Moving forward with a smile...and various blathering on about nothing

So I rolled myself out of bed this morning and made it to work. Other than dumping his bag of chex mix in the car The Boy and I had a good morning. Only minor struggles getting dressed and sun screened up. I even managed to hold back the tears while driving.

Once at work I did much better. Although tired (probably from the double xanax Sunday night) I managed to accomplish and interact appropriately. I even had an amazing conversation with my boss. She has been very supportive through all of this, far more than I had thought possible. There was a time when I don't think she could have expressed concern or support, because she would have been so focused on the thought that if i did get pregnant I would take time off to have the damn baby. Considering I would be the fourth employee in less than two years for this to happen to, I guess I can't blame her. But, she's surprised me and handled this all very well. Or, maybe she just doesn't believe it will happen so isn't all that concerned. But no, that really isn't fair of me, because she has been so kind and really opened up to me today about her own pregnancy several years ago. Believe me, this was a big deal!

So yeah, may be not quite as empty today as yesterday. Although when I stepped on the scale this morning and saw I'd gained ten pounds during this cycle, I realized I shouldn't be empty at all, cause apparently I've been stuffing my face for the last two months. So if I chose to stop being depressed over the BFN I can be depressed about gaining back ten pounds of the 40 pounds I worked so hard to lose last winter. God damn roller coaster. If it isn't dieting, it's infertility. They don't really compliment each other very well at all.

On the bright side of things, TB actually snuggled up with me on the couch today and watched a movie. I'd say I got a good 30 minutes of cuddle time before his body went in to movement withdrawal and he was forced to get up and shake everything in a bizarre fashion. But really, 30 minutes is amazing for him. And considering it's been a good month since he's sat like that with me for any length of time, I have to say it was a good day. Perhaps he senses the hormones fading from my body.

Speaking of hormones, the ol' period started today. I figure this one will be a doozy considering what a rich, lush lining I had from all that progesterone. Plus, I'm still having occasional cramping from my ovaries. And....drum roll please....I had my first aura today. No, not one of those good touchy feely hippy crystal yoga type auras (cause that one would probably be black or at least grey right now) but a true migraine aura. Let me just tell you that was f'ing weird. I was in a meeting and we were looking at all these papers and I felt like I had looked in to a spot light for too long, because I couldn't see parts of the papers, and I had this metallic silver ring on the left side of my visual field. I guess I must have been looking pretty weird, maybe something to do with trying to read with one eye closed and the continual repositioning of the papers in front of my face. So one of my coworkers asked me what was wrong and I was all like "I think I'm having a stroke." Just like my husband though no one took me too seriously, but my boss (score TWO points for her today) said it sounded like I was having an aura. Well fuck if she wasn't right, because about an hour later the pain started. So I popped an Imitrex and about 45 minutes later life was dandy again. I think i like this aura bit, because instead of waiting until I knew the headache was a migraine, I drugged up right away and didn't have to hide in the dark under my desk from the pain.

Tomorrow is a TB and Mommy day. Whoo hoo. Supposedly we have OT in the morning, but she cancelled last week, and the four weeks before that was summer break. OT is great for TB, and our days tend to be better after he has a session, but the hall I have to wait in isn't air conditioned, and since it's supposed to be another hot mother tomorrow (100+ degrees) I'm not so sure I want to go.

There's a new kids place in our town, called Jungle Jim's Kids Zone. It looks interesting, and I spoke with the owner yesterday to find out more about it. It sounds like mornings are free play/mom's morning out type set up. They have a snack bar with coffee and tea, etc. Sounds great, except for the fact that I might have to actually socialize with another human being. In between making sure TB isn't jumping on another child. So yeah, not so sure about this. New venue, worry that no one will talk to me... takes me all the way back to highschool. Oh shit...what do I wear?

Damn, maybe I should just go to Target and let TB eat popcorn and create a trail through he store (in case we get lost you know, he's very up on his fairy tales). We do need diapers. Oh man, that's a post for another day. TB will be 3 1/2 in August, and he's no wear near wanting to be potty trained. The pediatrician said not to worry, he won't go to college in diapers. He didn't promise he wouldn't start highschool that way though.

