Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Doing the science, so you don't have to.

I was a bit of a science geek in school. I capital L-O-V-E loved MacGyver. I didn't have normal crushes on normal teen idols, oh no. Once I moved past Shawn Cassidy and Donny Osmond, it was pretty much MacGyver all the way.

And just to prove he still sets me all aquiver, I just wasted an hour at this website dedicated to the series.

Anyway...I could write an entire blog post or twelve on why I loved the guy so much (shut up! He was not just a character!). Or tell you how when a guy I was dating fixed my furnace with no more than a rubber band and a paper clip (I shit you not!) I was so turned on I wanted to throw him down on the cold, hard basement floor and have wild monkey sex with him right then and there, but I won't bore you with those silly stories.

Because really, when I sat down to write this I was going to tell you how much I loved science and how in the MNT household I am keeping that love alive and passing it on to my children. Until I got sidetracked by my lusty thoughts of MacGyver that is.

But back to science, and my children, and passing on the love, etc. etc.

I always assumed that I would be one of those moms that did science experiments with her kids. I also assumed I would be one of those moms that did all kinds of cool things in the kitchen with her kids, and did art projects, and took them to cool, educational places.

And then Noah came along and I tried all of those things and the ingredients for the science experiment were all dumped in together, the measuring spoons were thrown into the mixer while it was running, the paint ended up every where but on the paper, and he was "that kid" inside the giant heart at the Franklin Institute that wouldn't come out.

So the paint dried up, and the baking slowed down, and we stay away from giant walk-in hearts.

But, we still do science experiments! It's just that they are rarely planned or intentional. We do however learn from them.

For example, just the other day Kiel taught me that combs don't flush. They also don't really float. In fact, they will slide down far enough into the workings of the toilet that you don't really know it is there. Well, not until after your morning constitutional and you realize the toilet is plugged up, so you get the plunger and start plunging away. So you plunge and plunge, and finally things are moving again, but you can still see a little bit of blue way down just peeking out into the bottom of the bowl, with some floaters around it. You start to think that maybe Kiel tried to flush his night time pullup down and figure you are going to have to pull it out. So you try to get clever and turn the plunger around and fish it out with the handle end. But that doesn't work, and you realize if it was indeed a pullup there is no way anything would be flushing down. So you plunge some more, and you flush, and you prove to yourself that the water is flowing down again, but you still see this little bit of blue, way down deep in the bowl. And you still see some floaters, so you know it isn't all going down. Plus, you didn't hear that satisfying gurgle burp that you usually hear after a successful unclogging.

And then you realize that you have nothing left to do but plunge your hand down deep into the toilet and pull it out yourself. Don't worry, I promptly cut my hand off at the wrist so no worries if you ever do meet me in person, just shake my left hand. And out came my big blue comb. The comb I use every morning to untangle my wet hair. The comb that now has shit stuck between some of the tines. The comb that was picked up yesterday morning by the trash guys.

So remember, combs don't flush. The combination of comb and shit doesn't float. And no matter how many times you flush that comb is still going to have poop between the tines.

Awesome stuff right?

Now, just the week before Noah helped me conduct another science experiment. This one involved one of those sandwich cracker packs, the pocket of his shorts, and the washing machine.

Maybe it was his hint that he wanted me to make meatloaf, because those crackers came out perfectly crushed. The consistency and uniformity of the crumbs was truly perfection.

Unfortunately, the crumbs didn't stay in the wrapping they started out in. They didn't even stay in the pocket. Oh no, they left a nice uniform coating of wet cracker crumbs on all the clothes and the inside of the washer and then the dryer.

I'm all for multi-tasking and economy of motion, but take my word for it, crush your crackers by hand. Doing it in the washer and dryer is highly inefficient for both effort and output.

And there you have it. I did the science so you don't have to.

You are welcome.