I forgot to include one of the best parts of his story. Stel, and his brother Mell, like all my cats, have pharmaceutically related names. Stel is short for Stelazine and Mell is short for Mellaril, both antipsychotic medications. They were two crazy kittens when we brought them home!
**************************************
Next week I'll be on vacation. Well, I'll be away visiting my family on the farm, not so much a vacation since it involves my parents. But anyway, the MNT blog won't be silent, as I have some very exciting guest posters lined up for your reading pleasure. Make sure you visit! And don't forget to give them some MNT love! I'll be back in September with what I'm sure will be some good posts about my mother. Because what's a visit to my parents if I'm not pulling my eyebrows out by the second day. Don't let me forget to take wine!
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Show and Tell
I'm not sure what took me so long to find Mel at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters but I finally did. Yeah me!
So, here I am joining my first Show and Tell!
For my first time I'm going to show off Baby Brothers cradle.
So, here I am joining my first Show and Tell!
For my first time I'm going to show off Baby Brothers cradle.
That's my brother Mike in the picture. He made this masterpiece! Are you impressed?
He made it from the wood of a cherry tree that grew on our family farm. He cut the tree, sliced it up (damn if I can remember the term for that), dried it, then spent a couple months deciding what design to use to make the cradle. He finally decided to recreate a design by Sam Maloof (shown here). With only that one picture he made the cradle.
I'm truly beyond words when it comes to how impressed I am by what he did! Made even more so because Mike and I are really not close. We had a rather large disagreement when we were in college (17 years ago) and he swore he would never speak to me again. He's done a pretty good job following through with that promise.
Perhaps this is an olive branch in the form of a cradle? I guess I'll have to wait and see.
Unfortunately, BB refuses to sleep in it! The boy has no taste! We have tried multiple times with no luck. And now, I'm afraid he's almost too big for it, what with his sitting up by himself and scooching around the room talents. I will never admit this to my brother though!
It does make an amazing clothes basket...*sigh*
Saturday, February 16, 2008
He's a five boy....from hell that is.
Yeah, so much for posting a couple times a week...
I've been working a lot the last few weeks. Kind of funny...I'm still officially on maternity leave but I'm putting in more hours from home than I did before I had the baby. It's all good though as I'm enjoying what I am working on.
The Boy turned five on Monday. Unbelievable! He's a five boy as he says.
My parents were in town for a few days and we had family photos taken. I'll post some when I get the online link for them. It was two hours of craziness with the photographer, and getting both boys to smile was a challenge. It was tough for The Boy since he was in all the pictures, and as usual full cooperation from him was pretty much impossible for him to do. We made it through though.
Monday we took him to the Star Wars exhibit at the Franklin Institute. It was pretty cool. Lots of hands on stuff to do. It was kind of funny as we were walking through the hallways, which were kind of dark and bare, to get to the exhibit, The Boy turned to Amazing Daddy and said "I'm not so very sure this is a very great idea." AD had started to watch the movie with him over the weekend and it scared him pretty much right from the start. Even though we had assured him the exhibit was not going to have shooting and loud noises like the movie, he wasn't sure he was ready to believe us.
He had fun though and handled himself very well through the exhibit. After that we went to see the giant heart. It was pretty cool too. The Boy walked/climbed through it more times than AD and I could count. He was doing fairly well in it too, until several school groups came in. They were noisy and moving very fast. It was just too much for TB and he quickly became over stimulated. At one point AD lost sight of him so all four of us (my parents were with us) were looking. I wasn't so much concerned that someone would take him (hell, if they did they would soon be paying us to take him back) but that he would do something destructive. At one point I heard a couple different kids saying something about there being a boy in the heart doing something. I never heard exactly what "the boy" was doing, but I did know right away that it had to be TB.
We got him out and tried to take him to the cafeteria to get him to calm down. He ran away from us into the caf and was very wild. We cornered him at a table and tried to calm him. By this time he was yelling, pushing and knocking over chairs, etc. My parents were pretty much horrified, as they have never seen him like this out in public, and it has been over a year since they have seen it at home too. I was hopeful that we would be able to calm him and get him back in control, but it just didn't happen. My mom tried to talk sternly to him, and I had to tell her to leave him alone. Of course this pissed her and my dad off and they left. When TB gets like that talking to him just aggravates it, especially if it sounds like you are yelling or mad at him. He just acts out more in response.