Emptiness, pressure, and moving forward

So many things have gone through my head this weekend. As I fell asleep in Amazing Daddy's arms Friday night I realized that what I was feeling mostly was empty. More than the disappointment and sadness, was emptiness.

It's not something I really feel I can say out loud to anyone, because it sounds so selfish. How can I say I'm empty when I have an amazing husband and a little boy that I love with all my heart. How dare I want more? How dare I say my life isn't enough for me?

In a way it's harder because I know that AD feels like his life is full already. He's happy with the family we have now. He doesn't "need" another child the way I do. He is already fulfilled.

Then I wonder how The Boy will feel if we do have another child. Will he ever wonder why he wasn't "enough" for me? Or if he's not as good as a child that I'm able to give birth to? But it's none of that. My feelings have nothing to do with any of that. The emptiness I feel has nothing to do with what I have.

I'm not sure I know how to explain it. In a way the emptiness is because of what I've never been able to experience. I was definitely one of those little girls who played mommy and baby. I always knew I wanted children. I decided not to go to medical school because I wanted a family more, and I didn't believe that was a career I could have and have a family at the same time. From my twenties on I've always had this fear that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant. I actually had a doctor as me if I was fulfilling my own prophecy when I told him this. This was early on, before we did any tests. I think after my first HSG when he realized something was right, he regretted saying that, but still. What makes a woman fear something like that? I was a good girl. I was a virgin until I was 22 (not that I don't regret that now). I never messed around. I was ultra careful not to get pregnant before I was married. And knowing I was being a good girl, I still worried that I would never get my chance.

So how DO I explain this emptiness? How do I explain it to my husband in a way that he doesn't think I'm saying he's not enough for me? How do I ensure that TB never wonders if he wasn't enough for me.

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AD says we can do one more cycle. And I know that really that is all we can afford. But the pressure of knowing we only have one more shot at this is a lot. I can't imagine how I'll feel knowing it's the last shot.

The other pressure I feel is my age. At this point if I do get pregnant on the next cycle, I'll be 39 when I have the baby. AD will be 50 (not that any one would ever believe it). We'll be old parents. Is that fair to a child?

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So I gave myself the weekend to wallow. Tomorrow I will get up and move forward with a smile on my face, no matter how empty my heart.

It's official

Yup, the "I'm sorry" call. So the knot is gone. And there were some tears. I feel bad having to tell Amazing Daddy at work. He's having a rough day as it is after being gone for four days. So much crap for him to catch up on. He may have to go in to work this weekend to catch up. Which sucks on many levels. He goes in to work on his day off, but doesn't get to take it off of the vacation days he had to use. And, that means I have to be alone with The Boy. But, I am determined to be a better mom and enjoy the time I'm with him.

So, no more progesterone. Thank god. Hopefully I'll be feeling better by the time I get my period.

So, no Xanax yet. But I did break in to the tortilla chips and made up some queso dip. And then the door bell rang. I thought maybe...flowers? To cheer me up? Although hardly enough time had passed for something like that to happen.

Nope, it's a painter come to pain the front door (ahhh..the first good thing of an association, other than the lawn care and snow shoveling). So I can't even sit here and gorge my face with the chips and salsa, because the front door is in direct line of where I am sitting. And why do I fucking care?

After this I may make chocolate chip cookies. That sounds like great comfort food. Cause you know, why not throw a few more pounds on to the ten that I already gained back during this cycle.

Waiting for the phone call

Here I am, waiting with a very large knot in my stomach, for the phone call that will officially end our first IVF cycle. Even though I KNOW it will be negative because I truly can't believe that the HPT could be wrong, part of me apparently still hopes.

I cried so much yesterday I'm not sure I really need to cry today when I get the news. But, I imagine I will. I'm still going to blame it on all the progesterone surging through my body, but I imagine I'd cry anyway. Although, I have to admit, there have been times in my life when I should have cried, that I just couldn't. And of course, many many times when I shouldn't have cried, that I did. And most of those in public.

And have I mentioned I don't cry pretty? My face gets all red and blotchy and puffy, really puffy. And then I can't see out of my contacts because they start to feel all cloudy and goopy. And then I'm exhausted and all I want to do is sleep. Of course sleeping is the best way to escape from it.

