Neighbors - you can't live with them and you can't make them move. A three part series in why I wish we could move to the middle of nowhere so I didn't have to nagivate difficult social interactions with other adults. Part 2.

I love the neighbors on one side of us. They are a very nice family. Their kids are adorable. They are kind. And tolerant. And quite honestly, since I don't think living next to us is the easiest thing to do, they get extra props in my book just for putting up with us as long as they have!

Unfortunately, they are in the process of selling their townhouse and will move away in the next month or so. (Hmmm....maybe you can make them move. Does this require a title change above?)

I'm super nervous about another family moving in. Not so much nervous about who they are and what they are like. I mean really, when you have a teenager that plays the drums on the other side of you just how much worse can it get?

No, I'm nervous about what they will think of us. 

It's another family, or maybe just person, that will be involved in our life, even if only on the periphery.

Living as close to us as they will, and knowing that despite our efforts, they will hear screaming and raging from our house, I think that it is important that I fill them in at least a little bit. They haven't had the benefit of watching my boys grow up and seeing the progression. 

To be forewarned is to be forearmed, right? Or perhaps more accurately to forewarn them results in us being forearmed? Do I even know what that means?

The likelihood is that they won't really get it. They will hear the screaming, or see Noah's behaviors, (or even Kiel who has been quite the little monster lately) and be horrified. Or even worse I suppose, witness Rich or myself momentarily lose our minds because OMG if we find one more broken item, or hear the word NO screamed at us one more time, or witness Noah do something to Kiel again, our heads just might explode.

The good piece is that because of the elevation between their house and ours not as much noise is transferred as is between our house and our neighbor on the other side. Noah's room is also not on their side, which I'm sure makes a big difference as well.

Still, I'm always nervous when new people move into the neighborhood in case they see or hear something and misinterpret it. I'd really prefer not to have another experience with CPS.

What would you tell a new neighbor in our situation? Just how much detail would you give? I have a tendency to share too much I think.


 

Neighbors - you can't live with them and you can't make them move. A three part series in why I wish we could move to the middle of nowhere so I didn't have to nagivate difficult social interactions with other adults. Part 1.

I hesitate to say this out loud, but I think it may finally be spring. The windows are open, the birds are singing, the cats are happy alternating between sleeping in front of the open windows and chattering at the birds.


The basketball hoop is set up in the driveway and the boys just want to play outside! When the kids (mine and the rest of the neighborhoods) aren't in school I hear them whooping and laughing all around us. It's a happy sound. A normal sound.

It's good seeing neighbors outside again, as if the long winter hibernation is over, and we are all coming out of our caves, stretching our faces up to the sun and sighing in relief.

And yet, because there is always a yet in MNT land, despite the joy of warmer weather and being able to be outside, I stress and worry over how this is all going to play out. Especially after the events of last fall.

During the winter I could protect my boys better. We were more isolated. Not completely, but there weren't as many kids out. They didn't want to stray as far from home. It is so different when the weather is warmer.

The interactions with the neighbors, all of our neighbors, is so much trickier than it should be (at least in my opinion). It just sucks living in a townhouse and having families share a wall the way we do. You hear too much, know too much. Yet you never hear enough or know enough to really understand.

I'm not positive, but I think the neighbors on one side of us aren't talking to us. Two of their boys are between the ages of Noah and Kiel. You would think that would be perfect, wouldn't you. Four boys between 7 and 12 that love to play outside, especially basketball and hockey. We share a driveway and it's hard, if not impossible, for the boys (theirs and ours) to keep to one side of it when playing. Frankly, I think it's ridiculous to even try. I have no problems with their kids playing on our side when the cars aren't there. I don't think they care either, but I'm not positive.

Unfortunately, our boys don't get along. Their boys know too much, but understand too little about my boys. They hear Noah's rages through the wall. In the past they have been the recipient of some of his actions (a broken window, a rock thrown at one of their heads when they threatened him with a baseball bat). Last year both families did our best to keep the boys apart. If they were playing in the front of our houses, my boys played in the back. It mostly worked okay, but this year we have the basketball hoop and that's what my boys want to do all the time. Just like their boys do with their hoop. 

The youngest boy has a mouth and my boys have been the recipient multiple times, especially Kiel on the school bus. Sadly, I haven't been able to get Kiel to keep his own mouth shut. We have spoken to the other boys parents a couple times, but I'm uncomfortable complaining about it when I know Kiel is running his own mouth. Plus, our neighbors have been more than understanding through the years with Noah's behaviors, even if I know they really don't understand. 

One of the problems as you know, and I suppose it is a mixed blessing, is that Noah has a special needs brain in a "normal" kids body. I'm not sure that any of our neighbors truly grasp what is going on with him. He looks just fine, and sometimes he can act just fine. Even when I explain it, most people don't "get it" because to them he looks "normal."

Noah doesn't understand why the neighbor boys don't like him. He's really trying to be friends with them, albeit often awkwardly. He struggles socially and the other boys just don't get it. I've heard them say some very mean things to him. I've also heard him say some pretty stupid things back to them, so again, I find it difficult to complain when he is also part of the problem.

