Optimistic

I'm surprisingly optimistic about this cycle. Part of me actually believes it might work this time. Of course knowing we aren't using our own genetic embryos (which I truly believe suck) makes it different enough for me to think the outcome could be different.

Our last cycle (IVF#2) felt like a failure from the time of the egg retrieval. I was in no way surprised to find out it was a big fat failure.

I was of course hopeful with our first cycle. Supposedly we were bypassing all our "problems" and we transferred four decent embryos (although not as beautiful as the ones this time). I even had a few days, close to a week I think, where I felt like it might be happening. I know my body was telling me something was different. I think those little embies tried to burrow in and grow, but they just didn't have the strength.

What keeps me somewhat grounded and fearful of any optimism is that we have no way of knowing if it was truly the embryos or it was my uterus that failed. If it was indeed my uterus I guess I'm doomed for failure again.

A big part of me just doesn't believe anything will ever work. I'm unable to envision myself pregnant. It doesn't mean I don't want it with all my heart. I'm just unable to envision it. I've become so wrapped up in the process of IF treatment that I sometimes forget there is an endpoint, an ultimate goal.
Really guys, it's not all about multiple blood draws and the joy of spreading your legs to rooms full of people. And paying to do it no less.

Day 1 of 2ww

Transfer went very well yesterday. We had to meet our acupuncturist there at 6:45am with transfer scheduled at 7:30am.Amazing Daddy dropped me off at 6:30am and took The Boy to preschool then came back

Being the third time I knew what to expect and had the routine down. Acupuncture was relaxing and I dozed during it. Dr. C arrived right at 7:30 and told me we had three excellent embryos. They had thawed five and three survived and divided beautifully. Basically I was told they were as good as they get. They looked textbook to me, beautiful symmetry with no fragmentation.

I knew enough to release a little pee before I went in (such control I have being able to go to the bathroom without letting it all out). the transfer went very smoothly, with very little discomfort at all. The only disappointment was that AD didn't get there until about three minutes after the actual transfer. He did get to hold me hand while I relaxed on the table before I was able to get up.

We were home and I was in bed by 9:10am. I've been there since. I feel good about things in so far as I know the embryos looked great and I know the donors were successful with them. The unknown now is if my body will let them (1 or 2 preferably) implant and grow.

Blood levels Friday and then pregnancy test the next Friday. I imagine I'll do an HPT before that. Nothing now to give me a false positive.

Fingers crossed!

While I'm here I might as well give an update on the FET

My estrogen finally went up after a few days of Estrace tablets shoved up my vahjayjay as Oprah calls it (not sure how she spells it though), or my hotpocket as my IVF nurse called it. So we are a go for transfer on Friday.

Today I started my Medrol dose pack and the PIO shots. I still have on four estrogen patches but have stopped the vaginal Estrace.

Apparently the embryos were frozen on day one, so technically at zygote stage. They will be transferred at what is considered day three. I'll return for blood work next Friday and then the pregnancy test in two weeks. We are hoping to thaw five and transfer the best two or three. This would give us five left if we need to try again.

The other couple that used some of these embryos in December apparently got pregnant.

Huh....

Well, explain this one.

Estrogen = 82 today. Last Saturday it was 88. Since last Saturday I've increased from two Vivelle patches every two days to three. How the hell did it decrease?

On the plus side my lining was good according to Dr. C.

So, up to four patches now. Back on Tuesday. Transfer likely delayed until Tuesday 2/20 which means I'll have to tell my boss what I'm doing. I was hoping not to tell anyone about this cycle. I really didn't want to have to share my disappointment once again.

DFET update

So I'm in the midst of our donor embryo cycle. I started estrogen patches a week ago and am up to three vivelle 0.1 mg dot patches. I likey me some estrogen. I feel a hell of a lot better than I did when I wrote that pathetic post two weeks ago. Ughh...how awful was that one?

Anyway....transfer is next Friday (2/16). They are 2pn embryos so they will be thawed on Tuesday. If I understand correctly they will be transferred at blast stage. Does that make sense Leggy?

It's nice not having to go in for monitoring as often. I'm not telling anyone at work this time, and it's worked out well because my appointments are on Tuesdays and Fridays (my days off) for the most part. Since the transfer is on a Friday I'll have the weekend to rest.

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As for Operation Diaper Free we are on day six! No accidents today. All the pee pee made it in to the potty, and he even held it during a time out (literally held it). Yippee!!!!!

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Latest words of cuteness:

I pointed to a red spot below The Boy's belly button the other day and asked him what it was. He thought I was pointing above the belly button and looked at me like I was an idiot.

"It's my nibble mommy" he said.

Ah yes, of course, his nibble.


This morning he looked at me and pointed to my "nibbles" while I was getting dressed and told me I had "big nibbles."

I love me some nibbles.

embryo updates

Several of you have commented or emailed recently asking what was going on with our donor embryo plan.

Something to know about me, when I've made a decision to do something I tend to stop talking/writing about it since in my head it is a done deal. Anyway, we are moving forward with the DET. I'll start Lupron after my next period, then the ET after that. I think this will put us in February for the transfer, since Aunt Flo is due to visit us again around Christmas time. Yes, a true red Christmas.

The only obstacle I foresee right now is that I may need surgery on my wrist. I have an appointment this week with the hand surgeon. If I do (which at this point I just want to do and get it over with) I'm hoping they will do it soon so it is out of the way before this cycle and a potential pregnancy.

Of course, just by saying that I've jinxed myself in to failure.