We spent a good twenty minutes trying to get him to regain control, but he just couldn't do it. AD was trying to hold him so he couldn't push the chairs and tables around, but it was quite a struggle. He's 40 pounds of muscle this kid; very strong. We finally calmed him down enough that we could carry him out. As we were leaving the cafeteria I realized there was a museum employee (in a suit, looked very official) watching us. He left the cafeteria with us and walked towards the exit with us. He never said anything, but it was pretty clear he was watching us and making sure we were handling things appropriately.
We took TB out to the van and got him in his car seat, still somewhat hopeful he'd regain control, but he just couldn't. He was so worked up and angry about being strapped in that he tried to make himself throw up. When that didn't work he started blowing snot out his nose. The anger was so intense. Scary to see.
At this point I went to find my parents and asked them to please not say anything to him or talk about it.
TB never really did get himself back that day. I thought he would fall asleep on the ride home since he is usually emotionally exhausted after one of these outbursts, but he didn't. The rest of the day he was very bratty. Lots of talking back and demanding behavior. Great birthday memories for all of us.
Of course my mother couldn't keep her opinion to herself, and later had to give me her assvice. She read a book recently about difficult children which she brought for me to read. She seems to think all the answers to his problems are in there and he'll be "cured" if I read it. I will certainly read the book, but there is no book out there that is going to cure TB. I'm sure the book has some useful information in it, but TB needs more help than a book is going to give him or us. My mom thinks that a firm hand and some discipline is all he needs. I wish it was that easy.
We had started a new medication (Strattera) the week before, to try and get better ADHD control in the evening and early morning. Some of the side effects are irritability, mood swings and aggressiveness. We had hoped that they wouldn't effect TB, but clearly they did. We stopped the medication that day and he seems to be handling himself better as the week has gone on.
I've been working a lot the last few weeks. Kind of funny...I'm still officially on maternity leave but I'm putting in more hours from home than I did before I had the baby. It's all good though as I'm enjoying what I am working on.
The Boy turned five on Monday. Unbelievable! He's a five boy as he says.
My parents were in town for a few days and we had family photos taken. I'll post some when I get the online link for them. It was two hours of craziness with the photographer, and getting both boys to smile was a challenge. It was tough for The Boy since he was in all the pictures, and as usual full cooperation from him was pretty much impossible for him to do. We made it through though.
Monday we took him to the Star Wars exhibit at the Franklin Institute. It was pretty cool. Lots of hands on stuff to do. It was kind of funny as we were walking through the hallways, which were kind of dark and bare, to get to the exhibit, The Boy turned to Amazing Daddy and said "I'm not so very sure this is a very great idea." AD had started to watch the movie with him over the weekend and it scared him pretty much right from the start. Even though we had assured him the exhibit was not going to have shooting and loud noises like the movie, he wasn't sure he was ready to believe us.
He had fun though and handled himself very well through the exhibit. After that we went to see the giant heart. It was pretty cool too. The Boy walked/climbed through it more times than AD and I could count. He was doing fairly well in it too, until several school groups came in. They were noisy and moving very fast. It was just too much for TB and he quickly became over stimulated. At one point AD lost sight of him so all four of us (my parents were with us) were looking. I wasn't so much concerned that someone would take him (hell, if they did they would soon be paying us to take him back) but that he would do something destructive. At one point I heard a couple different kids saying something about there being a boy in the heart doing something. I never heard exactly what "the boy" was doing, but I did know right away that it had to be TB.
We got him out and tried to take him to the cafeteria to get him to calm down. He ran away from us into the caf and was very wild. We cornered him at a table and tried to calm him. By this time he was yelling, pushing and knocking over chairs, etc. My parents were pretty much horrified, as they have never seen him like this out in public, and it has been over a year since they have seen it at home too. I was hopeful that we would be able to calm him and get him back in control, but it just didn't happen. My mom tried to talk sternly to him, and I had to tell her to leave him alone. Of course this pissed her and my dad off and they left. When TB gets like that talking to him just aggravates it, especially if it sounds like you are yelling or mad at him. He just acts out more in response.