It's tricky. It's also complicated a bit because the mom is partially deaf, so she doesn't always hear what her boys are saying. And like all kids, they are good at knowing just when they can get away with it. I know they have verbally threatened my boys, but I can't guarantee that my boys haven't responded in kind. I know she doesn't think her kids are angels, and I know mine aren't, but I'm not quite sure how to handle this. She's a good mom and she doesn't let them get away with crap when she knows about it. It was actually her idea to keep the boys separated, and at the time I agreed. It was during a very difficult period for Noah and keeping him away from other kids that easily triggered him was just smart.

I like our neighbors. They have helped us out over the years, as we have helped them. They have their own struggles, and I know life isn't any easier for them than it is for us. Different struggles, but still struggles.

Obviously I will need to talk with the other mom. If we've done something to upset them I need to know so we can resolve it. Or maybe I'm just misreading her actions and nothing is wrong. 

Ultimately, I just want to find a way for our boys to get along. They don't have to be best friends, but they should be able to share a driveway and play a game of basketball together, without acting like they are enemies.

How do I declare our shared driveway an enemy free, threat free, space for fun and play, when I only own half of it?

And of course, just to make it all more fun, and by fun I mean ridiculously complicated and ugly, I really have no idea what The Other Family (TOF) has said and to whom.



 

When skillets grow.

This blog needs some lightening up after my last few posts, so I'm going to share a funny about Kiel.

My meals are very small these days, so I asked Rich to get me some smaller pans, specifically a small cast iron skillet.

He took me seriously when I said "small" and ordered a 3 1/2 inch skillet for me from Amazon. It arrived and we both had to laugh because it was so tiny. Like doll kitchen tiny. Palm of my hand tiny. Rich joked that maybe if we put it in water it would grow.

Kiel overheard and thought that was pretty cool.

Rich, who takes such good care of me, went back to Amazon and ordered the next size up (6 1/2 inch) and it arrived today. He set it on the kitchen counter for me.

Kiel went in to the kitchen and saw it this afternoon and got very excited. "It grew, it grew" he yelled! He grabbed the skillet and came running to me with it "Mommy, it really grew!"

There is no way I'm telling him that we ordered a new one!

Rebuilding the wall

I apologize for taking so long to let everyone know we are okay. Initially we were thrown back into crisis management. Fortunately we have an awesome team to go to for help, and the experiences with CPS, etc. were very positive and reassuring as you will see below. Life has settled back down for us. I had abdominal surgery last week, which meant I spent the week before preparing to be out of work for a month and doing what I could to get things ready at home. My parents came to help out and I was able to spend a few days with them before the surgery. I promise a blog post about the surgery soon. I started writing this post two weeks ago and am finally tonight finishing it.  

It's taken me a few weeks to decide if I was going to write more about my last post. In part because there is more than just me involved. In part because of the lingering memory of my mother pounding it into me that we don't air our dirty laundry in public.

But here's the thing. Years ago when I started this blog I started writing about our journey. I wanted it to be honest and real. As our life got messy and we struggled I shared not only because it helped me to put it in writing, but because I hoped that someday it might help another family to see they aren't alone. And it has helped others. The truth is, bad stuff happens to good families. Just because a child struggles doesn't mean the parents are bad. It's important to me to share that message, because too many good parents feel they have to hide in shame.

A couple months ago I read Beth's (from Five Kids is a lot of Kids) blog post about Naked Breakfast and her post script at the end where she questions how much of herself should she share on her blog, and she says "I’ve decided I’d rather be me out loud." That statement resonated with me. In the real world I'm pretty shy, but I don't hide our life because it's an opportunity to educate people. On my blog I'm far more open because it's much easier for me to write.

Beth's post helped me realized that that is what I'm doing, especially here. I'm being me out loud. There are times when I've let outside influences stop me for a while, but I keep coming back.

I've made it a point the last few years to tell only my story. This means that what I write is how I'm feeling, what I experienced, what I saw, what I said, what I heard. I will not speak for another person.

After thinking about it, I decided I'm not going to stop now. I'm going to continue to be me out loud. So I'm going to share more about what happened a few weeks ago. However, I am going to do this carefully, because there is another family involved and despite how dismayed I am at how they have handled this, I will respect their privacy as much as I can. That doesn't mean however, that I won't call them out on their questionable and hurtful behavior towards us.

Something happened that night. It wasn't great, but it also wasn't the end of the world. Far from it actually. Unfortunately, what started metaphorically as a small kitchen fire that could have easily been put out with a fire extinguisher was turned into the World Trade Center bombings.

There was a lot of drama that night. A LOT of drama. Adult drama. Parental drama. It was a freak out. All because two six year old boys did something when left for a somewhat lengthy period of time unsupervised, that surprised us adults. Something that after talking with the professionals I realize is not such a big deal.

I fully admit that initially I freaked out too. Fortunately, because of Noah I have a team of people to  reach out to for guidance.

Because I called one of our therapists to ask for advice on how to handle it with Kiel and how to handle the other family, and because of a misremembered conversation from several months ago, and how he has seen Noah and Kiel interact at times, he was concerned enough to feel that as a mandated reporter he needed to report the incident. That is how CPS became involved. Initially I was freaked out, but I understood that he was doing what he thought was right.