When the call comes, and after the "I'm so sorry, it was negative" bit, I'm going to take a Xanax, maybe even two. Then I think I might crawl in to bed with Old Faithful, because I deserve a good buzz, and since I've been so damn horny from the progesterone but couldn't do anything about it, it's about time I get off.

And then maybe a couple margaritas this weekend are in order.

So how long does it take for the hormones to get back to normal? When will the crazies go away? And do I really have to wait a full cycle before I can start again? That means I can't start Lupron for at least another 7 weeks. Which means our next cycle would be September/October I think. Right smack in the middle of our annual vacation to visit my family.

So now I'm going through the it's not fair crap. I guess part of me really did think that I had gone through enough with all the fertility treatments we did a few years ago. Then the years in between believing it might work on it's own. I wonder just how many periods I've had that I've cursed over. Adding the adoption of TB, and the stress of it all as we discovered his special needs and faught for help for him. Then this cycle all the ups and downs with AD's sperm/no sperm issue. I thought maybe we had been through enough, and that the cosmos would agree and finally grant it to us.

I'll have to add everything up, but I think we have spent about 15K for this cycle with all the extra stuff we had to do (multiple SA's, the ICSI, assisted hatching, banking the sperm we did get, having donor sperm on back up, my choice to do acupuncture). And of course all the regular costs involved.

We took out a home equity loan with the thought it would pay for 3 cycles (assuming one would be a frozen), and give us enough to pay off a bit of debt we had. Well, this cycle cost a little more than I thought, and our air conditioner broke the end of may, so we had to spend 9K replacing the heat and cooling system in our house. We had hoped to have enough left that when I got pregnant we could replace the rust bucket that I drive, and get a safe, family car, like a minivan. This isn't going to happen though. Because I looked at our account, and what we have left is only going to cover another cycle, with maybe a little left over. Maybe enough to do a third cycle if we had embryos left that made it to cryo. Which afer this cycle seems unlikely.

I'm rambling now, I realize that. Blah, blah, blah.

Yet, here I am, still waiting for the call, still hoping. Am I fucking insane?

A moment of insanity

In a moment of insanity today I did an HPT. It was negative. I cried all the way to take my son to school and then to work. I’m handling this much worse than I ever thought possible. What the hell is wrong with my body that I can’t get pregnant!

Never patient at the best of times...

Have I mentioned before that I thought I would handle this two week wait much better than I am? And have I really mentioned that I hate progesterone?

AD is out of town this week doing some consulting at an oncology hospital in California. Man do I miss him, and not only because I have to solicit others to give me my damn shot in the ass every day. TB misses him too! Cause I think he's noticing mommy is a little crazy lately. Poor kid!

I asked TB last night if he remembered where Daddy was. He looked very serious and I could tell he was thinking, then he said "Calimari." Which I actually thought was damn clever considering he got the "cali" right! I reminded him it was California, and he looked all serious again and said, "oh yes, California, a state of America." It's good I was already laying down, because you could have blown me over ala Captain Feathersword.

Today, after I lost my temper with him for about the 100th time, he looked at me and asked when Daddy was coming home. Yeah, I miss him too.

Today I had to go to my GP's office and pay my office visit copay so the nurse could take 30 minutes out of her schedule to stick a needle in my ass. Silly me for thinking they might offer me a little professional courtesy...and offer to stick it in my ass for free!

So, yeah, I continue to be a bit hormonal if you can't tell. And I'm feeling some faint cramping really low in my abdomen. Good sign? Bad sign? Or just impending diarrhea?

Daily update

Today I feel pretty good. No dizziness, no nausea, no cramps. Maybe a little constipated…but that’s to be expected. So, is that a good thing? Or a very, very bad, not pregnant, kinda thing?

TB was in a good mood this morning. Perhaps my middle of the night visit to his room where I cried over how mean I’ve been feeling penetrated his dreams. Who knows…

Blood and ultrasound tomorrow morning. Do you think it can tell me anything?

This waiting is harder than I thought it would be. And of course, I just found out (although I’ve suspected for several weeks) that one of my coworkers is pregnant. I’m happy for her, I really am! But fuck, how come I can tell when everyone else is pregnant, but not myself? Or, does that just mean I’m not pregnant?