We spent a good twenty minutes trying to get him to regain control, but he just couldn't do it. AD was trying to hold him so he couldn't push the chairs and tables around, but it was quite a struggle. He's 40 pounds of muscle this kid; very strong. We finally calmed him down enough that we could carry him out. As we were leaving the cafeteria I realized there was a museum employee (in a suit, looked very official) watching us. He left the cafeteria with us and walked towards the exit with us. He never said anything, but it was pretty clear he was watching us and making sure we were handling things appropriately.
We took TB out to the van and got him in his car seat, still somewhat hopeful he'd regain control, but he just couldn't. He was so worked up and angry about being strapped in that he tried to make himself throw up. When that didn't work he started blowing snot out his nose. The anger was so intense. Scary to see.
At this point I went to find my parents and asked them to please not say anything to him or talk about it.
TB never really did get himself back that day. I thought he would fall asleep on the ride home since he is usually emotionally exhausted after one of these outbursts, but he didn't. The rest of the day he was very bratty. Lots of talking back and demanding behavior. Great birthday memories for all of us.
Of course my mother couldn't keep her opinion to herself, and later had to give me her assvice. She read a book recently about difficult children which she brought for me to read. She seems to think all the answers to his problems are in there and he'll be "cured" if I read it. I will certainly read the book, but there is no book out there that is going to cure TB. I'm sure the book has some useful information in it, but TB needs more help than a book is going to give him or us. My mom thinks that a firm hand and some discipline is all he needs. I wish it was that easy.
We had started a new medication (Strattera) the week before, to try and get better ADHD control in the evening and early morning. Some of the side effects are irritability, mood swings and aggressiveness. We had hoped that they wouldn't effect TB, but clearly they did. We stopped the medication that day and he seems to be handling himself better as the week has gone on.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Updates
You would think that having three days in bed I would write like crazy, but no. Although I did catch up on a lot of reading, including my favorite blogs.
So, anyway, three embryos were transferred on Thursday; a six cell, a seven cell and an eight cell. I'm trying to be positive. The transfer itself went very well. So much better than last time. They let me pee a little bit just before, so I wasn't in agony and was able to relax. I was able to watch the monitor of the ultrasound so I could see what was going on, which also helped me focus and relax. Last time I was having a lot of pain in my lower abdomen from my ovaries, this time I didn't have any pain. And I've felt good since. Maybe since every thing was different with this cycle from the last one, the outcome will be different too.
So I'm up today, I"m catching up on the laundry and cleaned the bathroom, changed the sheets, and now I'm getting ready to do some work on the laptop. You know, all the work I should have done over the last three days when I couldn't move and the laptop was my constant companion. I had a huge list of things computer related I was going to get done, and I did none of them.
If interested, my brother and his family are doing well. They are living with my parents right now but a "double wide" should be arriving next week for them to live in while their house is rebuilt. The insurance company has been great they said.
Thanks for everyone's kind thoughts!
So, anyway, three embryos were transferred on Thursday; a six cell, a seven cell and an eight cell. I'm trying to be positive. The transfer itself went very well. So much better than last time. They let me pee a little bit just before, so I wasn't in agony and was able to relax. I was able to watch the monitor of the ultrasound so I could see what was going on, which also helped me focus and relax. Last time I was having a lot of pain in my lower abdomen from my ovaries, this time I didn't have any pain. And I've felt good since. Maybe since every thing was different with this cycle from the last one, the outcome will be different too.
So I'm up today, I"m catching up on the laundry and cleaned the bathroom, changed the sheets, and now I'm getting ready to do some work on the laptop. You know, all the work I should have done over the last three days when I couldn't move and the laptop was my constant companion. I had a huge list of things computer related I was going to get done, and I did none of them.
If interested, my brother and his family are doing well. They are living with my parents right now but a "double wide" should be arriving next week for them to live in while their house is rebuilt. The insurance company has been great they said.
Thanks for everyone's kind thoughts!
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
A bit of perspective, and a reminder to give thanks for what you already have
I received the following email from my mom today:
Sure are thinking about you and know that it is a hard time for you, but I know that you will be hurt if Idon't tell you. I think that email is a gentler way. You can read it at your leisure. Mike and Kari'shouse was hit by lightning last night. Seven firetrucks, ambulance and police car. They got out O.K. Kari had a close escape. She was putting things into the freezer after a late trip to WalMart. The lightning hit the TV antenna about 11:00, went down the wires right behind the freezer and arked out at her feet. She had very thick wedgie shoes on (3/4")and it cut the sole in half and popped out a staple. The fire was in the attic. Fire men and women were wonderful. Lots of water damage. Insurance adjuster hasn't arrived yet, (12:30pm on Tuesday) so we don'tknow what's up yet. They spent the rest of the night here, 2:30 on. K & M have emptied their fridge and freezer into ours. Your Dad thinks he's died and goneto heaven with all the REAL food in the house. We're expecting them to be here for a while. Love you and hope that tomorrow goes O.K. I'll be thinking about you. Love you all. Mom Dad, too!