In the first few days after the incident, the other family contacted us several times via text and phone. They asked for "open, honest, raw communication." They said the boys were still ok together as long as they were supervised.  They kept the communication going for four days, then it suddenly stopped. No warning, no explanation. I realized we had been blocked on Facebook. They would not look at us. They turned their head away if they drove by us. They drove the LONG way around the block presumably so they wouldn't have to see us at the bus stop. Sometimes their child is left completely unsupervised at the bus stop, again, presumably, so they don't have to see us.

Kiel has come home from school several times telling me that the other boy told him he is not allowed to play or talk to him, and that the other mom hates him. Kiel has been having nightmares about the other mom trying to get him. That makes me incredibly sad. Both for Kiel and for the other mom, because I think if she knew that she would be upset. I don't think she is a bad person, she was my friend after all. 

This is a family that we were very close with. The boys were best friends. We did things together as families. Kiel was always welcome at their house just as their son was welcome at ours. We helped each other out when one of us was in a pinch. In fact, just the week before Rich had picked up their kids from daycare when neither of the parents thought they were going to make it in time. I really enjoyed having a family in the neighborhood that we could share with and count on. The boys played soccer and baseball together and Rich would often take both of them to practices since he was going to be there anyway. Kiel spent the night at their house several times. We took the other boy out with us when we went to the movies, and once to a  baseball game. While I wasn't comfortable having him spend the night at our house because I didn't want him to have to see one of Noah's meltdowns, I tried to make up for it by inviting him to go with us when we did family activities outside of the house. I was very honest with them about Noah and our struggles and why I was careful about when their son was at our house. I treated their son like he was one of mine, just as they did with Kiel.

As far as CPS becoming involved, it is something I have always feared. Yet I knew that it was inevitable. I just always thought it would be from something Noah did.

My fears came from horror stories from other families with special needs children and from my trauma momma network.  I truly feared that their involvement could lead to the boys being taken from us. Not necessarily a rational fear.

The truth is that from the first contact with CPS they have been wonderful and nothing but supportive. The social worker assigned to us, and her supervisor have both been kind and very complementary of how we are parenting the boys. When we met with the social worker for the home visit she said the case was being closed.

As an aside, I was very nervous about their home visit, again, from horror stories I've heard from other families in other parts of the country. I made Rich stay home and help me clean the house. I had no idea what they would look at and how critical they would be. It turns out she never went past the front part of our house.

Rich and I were never the focus of the investigation. The concern was if Noah was abusing Kiel in some way. Because of that Kiel had to undergo an interview with a child forensic interviewer. The process involves a team of professionals watching through one way glass, including an assistant district attorney and a local police detective. When I first heard that I was pretty freaked out. They had just told me what had happened was not a big deal, but then they were going to grill Kiel with the police and an ADA there?

Fortunately, it wasn't quite like that. While they were there, it is standard procedure, and done in case the child discloses that an adult is abusing them. I believe it has to do with hearing the disclosure first hand so it isn't hearsay and to do with the chain of custody of evidence since the interview is videotaped.

Kiel was a trooper during the process and I am so proud of him. He answered their questions and nothing he said concerned the team. They felt confident, as did we, that nothing inappropriate was happening with Noah. In fact, both the ADA and the detective told us that we had taken on far too much of the responsibility and guilt for the incident with his best friend. They made it very clear that what happened was under the (non)supervision of another family, that only the two six year old boys really know what happened, and that the way things were handled that night with the other child being grilled repeatedly by his parents, and that Kiel was basically refusing to talk, that what we "think" we know from the other boy can't necessarily be believed. The detective flat out said that kids do stupid stuff, and that we don't know what the other boy did, and we probably never will.

It was very reassuring. So was hearing that we can't take on the other families issues, that they were the ones not supervising the kids, and that their behavior has likely caused more harm for their son in the long run (okay, that part wasn't reassuring, I'm actually concerned about the other boy and how he is being traumatized by how his parents are acting).

The social worker told me later that after we left the team talked about it some more and that they were all shocked at how the other family was acting and that they felt sorry for us that we had to deal with them and how they have continued to behave. The detective told us that if we find out they are spreading rumors about us that we are to call him and let him know.

I am concerned that they may be saying things about Kiel or our family to people at school or in our neighborhood. So far I haven't heard anything, but given their strange behavior the last several weeks I do wonder.

Rich tried to talk to the other mom the other day and she refused, then she ran away from him into her house. She literally ran away from him.

Halloween night they had a party in their driveway with the families on our block. Except for us. It felt like a very public shunning. It hurt, a lot. And to be frank, I don't understand it. I can only speculate as to why they are acting this way since they won't talk to us. Perhaps their son disclosed a previous incident with someone else, or perhaps he admitted to being the instigator. I honestly have no idea. The problem with being cut off in such a way is that you can think a lot of different things.

Post script: Tonight I found out that the other parents went to the school and spoke to the principal about Kiel. I don't know what exactly was said, but I hope to talk with the principal soon about this. I'm seriously beside myself at how the other family is behaving towards us.

And the walls came tumbling down around us

 I wrote this a couple weeks ago but didn't have a chance to finish it at the time.