Chub club tonight. Yippee…not. I hate that place. My “coaches” as in skinny minny meanie ladies, are not exactly motivating, just bitchy. They don’t like me. I know it. I hate not being liked. If I find out I’m pregnant next week they can just kiss my flat ass, cause I’m out of there. No preggies on their plan! Please let me be pregnant so I don’t have to see the mean ladies every week any more!

Wishful thinking?

I almost passed out in the shower this morning and then thought I was going to throw up. The Boy came in to the bathroom and I asked him to go get Daddy and tell him I was sick. I must have scared him because he actually did it! So really, is it just wishful thinking? Or is this a sign of something? Can you really have symptoms less than a week in to pregnancy? Last night I was in bed thinking that I didn't feel any different and was pretty convinced I wasn't pregnant. This wait is going to be much harder than I thought!

I still feel pretty punky, but feel better lying down. I finally figured out how to position the laptop so I can type while I'm lying down. Too bad I didn't figure that out a couple days ago when I actually felt ok but was still on bedrest.

I have work I need to do. I made rather a big deal about bringing work home to do this weekend and getting the laptop set up, etc., but have yet to actually do it. After this update I will.

TB and AD are outside in the kiddy pool on our deck. It is so hot! I was going to go out with them today but I just can't do it yet.

AD is definitely tired of me being "sick." I think he thought three days of bedrest was overkill. And I'm sure he just didn't understand why I couldn't get up and do things between naps. Nothing got done in the house for three days except playing with TB (which granted is important and often a full time job) and meals. I guess I wouldn't complain, if I didn't feel like he was complaining. A couple times he asked me if I wanted anything, and when I said I did, I got "the look" and the big huffy sigh. So apparently his job is supposed to be fulfilled by asking me, I'm not actually supposed to take him up on it.

The Injectable Crazies

I've been pretty proud of myself over the last month. I was nervous when I started Lupron and what was to come with the stims. I remember four years ago when we did several cycles of IUI with injectables. I was a basket case through most of them. It didn't help that the first cycle we did we used Repronex and I had a horrible pyrogenic (the fever definition, not the rock definition) reaction. For over a week I had a fever of 104F (that's not 100.4, but 104.0, I tend to run hot). No other symptoms, as in no nasal or chest congestion, no rashes (other than the huge welts caused by the shots themselves), only the fever and the massive headache and frequent rigors (makes me sound oh so medical huh? just means I shook from the chills). The fertility clinic refused for a week to believe it was anything other than a virus and kept insisting I go see my primary physician. I figured it would run it's course in 2 or 3 days and I'd be fine. But it didn't, by day 7 I was insisting that it was from the Repronex. Finally, to shut me up, the doctor changed my medication, and low and behold, within 24 hours of stopping the Repronex I was fever free. By then I was able to concentrate at the computer and found some articles supporting the fact that some people do in fact react to Repronex, something to do with the urine it is derived from.

The even suckier part of this was that my ovaries, they did like themselves that Repronex, cause they filled up with follicles. (I often wonder if the fever in my body didn't help a little too, kind of like a little chick incubator.) So many that I had to sign a waver before they would do the IUI, and I know that they shot me early. At the time I didn't, but since I kept records of what was going on, I could see that in future cycles they let my follicles get much bigger. So here I had a drug that worked like crazy on me, with relatively small amounts, but unless I wanted to be on what felt like "death bed" sick, I couldn't take it.

So, that was my start to the injectable world. Of course that cycle didn't work, and neither did the subsequent five cycles. But man oh man did the hormones make me crazy during that time. I became a chat room whore, I cried on a dime, I wanted sex, I didn't want sex. I couldn't stand MYSELF, I don't know how my husband managed to live with me.

Well, this time, I'm proud of myself. Like I said I was nervous getting started. I had heard horror stories about Lupron. But honestly, other than a headache the first week I started stims (likely because of my low estrogen level) I did great. I felt great. No hormone swings, no tears, no super bitchiness.

So yes, I'm proud of myself. I think I'm more mature. I also think that over all I'm just in a better place in my life.

Not to say the crazies can't still hit...