Mike is my brother. They live on "the farm" in Michigan with my parents, cousin, aunt/uncle etc.
Everyone is ok, and I can't believe how lucky my sister in law was. Like me, she tends to go around the house barefoot. Thank god she had those shoes on.
It sounds like they lost the second story, and over night their bedroom floor fell in to their living room. They were able to get some stuff out (like pictures, heirloom china, etc.) before the firemen got there. I think that my oldest nephews stuff is likely ok too since his bedroom is on the first floor. All my brothers and SIL clothes are ruined, as are my two younger nephews. I'm not sure about there books and toys.
I hate being so far away. There isn't much I can do for them here in Philly. I imagine they'll be living with my parents for a while.
Thank god they are all ok!
Kristie and AD,
Sure are thinking about you and know that it is a hard time for you, but I know that you will be hurt if Idon't tell you. I think that email is a gentler way. You can read it at your leisure. Mike and Kari'shouse was hit by lightning last night. Seven firetrucks, ambulance and police car. They got out O.K. Kari had a close escape. She was putting things into the freezer after a late trip to WalMart. The lightning hit the TV antenna about 11:00, went down the wires right behind the freezer and arked out at her feet. She had very thick wedgie shoes on (3/4")and it cut the sole in half and popped out a staple. The fire was in the attic. Fire men and women were wonderful. Lots of water damage. Insurance adjuster hasn't arrived yet, (12:30pm on Tuesday) so we don'tknow what's up yet. They spent the rest of the night here, 2:30 on. K & M have emptied their fridge and freezer into ours. Your Dad thinks he's died and goneto heaven with all the REAL food in the house. We're expecting them to be here for a while. Love you and hope that tomorrow goes O.K. I'll be thinking about you. Love you all. Mom Dad, too!
Mike is my brother. They live on "the farm" in Michigan with my parents, cousin, aunt/uncle etc.
Everyone is ok, and I can't believe how lucky my sister in law was. Like me, she tends to go around the house barefoot. Thank god she had those shoes on.
It sounds like they lost the second story, and over night their bedroom floor fell in to their living room. They were able to get some stuff out (like pictures, heirloom china, etc.) before the firemen got there. I think that my oldest nephews stuff is likely ok too since his bedroom is on the first floor. All my brothers and SIL clothes are ruined, as are my two younger nephews. I'm not sure about there books and toys.
I hate being so far away. There isn't much I can do for them here in Philly. I imagine they'll be living with my parents for a while.
Thank god they are all ok!
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Catching up and other shit
I've neglected to blog for a couple weeks. It's not that I haven't thought about it. I do, often. And I frequently write the funniest posts in my head on my way home from work, they just never seem to get out of the mush of my brain.
Cycle day one if anyone is interested. Oyyyy...The headache after being on ten days of Lupron. My soul for some estrogen please. Menopur stars on Monday, after the ol' coochie checks out and they drill for blood.
_____________________________________________________
My parents are coming for a visit next weekend. That means I have to clean up the guest bedroom. And wash the sheets from their last visit, from like, four months ago. And, next Friday night starts Rosh Hoshanah. So I guess they'll let them selves in and be waiting for us. Because, dinner is at my brother-in-laws house Friday. I have to bring the salad. I hate salad. And basically no one eats it, but I still have to take it, and then bring it home after. And, they know that what I really love to do is bake, but do they ever ask me to bake something yummy for dinner? Oh no...and come on, my honey cake rocks! Especially considering a shicksa is baking it.
My brother-in-law and his family are weird. Every thing is a big secret with them. And they can't commit to anything more than a day in advance. And often, they never even give an answer. My SIL has multiple sclerosis, but she refuses to talk about it, and just says she's doing fine, even when I can see that her vision sucks or she is having trouble walking. I wish I could help her, but she refuses to talk about any thing of substance.