For the first time in many years we aren't living in constant crisis mode. There are still moments with Noah, sometimes even daily, but we are handling them better and we are seeing progress despite them. Noah is doing better right now than we have ever seen him. It's amazing. 

Now that Kiel is in first grade, both boys are home at the same time in the afternoon. That means less individual mom time for both of them. It also means more time for the two of them to be together. The boys are making more friends in the neighborhood now that Kiel has classmates living on the same block. There are other kids running in and out of the house after school and on the weekend. The door bell rings and someone is asking if Kiel and Noah can come out and play. It's pretty awesome and NORMAL and I love it.

Having some normal in our life is amazing and encouraging and well, kind of weird. It's sure is something I could get used to. 

You would think I would know better than to put something like this in writing. To admit to things going well. To write out loud that we aren't in crisis!

Hahaha. What nerve I had to write that. We aren't meant to live a normal life. How dare we not be in crisis the universe says.

Last Friday something happened and our life exploded again. Right now I feel like I'm living in a snow globe that someone is shaking the crap out of. The pieces inside have rearranged themselves. The person finally put it down, but left it on it's top, upside down. Everything I once knew has shifted and tumbled. 

As we are managing this crisis we realize that Kiel has become a victim of our family. I've spent the last several years educating people about trauma and how it affects Noah and his brain and yet I never considered how the chaos in our house was traumatizing Kiel. 

We don't have an official diagnosis but I believe as this crisis teases itself out Kiel will end up with a diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder.

CPS is involved, which has always been one of my biggest fears. So far it hasn't been bad. Just a few phone calls and an appointment set up for Kiel to be interviewed next week. 

This part of the crisis I'm good at. I know how to get services and find therapists. While I'm making appointments and searching for resources I'm OK. When I'm updating providers I'm OK.

When I'm not doing those things I'm a mess. Any time to think and I'm obsessing about it. Forget going to sleep. Even with drugs the sleep is hard to find.

I knew that our time out from crisis wouldn't last forever.  Noah is maturing and going through puberty. He is almost a teenager. It is inevitable that something will happen with him in the next few years. I know that and while it will undoubtedly suck, we will be prepared.

This. This I was not prepared for. This has rocked my world in a completely different way. 

I know we will get Kiel through it, because that is what I do. I don't give up. I move mountains when I need to. It will take some time, but with a good therapist we will lay that trauma monster to rest and we will make the changes in our family that need to be made.

The guilt though is overwhelming, and it's amplified because another family is involved and I'm watching them fall apart in front of me. The fucked-upness of our family intersected with another family and the walls came tumbling down around us all. Even though it wasn't something I could ever have anticipated, the guilt I feel about it is more overwhelming than what I'm feeling for Kiel in some ways. 

It hurts too, because I let down my guard and started to get close to someone. Something that is very difficult for me. I doubt it will make it through this. Keeping to ourselves causes less pain to those around us, and to us. I won't forget that again.


 

Sometimes I bend, but I will not break.

There are times when the weight of the responsibility of raising Noah to be a decent, independent adult that is able to function in society threatens to break me.

I don't think I'm supposed to admit that though. 

As the parent of a child with special needs I should be worthy of hearing "I don't know how you do it," "I couldn't do what you do," and "he is so lucky to have you."

When I complain, and admit to not being perfect, to struggling, to god forbid needing help, it makes people uncomfortable. I rather think they prefer when I write about vibrators over sharing with the world that my son has a mental illness and it really, really sucks.

You know what? I get it!

The truth is, I lose track of that line between sharing and complaining quite often. Too often.

Yesterday, I found out that Noah will not be able to attend the special needs summer day camp he has attended for the last three years. They changed the age range of their program and somehow we missed the letter telling us that. It wasn't until earlier this week when I started to think that I have usually sent in his camp application by now that I thought to question why we had yet to hear from them.

Just as I finished a conference call with my team at work, I received the email telling me he wouldn't be able to attend this summer. 

It is without exaggeration that I say I came close to breaking. I bent, and I bent far. I thought I was going to snap. Like the snow and ice laden trees behind our house did in the storm the night before.

What are we going to do? Where will he go this summer? I will have to quit my job. I can't do that. How will we survive? What will I dooooo???

I cried. I sobbed. I took to my bed and wallowed in my tears.

Oh, the drama!

We are in the midst of snow and ice-storm school closings. Yesterday, we spent part of the day without power. My children forgot how to play with REAL toys, because Oh the injustice, there was no TV or cable or internet or Xbox. And LIFE IS SO HARD YOU GUYS! This house sucks! You obviously don't love us because we are SOOOOO bored! It's not fairrrrr! You are the worst parents ever!

I looked at them through my puffy, tear filled eyes, and said YUP. And then I cried some more.

Because I too was feeling that LIFE IS SO HARD. And IT'S NOT FAIR!

I was tired. Tired of the fight. Fighting to have a family, fighting to bring Noah home, fighting my body to get pregnant with Kiel, fighting to find Noah the help he needs, fighting the school, the system, the insurance companies, fighting my own needs and my own health. Why can't something be easy for a change!

I yelled at my children to pick up their toys, and put the coats away, and stop leaving your shoes and boots all over. 

