My birthday letter of love to my sweet baby Kiel.

My darling Kiel,

It is unbelievable to me that you are a year old. How has time passed so quickly? In some ways it feels like just last month that I was pregnant with you. Oh how I loved being pregnant with you. Feeling you move inside me thrilled me. For too many years I thought you were a miracle that would never happen to me. You can't imagine the joy I felt when that pregnancy test was finally positive! It still brings me to tears of joy when I think about it.

When you were inside me I felt a connection with you that amazed me. It was a selfish pleasure, because I knew no one else could experience with you what I was experiencing. I still look at your belly button and marvel how it connected you to me for 41 weeks.

And then one day you decided it was time to join us on the outside. And you made that desire very forcefully known to me! Let me tell you little boy of mine, birthing you was not easy! But it was oh so worth it!

Your Daddy and your big brother were awfully excited to have you join us too.

It thrilled me that I was able to breastfeed you. Something that I was always sad I couldn't do for your big brother. It created a bond between us. I was there for you in a way no one else could be. Again, I was amazed how my body could sustain you. I'm so happy you still want to share this with me.

I think you are the most beautiful, most clever little boy in the whole world. You charm me with your big smile and your gorgeous blue eyes.

And your laugh, it is infectious!



And you have such a joy of life!

And I still think those two little curls on the back of your head, what we call your infinity sign, are a sign of something incredibly special.

My sweet little boy, I can't imagine a life without you. You have changed me, made me whole. You make me want to be a better mother. You make me try harder, for you and your brother.

I love you beyond words. Part of me wishes you would stay this baby forever, and part of me is excited to see you grow. You change a little every day. You learn something new every day. Every day is a miracle to me with you in it.

I wish you a life of happiness and fulfillment. Grow strong, grow smart, grow happy!

Never give up that sense of wonder. Or that sparkle in your eye.

Always know you are my little prince.

You and your big brother are the frosting on my cake!

Never, ever, forget how much you are loved!

NaBloPoMo is kicking my ass!

I've officially run out of interesting things to say. So sorry everyone.

All I've got is my itty bitty baby is ONE YEAR OLD today!

Seriously, how did this happen?

A year ago right this very minute I was yelling something like "get the damn thing out of me!"

Actually, no, not really. I was pretty quiet during the whole thing. It hurt like a mother f'er though.

It is completely impossible that my baby is ONE YEAR OLD!

How did this happen?!? A year ago tonight I was preparing to go in the next evening to be induced. My parents arrived and saw me for the first time big and pregnant. Ok, not for the first time big, but definitely for the first time pregnant.

And I had mixed feelings on whether or not I was ready to let him out. I loved being pregnant and knew I was going to miss having a baby inside me. I still miss having an excuse to rub my belly and be proud of its size.

I'm working on a birthday letter for Kiel, but it may be a few more days until I finish it.

Until then I'm going to continue to ponder his belly button and the amazement it still gives me that for 41 weeks it connected him to me and gave him life.

Happy Birthday Baby Boy!

Still tired

Am still tired. Very, very tired.

And just got an email from my mother. She's unbelievable. Parts of it are so ridiculous that I can't even respond. Am coming to realize that all this shit started around the time she stopped taking her antidepressant medication a couple years ago. Oh the joy of having a crazy family.

So in lieu of a real post, here are some more pictures.

Now I'm going to go crawl in bed with the second Twilight book and pretend none of this is happening.

Getting ready for The Party!

In my typical fashion I'm getting a little crazed as I get ready for Kiel's birthday party.

I spent most of today making his birthday cake. It's probably three times the size it really needs to be. But, I don't know how to do things small. I probably have three times the food needed for the party too.

I actually bought a lot of ready made food (which is unusual for me, but I'm trying not to go crazy - hah), and we're getting a sandwich tray from Ben and Irv's (a Jewish deli). My original plan was to just have snacks and cake since the party is at 2pm, but Rich felt it was important to have sandwiches. There will also be a variety of cheeses, a vegi tray, fruit salad, a variety of chips and dips, and some hot appetizers. Normally I'd have a couple bottles of wine and beer as well, but Rich's family really doesn't drink. That's not going to stop me from making a pitcher of beer margaritas for myself though! If everyone comes there should be about 20 people; all from Rich's family. You know, since my parents aren't coming to their youngest grandchild's first birthday party. But I'm not bitter...

Here's a sneak peek of the cake.

I tried a new fondant recipe. Usually I make marshmallow fondant, but this one supposedly tastes more like a butter cream. It does taste good but wasn't as easy to work with as MMF. We'll see how it holds up and what everyone thinks of the taste.

I made a smash cake for Kiel too, but I forgot to take pictures of it.