I love him but...

There really is no delicate way to say this, so I'm going to come right out with it.

My husband has big feet.

There, I said it.


And yes, the saying is true. 


The bigger the feet, the louder the snore. Or something like that.


But not only are his feet big and hairy, they are loud. Especially when they go up and down our stairs, which are bare wood.

Until last night around 11pm when I was getting ready for bed.

I know he was in our bed asleep when I went in our bathroom. I remember seeing him in bed before I closed the door so the light wouldn't bother him.

When I was done I went in the hall to turn out the hall light, then remembered I hadn't plugged my phone in to charge, so went back in the bedroom to get it.

There I am, in the dark hallway, at the top of the stairs headed towards the guest bedroom where I plug in my phone, when I sense something and turn towards the stairs.

And oh my fucking stars, there is this big half-nekkid man standing there not a foot away from me. And I screamed. And I swear I jumped so high my head hit the vaulted ceiling above me.


How the hell Rich managed to come up the stairs with those big ass feet of his and me not hear him still escapes me.

He's just lucky I didn't throw him down the stairs with one of my new karate moves! Because of course I instantly moved to guard stance and prepared to fend him off with one of my recently learned and fancy defense moves, like Chinese Junk or Five Swords.

Or, maybe I just stood there and screamed like a girl and then cussed him out for scaring the crap out of me.

Do I laugh? Do I cry? Or do I just let my head spin around a few more times?

I know I've said before on MNT that my husband is one of the most intelligent people I know, but not at all in a cocky way. (I lurve myself some intelligence btw, but not the cocky kind. Rich has a friend that's intelligent and successful and super cocky, which all lends itself to super obnoxious, and totally not a turn on to me.)

So anyway...back to the point. Rich is a damn smart man, but he's a man after all, and for all you married women reading this I probably don't need to say much more. But I will share this little story with you. Because I'm still trying to decide if I should laugh or cry.

Yesterday I went a little insane and scared Rich and Noah into helping me clean because we had crossed the line into disgusting in a few areas of the house. I do love how they jump to my bidding when my head starts to spin around and frothy drool is spraying from my mouth as I scream.

The last thing I asked Rich to do was clean the toilets so the baby sitter wasn't afraid to actually use them while she was there that evening.

As an aside - because I feel its important you all know every little part of my life...Lately we've been using those disposable toilet bowl cleaners, where you keep the handle but throw away the scrubbing part. I'm not a big fan of keeping things around that have touched other peoples shit, so I really like the disposable part of it.

OK, back to the story. Rich and I cross paths on the stairs as he heads to the powder room to clean that toilet as I head to our bathroom to take a shower. I'm out of the shower and he comes in the bathroom to clean that toilet. I'm talking to him as I'm combing out my hair and he's scrubbing away at the toilet bowl. When ALL.OF.A.SUDDEN he takes the scrubby part out of the toilet and starts wiping it around the top of the toilet tank. You know, the top, where we put the extra roll of toilet paper, and a book or magazine or two.

And my head may have spun around again a few times as I not so calmly said "what the fuck are you doing?"

And he looked at me, with complete innocence and cluelessness on his face and said "what?"

"Shit, you just cleaned our shit with that and now you are putting it all over. Seriously. What are you thinking?"

"Uhhhh....but.....uhhhhhh"

I tossed him the spray cleaner. He caught it and looked at me with a blank look on his face. Because clearly he still didn't know what he'd done wrong.*

I'm not sure 24 hours later he's figured out why I was so completely grossed out. And believe me, I'm not easily grossed out.

I probably over reacted didn't I...


*Or does he?!? Is he smarter even than I give him credit for? Is this his attempt at appearing inept so I don't ask him to clean again?

Lonely

I haven't posted much recently because I haven't been sure how to say what has been going on, especially in my head.

I've been so emotional the last few weeks. It seems like every other day I start crying and can't seem to stop. One day was so bad I couldn't even go to work.

I can't completely pinpoint what is going on, but I think a lot of it is I feel lonely lately. Of course, even I ask myself how I can feel lonely when I have a son and husband.

