Perspective

One of the things I got out of last weekend was some much needed perspective.

While we go through some crazy shit with Noah, we could have it much worse. So much worse! I had to be careful actually, as I listened to everyone's story, that I didn't project their reality onto Noah's future. Believe me, some of the tears I cried last weekend were because of my fear for his future.

The truth is we just don't know what it is going to be like for Noah, or us with Noah, five years or ten years or twenty years from now. It doesn't stop me from worrying and fretting over it, but when it comes down to it I just don't know. I hope that everything we are doing for him now will make his future easier. Shit, pretty much everything we do is in some way trying to help him. But when you are dealing with a childhood mental illness, you just can't know. You hope, and if you are of the praying sort, you pray I guess.

Still, right now we don't have it as hard as many of the moms that I met last weekend. In the moment that doesn't necessarily make it any easier, but when I can take a step back later and look at what is going on with more perspective it helps. Sometimes anyway.

Some of the women are going through serious shit with their kids. I think I'm feeling a bit of survivors guilt right now. Kind of ironic in a way. It's not like Noah doesn't have one seriously difficult road in front of him. A road that we will try to help him navigate as much as we can.
 

So this is what it is like to belong!

Last weekend I attended the 2nd Annual Early Trauma and Attachment Annual Meeting. I spent three amazing days with 67 other "trauma mommas" who are now my "SOUL sisters."

It was one of those experiences that is impossible to describe for someone who either wasn't there, or doesn't have children like ours.

For the first time since Noah was a year or so old I felt like other momma's "got it." No one was judging, no one was trying to lesson the seriousness of what we go through.

I laughed longer and harder than I have in a very long time. And I cried more than I have in a while. (Well, a few weeks anyway.) I got a few shoulders wet.

I heard stories that broke my heart, and stories that inspired me. I learned more about therapeutic parenting and I added many techniques to my coping tool box.

Sixty-seven women that inspire me! Mommas that foster and/or adopt knowing they are bringing traumatized children into their families, and mommas like me that had no idea what they were getting themselves into. Mommas that have survived disruption and children that could not be healed,  and mommas that have been able to help their child heal. Mommas that have walked this journey for many years, and mommas that are just figuring out what they are dealing with.

For the first time in a very long time I feel like I am part of a community and that I am accepted without judgment. I don't think any of us want to be part of this community, but here we are.

I left Orlando Monday morning and felt validated. I arrived home rejuvenated and rededicated.

I am NOT alone!

Photo credit goes to Alison at Crawford Life and Times. Thanks Alison!

I'm working on the suckage

I'm trying to pull myself back from the land of suck. Fortunately, I'm spending the weekend at the 2nd Annual Early Trauma and Attachment Annual Meeting in Orlando and have been amazed and inspired by 67 other moms!

Thank you so much for all of your kind and supportive comments! You have no idea how much they meant to me and how much they helped.