When I "found" Bejewell at The Bean I was immediately smittin. In fact, I think it was girl crush at first read. The woman makes me laugh. And she swears like a sailor, which I totally respect. It's probably a good thing she's on the other side of the country, or I'd be embarrassing myself knocking on her front door...all "would you be my friend, please!" with my really annoying whiny voice.
So when you're done here, check her out at her blog. http://themusicalfruit.net/. Just promise you will still come back and read mine, m'kay?
Mommy Needs Therapy Guest Post
A few weeks ago, Kristine asked me if I would guest post for her here at Mommy Needs Therapy, and I was all, “Hey! Sure! You bet! No problem!” but then promptly forgot all about it. Luckily, I knew when I took the job that I’d probably forget, and I told Kristine to remind me, which she did this Monday, at which point I slammed my fist against my head and yelled “Fuck me!”
(Yeah, it’s gonna be THAT kind of post.)
Now, let’s remember for a moment that this is only my second guest post – well, really my third, if you count the one I’ve already done for McMommy that won’t actually be published until late next week, in which I make a stunning accusation and present my supporting evidence. (You’ll see.)
But my point is, I’m fairly new to this whole guest posting thing, and while I talk a big game, the truth is I really have no idea what the fuck I’m doing.
For example, in my very first guest post a few weeks ago over at Auds’ place, I confessed that I was on some non-specified medication and then somehow ended up comparing myself to a confused date rapist with confidence issues.
No, really. I totally did that.
So, when I realized I was running out of time to finish this guest post, and hadn’t even started, I got freakishly stressed out, asking myself questions like What will I write about? Who do I think I am? How badly am I going to fuck this up? Will Kristine ever speak to me again? And in the meantime, I wrote nothing.
But then last night I took a deep breath and a hot bath (which always makes everything better), and decided to say Fuck It. I’m just gonna write some bat-shit crazy post that will have everyone going “What the hell was THAT?” and yeah, maybe it’ll kill Kristine’s blog, but it’s her own fault for asking me to guest post in the first place.
So here you go. Enjoy. Or don’t. What do I care? I’m SO over it.
10 Reasons Why I Wish I Was a Zombie
1. Zombies do not have a “To Do” list. Their only “To Do” is to find and eat brains. And that responsibility does not usually require overtime OR a long commute.
2. Zombies do not have to worry about staying in shape or losing weight. They can eat as much brain matter as they want without having to worry if the brains will go to their hips.
3. Zombies do not have house payments. If they find a house they like, they just eat the brains of the people who live there and, Voila! Automatic equity!
4. Zombies do not get annoyed by weird co-workers who say stupid shit like “Allrighty then” about 20 times a day. They just eat the annoying co-workers’ brains and enjoy the resulting silence.
5. Zombies do not have to eat microwaveable Healthy Choice dinners for lunch. They eat brains. (Which actually probably taste better.)
6. Zombies don’t have to worry about being popular or well-liked. They can always make their own friends.
7. Zombies do not have to worry about hair and make-up. They just embrace their grayish zombie complexion and the “messy” look.
8. Zombies do not have nightmares. I mean really, what would a zombie’s worst nightmare be? Puppy dogs and rainbows? I’m guessing they get a pretty good night’s sleep.
9. Zombies do not feel guilty when they forget the eco-friendly canvas bags or the coupons they’ve clipped when they go to the grocery store. In fact, they probably don’t even GO to the grocery store. What could a zombie possibly need at the grocery store? Duh.
10. Zombies never have to call Customer Support for ANYTHING. ‘Nuff said.
OMG this was PFA!ReplyDelete
I'm totally forwarding this post to everyone I know, because the list is just too damn funny, and GOOD, not too!
Another awesome guest post Beej!
Okay, I see your point(s) here, but come on -- Zombies don't get asked to guest blog, either. Can you imagine if they did...?ReplyDelete
"Mmmmmmm. Brains. Gooooooood."
Also, probably really good for your juicy little Bean that you're not a zombie. And yea for your readers, too, cuz we love you, but Zombie you probably wouldn't get much traffic, no matter how many times you called the brains f*cking awesome :)
Scooby Doo on Zombie Island.
If I have to watch it one more time I'M going to eat my OWN brain.
Awesome post, as usual Beje.
If you like Zombies, you will probably like The Takeover (www.zombinc.net), which is a podcast novel about a company of zombies that takeover web start-ups.ReplyDelete
My favorite part is how marketing people can't be promoted (have to be a zombie to get promoted), because they don't have brains to eat.
I work in marketing.
I am a guest poster this week also and I think you set the bar entirely too high. I wonder if its too late to back out (lol).ReplyDelete
I heard that it was Zombies that came up with the first high protein diet with all them brains and then the marketing zombie took over and said give it a cool name and lots of colourful things....ReplyDelete
Zombies really freak me out. You can't reason with them, or even distract them, like you might be able to do if attacked by a bear. They just can't be stopped! I can't watch zombie movies AT ALL, or read about them, without getting nightmares. So thanks a lot! Even though your post blew about every other guest post I've ever read to smithereens.ReplyDelete
I'm willing to bet you are the first person ever to guest post about Zombies.ReplyDelete
And it was totally PFA.
Can we still use twitter if we're zombies?? If the answer is yes, count me in!ReplyDelete
Great post, prepared or not, it was awesome.
OH. MY. GOD.ReplyDelete
THAT is why I Puffy Heart You. With sprinkles.
Seriously, this is a fabulous list. I love it. Almost makes me want to be a zombie. Though I think I have McPerfect Alien envy even more...ReplyDelete
So next year, when I meet you @ BlogHer [oh yes, you will be there] I will remind myself to not say Alrighty Then.ReplyDelete
Hilarious! I adore zombies. I really do. Especially the senior citizen zombies. They look cuddly.ReplyDelete
Will you just come over and write my blog for me, like, all the time?
That's a great list. Zombies makes me laugh because any writing about them makes me think of this local band, Zombie Bazooka Patrol, that do nothing but sing about Zombies and hug you midway through their show. It's very strange.:)ReplyDelete
Alllllllrighty then. . .ReplyDelete
So let me get this straight. I was just convinced that I want to be a zombie?ReplyDelete
Wow. Super GENIUS.
SHIT! I'm also a guest blogger here this week and you TOTALLY stole my idea. I had a list of reasons why I wish I were a zombie too. Except your list was so much better so now I'm freaking out about the post I sent to replace it.ReplyDelete
Oh, and the number one reason why I would like to be a zombie: They don't sleep. They're wandering around all night and eating whatever they want and not having to worry about getting fat. Oh, that was more than one reason.
Ok, I've read this list like at least ten times and I'm still laughing!ReplyDelete
Would you please come and write every week on my blog? Because I seriously had the best traffic ever the day this was posted.
And as far as zombies go, they totally scare the shit out of me! I watched Night of the Living Dead when I was about nine, and I had nightmares for YEARS! Yes, YEARS!
Thankfully now I can laugh at them!
You are the best Beje.