IVF #2 - retrieval

Retrieval day today. Bakers dozen recovered.

I'm confused, and disappointed. I had 20 follicles on my last ultrasound Saturday morning.

Amazing Daddy said they had a difficult time getting to my one ovary. Not sure what that means, and he didn't ask I guess. And someone said, can't really remember if they told me, or they told him, that they didn't go after the small follicles. I guess that could account for the discrepancy. I want to know why they didn't go for them though.

I woke up during the procedure, it hurt! Not sure why I woke up. I'm pretty sure they put me right back under. Damn Versed, I can't remember anything.

So when I finally did wake up and asked how it went, the nurse anesthetist told me 13. I started to cry. That wasn't enough. She couldn't understand why I was so upset. No one could. Damn people. Am I the only one who understands this is a numbers game?

On the other necessary part of this equation...AD had no sperm in his sample from last night and this morning. Again. And no one even cares to know why. Fortunately, one of the samples that was frozen had some and they were motile when thawed, so the embryologist felt confident that she could find 13 sperm. I'm assuming since we haven't heard from them that they did. I guess we'll know more tomorrow.

So I'm home, and crampy, and I slept a few hours this afternoon. The cats are happy to have me in bed again.

Tomorrow I'll go to the library to stock up on books to read after the transfer. And the grocery store. I think chocolate will factor heavily on that grocery list.

Egg update tomorrow.

Waiting for the phone call

Here I am, waiting with a very large knot in my stomach, for the phone call that will officially end our first IVF cycle. Even though I KNOW it will be negative because I truly can't believe that the HPT could be wrong, part of me apparently still hopes.

I cried so much yesterday I'm not sure I really need to cry today when I get the news. But, I imagine I will. I'm still going to blame it on all the progesterone surging through my body, but I imagine I'd cry anyway. Although, I have to admit, there have been times in my life when I should have cried, that I just couldn't. And of course, many many times when I shouldn't have cried, that I did. And most of those in public.

And have I mentioned I don't cry pretty? My face gets all red and blotchy and puffy, really puffy. And then I can't see out of my contacts because they start to feel all cloudy and goopy. And then I'm exhausted and all I want to do is sleep. Of course sleeping is the best way to escape from it.

When the call comes, and after the "I'm so sorry, it was negative" bit, I'm going to take a Xanax, maybe even two. Then I think I might crawl in to bed with Old Faithful, because I deserve a good buzz, and since I've been so damn horny from the progesterone but couldn't do anything about it, it's about time I get off.

And then maybe a couple margaritas this weekend are in order.

So how long does it take for the hormones to get back to normal? When will the crazies go away? And do I really have to wait a full cycle before I can start again? That means I can't start Lupron for at least another 7 weeks. Which means our next cycle would be September/October I think. Right smack in the middle of our annual vacation to visit my family.

So now I'm going through the it's not fair crap. I guess part of me really did think that I had gone through enough with all the fertility treatments we did a few years ago. Then the years in between believing it might work on it's own. I wonder just how many periods I've had that I've cursed over. Adding the adoption of TB, and the stress of it all as we discovered his special needs and faught for help for him. Then this cycle all the ups and downs with AD's sperm/no sperm issue. I thought maybe we had been through enough, and that the cosmos would agree and finally grant it to us.

I'll have to add everything up, but I think we have spent about 15K for this cycle with all the extra stuff we had to do (multiple SA's, the ICSI, assisted hatching, banking the sperm we did get, having donor sperm on back up, my choice to do acupuncture). And of course all the regular costs involved.

We took out a home equity loan with the thought it would pay for 3 cycles (assuming one would be a frozen), and give us enough to pay off a bit of debt we had. Well, this cycle cost a little more than I thought, and our air conditioner broke the end of may, so we had to spend 9K replacing the heat and cooling system in our house. We had hoped to have enough left that when I got pregnant we could replace the rust bucket that I drive, and get a safe, family car, like a minivan. This isn't going to happen though. Because I looked at our account, and what we have left is only going to cover another cycle, with maybe a little left over. Maybe enough to do a third cycle if we had embryos left that made it to cryo. Which afer this cycle seems unlikely.