I can't stand it! I screamed, Why can't ANYONE MAKE MY LIFE A LITTLE EASIER!

Again with the drama!

I texted Noah's behavior specialist and said "I can't do this anymore."

It didn't matter that this was far from the worst thing we have had to deal with - I bent as far as I have ever bent before. The only reason you could not hear the cracking was because my sobs were too loud.

~~~~~~~

Today I received a message from one of Kiel's teachers. Thank you universe for my boys amazing teachers - especially this one!

My dearest Kristine. I am having snack with your son and he happens to share how sad you are that you got fired from your job. He doesn't know why "that man would do that". Now she is home taking care of Noah. He was so sweet and concerned when he was telling me the story. Not sure if it is true but if it is I'm sorry you lost your job. :) I'm enjoying teaching your sweet boy. Have a good day.

This child! I am so blessed to have this boy as my son!

Kiel saw me cry at the same time he knew I was working. Both boys wanted to know what was wrong and all I told them was I received bad news. Kiel put two and two together, and since he doesn't know how to add yet, he came up with "the man fired mommy" as the answer.

It reminds me that they see everything. They see me bend, and they see me stand back up.

I wish they didn't see my tears as often as they do. Or hear my screams.

I know that I will continue to stand back up because I have no choice.

Today I know we will figure this out. We always do. We have no choice.

I just hope that when my boys see me bend like I did yesterday, then stand back up as I did today, that they realize they too can stand tall and strong after a storm.

Even better if they can do it with less drama than their mama.


 

Conversations with Kiel

It's time to lighten things up a bit I think, and I have a handful of funny stories from the last couple weeks that all deserve a blog post. Maybe I'll actually write them.

Snuggling in bed with Kiel the other night and he was telling me about one of the girls in his kindergarten class and how she likes his new hair cut. Apparently she is his girlfriend and he's going to marry her. I asked when he was going to ask her to marry him and he told me that "no, she has to ask me."

It was quiet for a few minutes and then Kiel said "It's good I'm not a girl." And this is the conversation that followed:

Mom: Why?

Kiel: Because I don't want to have to marry a boy.

Mom: Oh. Hmm...but Kiel, sometimes boys do marry boys.

Kiel:(In a high pitched I don't believe you kind of voice.) What?  No way.

Mom: Yes, they do. What's important is that they love each other, and sometimes boys love boys.

Kiel: And they get married? And like kiss?

Mom: Yup.

Kiel: Oh. That is so weird.

Mom: And you know what? Sometimes girls marry girls, and that's ok too.

Kiel: OK. Stop. You are FREAKING.ME.OUT.

(It was all I could do not to laugh at his reaction at this point.)

Mom: Well, mostly boys love girls, but sometimes boys love boys and girls love girls, and that's ok. I'm pretty sure you love girls, but if you don't that's ok.

Kiel: Oh, I know I love girls.

Mom: I just blew your mind didn't I.

Kiel: I don't know what that means, I'm only five.


 

Lightening things up with a visit to Santa!

Yesterday, we took the boys to Springfield Mall to see Santa. The mall offered us free pictures plus a very nice gift bag and some gift certificates so I jumped at the chance. I rarely have a chance anymore to take advantage of mom blog events, so I was thrilled we could do this one.

We had "fast pass" access (yes, I did feel guilty when I saw how long the line was), and it was awesome!

Noah pretty much raced up to Santa and plopped himself down right between his legs, leaving no room for Kiel. I got him rearranged and Kiel settled and then smiles and clicks and we had two photos to choose from. While I picked the pic, Santa asked what they wanted for Christmas.
 

Noah wants 50 pounds of bubble gum in his stocking. Pink. With red dye. Santa got a chuckle out of that one.*

Kiel wants Transformers.

After we recieved our pictures (again, thanks Springfield Mall for the full package, plus a $20 gift card to Shutterfly!) Rich and I split up with the kids to help them do their Christmas shopping. I took Kiel first and we quickly took care of his present for Rich. Then we wandered through several stores (including a dollar store and the Disney store where Kiel found lots of things he wanted so he thought they would be perfect for Noah). 

Eventually we ended up at Target, where we ran into Rich and Noah. Noah took me through the toy aisles to show me a few things he liked, then Kiel and I went back and I worked hard at steering Kiel to toys Noah liked, not toys Kiel wanted. I have some work to do with Kiel on what gift giving means. 

We finally finished our mission and Rich took everything to pay while I took the boys back into the mall to wait. It was insanely busy in Target in the toy area and I may have had a mini anxiety attack where I told Rich I had to get the f*&k out of there and got a little bossy about what we were going to do next. OK fine, the bossy part had nothing to do with the anxiety. I'm just bossy.

See behind the boys into the entrance of Target? I tried to take the cart out in my rush to get away from all the peoples. Alarms went off. Then the cart wouldn't move. Something in the floor(?) locked the wheels or did something so I couldn't push the cart forward. I got a little flustered. Noah saved me. 

Well, actually, I grabbed my purse and bag of goodies and pretty much shoved the cart to Noah to take back into the store. I was proud of him. He managed his mother well in her moment of crisis.

Yes, this is how I felt then. And no, the picture above it is not of the boys comforting each other while they waited for Rich to save them. I'm shocked you would even think that.

