How you can help my Trauma Mommas!!

I think I've made it pretty clear on here how important my "trauma mommas" are to me. And how important the Early Trauma & Attachment Annual Meeting (ETAAM) in March is for all of us.

For most of us it takes quite a bit of juggling to arrange for the time to be there. Many of our moms are single and have to arrange respite or other child care for their kids. (I'm lucky that Rich realizes this is important and is very supportive of my time away.)

On top of arranging all the logistics, many of the women struggle to pay for the weekend. Because of this, Corey, the founder of  ETAAM, offers scholarships for as many women as she can. The main funding for the scholarships comes from a Christmas in August Benefit Auction she has organized for the last two years.

An annual respite retreat created BY moms of kids with attachment issues FOR moms of kids with attachment issues, to create a support network for women parenting this challenging population.

The auction is going on right now and ends this Wednesday, August 22, 2012 at 9:00 PM EDT. Right now there are well over 200 items up for bid. Items range from DVD'S and books, jewelry, electronics, to home made yummies and hand made crafts.

Here are a couple of my favorites! (click on the pics to go directly to the item in the auction)

 Description:
Yes, it's back, and better than ever! Kathy's famous shortbread will cure whatever ails you. It is SO good that I made Kathy promise me long ago that she would not give me the recipe.. because I cannot resist it.
This lot includes:
-2 shortbreads
-1 peanut butter fudge "crack" (also completely amazing)
-1 surprise treat
Upon request, the crack can be gluten-free, and the surprise treat can be vegan.



Description:
This adorable crossover bag is one of Sheri's creative creations! This bag is lined and has an inside pocket, and has a variety of adornments including a beaded bottom. The bag is approximately 18"x 12".

 Description:
This beautiful 48x48" quilt was made by Corey's mom. The 100% cotton fabrics are a rich red, green, and red/green floral, with a mostly red backing and floral binding. It is machine quilted with red thread in a leaf pattern (which is easily mistaken for hearts). The filling is an 80% cotton/20% polyester blend. It would be a perfect lap quilt, or gift for any child.

 Description:
 Kellie D, ETAAM's cupcake extraordinaire, is putting her amazing baking skills to work for you! Win this item, and you will receive 1/2 dozen of Kellie's Rainbow Cupcakes baked in their own see-through jars. They are heavenly to eat and beautiful to display. All I can say is, "YUM!"





And even I donated something! If you were at all impressed with the crochet skills that I showed off here and here you now have the opportunity to bid on a handmade blanket of your own!

Choose from this,

Description:

 

Kristine N will crochet a beautifully crafted blanket or scarf of your choosing from the patterns pictured. Winner can personally choose the pattern and color of their preference.

this

I'll work with you to pick the perfect color(s). I only use 100% cotton yarn (machine washable) for the baby blankets. The scarf is made with hand spun and dyed wool that I order from a small shop in England.

 Right now the bids aren't even covering the cost of the yarn. So if you want to stroke my ego a bit, go and bid on a blanket or scarf!

or this!

 Or bid on any of the other 200 plus items that are posted.

All money goes directly to the scholarship fund and will help send very deserving moms to our Orlando retreat for much needed respite and (re)connecting with other moms that get it.

 

Another type of loss

I can't even begin to express how lucky I am to have my "Soul Sisters" behind me. The amount of support and love they have given me is immeasurable. I have no doubt that we would not be moving forward with Noah as we are if I had not met them.

One of the best sources of support for our group is that we have a private place to chat with each other. The only place many of us can really let it all out and say the hard stuff, that "normal" people would not understand.

Everyone there is struggling with their kids. Kids that are dealing with developmental delays and mental illness. So many different diagnoses: RAD, ADHD, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, PTSD, FASD, ASD, PDD, etc. etc. All of the children hurt by trauma of some type.

We are families that are struggling to keep it together. That are fighting to stay safe. That are fighting to find services for our children. That are fighting to keep even the smallest bit of hope alive.

Many of the women I have met have lost relationships during their journey. Relationships with friends, coworkers, neighbors, parents, brothers and sisters, spouses.

It's painful, and isolating. And reinforces already complex feelings of failure because we haven't been able to "fix" our children.

