I'm nothing special. I'm just a mom.

I have had some big thoughts rumbling around in my brain lately. Blogworthy thoughts. Hopefully dialogue provoking thoughts.

I think tonight I'm going to start with the least provoking one. It is about compliments and acknowledgement.

I often hear or see written very supportive comments about the challenge it is raising Noah. Things like "you are amazing, I could never do that ," or "I don't know how you do it."

I appreciate the support and acknowledgement. I'm no martyr; I have no interest in "suffering" in silence. I wouldn't be blogging if I didn't gain something from the support my readers give me. I wouldn't share our personal stories at work or with people I meet, if I was trying to hide our life.

So yes, know those words mean a lot to me. Being acknowledged for doing our best to get through a really tough time helps. It really does! So please don't stop!

But, and I know you were all waiting for it.

But, I don't believe for one minute when you say you could never do what I do that it is true.

Nope, that's bullshit. Because if it was you, and your child, you would do everything to help them. You would just do it. Not because you are special, but because that is what a parent does.

When my child is hurt I do everything possible to heal them. And I know you would too!

I'm nothing special. I'm just a woman that fell in love with a man and dreamed of the family we would have some day. Creating that family didn't exactly follow traditional paths, and it resulted in trials we never expected. We never expected to use our life savings on one child, and still be paying off the second one (only 11 more years).

We never expected to be consulting with specialists, seeing psychiatrists and therapists, and having our son ride the special ed bus to school.

But here we are, and we move forward day by day, good day or bad day.

I'm nothing special. Some days I fake it. Some days I think maybe I didn't suck to bad at this parenting gig. And some days I think I failed miserably. But, I get up and start again the next day.

I'm nothing special. I cry, some days a lot. I get mad. I think "poor me, why do I have to live this." I get frustrated: with the system, with the school, with the child. And then I stop and breathe, and I remember him telling me that I was the best mom ever yesterday, and I feel a little better.

I'm nothing special. I'm just a mom putting one foot in front of the other to try and give my children the best life possible.

I'm nothing special. I'm just a mom.

And If it is you, and oh I hope it is never you, you won't be special either. You'll just be a mom. But that in itself tells me you'll do it. You will do what you thought you never could. You will do it even if you are hanging on by a thread. You will do it because that is what a mom does for her child.

What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

That phrase is a new addition to the wall of the karate studio Noah and I go to.

It was also the topic of our promotion lesson in karate tonight.

It's an interesting question.  And as I ponder it I can't help but think that there really isn't anything I'm not doing because I'm afraid of failing.

Maybe I'm on a bit of a high right now since I have accomplished two of my goals in the last couple weeks. I have some of my personal writing published (professionally I've been published a few times) and tonight I promoted to yellow belt.

The writing is something I've wanted to do for a long time. The karate is a new goal and in many ways a much bigger accomplishment for me.

For the first time in my life I am enjoying doing something physical besides sex.  Having a goal to work towards such as earning my next belt feels good! And I'm not afraid of failing. I know this is something I can do.  I will be a black belt by the time I'm 45.

There are things I'm afraid of failing in, but it doesn't stop me from doing them. Parenting Noah is pretty high up on that list. I do fear failing him, but I'm not going to stop trying. And most of the time I believe Rich and I will figure out what he needs and he'll be OK.

A year ago I was afraid of failing in my marriage, but we didn't give up on that either and we are doing so much better.

At work I push myself to take on new and more challenging projects. I like what I do and really have no interest in doing anything else right now.

The only thing that continues to niggle in my head when I ponder this question is having another child. If I knew I could get pregnant, have a healthy child, and Rich and I would have the energy and resources to parent that child I would do it in a heartbeat. I don't think its really the fear of failure that is stopping us from doing it though, it's more a lack of financial resources and Rich's age and lack of desire to have a third child that prevents us.

Maybe I'm not reaching deep enough inside me. Or maybe I've reached a level of contentment that I should accept and be happy about. Deep stuff, huh?

So what would you do if you knew you could not fail?