When I met my BIL seven years ago he told me he was an agnostic. Now he he goes to temple and seems to believe. I'm not sure what happened in the last seven years to get him there, because they don't f'ing talk about anything real in their life.
I just realized the other day that he is 19 years older than me, and could be my father. Amazing Daddy says that 19 is too young to be a father, so I had to remind him I was talking figuratively. BIL and SIL are nice people, but I have nothing in common. Spending time with them is painful. I find myself wanting to say outrageous things just to see if they will react. Poor SH cringes when I open my mouth.
It's hard being someone who is so open like we are, and being family with someone who is so CLOSED.
Really though, they are nice people, and they make good briskett.
_________________________________________________
My MIL, stereotypical Jewish old lady. Some day I'll write about her. I have funny stories. Remind me to tell you about the phone message she left when I first moved in with AD.
___________________________________________________
We were invited to a private party at the Philadelphia Zoo last night. We took Prince Alexi and had a lot of fun. He got to see puma's play with each other. Not much different than our own cats, just much bigger and with longer, sharper claws.
The spider monkeys were cute too. They went non-stop...Reminded me of TB.
TB did well, until we had to walk through the big cat exhibit and go through a small building with a large movie screen. Scared him shitless, all the lights and roaring. He stood at the door and wouldn't move. Poor kid. It was interesting because he seemed to process it all very slowly. It actually took him a couple minutes to realize it scared him.
After that every few minutes he reminded us that he didn't want to go to the movie anymore.
He told one of the zoo workers about watching the elephant poop. He saw the elephant poop four months ago during our last visit. Guess it made an impression on him.
_____________________________________________________
We don't really care for one of TB's therapists (technically called his itinerat teachers (IT) by the Intermediate Unit). She's been with him since he was in early intervention. Basically she sees him for about an hour a week. And has for the last 18 months or so. I really think she's crossed some boundaries with him and has pissed me off and his regular pre-school teachers several times. I may have written about it before, but she told TB's TSS that if she wanted to learn more about TB she should research ODD (oppositional defiant disorder). Now, TB has been labeled with many abbreviations, but ODD has never been one of them.
I had a meeting with TB's teachers a couple weeks ago and they expressed some concern with with this woman (let's call her Deb, because, well, that's her name). Deb seems to think she is an expert on sensory disorders because she has a grown son with SPD. The problem is, Deb isn't with TB to work on sensory issues. That is what his OT is for. Deb is supposed to be working with him on...Well...Actually, I'm really not sure. I thought it was his behavior originally, but recently learned that wasn't true.
So really, what I was going to tell you is that at the beginning of the school year we found out that TB was getting a new IT and OT. I wasn't thrilled about a new OT since we had just been given a new one six months ago, but what ever. I did do the happy dance when I found out Deb was being replaced.
Imagine my surprise when TB's preschool teacher called to tell me that Deb had just been there and said she was going to be TB's IT again this year.
You better bet I was on the phone to the IU as soon as I hung up with Rachel. We've been playing phone tag since then. If she can't be reassigned AD and I (ok, I have decided, AD really doesn't have much to do with this stuff) have decided that we are going to cancel that "service" altogether. Considering we don't even know what she is supposed to be doing...
____________________________________________________
And that is all I have time for right now....Consider yourselves updated.
Cycle day one if anyone is interested. Oyyyy...The headache after being on ten days of Lupron. My soul for some estrogen please. Menopur stars on Monday, after the ol' coochie checks out and they drill for blood.
_____________________________________________________
My parents are coming for a visit next weekend. That means I have to clean up the guest bedroom. And wash the sheets from their last visit, from like, four months ago. And, next Friday night starts Rosh Hoshanah. So I guess they'll let them selves in and be waiting for us. Because, dinner is at my brother-in-laws house Friday. I have to bring the salad. I hate salad. And basically no one eats it, but I still have to take it, and then bring it home after. And, they know that what I really love to do is bake, but do they ever ask me to bake something yummy for dinner? Oh no...and come on, my honey cake rocks! Especially considering a shicksa is baking it.
My brother-in-law and his family are weird. Every thing is a big secret with them. And they can't commit to anything more than a day in advance. And often, they never even give an answer. My SIL has multiple sclerosis, but she refuses to talk about it, and just says she's doing fine, even when I can see that her vision sucks or she is having trouble walking. I wish I could help her, but she refuses to talk about any thing of substance.