I'm certainly feeling the lack of female friendship these days, more than I have in years. I regret that I never made any close friendships when I moved here, other than Jen and Nancy, who both moved away. When I first moved here I didn't need anyone other than Amazing Daddy. I didn't want to be with anyone else. Then The Boy came along and my life was full, and busy.

Here and there I have felt the gap, but for the most part I was able to fill it with something else. Now though, probably because I feel this distance between AD and myself, it is more obvious that I don't have anyone else to lean on or talk to.

God, even writing this has me in tears. Man, these pregnancy hormones can just go fuck themselves.

All I know is I have all these amazing things going on in my body, and my sex drive is going crazy, and I feel like I have no one to share it with. Not that I would be sharing that with a girlfriend...but at least I could bitch about it with her.

I miss my husband. I miss good sex. I miss my sanity.

No longer wanted

Last night I asked (not so) Amazing Daddy to help me take off the nail polish on my toe nails. Frankly, it’s getting harder to get down that far and still be able to breath. Not to mention too much bending over like that has been known to trigger my gag reflex, resulting in nasty vomiting.

Well, you would have thought I had asked him to wipe my shit covered ass.

I mean, WTF? So my ankles are a little swollen, it’s not like my feet are nasty.

Well, he did it, but grudgingly. I swear he did everything he could to not actually have to touch anything.

Honestly, it really hurt my feelings. It’s been fairly clear the last couple weeks that he is just not attracted to me anymore. And here I am, actually having a libido for once! Apparently, now that I have to be on top, he feels crushed by me.

Way to make a girl feel good! It really hurt my feelings.

speaking of stink...

I woke up during the night thinking that I smelled something cooking, and it didn't smell right. Then I woke up enough to realize that Amazing Daddy had farted and I must have shifted the covers.

That was just wrong!

I'm married to a ten year old

Today is Amazing Daddy's first day back to work since his hernia surgery. Thank you LORD! Although it was nice having him home more, especially since he made dinner most nights, he was starting to drive me crazy! The Boy and I have our routines on my days off during the week and AD was in the way. I love him SO MUCH, but sometimes I feel like I have two kids, instead of one and a husband.

Case #1: Monday I called home to check in before I left work and AD told me he had really hurt his back, that he could barely move, and he wasn't sure he could drive to pick TB up. I asked him what he did, thinking perhaps he got motivated and decided to clean the garage. He tells me he doesn't know what he did, he was just sitting at the computer and when he got up he was in agony. I did feel a little bit sorry for him, although after watching him walk around hunched over because he said his balls were swollen from the surgery, it was starting to get a little old...seeing him look so old (yikes...major flashes of what is to come considering I married a man 11 years older than me).

I started thinking on my way home that I should be nicer to him, and take better care of him. But then I also started thinking that just "sitting at the computer" didn't really make sense to me considering the amount of agony he was in. Then it hit me...48 year old man, home alone for extended period of time, high-speed internet access, wife perhaps not as interested as she was pre-child...oh yeah, you got it. Guess those balls weren't as sore as he made them out to be...

Oh yeah, hard to feel sorry for that one.

Case 2: Oh yes, he did try, my mother keeps reminding me of that. Darling husband decided to clean out the closet/room that we keep the litter boxes in. It's probably been a year since he's taken everything out and scrubbed the floor, so it was definitely in need. He asked me to do him a favor and move the boxes back in, since his back hurt. Sure, of course I'll do that, and thanks so much for cleaning it I say.

But then, I look in the closet, and see a good inch of WET litter, along the perimeter of the room. Very wet litter, urine soaked wet litter, that is seeping under the walls and finding it's way under my almost new laminate floor in the room next door. The floor that I spent two weeks putting down, smashed my thumb almost flat on, and learned new curse words over. Also, what I am most proud of on our basement remodel.

It's not like we don't have two vacuum cleaners less than ten steps away!!

I took a deep breath and then yelled for AD. All I could say when he walked in was "look at this...just look at this, what where you thinking??". His response? "ohhh...uhhhh...I guess I wasn't." I couldn't even talk to him for the rest of the night.

You see? All of a sudden he's ten years old and I'm his Mommy! That's just so wrong!!!