Like I said yesterday, I'm pretty much resigned to the results. Since the retrievel, I haven't felt positive about it. But then of course I start to worry that my negative feelings led to a negative result. But really, is that rational?

I'm not sure how Amazing Daddy is feeling about this. I know he's disappointed, but he also said he's happy with the family we have. He doesn't have the need that I do to carry and birth a baby. AD doesn't talk about things that bother him. It frustrates me, and leaves me guessing, and often feeling like he just doesn't feel anything.

AD was so sweet and sent me a big bouquet of flowers yesterday to cheer me up. So thoughtful! What I really needed though was for him to come home and hold me and share his disappointment.

I have so much guilt right now. Mostly regarding the expense of all this, with nothing to show for it. How do I justify spending even more if we do go on? Yet, how do I not go on?

Am I being selfish? The boy frequently talks about wanting a brother/sister (one entity in his mind I think). But really, he's 3 1/2, does he understand what he's asking for? At the same time though, doesn't he deserve to have a brother or sister to share his life with? But we could solve that by adopting again. At what point do I force myself to give up the need/desire to be pregnant and be satisfied with adoption?

I know that I need to and want to explore donor egg or donor embryo. I just don't know how to get AD on board with it. I know he'll never "need" it the way I do, but I need him to understand how I feel and to want a child enough to make these sacrifices.

Leggy, you asked if we had looked in to embryo adoption. Do you have any suggestions on where to start with that?

As expected

Well, no surprise here. The pregnancy test was negative.

I had a few spurts of hope earlier in the week when I did a couple HPT's and had some very faint lines. Of course I did an HCG booster last week, so the rational part of me knew that it was a false positive.

I'm frustrated, but resigned I guess. Dr. C wants us to come in for a consult, so we will see him November 3rd.

I want to move on to donor eggs or embryo's, but as usual, it comes down to the money. As of now we have spent over $80K between The Boy's adoption and all the fertility treatments. I don't regret a penny of the adoption, but it's hard to see another 40 grand flushed down the toilet. That's money that should be for our retirement, or to help buy a house, so TB has an actual yard and we don't have to hear the neighbors through the walls, or for TB's college fund. Or a safe car for me, instead of the rust bucket I'm currently driving.

It all comes down to money. The emotional part of this sucks, but I'd do it over and over again if I had to. If we could afford to. Until we have a baby.

How do you give up a dream of being a mother just because you can't afford it?

Updates

You would think that having three days in bed I would write like crazy, but no. Although I did catch up on a lot of reading, including my favorite blogs.

So, anyway, three embryos were transferred on Thursday; a six cell, a seven cell and an eight cell. I'm trying to be positive. The transfer itself went very well. So much better than last time. They let me pee a little bit just before, so I wasn't in agony and was able to relax. I was able to watch the monitor of the ultrasound so I could see what was going on, which also helped me focus and relax. Last time I was having a lot of pain in my lower abdomen from my ovaries, this time I didn't have any pain. And I've felt good since. Maybe since every thing was different with this cycle from the last one, the outcome will be different too.

So I'm up today, I"m catching up on the laundry and cleaned the bathroom, changed the sheets, and now I'm getting ready to do some work on the laptop. You know, all the work I should have done over the last three days when I couldn't move and the laptop was my constant companion. I had a huge list of things computer related I was going to get done, and I did none of them.

If interested, my brother and his family are doing well. They are living with my parents right now but a "double wide" should be arriving next week for them to live in while their house is rebuilt. The insurance company has been great they said.

Thanks for everyone's kind thoughts!

It's not looking great...

I admit I haven't gone in to this cycle with much optimism. I've basically had the "if I don't think it will work, I won't be devastated when it doesn't" attitude. I wish it was that simple.

The ultrasound on Saturday showed some awesome follicles, certainly not a predictor of what I'm hearing today.

Egg report today:
13 eggs retrieved
8 were mature
rare, nonmotile sperm in sample
frozen sperm sample used
4 eggs fertilized

Well, you know 4 eggs today is unlikely to mean 4 embryos at transfer.

Last cycle:
14 eggs retrieved
10 mature
8 fertilized
7 became 4 cells day 2
4 were 8 cells or better at transfer
0 took

Apparently one of my ovaries was tucked behind my uterus yesterday, and they couldn't really get to it. I assume they got some from it or I wouldn't have had the 13.