Overdue update on fertility

I've been very remiss with my entries lately, as all of you wonderful readers have I'm sure noticed. Ok, slight bit of sarcasm there, as I don't have any regular readers other than my husband, but maybe some day.

So, today we did IVF. Well, the culmination of it, as we transferred four embryos. It was a very good cycle, I felt great with all the meds, and other than some ongoing cramping from the retrieval I feel good. Amazing Daddy was able to step up to the plate and give a good sample of swimmers both the night before retrieval and the morning of. We did have donor sperm on backup, but it will remain frozen. Maybe I can sell it on eBay!

So now starts the two week wait. It could be a long one. I'm on bed/couch rest for a couple days but it seems kind of silly because I fell good. But, on the off chance it will help I'll stay here. Plus, how often do you get to lounge in bed for three days when you aren't sick!

I hope to update my blog over the next couple days. I have lots of great, entertaining, witty entries in my brain, I just never seem to get them out my fingers and onto the screen. Lots of TB stories to share, as well as updated information on his bio family in Russia.

Updates on fertility

We are still attempting to move forward with the IVF. I haven't posted much on it because the last big post I did seems to have disappeared. I figured maybe it was telling me something, because it was a long ramble of how unfair everything was. I realize now the cyber world just doesn't need to be polluted with all that negativity.

We talk to the urologist tomorrow about how to move forward. Whether we will do TESE or move on from there. I'd like to get going this cycle, but I think we may have to wait one more. I'm trying to be patient. In the past when I've pushed things too fast I've lived to regret it.

Dr. Dick and the wayward Sperm -or - The things we do for our wives

So after much begging and cajoling, and use of Amazing Daddy's sexy phone voice, we managed to get in to see Dr. Dick (a.k.a. the fertility urologist) several weeks before our scheduled appointment.

Oh such fun, to sit across his desk and have him tell us nothing...NOTHING...NADA...ZILCH. "Hmmmm....nope, never really seen this happen before. I see you had sperm four years ago....yup...hmmm....blah...blah...blah."

Not one to just let it go...and believe me...I didn't. I pushed the issue a bit. Oh yes...I asked (insert appropriate scary music introduction) Dr. Dick questions...many questions. Questions that resulted in him pulling out a plastic prostate. And much pointing at things.

Ahhhh...Hmmmm...Yes, I understand. So, you can't really say for sure there is a blockage, in fact you don't think so. Hmm...Why Dr. Dick...How can you tell anything if you haven't even looked at my dear husband's penis yourself!!

And if he doesn't have sperm today, what makes you think he'll have some a month from now. And why won't you shove a needle in there and see if you can find any? Unnecessary procedure you say...hmmmm...

Ohhhh....So you'd rather wait for me to take a months worth of hormones, forcing my body first in to menopause, then in to ovarian hyperstimulation, then, and only then, when I have two ovaries bursting out of my abdomen with eggs (going to be optimistic on this one) would you consider trying to extract sperm from my husbands testicles. Really, because money and my health and SANITY comes second to poking the family jewels. Cause what the hell, why not take that big risk and put it all on the line with a chance that there will be no sperm to fertilize all my little eggs.

What? What's that Dr. Dick? Now you say maybe we should have a donor as backup?

Through most of this Amazing Daddy sits quietly back and listens. Perhaps enjoying watching Dr. Dick squirm, or perhaps, just too fucking embarrassed at his wife talking about his penis and prostate and urine flow, etc. etc. etc..

Finally, and I would bet a box of Thin Mints on this, just to shut me up, Dr. Dick said he would scope Amazing Daddys penis to see if there was a blockage in his urethra. So then AD pipes up and says "you owe me one." Oh yeah dear heart, maybe by the 47th time someone has stuck something up your weewee we might be about even, cause shit, the number of times I've had things shoved up my whoha, pieces pulled out, parts left in, etc. Not to mention the number of injections I've given myself and the ones he's poked me in the ass with.

So AD gets poked up both ends and what does Dr. Dick say? "The things we do for our wives."

Apparently AD went home feeling a little squishy that day. Good thing I keep his underwear nice and clean and folded in his drawer for him for these emergency squishy days.

Still MIA

What a stellar day Wednesday was.

