Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Dr. Dick and the wayward Sperm -or - The things we do for our wives

So after much begging and cajoling, and use of Amazing Daddy's sexy phone voice, we managed to get in to see Dr. Dick (a.k.a. the fertility urologist) several weeks before our scheduled appointment.

Oh such fun, to sit across his desk and have him tell us nothing...NOTHING...NADA...ZILCH. "Hmmmm....nope, never really seen this happen before. I see you had sperm four years ago....yup...hmmm....blah...blah...blah."

Not one to just let it go...and believe me...I didn't. I pushed the issue a bit. Oh yes...I asked (insert appropriate scary music introduction) Dr. Dick questions...many questions. Questions that resulted in him pulling out a plastic prostate. And much pointing at things.

Ahhhh...Hmmmm...Yes, I understand. So, you can't really say for sure there is a blockage, in fact you don't think so. Hmm...Why Dr. Dick...How can you tell anything if you haven't even looked at my dear husband's penis yourself!!

And if he doesn't have sperm today, what makes you think he'll have some a month from now. And why won't you shove a needle in there and see if you can find any? Unnecessary procedure you say...hmmmm...

Ohhhh....So you'd rather wait for me to take a months worth of hormones, forcing my body first in to menopause, then in to ovarian hyperstimulation, then, and only then, when I have two ovaries bursting out of my abdomen with eggs (going to be optimistic on this one) would you consider trying to extract sperm from my husbands testicles. Really, because money and my health and SANITY comes second to poking the family jewels. Cause what the hell, why not take that big risk and put it all on the line with a chance that there will be no sperm to fertilize all my little eggs.

What? What's that Dr. Dick? Now you say maybe we should have a donor as backup?

Through most of this Amazing Daddy sits quietly back and listens. Perhaps enjoying watching Dr. Dick squirm, or perhaps, just too fucking embarrassed at his wife talking about his penis and prostate and urine flow, etc. etc. etc..

Finally, and I would bet a box of Thin Mints on this, just to shut me up, Dr. Dick said he would scope Amazing Daddys penis to see if there was a blockage in his urethra. So then AD pipes up and says "you owe me one." Oh yeah dear heart, maybe by the 47th time someone has stuck something up your weewee we might be about even, cause shit, the number of times I've had things shoved up my whoha, pieces pulled out, parts left in, etc. Not to mention the number of injections I've given myself and the ones he's poked me in the ass with.

So AD gets poked up both ends and what does Dr. Dick say? "The things we do for our wives."

Apparently AD went home feeling a little squishy that day. Good thing I keep his underwear nice and clean and folded in his drawer for him for these emergency squishy days.

Friday, March 10, 2006

My favorite sugar rush

I made a baby shower cake for one of my coworkers last weekend. We were going to have the shower on Tuesday. Guess we waited to long. She had her baby early that morning. Oh well, we all enjoyed the cake anyway.

Here it is. It was the first time I tried using marshmallow fondant. It was kind of fun. I'll try it again sometime. And the cake only took about 10 hours to make.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Still MIA

What a stellar day Wednesday was.

First, the ovulation test was positive, so the countdown was officially going to start. Amazing Daddy had the Lupron at work and I notified the doctor.

Then Amazing Daddy dropped another sample off at the clinic to be tested. And yet again, those damn spermies are missing in action. And he acts surprised that we haven't been able to get pregnant???

Next step call the urologist to arrange for them to stick a needle in his balls to see if he has sperm but it's blocked. And if he does they'll just take it out and freeze it for our cycle. Well GDMF but they can't get us in until April 26. Don't they know they have a desperate profoundly infertile woman here! And I can only stay well preserved for so long!

I finally got a message through to Dr. Dick (the urologist) about what was going on so he wants SH to have yet another analysis (like they will just magically reappear???). Apparently they don't consider this a life threatening condition. Perhaps some old guy will kick it and we'll get his appointment. We can only hope.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

A funny thing happened on the way to the clinic...

Well, it seems that darling AD's sperm has gone AWOL. Yup...all those sweet little swimmers seem to have disappeared in the last three years. Could it be we have had so much sex in the last couple years that we have exhausted his supply? I posed that question to him and the look I received back was pure disgust. Hmmm...could it be I'm not putting out enough?

Perhaps I mentioned before that we have always had some concern with his juiciness. I always speculated AD was just plumbed wrong. The man could produce more fluid from his mouth and nose than anyone I know. Talk about drowning in kisses. However, giving this man a blow job is a joy (Well, comparatively speaking. And if I actually did things like that.) because 1ml is a lot less likely to surprise and choke you, than 1 teaspoonful.

Apparently though, the pond is getting smaller and it's run out of fish.

Hopefully we will know more this week because he is going to have a formal semen analysis (SA). We just did a quick and dirty look at a drop under the microscope this week because I didn't want to start drugs until I knew he had some badboys available to inject into my super powered eggs at the end of all these hormones. Thank god I did, because if we hadn't we could have ended up four weeks from now sucking out a bunch of adorable little eggs from my super sized ovaries and had no sperm to inject in to them. Fuck! Wouldn't that have been a nice way to blow 10 grand. At that point I would have been begging the janitor for a donation. And not from his paycheck either!

Hopefully the test this week will be fine and last week's was just an anomaly. If not we have to go see the urologist and try to figure out whats going on. Best case its a blockage of some kind and they'll just have to go into his testicle with a syringe and pull some sperm out the morning of the retrieval (TESE). Worst case we have to figure out if he's man enough to use a sperm donor.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

I have got to stop reading blogs at work!

This post by Untitledlife had me close to pissing myself at work! I was laughing so hard that I started choking and a coworker thought I was crying. How do you explain to people at work that you think farts are just about the funniest thing in the world? So you read it, and tell me that you don't think that's just about the funniest post ever!

So it got me thinking about families and farting. I grew up in a family of farters. In fact, I thought my grandfather invented the elephant and pull my finger jokes. My father could clear out a room faster than anyone I knew. So it's no surprise that about half of my posts here have to do with farting or pooping.

My parents were in town a couple weeks ago for TB's third birthday party. As usual I was racing around a bit crazed the day before trying to get everything ready. And I kept smelling it...this foul odor. And then, I realized that it was always in the vicinity of my mother. Silent but deadly people! Kind of like when she's mad at me. So I called her on it and I think the lady blushed! And then she told me I wasn't supposed to be following her. I told her, that if she went outside to do it I wouldn't!

But I suppose, it's a bit of the pot calling the kettle black!

A few weeks ago TB was playing on our bedroom floor while I was getting dressed. I was only a few feet away from him when I let what we like to call a real butt flapper. I have to say I impressed myself with the shear enormity of it! When TB heard it he got this frightened look on his face and said "Mommy, what was that?" Of course I had to admit that I had tooted. "Oh...Mommy...you tooted...I a little scared!" said TB as he cowered on the floor in front of me.

Wow...Apparently I made an impression on my son, because he talked about it all day, to everyone we came in contact with. Then when Awesome Daddy came home I heard him say "Daddy...Mommy tooted...I a little scared," to which AD responded, "yes, Mommy's toots scare me too."

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

He's a genius I tell you!

The other morning The Boy was checking out his nostril with his finger, almost like he'd never encountered it before. I asked him what he was doing and he looked at me with his big brown eyes, and with amazement in his voice he said "Mommy...it's a tunnel...for boogers!"

Who cares if he can't go peepee on the potty! My boy is brilliant!