And in some ways we kind of understand why these relationships have broken. Certainly if we don't understand our own children, how can we expect others too? So many of us have struggled for years trying to find the correct diagnoses, trying to find the right help. Reading book after book. Scouring the Internet for resources. Trying over and over again, and seeing little if anything help change our children's behaviors.

So we think we have failed. Again. And when our friends or family pull back, that reinforces the feelings of failure.

We know that "typical" parenting techniques don't work with our children. Believe me, I think we have all tried them. Of course we have tried them. Because that's what we hear from other parents, and even from professionals.

We joke together about how many times "sticker charts" or "picture schedules" have been suggested. How many times we have been told to use "natural consequences" and "time outs." Or the old school thoughts on spanking.

How often have we heard that "you let your child get away it." "If you were firmer with her she wouldn't do that." "You need to let him know who is the boss." "You let him run the show."

How often is it implied that we are the reason our children are "fucked up."

How often do we feel judged, and wonder if maybe "they" are right. 

At a minimum our kids behaviors are annoying and frustrating, at their worst they are frightening. 

So how can we blame others if they stay away. If they don't want to have our children around them?

Truth be told, I can't blame them. Yet, it doesn't mean we don't need our family and friends. It doesn't mean that it isn't very painful when those relationships are lost, whether the bonds are cut by them or by us.

It's not our children's fault that they are damaged. It's not our fault as their parents either.

It's ironic actually, that so many of us are trying to teach our kids what love is, and what family is, and how to trust others, yet we are lacking that in our own relationships with our own families.

Layers of Loss

One of my  SOUL sisters, Integrity Singer, wrote an amazing post about layers of loss on her blog Peace in Puzzles. 


If you want to understand me better, read it. If you are considering adoption or fostering, read it. If you parent children of trauma yourself, read it.

Thank you Integrity Singer for letting me share this!

Perspective

One of the things I got out of last weekend was some much needed perspective.

While we go through some crazy shit with Noah, we could have it much worse. So much worse! I had to be careful actually, as I listened to everyone's story, that I didn't project their reality onto Noah's future. Believe me, some of the tears I cried last weekend were because of my fear for his future.

The truth is we just don't know what it is going to be like for Noah, or us with Noah, five years or ten years or twenty years from now. It doesn't stop me from worrying and fretting over it, but when it comes down to it I just don't know. I hope that everything we are doing for him now will make his future easier. Shit, pretty much everything we do is in some way trying to help him. But when you are dealing with a childhood mental illness, you just can't know. You hope, and if you are of the praying sort, you pray I guess.

Still, right now we don't have it as hard as many of the moms that I met last weekend. In the moment that doesn't necessarily make it any easier, but when I can take a step back later and look at what is going on with more perspective it helps. Sometimes anyway.

Some of the women are going through serious shit with their kids. I think I'm feeling a bit of survivors guilt right now. Kind of ironic in a way. It's not like Noah doesn't have one seriously difficult road in front of him. A road that we will try to help him navigate as much as we can.
 

So this is what it is like to belong!

Last weekend I attended the 2nd Annual Early Trauma and Attachment Annual Meeting. I spent three amazing days with 67 other "trauma mommas" who are now my "SOUL sisters."

It was one of those experiences that is impossible to describe for someone who either wasn't there, or doesn't have children like ours.

For the first time since Noah was a year or so old I felt like other momma's "got it." No one was judging, no one was trying to lesson the seriousness of what we go through.

I laughed longer and harder than I have in a very long time. And I cried more than I have in a while. (Well, a few weeks anyway.) I got a few shoulders wet.

I heard stories that broke my heart, and stories that inspired me. I learned more about therapeutic parenting and I added many techniques to my coping tool box.

Sixty-seven women that inspire me! Mommas that foster and/or adopt knowing they are bringing traumatized children into their families, and mommas like me that had no idea what they were getting themselves into. Mommas that have survived disruption and children that could not be healed,  and mommas that have been able to help their child heal. Mommas that have walked this journey for many years, and mommas that are just figuring out what they are dealing with.

For the first time in a very long time I feel like I am part of a community and that I am accepted without judgment. I don't think any of us want to be part of this community, but here we are.

I left Orlando Monday morning and felt validated. I arrived home rejuvenated and rededicated.

I am NOT alone!

Photo credit goes to Alison at Crawford Life and Times. Thanks Alison!