After that we went to Carrabba's Italian Grill for dinner. I had a blackberry sangria and life was good. Our waiter thought the boys were great (despite, maybe because of?, the shoe and sock that went flying out of the booth and the under-booth wrestling that followed I was too busy looking at the drinks menu to notice). He didn't even blink when I told him I needed something big and fruity to drink - just recommended the sangria.

Our dinner was great and both boys shared their chocolate sundaes with us at the end. 

Then Noah and I went to Macy's to pick out a tie for Rich (shhh...don't tell him, I want it to be a surprise). I had to explain to Noah that it might make his dad a little uncomfortable if he bought him a Christmas tie, considering he was Jewish. So then Noah decided to pick out a tie that looked Jewish. I don't quite know what he considers "Jewish looking," but he found several that he felt met the criteria. He has good taste. (I did have to tell him not to bother looking at the Don.ald Tru.mp table, because we were boycotting The Don.ald. He didn't even roll his eyes at me, he just moved on.)

On our way out to meet Rich and Kiel we went past the makeup counters. One of them had very loud music playing. I commented to Noah that I really must be getting old, because there was no way I could pick out makeup with music playing that loud. 

He laughed and said "Mom, you aren't old, you'll never be old. You can do anything." (And that Noah, is why you are my favorite child!)

It was a great afternoon and we all enjoyed ourselves. I'm very appreciative of Springfield Mall for the invitation and all the goodies. I don't think we would have taken the boys to see Santa this year (because I'm cheap about paying for pictures of Santa and will do anything not to go to a mall during the holidays) if it hadn't been for this offer.

*Santa better come through on this one. Noah still talks about the year he was three and he asked Santa for a Chick race car from the Cars movie. His request to Santa that year was the first we heard him mention Chick, and when we checked into it we realized Chick was the "mean" car in the movie, so we didn't get it for him. We got him a bunch of other cars that year, but not Chick. Who knew he would still remember that six years later. Just another awesome parenting moment. Oy.

 

Only When I Sleep

Rich left the house this morning at 7:30am with Noah. He left Kiel in the bedroom with me with a bowl of Cheerios and the tv on. At some point I felt Kiel crawl in bed next to me and ask if he could play on my Kindle Fire. I took it off the charger and fumbled it towards him.

He snuggled up next to me, occasionally stroking my ear lobe or playing with my hair. I opened my eyes occasionally to see him playing Where's my Water and Angry Birds. Then I saw he was watching a movie and was pretty settled in, so I rolled on my other side and fell soundly in to dream sleep.

We have a Netflix subscription and he's pretty good about choosing appropriate movies so I wasn't worried.

I managed an extra 90 minutes of sleep and it was lovely! I got up, I showered, Kiel showered, we went out for breakfast together, then to Michael's to get supplies for Kiel's upcoming birthday party. We finished up at Target, where Kiel was very sad to see that all the Halloween costumes were gone. He had to see it for himself, my word was not good enough.

We got home about 2pm and he wanted to play on his scooter, so I sat on the front step and turned on my Kindle.

Imagine my shock when I realized that he had purchased six videos from Amazon's video on demand to the tune of $51.

 Videos like The Amazing Spider-man that he said was too scary for him. And Cars, which we already own in every possible version.

He also purchased both The New Adventures of Batman: The Complete Series and one episode of The Batman - The Cat, the Bat and the Ugly. And then two other random videos.


Yes, I was asleep on the job. Totally and completely. And Kiel was on the web going crazy.

Rich took pity on me and called Amazon and a wonderful employee named Julie laughed when he told her what happened and she deleted everything and credited our account. Whew.

Parental controls have now been activated on my account.

In other news, we told Kiel that when he turns five (in ten days) that five year old's sleep in their own beds in their own rooms. We are trying to talk it up while at the same time make it clear this isn't an option.

As much as I love snuggling with him, it's time. Rich and I need our bed back. I need the kind of sleep I can't get when someone is wrapped around me at night.

It's time.


Any suggestions on how to get through this are welcome. We are going to do it over Thanksgiving week when at least one of us is home every day since Noah doesn't have school. I anticipate a couple rough nights.

Halloween 2012

Noah told me that it would be the worst day ever in his life and he would probably die if Halloween was cancelled. Considering what was going on on the rest of the east coast I didn't have a whole lot of sympathy for him when he said. I may have over-lectured him a bit on why it wouldn't be the end of the world if Halloween didn't happen. He wasn't buying it. In fact, I think he completely tuned me out after about ten seconds.

As it turned out our township did postpone trick or treating until Saturday afternoon. I wasn't home when I saw the notice, so I texted our neighbor to see if she had heard. She always seems to know what is going on since she actually talks to the rest of the neighbors, unlike me. 

Apparently our development has a Facebook page and the moms decided to give the township the middle finger and put an end to our kids insanity and let the trick or treating commence as it should.

The smart kids that knew it had been postponed immediately figured out that meant they could go trick or treating twice this year! Curses on the neighbor child that enlightened Noah with that news. No candy at our house for you x 2!*

However, our neighborhood children (and dare I say many "undocumented" neighbor children if the empty vans on the side of the streets meant anything) in all that was sugar and frightening, successfully accomplished their extortion of candy.

