Thursday, March 26, 2009

Time to end the drama...

Finally heard from my parents.

In the form of a three page letter. Snail mail.

Part of me wants to post it here but I'm going to refrain for now. It starts and ends with "we don't want to hurt you, but..." and is all "you are a disrespectful daughter and an ineffective parent that lets her kids run the show" in the middle.

Apparently since college I have frequently spoken rudely to them and am just plain nasty. They are no longer going to tolerate it.

But they do want me to be happy. (yes, they really said that)

So, ummm...yeah, now what...

I'm still processing. Trying to reconcile their obviously negative view of me with how I see myself.

I'm also trying to figure out their revisionist history, which includes my grandmother being my mom's best friend. All I can say to that is "In what universe?"

My therapist has me reading a book called The Borderline Parent, about adult children who had a parent with borderline personality disorder, which she thinks may fit my parents. My homework for her is to write them a letter disputing their letter, or explaining why I feel the way I do, or perhaps both. But not to send it!

I honestly don't believe there is anything I can do that is going to change how they see me or my life. I just need to learn to accept them as the limited emotional people they are and move on. I certainly don't think there will be much/any contact with them in the near future.



  1. I am so sorry that they sent you this letter. I have a similar relationship with my mom, and it is hard. There is a huge part of me that really wants to cut her off, but I never do. I think I am a glutton for punishment...LOL.

    I have another book that has been good called "When Parents Hurt"

    Good luck with whatever you decide, and just know you aren't alone!

  2. Hugs Kristine. I have a difficult relationship with my own mother and unfortunately my son as well. It's complicated, perhaps I really am the nut job. (therapy wasn't my thing) So I see both sides of your coin. I could never cut off my mother completely and yet my son has no problem cutting me out of his life at all. It's a hard spot you're in.

  3. Move on. You've done enough. You've tried. They're stuck in their ways and willing to lose their relationship with their daughter.

    So let them.

    You'll feel better when this is over. End it.

  4. I'm so sorry. I think writing the response and not sending is a great idea to get some things off of your chest.

  5. Write it... the weight you'll feel lifted is amazing, I promise. I'm still debating about actually SENDING mine to my mother.

  6. write the letter, read it aloud (privately or to some friends you seriously trust), rip it up and stomp on it until you start to feel some freedom. then pick up the pieces, not touching them with your bare hands, and burn them. i know this sounds completely insane, but you will be amazed at how good you'll feel afterward.