When I met my BIL seven years ago he told me he was an agnostic. Now he he goes to temple and seems to believe. I'm not sure what happened in the last seven years to get him there, because they don't f'ing talk about anything real in their life.
I just realized the other day that he is 19 years older than me, and could be my father. Amazing Daddy says that 19 is too young to be a father, so I had to remind him I was talking figuratively. BIL and SIL are nice people, but I have nothing in common. Spending time with them is painful. I find myself wanting to say outrageous things just to see if they will react. Poor SH cringes when I open my mouth.
It's hard being someone who is so open like we are, and being family with someone who is so CLOSED.
Really though, they are nice people, and they make good briskett.
_________________________________________________
My MIL, stereotypical Jewish old lady. Some day I'll write about her. I have funny stories. Remind me to tell you about the phone message she left when I first moved in with AD.
___________________________________________________
We were invited to a private party at the Philadelphia Zoo last night. We took Prince Alexi and had a lot of fun. He got to see puma's play with each other. Not much different than our own cats, just much bigger and with longer, sharper claws.
The spider monkeys were cute too. They went non-stop...Reminded me of TB.
TB did well, until we had to walk through the big cat exhibit and go through a small building with a large movie screen. Scared him shitless, all the lights and roaring. He stood at the door and wouldn't move. Poor kid. It was interesting because he seemed to process it all very slowly. It actually took him a couple minutes to realize it scared him.
After that every few minutes he reminded us that he didn't want to go to the movie anymore.
He told one of the zoo workers about watching the elephant poop. He saw the elephant poop four months ago during our last visit. Guess it made an impression on him.
_____________________________________________________
We don't really care for one of TB's therapists (technically called his itinerat teachers (IT) by the Intermediate Unit). She's been with him since he was in early intervention. Basically she sees him for about an hour a week. And has for the last 18 months or so. I really think she's crossed some boundaries with him and has pissed me off and his regular pre-school teachers several times. I may have written about it before, but she told TB's TSS that if she wanted to learn more about TB she should research ODD (oppositional defiant disorder). Now, TB has been labeled with many abbreviations, but ODD has never been one of them.
I had a meeting with TB's teachers a couple weeks ago and they expressed some concern with with this woman (let's call her Deb, because, well, that's her name). Deb seems to think she is an expert on sensory disorders because she has a grown son with SPD. The problem is, Deb isn't with TB to work on sensory issues. That is what his OT is for. Deb is supposed to be working with him on...Well...Actually, I'm really not sure. I thought it was his behavior originally, but recently learned that wasn't true.
So really, what I was going to tell you is that at the beginning of the school year we found out that TB was getting a new IT and OT. I wasn't thrilled about a new OT since we had just been given a new one six months ago, but what ever. I did do the happy dance when I found out Deb was being replaced.
Imagine my surprise when TB's preschool teacher called to tell me that Deb had just been there and said she was going to be TB's IT again this year.
You better bet I was on the phone to the IU as soon as I hung up with Rachel. We've been playing phone tag since then. If she can't be reassigned AD and I (ok, I have decided, AD really doesn't have much to do with this stuff) have decided that we are going to cancel that "service" altogether. Considering we don't even know what she is supposed to be doing...
____________________________________________________
And that is all I have time for right now....Consider yourselves updated.
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Life on the farm
TB and Daddy at the wedding
We were away for a while visiting family and helping my best friend get married.
We were away for a while visiting family and helping my best friend get married.
The Boy had a grand old time going to the zoo, feeding the giraffes, going for a ride in Papa's airplane and on his tractors, playing with his cousins, etc.. Life on the farm is good. I miss having all that space! It was so wonderful for The Boy to have all that room to run! And other than a few times making sure he didn't go towards the road, he could do all of this with out me feeling I had to be right on top of him. The only really rough time was when he tried to take a chunk out of his youngest cousins arms when they both wanted the same stick that Papa had just cut down while tree trimming. He also found MomMom's secret cookie stash, which she thought was cute when he come out holding as many cookies as he could in his two chubby hands.
Life is just different on the farm. It's a waste to wear my expensive "designer" ripped up jeans. Mom just wanted to know what I'd been doing that was so rough on my clothes.
And don't forget, they don't get cable in the country. And they only have dial-up. I lost any nostalgia I had when I tried to check my mail and it took minutes to refresh each page. Any desire I had to "move back home" completely disappeared.
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