I seriously thought the excitement built up inside my two children was going to create a spontaneous combustion before we even started. Fortunately they both survived the forced eating of dinner and the wait until the neighbors started to come outside.
 

 

Blue Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle sans shell and a Navy Vampire Seal.

Both boys did great this year with the actual trick or treating. Kiel is a doorbell ringing, trick or treat yelling pro (remind me to tell you about the ding dong dash incident I caught him at a few days ago). Noah was a great big brother and had a super attitude. None of the problems we had the last couple years with the general surly and demanding attitude. Rich and I were able to just hang back and let them do their thing.

Ready to get started

We had a spider theme going on this year. Maybe next year I'll actually get all the stuff I spent the last couple weeks making outside.Noah spent many hours getting the spider webs just right.

Mom, can I eat this? Please?

  I think Kiel's joy was as much in the actual gathering of the candy as it was in the eating of it. He was told he could have three pieces and he was quite fine with that. He hasn't asked for more since then. (I figure that's a good thing considering I have his bag sitting next to me as I write this. I'm pretty sure he didn't actually count how many Snickers were in his bag.)

We carved the pumpkins on Saturday. Kiel is not a fan of pumpkin guts.

Noah thought I was brilliant turning his pink pumpkin into a rat hotel and Kiel's green pumpkin into a multi-mouthed vampire pumpkin.

This was my statement pumpkin. It didn't quite turn out the way I wanted. By Wednesday night part of the left side had collapsed inward, totally removing any possible ability to identify it.

A successful and enjoyable evening was had by all.  :)

*We will not be trick or treating twice. Sadly our front porch will not hold any buckets of candy on Saturday. Mommy is mean. And cheap.

A Post on Green - in bullet points

• Kiel likes pistachio ice cream, but he picks out all the pistachios. I'm OK with that if I can get to them before the cat does.

• Kiel refuses to eat any green vegetable. He also refuses orange, red, blue, yellow, white, and brown vegetables. He is no more willing to eat the rainbow array of fruit we have in our kitchen right now either.

• Noah happily drinks, and requests more, of my meany greeny smoothies that I make with bunches and bunches of baby spinach and a big handful of mushrooms that I then add whatever fruit we have hanging around, plus some chia seeds and wheat grass powder. He has watched me make them and knows what I put in them, but he still loves them! So do I.

• Rich and I are trying to go more green with our diet and are following a prominently plant based diet. This means we have a shit ton of green leafy vegetables in our refrigerator right now. 

• I'm trying to use more green cleaning products, and have just ordered the supplies I need to make our own laundry detergent, dish washer powder, and cleaning sprays. 

• I'm working with green yarn right now (kind of a sage green) and I'm not thrilled with it. This is for the second of two blankets I am making for my nephew and his wife, who just had twins last week. The first blanket is done and I'm quite happy with how it turned out. The second blanket however, is turning into a major PITA. The yarn I wanted isn't available right now and I can't find anything else that I really like. The yarn I have now feels nice, but it's a little thicker than what I had before, and it pills. I hate pilling. And I can't find a pattern that calls to me. Yarn frustration sucks.

What is green in your life? Feel free to tell me about it in the comments. :)

Playing in the Rain

My good friend Laurie reminded me recently how important it is to give our children memories of having fun. It really opened my eyes and mind when I heard that. Because of past behaviors and difficulties we have had in public, I hesitate to put us out there in public unless I know I can control both boys, and make a hasty exit if needed.

I'm trying to get us out there more and build those memories.

Today Kiel and I had one. We took Sera to the vet and when we left there it was raining. Kiel wanted to go to the playground.

M:  Dood, it's raining. You want to go and get wet?

K: (calling my bluff) Yes!

So we went and Kiel was in hog heaven.

He showed me how much faster the slides are when it is raining. And how if he ran really fast with his mouth open he could get a drink. And how walking the balance board lends itself to jumping off right into a mud puddle.

He ran around in circles with a huge smile on his face. It was awesome!

We were both thoroughly wet by the time we left. Wet and Happy!

 I wish I had my camera with me. Oh well, I will just have to remember it with words.

 

He needs Peoples in his bed, people!

We finally finished cleaning out Kiel’s bedroom (thanks Bella!) and he is just thrilled! I’m trying not to feel too guilty that it took so long, considering his excitement level. Even Noah was impressed and I’ve had to explain more than a few times why the room can’t be his and why it IS fair that Kiel gets it. (This is what Noah’s bedroom looked like when he was three. Someday I should do a blog post about what it looks like five plus years and a few dozen rages later. It isn’t pretty.)

Kiel was very excited to go to bed in his own bedroom the first night.  We never really expected him to sleep in it all night, but were shocked when he made it until about 4am before he crawled in bed with us.

Since then he has rarely made it past midnight, but he still starts out in his own room, which I think is huge progress!

Although happy to read stories and snuggle in his bed, he doesn’t actually want to sleep in it by himself. I have rarely been successful leaving the room before he is asleep. If he does fall asleep he does it with at least one hand holding on to my arm, which makes it very hard to get out of bed without him waking up. We tend to do better on the weekends when he is more tired because he doesn’t get a nap.

