Monday, December 31, 2007

New Years eve update

So Amazing Daddy dragged me to the doctors about ten days ago. She medicated me up and I'm finally starting to feel a little better. Still not all butterflies and bunny rabbits, but I wasn't quite that before either. At least every other thought isn't how everyone would be better off if I left. AD has been a rock through this.

Baby Brother continues to enchant me most of the time. We saw his first smile the Saturday before Christmas. Now he smiles all the time. And has the most adorable little cooing sounds.

He also amazes me with the sheer amount of gas he produces. I mean this boy can toot! And the last couple days it has started to really smell! Which makes me wonder just what I've been eating to cause that smell. I thought breast poops weren't supposed to smell. Or was that just wishful thinking on my part? Any thoughts fellow mommy's? Is this amount of gas normal? It's so frequent that now The Boy blames all his toots on his Baby Brother.

Breast feeding has been interesting. Lately he's been at them all day long! It was getting a bit overwhelming. Twice over the weekend I gave him a bottle and both times he sucked down over two ounces of formula, so it finally hit me that maybe I wasn't producing enough at one time to fill him up. So this weekend I started to pump periodically through out the day. This morning I woke up with mammoth mam's. Wowzers! He's had a nice full belly today! He even took a three hour nap for me in his car seat this afternoon after a little stroll around the neighborhood. I feel like a new woman! Now I need to work on getting him to sleep at night without me holding him.

The Boy has been doing great with him! None of the aggression we had feared has surfaced. He's actually very gentle with him and frequently asking how he's doing. He doesn't care for it when he cries, but then again, I don't either. He seems to be handling my depression ok as well, but I know he's aware of it and I hate that. I hate that he sees me cry at times. Although he does tend to behave better when I'm crying.

So happy new year everyone! And with this I'm off to go change a diaper that smells strangely like buttered popcorn.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Jewish house

Amazing Daddy and The Boy have been enjoying their drives home from work/preschool lately, looking at all the Christmas lights on the houses.

The Boy wanted to know why some houses didn't have lights, so AD said that maybe Jewish families lived in those houses.

A few minutes later AD hears The Boy talking to himself: "Jewish house, Jewish house, not a Jewish house, another Jewish house."

Then last night they stopped at BJ's to get gas and The Boy told AD "BJ's is not Jewish."

I wonder when he'll realize this is a Jewish house? Maybe the Christmas tree in the front window is confusing him...

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Frustration - definitely in the TMI category

I'm getting very frustrated by the state of my "nether region." It doesn't seem to feel any different over the last week or so. It's still sore. And I still feel a lot of uncomfortable pressure there. And there is still a large slit going in to the entrance of my vagina. It will be four weeks tomorrow. When will it feel normal again?

The PPD is bad enough...this is enough to help push me over the edge completely.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

More of everything than I thought possible

I can't believe it has been over three weeks since I gave birth to our newest little miracle, known in bloggy land now as Baby Brother (or BB). So many posts I've created in my head during our hours long nursing sessions, but this is truly one of the first times I've had both hands free. the title says...more of everything.

More love for this little guy than I ever thought possible. He's such a cute little old man baby. All scrunched up little face, so expressive. He's a fairly good sleeper, and we have been very lucky that he never had his days and nights screwed up. He took to breastfeeding right away too. He's definitely a mommy's boy and prefers to be in my arms and attached to the nipple 24/7.

More intense love and gratefulness for my husband than ever before. Amazing Daddy was, well yes, amazing during the birth of Baby Brother and he's continued to be amazing since then. He's pretty much taken over the care of The Boy since I haven't been able to (physically or mentally - more on that later). And he's done a great job of taking care of me while I try an take care of BB

More freaking pain and discomfort than I ever thought my crotch could handle. So yeah, BB did no come out easily. I have a birth story started that hopefully I'll finish and post soon, but in a nut shell he ended up as a forceps delivery, and boy howdy, let me tell you, talk about some trauma to the old cooter. I may never be the same again down there, at least without some surgical correction. At risk of sharing TMI, the stitches in my episiotomy dissolved too soon so I'm healing from the inside out, rather than the outside in. I won't know for a couple weeks whether or not it all comes back together or not. And let me just say, NO ONE TOLD ME I'D BE PEEING MYSELF after this. Maybe I was in the bathroom during that part of child birth class...

More feelings of isolation than I expected. I admit it, this is harder than I ever expected. And I know I'm incredibly lucky because I have an easier baby than most. But damn, I feel so alone at times. So lonely during the day. So isolated. I never expected these types of feelings. I don't even feel like I can admit to not being overwhelmingly happy after everything we went though to get here. Are IF'ers allowed to admit that they aren't 100 percent happy once they have the baby? I think I may be a little bit past the baby blues and teetering on the edge of PPD. It sucks feelings like this...

More NOT in to Christmas this year than I ever believed possible. There will be no Christmas cards sent out this year, no decorating of the house, etc. We are lucky that we got a tree up for The Boy, and some presents ordered to be delivered to my parents house for Xmas morning. Saturday night we have a baby sitter scheduled for TB so AD and I can go out and do some shopping. It's funny, I always thought having maternity leave over Christmas would be the perfect time. That I'd have the house all decorated, cookies made, home made gifts galore for my family, etc. etc. etc. Bah, humbug...I just can't be bothered to even think about any of it this year. And that's how I know it's time to call the doctor for some medication adjustments.