I'm rambling now, I realize that. Blah, blah, blah.

Yet, here I am, still waiting for the call, still hoping. Am I fucking insane?

Overdue update on fertility

I've been very remiss with my entries lately, as all of you wonderful readers have I'm sure noticed. Ok, slight bit of sarcasm there, as I don't have any regular readers other than my husband, but maybe some day.

So, today we did IVF. Well, the culmination of it, as we transferred four embryos. It was a very good cycle, I felt great with all the meds, and other than some ongoing cramping from the retrieval I feel good. Amazing Daddy was able to step up to the plate and give a good sample of swimmers both the night before retrieval and the morning of. We did have donor sperm on backup, but it will remain frozen. Maybe I can sell it on eBay!

So now starts the two week wait. It could be a long one. I'm on bed/couch rest for a couple days but it seems kind of silly because I fell good. But, on the off chance it will help I'll stay here. Plus, how often do you get to lounge in bed for three days when you aren't sick!

I hope to update my blog over the next couple days. I have lots of great, entertaining, witty entries in my brain, I just never seem to get them out my fingers and onto the screen. Lots of TB stories to share, as well as updated information on his bio family in Russia.

Updates on fertility

We are still attempting to move forward with the IVF. I haven't posted much on it because the last big post I did seems to have disappeared. I figured maybe it was telling me something, because it was a long ramble of how unfair everything was. I realize now the cyber world just doesn't need to be polluted with all that negativity.

We talk to the urologist tomorrow about how to move forward. Whether we will do TESE or move on from there. I'd like to get going this cycle, but I think we may have to wait one more. I'm trying to be patient. In the past when I've pushed things too fast I've lived to regret it.

Dr. Dick and the wayward Sperm -or - The things we do for our wives

So after much begging and cajoling, and use of Amazing Daddy's sexy phone voice, we managed to get in to see Dr. Dick (a.k.a. the fertility urologist) several weeks before our scheduled appointment.

Oh such fun, to sit across his desk and have him tell us nothing...NOTHING...NADA...ZILCH. "Hmmmm....nope, never really seen this happen before. I see you had sperm four years ago....yup...hmmm....blah...blah...blah."

Not one to just let it go...and believe me...I didn't. I pushed the issue a bit. Oh yes...I asked (insert appropriate scary music introduction) Dr. Dick questions...many questions. Questions that resulted in him pulling out a plastic prostate. And much pointing at things.

Ahhhh...Hmmmm...Yes, I understand. So, you can't really say for sure there is a blockage, in fact you don't think so. Hmm...Why Dr. Dick...How can you tell anything if you haven't even looked at my dear husband's penis yourself!!

And if he doesn't have sperm today, what makes you think he'll have some a month from now. And why won't you shove a needle in there and see if you can find any? Unnecessary procedure you say...hmmmm...

Ohhhh....So you'd rather wait for me to take a months worth of hormones, forcing my body first in to menopause, then in to ovarian hyperstimulation, then, and only then, when I have two ovaries bursting out of my abdomen with eggs (going to be optimistic on this one) would you consider trying to extract sperm from my husbands testicles. Really, because money and my health and SANITY comes second to poking the family jewels. Cause what the hell, why not take that big risk and put it all on the line with a chance that there will be no sperm to fertilize all my little eggs.

What? What's that Dr. Dick? Now you say maybe we should have a donor as backup?

Through most of this Amazing Daddy sits quietly back and listens. Perhaps enjoying watching Dr. Dick squirm, or perhaps, just too fucking embarrassed at his wife talking about his penis and prostate and urine flow, etc. etc. etc..

Finally, and I would bet a box of Thin Mints on this, just to shut me up, Dr. Dick said he would scope Amazing Daddys penis to see if there was a blockage in his urethra. So then AD pipes up and says "you owe me one." Oh yeah dear heart, maybe by the 47th time someone has stuck something up your weewee we might be about even, cause shit, the number of times I've had things shoved up my whoha, pieces pulled out, parts left in, etc. Not to mention the number of injections I've given myself and the ones he's poked me in the ass with.