First, the ovulation test was positive, so the countdown was officially going to start. Amazing Daddy had the Lupron at work and I notified the doctor.

Then Amazing Daddy dropped another sample off at the clinic to be tested. And yet again, those damn spermies are missing in action. And he acts surprised that we haven't been able to get pregnant???

Next step call the urologist to arrange for them to stick a needle in his balls to see if he has sperm but it's blocked. And if he does they'll just take it out and freeze it for our cycle. Well GDMF but they can't get us in until April 26. Don't they know they have a desperate profoundly infertile woman here! And I can only stay well preserved for so long!

I finally got a message through to Dr. Dick (the urologist) about what was going on so he wants SH to have yet another analysis (like they will just magically reappear???). Apparently they don't consider this a life threatening condition. Perhaps some old guy will kick it and we'll get his appointment. We can only hope.

A funny thing happened on the way to the clinic...

Well, it seems that darling AD's sperm has gone AWOL. Yup...all those sweet little swimmers seem to have disappeared in the last three years. Could it be we have had so much sex in the last couple years that we have exhausted his supply? I posed that question to him and the look I received back was pure disgust. Hmmm...could it be I'm not putting out enough?

Perhaps I mentioned before that we have always had some concern with his juiciness. I always speculated AD was just plumbed wrong. The man could produce more fluid from his mouth and nose than anyone I know. Talk about drowning in kisses. However, giving this man a blow job is a joy (Well, comparatively speaking. And if I actually did things like that.) because 1ml is a lot less likely to surprise and choke you, than 1 teaspoonful.

Apparently though, the pond is getting smaller and it's run out of fish.

Hopefully we will know more this week because he is going to have a formal semen analysis (SA). We just did a quick and dirty look at a drop under the microscope this week because I didn't want to start drugs until I knew he had some badboys available to inject into my super powered eggs at the end of all these hormones. Thank god I did, because if we hadn't we could have ended up four weeks from now sucking out a bunch of adorable little eggs from my super sized ovaries and had no sperm to inject in to them. Fuck! Wouldn't that have been a nice way to blow 10 grand. At that point I would have been begging the janitor for a donation. And not from his paycheck either!

Hopefully the test this week will be fine and last week's was just an anomaly. If not we have to go see the urologist and try to figure out whats going on. Best case its a blockage of some kind and they'll just have to go into his testicle with a syringe and pull some sperm out the morning of the retrieval (TESE). Worst case we have to figure out if he's man enough to use a sperm donor.

Updates....

We have our IVF consultations next week. Amazing Daddy is on board, but not talking much about it. He's moving forward with the home equity loan though, so I think he's committed. My Clomid challenge test results were good. Per Dr. C. I have the eggs of a 25 year old. My list of questions for him is growing by the day.

I'm in a hellish mood today and really just want to cry. I couldn't be in a better mood for the team building meeting we are having today on communication. All I can say is watch out, because I'm not putting up with any crap today.

The Boy's latest..."I have penis mommy...boys have penis...daddy have penis..you no have penis...Daddy have BIGGGG penis....I have little penis."

Score one for daddy!

Behold the Purple Psycho Monster from Hell

Today I took two little pills that are pretty much guaranteed to turn me in to the psycho bitch from hell for the next week. And for the next four days I get to take two more each morning! I'm not quite sure how to tell Amazing Daddy that he might want to just hightail it out of town for the week.

Yes, I started the Clomid Challenge Test! I tried Clomid four years ago (this month actually) when we did our first IUI (at half the dose that I'm on now, BTW). To make a long story short...I quit my job on day 5. Now, in many ways it was a blessing. I'm not sure I would have done it if I hadn't been taken over by the Purple Psycho Monster from Hell. It's all somewhat of a haze to me, but I have a vague recollection of coming home and sitting Amazing Daddy down, and then telling him I had worked it all out my drive home and that I was quitting my job. And maybe in a few months I'd get a part time job. After picking his mouth up off the floor, and prying his eye lids back over his eye balls, he pretty much didn't say anything. But, he's an amazing man, and he knew I had reached my limit, and we worked it out. In the end I was only unemployed for a mere 10 days, when I interviewed and was hired at my current job.

