updates and promises

There are so many thoughts in my head right now about things to blog about. And, since I'm finally feeling better, I'm going to try to commit to posting here more often, at least two or three times a week.

So, yes, I'm feeling good these days. Thank god for antidepressants! I'm actually enjoying life again! I consider myself very lucky...and thankful. Thankful that Amazing Daddy dragged my ass to the doctor to get some help. I was only truly miserable for about six weeks. I know so many women who struggled for months. My only real issue now is that I still get some episodes of anxiety, but even they have decreased significantly. When they happen they tend to be late afternoon, and I think are somewhat triggered by the thought of AD and The Boy coming home. TB has been a bit of a trial in the evenings these days. I think mostly because his ADHD meds have worn off by then and he's tired from a full day at school. We handle it, but it's not always easy.

Baby Brother (or Tug as I call him) is thriving. At his two month check up last week he was 11 pounds, 10 ounces and 24 1/2 inches long. He grew two inches and gained two pounds last month. I was a bit concerned that I wasn't producing enough breast milk for him, as some times in the evening he wants to nurse constantly. A few times we gave him a couple ounces of formula, just to settle him down. I hate to do that, since it seems to constipate him, but I also hate to think of him being hungry. I started taking fenugreek and alfalfa, and drinking Mothers Milk Tea. Plus I'm drinking a lot more water. It seems to be making a difference. My breasts are huge, especially first thing in the morning! It's funny actually; I didn't get stretch marks when I was pregnant, but now I'm getting them in my breasts. And joy...my left breast is becoming significantly bigger than my right.

BB is such a joy! He smiles all the time and it is such a beautiful site! We finally took him in to get professional pictures taken last week. I can't wait to get them back. He still won't sleep by himself, but then again, I really haven't tried to get him to either. The only time he will sleep without being on or very close to me (like less than a couple inches) is if he's in his car seat. Right now I have him in our powder room with the fan going and it seems to be working. Who knows if it will still work tomorrow though. Mostly he's in my arms.

I've started back at work a couple weeks ago. Initially I was going to take on a couple smaller projects to help out, since they got slammed with work right after I had BB. Somehow though, I've taken on three very large projects instead. Right now I'm going in to the office a couple times a week for meetings, but doing the majority of my work at home. BB goes in with me and so far it is working out well. He's great during meetings and most of the time will nurse himself to sleep. No one seems too freaked out when I'm bf'ing him during a meeting. I feel a little bad for the only man we have in our group, but he seems to be handling it ok. I've definitely mastered the art of discreet breast feeding. There certainly is not a lack of people who want to hold him while we are there.

Some thoughts that I hope to write about soon:

my MIL and her comments on hemorrhoids and fooling around
that no one will ever have my eyes
what are we going to do with the left over embryos
more things I like/don't like regarding baby stuff
finding some of my old journals from college
the cradle my brother made for us
how TB is handling being a big brother
general updates on TB's ADHD and behavior, as well as kindergarten registration

So feel free to keep on my ass until I follow through!

The birth story

So, birth was HARD! Wonder why that surprised me so much. I had major back labor which I guess hurts more than no back labor? Not that I have anything to compare it to. Regardless, it really hurt. It went so quickly in the beginning that they kept telling me it was going to be over before an epidural would really help, or that the epidural would make pushing too hard to do.

I woke up that morning about 7am and thought I was feeling something, but then I thought the same thing the last three days, and then found it go away after I pooped. This time I kept feeling things, so I told Amazing Daddy to check in with me after taking The Boy to school. By 8am I knew I was having contractions so I called Amy (our doula) and let her know it was starting. My parents had arrived the night before so I spent the next hour working in the nursery with my mom. I was bending down to pick something up about 9am and felt a gush as my water broke. Up to that point I'd been having contractions about every five minutes that were 30 seconds or so long. After my water broke they got more intense and were about every 3 or 4 minutes. We called the doctor and they told us to head on in. From then on it was Game On!

The 30 minute ride to the hospital was hell! I went from wanting to do this without an epidural to wanting one as soon as we got there. AD thought I was going to tear the "oh shit" handle right off the car.

We got to the hospital about 10 am and my contractions were about 3 minutes apart by then. I thought for sure the baby was going to pop out any second. They checked me and I was only at 1.5 cm and I was like "you have to be fucking kidding me, does that mean I can't get the epidural yet?" To get the epidural they had to start an IV which took a while b/c they had to get the IV team. And then I started throwing up (nasty). So they checked me again and I was at 6 cm. They moved me from triage to L & D and within another hour I was at 9 cm. I think this was about 1pm or so. I was moving so fast that they figured I was going to have him within the next hour. Then I stalled out at 9cms for about two hours.

