Friday, January 23, 2009

The big breakup

**It's taken me close to a month to write this, for many reasons, but I want to finally get it out there**

I'm going to attempt to write this without getting too emotional and all "my parents suck...wah wah wah."

First I should say over all we had an awesome holiday. Christmas morning was so much fun with both boys. Just like I dreamed it would be! They loved everything. Noah was so excited and had as much fun with Kiel's gifts as his own. Kiel was just the happy baby he always is and played with everything. If I can find my camera soon I'll get some pictures up.

So, now for the heavy stuff.

We did indeed go visit my parents in Michigan. Rich really thought we should, and after the talk with my mom I was somewhat optimistic. We all agreed we needed to sit down after the boys were in bed one night and talk about how everyone was feeling.

We drove out there on the 27th. All day the 26th I had this feeling of dread and kept putting off packing and getting ready. But I gave myself a pep talk and by the next morning I was feeling optimistic and even a little excited.

Our drive out was pretty uneventful except for Noah getting a fever and Rich starting to feel sick about half way there. Noah's fever made him pretty low key for the drive though, and he wasn't feeling miserable, just tired and lethargic. He was actually really pleasant to be with. LOL I drove about half the way which is more than I usually do. We made it in 9 1/2 hours which is the best time we've ever made. Usually it is closer to 12 hours.

Rich and Noah were both sick for most of the visit. Rich with a bad cold and Noah with a fever. Noah's fever improved with acetaminophen and he felt pretty good during the day. It came back in the evening though. Which unfortunately was when my brother and his family were around or when my Dad was around the most.

For the most part Noah's behavior was pretty good. He had a few times where he acted like a brat. Mostly in the evening, and always when he had a fever. One time was kind of awful, as my brother and his family were there and we were exchanging Christmas presents. I just ignored Noah, then finally took him upstairs and got him changed in to his pajamas and calmed down. His behavior did suck, but in all fairness to him, he had a fever and we had made him wait for dinner for well over an hour past his usual time, then everyone took forever to eat and made him wait what seemed like an eternity to him I'm sure, until we opened presents.

I spent some time earlier that day talking with my sister in law about what was going on with Noah. I could tell she just didn't get it. She said very little when I talked about the PDD. I was telling her about how hard it was at soccer sometimes with the other parents and how they reacted to him. Her response was something along the lines of "well, every parent feels like they are being looked at."

So, fast forward to the evening of the third day we were there. Rich wanted to take Noah and two of my nephews to the movies. I asked my mom if she would watch Kiel so I could go to the movies too. She said yes, only somewhat reluctantly.

So we went to the movies and had a good time. We came back about 6:30pm and I went in the house first because I was anxious to see Kiel. My mom made a big deal about him napping in her arms for 2 hours and 40 minutes. Then she made some comment about me still sleeping with Kiel when he was in his marriage bed.

Noah and Rich came inside and my parents dog, a yappy, jumpy little Lhasa Apso named Derf started jumping up on Noah and kept saying "no" and pushing him away. Derf wouldn't stop and he eventually scratched Noah on the chest and Noah started crying.

My Dad blew a gasket and yelled at Noah and said "enough! get that boy out of here."

Rich and I were stunned. And then I was pissed.

I went over to my Dad, who turned to walk away from me. I grabbed his arm to turn him around and told him that it was not OK for him to yell at my children.

My Mom came over to me and started to yell about me respecting my dad.

Then my Dad went around and started taking down the baby gates and made a comment along the lines about it not being their responsibility to watch my children.

Rich and I just looked at each other and went upstairs and started packing. When we came downstairs with the first load I heard my mom say "here come the suitcases and tears."

My parents just sat in their chairs looking at the TV while we packed up the car. Then my mom said she wanted to say something to me. So I turned to look at her and she told me that "Noah would be a delightful child if you disciplined him" and some other comments along those lines.

The whole thing was just unreal. It blows my mind that my mother would think it was OK for my dad to yell at Noah because he was crying. And when I tried to call her on that all she would say was she loved her husband and she supported him. Clearly they have issues with me and with Noah and it all came out there.

I think they were relieved that we were leaving. Once we got a few hours away from them I know Rich and I were.