Most nights though, even if he does fall asleep, he ends up begging one of us to get in bed with him. He needs Peoples in his bed, he tells us.

Despite watching that English nanny do it on that TV show, I don’t have it in me by that time of night to keep taking him back to his room. I’m tired and I need some time to do my own work, and the only time I have is after the boys are in bed.

So, we have come to a compromise.

If Kiel will not sleep in his bed alone before Rich and I are ready for bed, he also can not come down to the family room. Therefore, the stalemate position is the staircase. He can’t get off the stairs, but we aren’t going to force him to his bedroom and make all of us miserable.

So this is how he ends up more nights than not.

 

Comfy huh?

Dudes! We went to a Dude Ranch! Rocking Horse Ranch to be exact.

A couple months ago I was chatting on Facebook with my friend Laurie from Adopting Special Needs and she mentioned they were going to spend a couple days at Rocking Horse Ranch in Highland, NY. 

I said that sounded like fun and that I was sure they would have a great time. Well, she said we will, and it would be even better if you came too. I was all, "oh yeah, but we can't afford a trip right now, and I hate traveling with the boys, and Noah would miss school, and oh, I don't know. What if Noah rages and I lose my sanity completely."

Well, Laurie gave me a cyber shake and said something along the line of "yeah, and? You won't be alone, I'll be here."

So I talked to Rich and he thought it sounded like a great idea. RHR runs a half-price special the week before Christmas, so it was somewhat affordable. So Rich booked the room and I pretended we weren't really going.

But then something changed (I need to update you on that soon) and I was feeling better, and it started to sound doable.

And we did!

The week before Christmas we spent two nights/three days with Laurie and her family at RHR. The kids had a ball!

Laurie's daughter GB is the same age as Noah and has very similar challenges. Kiel is two years younger than Hope, Laurie's youngest.

There wasn't any natural snow yet, unfortunately, but the snow maker was blowing away and pumping it out, so there was more than enough for us to go tubing. No skiing unfortunately.

 

All the kids loved it! 

Noah and GB shared a few rides in the double tube.

  

 While Rich and Kiel went together.

I was taking the pictures here, but took plenty of rides myself, with Kiel and alone. 

So much fun!

I don't think any of the kids stopped smiling the entire time they were on the slope.

I love this picture of Hope; she looks so happy with that smile.

Here Noah and Kiel are kicking back tee pee style.

The second favorite place was the pool with its indoor water slide.

They spent hours in the pool.

So did Daddy!

Noah's third favorite part was the bungee jumping, where he could bounce and flip as much as he wanted. Unfortunately I didn't get any pictures of that. :( 

RHR is a dude ranch, so of course there was horse back riding.

Rich and Noah went on a trail ride. Rich had the "crazy" horse. Unfortunately, no one told him until after the ride was over.  Kiel wasn't old enough so I stayed back with him

so he could do this!

Of course since it was a Dude Ranch, dudes, the boys had to have cowboy hats!

Kiel didn't want to take his off.

Not for the pool.

Not for bed. And yes, apparently cowboys do wear their boots to bed.

Nope, he wasn't taking it off for anything.

Kiel on THE Rocking Horse of Rocking Horse Ranch.

We had a great time. I'm very glad we did it. It was wonderful being with Laurie and her family, although we never did seem to have enough time to talk together. Guess we'll make up for it in Orlando in March.

We loved it so much that both families booked for the week before Christmas 2012!

The days before Christmas

We have a few holiday traditions we've kept going since Noah was a baby.

The hospital Rich works at always has a party for the employees kids and grandchildren. They have a magician perform, music, cookies, and of course Santa and Mrs. Clause with a few elves.

Kiel isn't too sure about Santa.

"I shy," he says.

He got up his courage though and talked quietly with Santa and Mrs. Clause.

Santa remembered him from last year and was very gentle.

  We tried what might be a new tradition and took both boys to visit with Santa at The Melting Pot.

They decided he is the "real" Santa. Noah said it is because his beard doesn't come off.

Kiel was much more comfortable with this Santa. I'm not sure if it was because he was with big brother, or because he was wearing his new boots that he was refusing to take off.

As far as the Melting Pot experience went, Noah and Kiel weren't exactly fans. I love it, and Rich tolerates it. The boys did great though, even if they weren't thrilled by the food. We were there for at least two hours and both of them handled it quite well. Mommy was proud!

After our lunch with Santa we came home and the boys helped me make Christmas decorations for their teachers. We took clear glass balls and let paint drip inside them. It took some trial and error since some of the paint was thicker than others. We ended up putting small jingle bells inside and rolling them around with the paint to help cover the glass. The first few were a bit ehh, but after I realized that using different paint types (gel, acrylic, some thinner than others) the paints swirled together, without blending. I was really pleased with how they turned out.

I'd like to try it again next year, but need to find some better quality glass balls. These were cheap ones from Target and break very easily. I'd like to do this with a ball that is a bit thicker and less likely to break just by touching. If you have any thoughts on where I could find something like that for next year, leave me a note in the comments.