So, as I feel that purple monster taking hold again, I promise myself that I will not make any rash decisions this week! I will keep my head down, and attempt to keep my mouth shut. I can do this. I can get through this!

Just don't piss me off...and what ever you do, don't mess with me!

Profoundly Infertile, yet Well Preserved

I had my consultation with the IF group last week. I actually handled myself quite well I think. At least I didn't cry like a big ol' goober.

It's amazing how the old feelings start crawling back in. I haven't been there in 3 1/2 years, yet parking and walking to the office felt like I just did it last week. I was welcomed back, which was quite nice, although I can't imagine they remembered me. And no one other than Dr. C. looked familiar to me.

In a nutshell Dr. C. said that since we hadn't gotten pregnant in over 5 years he considered me "profoundly infertile." What bothers me is it was ME he was calling profoundly infertile, not we, as in me and dear hubby. Hello...remember the "lots of fish in a very tiny pond" issue? It's not that I want to play the blame game, well, maybe just a little. But...how come I get to be the failure here?

Anyway....So I'm profoundly infertile, yet, all is not lost. Dr. C. said I was also "well preserved." Hello! That's something I would say to my grandma when she turned 80. However, in the case of my eggs, I guess that isn't so bad to hear. His recommendation, lets confirm the quality of my eggs with a Clomid Challenge Test (CCT) and if there are no unpleasant surprises he thinks IVF with ICSI will be our magic bullet. His success rate with women in my age range (37) with unexplained fertility is 50%. And that's per cycle! Shit...The chances of my husband getting lucky tonight are far less than that!

All in all, I feel good about things! I really feel like this will work for me! I'm going to have a baby!

The desire to procreate

I want another baby. It is s pretty much at the top of my list of obsessions right now. No matter how many times I remind myself how exhausted I am all the time with just one non-stop whirling dervish of an almost three-year old, I can not stop the phantom feelings of holding another baby in my arms.

And this time, I want to carry the child in my own tummy. I do not want to have to travel half way around the world twice, and spend $40k in the process. I do not want to miss out on the first six months (likely more these days) of his or her life. I do not want to always wonder what did happen during that time and just how much did it screw them up?

I love my little Boy There is no way I could love him more. I wouldn't change things if I could! Even knowing now the issues he is facing, I still wouldn't do anything differently involved in bringing him home to us. Well, I might change the flight to Moscow that smelled like feet, but really, it is quite a story to able to tell.

I'm considering doing IF treatment again. Three and a half years ago we stopped treatments after six IUI'ss. We decided that we wanted a baby more than I wanted/needed to actually carry it inside me. We weren't willing to risk the tens of thousands of dollars to do IVF without a guarantee of having a baby in the end. I know we made the right decision, then...

Now though, I want to carry a baby inside me, I want to give birth to it, and I want to be able to nurture it from day one. I need to do this. I know I will never feel totally complete until I can do this. Maybe this is selfish, but I don't care. I am being honest.

Certainly some of this desire to try again is because I think it might actually be possible. I've recently lost almost 40 pounds and I know my health has improved. We don't really know why I wasn't able to get pregnant before with assistance (I say with assistance because my husband was the one that needed help, in a nut shell, he just isn't as juicy as he could be, lots of swimmers in a very small pond if you will), so I always speculated that my being over weight was a factor, even though no doctor would actually come out and say it.

I called today to make an appointment at the fertility clinic and found out from them that our insurance no longer covers any treatments. They cover basic testing, that's it. Our prior insurance covered that as well as any lab work or ultrasounds needed during treatment, plus all doctor visits. We had to pay for the actual inseminations and all medications. IVF was still expensive, but some parts of it were covered.

It turns out that our plan with Aetna will do nothing to assist us in getting pregnant. And if we do get pregnant from ART Aetna will not cover any monitoring during the first trimester, which IF clinics seem to insist on.

I want to throw up right now I'm so discouraged. I knew that doing this would be expensive, but I guess I didn't understand just how much. My dream to have another child may be lost because of money. It's not like we don't have enough money to raise a child, we just don't have enough to create one it seems.

I'll go to the appointment on Thursday, at least the initial consultation is covered. I can't promise I wont cry though and act like a big ol' goober while I'm there.