After the first hour that I stayed at 9 we decided the epidural would be useful, so they got the anesthesiologist up right away. Love the epidural! I still had a pocket of pain in my groin that never went away, and I could feel massive pressure, but it was much better than the constant contractions one on top of each other. About 3:30 the doctor said I was ready to push. So I pushed and I pushed and I pushed...etc. etc. Apparently I wasn't doing a very good job at moving him down the birth canal. I never actually crowned.

The baby started to show signs of distress and his heart rate wasn't bouncing back after the contractions so they decided to try a vacuum delivery. The vacuum popped off his head though, so then they went to the forceps. Which required an episiotomy. I was all, do what you have to do, just get him the fuck out of there!

AD told me later that the doctor told him after that he really thought they were going to have to do an emergency c section on me. Glad I didn't know that then. Apparently I was quite nice to everyone and didn't yell except at the end when I did some loud grunting as I pushed. And yes, I pooped a little bit too. And I knew I was doing it...ugh.

It's funny. I went in to it all very concerned that my ass would be hanging out for everyone to see. By the time we got to the hospital I was so uncomfortable that I really didn't care at all who saw what part of me. Oh, and having the doula there was great! AD did great too, but I really needed both of them there. I highly recommend using a doula.

I ended up with sulcus tears inside my vagina from the forceps and of course the episiotomy. And oh lord, the hemorrhoids. I thought they were bad before! Thank god for Percocet and Vicodin. I was definitely not prepared for how much it was going to hurt after I gave birth, and for how long.

If I was going to do it again I would definitely give serious thought to a c-section. Thank god my labor only really lasted eight hours!

We were back in the hospital for 24 hours Thursday night (thanksgiving) to treat his jaundice with the lights. That was a little concerning and they had us giving him some formula then b/c it apparently helps pull the billirubin out better. I pumped during that time to get my milk to come in, and when it did, wow! The Ladies were huge! They seemed to be working for him b/c he was back to his birth weight at his first doctors appointment, almost a week ahead of schedule.

The Ladies

Yes, I'm still emotional, but let's talk about The Ladies today.

I'm quite fascinated with my own breasts. I have been pretty much since they first appeared when I was a pre-teen/teen.

Well now, let me tell you, they have become my latest obsession. I can't stop looking at them, poking them, prodding them, and squeezing them. My nipples are amazing! I mean, they are huge! And the areola, wowzers! And now, they are starting to produce colostrum. How exciting is that?!?

So, please excuse me why I go admire them and squeeze out a little juice.

And yes, AD thinks I've totally lost it.

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Still on the subject of boobs, please send some love out to my friend NG who is going in for a breast biopsy tomorrow. She has some lovely Ladie's herself!

Your things

Amazing Daddy looked at my breasts the other day and said "wow, your things are getting bigger." "My things?" I said, looking down. "Yeah, your things, your areola, I didn't want to get too technical with you."

Hmmmm....

week 15 update

Nothing exciting to report. All very boring actually.

I'm still not showing, yet I only have two pair of pants that actually fit me. I may have to break down and buy some pregnancy shorts and Capri's, but I'm not looking forward to it. I can't wait until I show so I don't just look fat(er). I think that may take a while though, since I actually am fat. Thank goodness empire waist and baby doll styles are in right now, because I find them very comfortable and in my mind at least they give the illusion of pregnancy.

I'm still tired, but perhaps not as bad as I was. I do have days with some energy, but then seem to pay for it the next day. I have a feeling I did myself a disservice spending the first three months on the couch. A little exercise then would have been good for me and perhaps I would have more energy now.

Can I tell you about my skin? Holy cow, my neck and shoulders are breaking out like crazy. Big red pimples, that rarely come to a head, but then last forever. I think some of them are trying to turn in to skin tags, but I refuse to let them. It's something else, I tell you.

I rented a Doppler about a week ago. Believe it or not I've only listened once, the day I got it. This was after a weekend that I was feeling some odd cramping and just felt strange over all. I needed the reassurance that something was still growing in there. This week though, I've felt good, and just believe that everything is OK. My next ultrasound is next Friday. I can't wait to see how much baby has grown in the last four weeks.

Boobs are still huge, and sore. And man oh man, but did the nipples get huge!