I'm the kind of person that needs answers. And statistics. I need to know what the odds are that my 4 fertilized eggs will be 4 tomorrow, and what the chances are that they will be any on Thursday. I need to know why they couldn't get to the one ovary and how hard they tried. I need to know if using the frozen sample is why only 50% fertilized, when 80% fertilized last time. I need to know if our chance of getting pregnant would be better if we used the donor sperm we have frozen on backup. I need to know why Sparklyhusband has sperm one day and not another. I need to know that this result isn't because yesterday was a holiday (Yom Kippur) and everyone was in a hurry to get out of there, and it wasn't the "second string" embryologist doing the work.

What I don't need to hear is "all you need is one."

It's a number game, and the less there are, the lower the chances.

We have spent over 80K between our fertility treatments and the adoption of The Boy. I don't think I can justify the expense of another cycle. But at the same time I'm not sure I can give up all my dreams of being pregnant and having another child.

I'm back in to the "it's not fair" funk.

IVF #2 - retrieval

Retrieval day today. Bakers dozen recovered.

I'm confused, and disappointed. I had 20 follicles on my last ultrasound Saturday morning.

Amazing Daddy said they had a difficult time getting to my one ovary. Not sure what that means, and he didn't ask I guess. And someone said, can't really remember if they told me, or they told him, that they didn't go after the small follicles. I guess that could account for the discrepancy. I want to know why they didn't go for them though.

I woke up during the procedure, it hurt! Not sure why I woke up. I'm pretty sure they put me right back under. Damn Versed, I can't remember anything.

So when I finally did wake up and asked how it went, the nurse anesthetist told me 13. I started to cry. That wasn't enough. She couldn't understand why I was so upset. No one could. Damn people. Am I the only one who understands this is a numbers game?

On the other necessary part of this equation...AD had no sperm in his sample from last night and this morning. Again. And no one even cares to know why. Fortunately, one of the samples that was frozen had some and they were motile when thawed, so the embryologist felt confident that she could find 13 sperm. I'm assuming since we haven't heard from them that they did. I guess we'll know more tomorrow.

So I'm home, and crampy, and I slept a few hours this afternoon. The cats are happy to have me in bed again.

Tomorrow I'll go to the library to stock up on books to read after the transfer. And the grocery store. I think chocolate will factor heavily on that grocery list.

Egg update tomorrow.

Catching up and other shit

I've neglected to blog for a couple weeks. It's not that I haven't thought about it. I do, often. And I frequently write the funniest posts in my head on my way home from work, they just never seem to get out of the mush of my brain.

Cycle day one if anyone is interested. Oyyyy...The headache after being on ten days of Lupron. My soul for some estrogen please. Menopur stars on Monday, after the ol' coochie checks out and they drill for blood.

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My parents are coming for a visit next weekend. That means I have to clean up the guest bedroom. And wash the sheets from their last visit, from like, four months ago. And, next Friday night starts Rosh Hoshanah. So I guess they'll let them selves in and be waiting for us. Because, dinner is at my brother-in-laws house Friday. I have to bring the salad. I hate salad. And basically no one eats it, but I still have to take it, and then bring it home after. And, they know that what I really love to do is bake, but do they ever ask me to bake something yummy for dinner? Oh no...and come on, my honey cake rocks! Especially considering a shicksa is baking it.

My brother-in-law and his family are weird. Every thing is a big secret with them. And they can't commit to anything more than a day in advance. And often, they never even give an answer. My SIL has multiple sclerosis, but she refuses to talk about it, and just says she's doing fine, even when I can see that her vision sucks or she is having trouble walking. I wish I could help her, but she refuses to talk about any thing of substance.

When I met my BIL seven years ago he told me he was an agnostic. Now he he goes to temple and seems to believe. I'm not sure what happened in the last seven years to get him there, because they don't f'ing talk about anything real in their life.

I just realized the other day that he is 19 years older than me, and could be my father. Amazing Daddy says that 19 is too young to be a father, so I had to remind him I was talking figuratively. BIL and SIL are nice people, but I have nothing in common. Spending time with them is painful. I find myself wanting to say outrageous things just to see if they will react. Poor SH cringes when I open my mouth.

It's hard being someone who is so open like we are, and being family with someone who is so CLOSED.

Really though, they are nice people, and they make good briskett.

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My MIL, stereotypical Jewish old lady. Some day I'll write about her. I have funny stories. Remind me to tell you about the phone message she left when I first moved in with AD.