So AD gets poked up both ends and what does Dr. Dick say? "The things we do for our wives."

Apparently AD went home feeling a little squishy that day. Good thing I keep his underwear nice and clean and folded in his drawer for him for these emergency squishy days.

Still MIA

What a stellar day Wednesday was.

First, the ovulation test was positive, so the countdown was officially going to start. Amazing Daddy had the Lupron at work and I notified the doctor.

Then Amazing Daddy dropped another sample off at the clinic to be tested. And yet again, those damn spermies are missing in action. And he acts surprised that we haven't been able to get pregnant???

Next step call the urologist to arrange for them to stick a needle in his balls to see if he has sperm but it's blocked. And if he does they'll just take it out and freeze it for our cycle. Well GDMF but they can't get us in until April 26. Don't they know they have a desperate profoundly infertile woman here! And I can only stay well preserved for so long!

I finally got a message through to Dr. Dick (the urologist) about what was going on so he wants SH to have yet another analysis (like they will just magically reappear???). Apparently they don't consider this a life threatening condition. Perhaps some old guy will kick it and we'll get his appointment. We can only hope.

A funny thing happened on the way to the clinic...

Well, it seems that darling AD's sperm has gone AWOL. Yup...all those sweet little swimmers seem to have disappeared in the last three years. Could it be we have had so much sex in the last couple years that we have exhausted his supply? I posed that question to him and the look I received back was pure disgust. Hmmm...could it be I'm not putting out enough?

Perhaps I mentioned before that we have always had some concern with his juiciness. I always speculated AD was just plumbed wrong. The man could produce more fluid from his mouth and nose than anyone I know. Talk about drowning in kisses. However, giving this man a blow job is a joy (Well, comparatively speaking. And if I actually did things like that.) because 1ml is a lot less likely to surprise and choke you, than 1 teaspoonful.

Apparently though, the pond is getting smaller and it's run out of fish.

Hopefully we will know more this week because he is going to have a formal semen analysis (SA). We just did a quick and dirty look at a drop under the microscope this week because I didn't want to start drugs until I knew he had some badboys available to inject into my super powered eggs at the end of all these hormones. Thank god I did, because if we hadn't we could have ended up four weeks from now sucking out a bunch of adorable little eggs from my super sized ovaries and had no sperm to inject in to them. Fuck! Wouldn't that have been a nice way to blow 10 grand. At that point I would have been begging the janitor for a donation. And not from his paycheck either!

Hopefully the test this week will be fine and last week's was just an anomaly. If not we have to go see the urologist and try to figure out whats going on. Best case its a blockage of some kind and they'll just have to go into his testicle with a syringe and pull some sperm out the morning of the retrieval (TESE). Worst case we have to figure out if he's man enough to use a sperm donor.

Profoundly Infertile, yet Well Preserved

I had my consultation with the IF group last week. I actually handled myself quite well I think. At least I didn't cry like a big ol' goober.

It's amazing how the old feelings start crawling back in. I haven't been there in 3 1/2 years, yet parking and walking to the office felt like I just did it last week. I was welcomed back, which was quite nice, although I can't imagine they remembered me. And no one other than Dr. C. looked familiar to me.

In a nutshell Dr. C. said that since we hadn't gotten pregnant in over 5 years he considered me "profoundly infertile." What bothers me is it was ME he was calling profoundly infertile, not we, as in me and dear hubby. Hello...remember the "lots of fish in a very tiny pond" issue? It's not that I want to play the blame game, well, maybe just a little. But...how come I get to be the failure here?

Anyway....So I'm profoundly infertile, yet, all is not lost. Dr. C. said I was also "well preserved." Hello! That's something I would say to my grandma when she turned 80. However, in the case of my eggs, I guess that isn't so bad to hear. His recommendation, lets confirm the quality of my eggs with a Clomid Challenge Test (CCT) and if there are no unpleasant surprises he thinks IVF with ICSI will be our magic bullet. His success rate with women in my age range (37) with unexplained fertility is 50%. And that's per cycle! Shit...The chances of my husband getting lucky tonight are far less than that!

All in all, I feel good about things! I really feel like this will work for me! I'm going to have a baby!