So we haven't heard from them since other than them sending us a suitcase that we forgot. I called to thank them for sending it to us and left a message as no one answered. I've sent them a couple emails but have not heard back from them on those either.

So there you have it. I think my parents and I broke up.

I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about it. I feel a little like an orphan actually. That and I'm incredible disappointed in them.

I don't see how we can visit them again. And I certainly don't want them to visit us. I can't purposely put my kids in that kind of situation.

And that my friends, is why I need therapy.



  1. I'm speechless reading this. How DARE they blame Noah's behavioral "issues" on your lack of discipline. They clearly have no understanding or empathy for the medical issues that he (and you) endure.

    I know it hurts and must be incredibly puzzling to have broken up with your parents, but if they are going to act that way with and in front of your children, then they are horrible examples for behavior (IRONIC, no?) and it is for the best.

    You have made MAJOR efforts to mend things with them but they don't seem to get that they are part (OK, most) of the problem. Until that happens, I don't see any mending happening.

    We are here for you as informal therapy whenever you need it. I'm only sorry for the reasons that you do.

    Thinking of you guys.

  2. I've been reading for awhile and I just thought I'd share my situation with you.

    I no longer speak to my mother. She's called twice, I think, acting like everything was ok and she could never break a plate.

    But the basics of what happened is: I'm the oldest and the most independent of the group. My mother has always put me down. She didn't even want me to go to college. She thought it was a waste of time.

    My three younger sisters can't take a breath without consulting her. My sister in line after me is a total screw up. She had 6 children starting when she was 15 and she's only 28 now. The baby was murdered by the father and I now have the other 5 kids for almost 3 years now. My sister knew of the abuse and did nothing but watch. She abused the children too.

    My mother knows this. 4 out of the 5 kids have RAD. I tried to explain it to my mother before I knew that they had RAD that something didn't seem right. I told her about all the physical and sexual abuse that ALL the children were telling me about and she said they just needed their mother and they were acting out because they wanted HER. Meantime, my sister never called them but like 2 times and visited them once in the whole year and a half before TPR.

    Then when I found out that they had RAD when she called I told her and she told me "Oh well, you're a mother now, deal with it." Um...ok. I lost it and I told her how she could side with that murderer (my sister/kids mother) and she told me that I just didn't know how much my sister was going through. My sister! I'm listening to the 5 CHILDREN tell me their horror stories day in and out and my sister is the poor baby?

    I don't speak to my mother at all. We always had a reversed relationship anyway. But it still hurts and I miss her sometimes despite everything but I just know that she's toxic and we need her out of our lives. We need to just move forward and chalk it up as their loss because that's what it is.

    It's sad and lonely but still less stressful and aggravating and abusive.

    I'm sorry you have to go through this. It sucks. But it's not your fault as much as my situation is not my fault. I hope you know that and never think for a second that you did something wrong.

  3. Wow! I think that you acted in a way that was perfectly reasonable. My mom and dad spend 3 evenings a week with my son just because they want to. I can't even wrap my brain around feeling like spending time with your grandchildren is a chore. That is insane!

  4. I am so sorry for your situation.

    If we don't stand up for our children, as Mothers, no one will. You certainly did the right thing.

    I hope you can find some sort of peace. It must be tough, I'm sure.

  5. I understand that you will always give your parents one more chance, until you don't. Your family, husband and kids, should always come first, and I'm sure they do but why would you want to spend time with people like that or expose your children to them? Don't feel guilty about making the right choice for your family and your health.
    It seems that they have a problem being grandparents to both your kids, the time they spend is obviously not quality time, and it doesn't seem as though you enjoy their company. SO make the break, in this case don't make any effort to contact them, they make you miserable!

  6. How can a grandparent not be more patient when a child is sick? I'm so sorry that your trip was so frustrating and hurtful for you. I hope that you do better without the hurt and toxicity of being around them. Big hugs.

  7. Your parents suck! My extended family is totally supportive of our adoption and all the difficulties we have with Little Man, so I can't even begin to know how horrible it must feel. I am just sooooo very sorry for all of this. You deserve better.

  8. I too have broken up with my mother. And it's hard, damn hard. There are times when you feel like it's wrong, only naughty people have broken up with their folks.

    You're not alone, sweets. Sometimes those we are related to are not the best for us.