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We were invited to a private party at the Philadelphia Zoo last night. We took Prince Alexi and had a lot of fun. He got to see puma's play with each other. Not much different than our own cats, just much bigger and with longer, sharper claws.

The spider monkeys were cute too. They went non-stop...Reminded me of TB.

TB did well, until we had to walk through the big cat exhibit and go through a small building with a large movie screen. Scared him shitless, all the lights and roaring. He stood at the door and wouldn't move. Poor kid. It was interesting because he seemed to process it all very slowly. It actually took him a couple minutes to realize it scared him.

After that every few minutes he reminded us that he didn't want to go to the movie anymore.

He told one of the zoo workers about watching the elephant poop. He saw the elephant poop four months ago during our last visit. Guess it made an impression on him.

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We don't really care for one of TB's therapists (technically called his itinerat teachers (IT) by the Intermediate Unit). She's been with him since he was in early intervention. Basically she sees him for about an hour a week. And has for the last 18 months or so. I really think she's crossed some boundaries with him and has pissed me off and his regular pre-school teachers several times. I may have written about it before, but she told TB's TSS that if she wanted to learn more about TB she should research ODD (oppositional defiant disorder). Now, TB has been labeled with many abbreviations, but ODD has never been one of them.

I had a meeting with TB's teachers a couple weeks ago and they expressed some concern with with this woman (let's call her Deb, because, well, that's her name). Deb seems to think she is an expert on sensory disorders because she has a grown son with SPD. The problem is, Deb isn't with TB to work on sensory issues. That is what his OT is for. Deb is supposed to be working with him on...Well...Actually, I'm really not sure. I thought it was his behavior originally, but recently learned that wasn't true.

So really, what I was going to tell you is that at the beginning of the school year we found out that TB was getting a new IT and OT. I wasn't thrilled about a new OT since we had just been given a new one six months ago, but what ever. I did do the happy dance when I found out Deb was being replaced.

Imagine my surprise when TB's preschool teacher called to tell me that Deb had just been there and said she was going to be TB's IT again this year.

You better bet I was on the phone to the IU as soon as I hung up with Rachel. We've been playing phone tag since then. If she can't be reassigned AD and I (ok, I have decided, AD really doesn't have much to do with this stuff) have decided that we are going to cancel that "service" altogether. Considering we don't even know what she is supposed to be doing...

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And that is all I have time for right now....Consider yourselves updated.

Yeah, so perhaps my last post was a bit over the top. Although, honestly, I was feeling it last week. This week, somewhat better. As I got closer to my period my hormones seemed to even themselves out. I tend to forget how bad I can feel that last week of my cycle.

So, yesterday marks CD1. Another week or so and I start peeing on sticks. Whoohooo...count down to Lupron!

I just read a post here that references kids doing crafts with glitter glue. Which reminded me of the birthday party I took The Boy to yesterday. They had crafts, which TB had no interest in doing, until everyone else was done of course. Then all he wanted to do was glob on the glitter glue. It took all my self control not to try and direct him. Tell me, why is it so difficult to let kids just do things? Why do I always want him to do it "right?" And just who dictates what right is?

Hmmm...not as profound a post as I had been hoping for.

How about this one...Amazing Daddy just drove his mother home after an afternoon visit. I did everything I could to convince TB to go with him so I could have an hour or two to myself. then as soon as they are out the door I start to feel guilty, and then I'm half convinced they will be in a terrible accident and it will be all my fault because I wanted them gone for a while. I get this amazing sense of guilt and feeling that I can control fate from my mother. I got my depression and issues with food from her too. Thanks Mom, thanks so much for fucking me up.

Ohhhh...Here's a good one. I got very ballsy Friday and I asked my boss for a raise. I found out recently that the women i work with all make more than I do, even though I've been there longer than all but one. I was the only part timer until just a few months ago. It's a long story how I figured all this out, and even longer as to how it actually happened that I was being shorted. But, The Boss took it very well and is going to look in to it. If I am correct, I may be getting a several thousand dollar a year raise soon. Believe me it will be useful. Being the only budd of the boss right now is definitely a good thing. Although useful, the fact that I am sucks for the company because there is a lot of tension.

It was not an easy thing to do. I guess not many people find that an easy conversation to initiate. I had butterflies in my stomach all day. But I did it!
And now I'm sitting here watching a Lifetime movie enjoying my last few minutes of peace before the boys get home.