Thursday, March 22, 2007

We have a heart beat!

After all that anxiety, and some slow wanding by Dr. C., we saw a heart beat. A huge relief.

Amazing Daddy can't understand my pessimism about this. In a way I'm glad. It's good there aren't two worry wort's in this family.

Next US in a week.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Six weeks, two days

Ultrasound tomorrow morning.

I'm terrified. I have this overwhelming fear that there will be no heartbeat, meaning the pregnancy is over.

I don't know why I feel this way, other than I don't feel pregnant at all. Of course everyone tells me that's normal at six weeks. Yet, it still frightens me that I have no nausea, no overwhelming exhaustion, no insatiable hunger. All I have is major moodiness, and I mean major. I just hope my fear has more to do with hormones than something substantial.

I've wavered since last Friday (yes, one day after my last US) about calling to be able to come in early for at least an HCG level.

Will I be this paranoid and insane for the entire pregnancy (provided there is one after tomorrow)?

Friday, March 16, 2007

Telling and not telling

I've told a few people at work, mainly my boss, and three of my co-workers. Two of those co-workers have been involved and supportive of my efforts to conceive and both have had difficulties of their own, either getting pregnant or during their pregnancy. The other co-worker is the guy that is in the cube next to me (so he hears all my one conversations) and basically, he's just about the nicest guy I know. And I trust him. And, being the only guy in a group of women he hears far more than I'm sure he wants to know.

Just a little background on the company I work for. We have about 25 employees right now. I work for a smaller division of the larger organization that is made up of six employees (including me).

I have not told one of the women that is in my work group. This is for several reasons. 1) she's been rather nasty to me several times since last summer (it's a long story and I don't have time to go in to it right now, but basically her people skills suck). 2) We haven't spoken about anything personal in almost a year. 3) She's never had a single problem getting pregnant or during her pregnancies. 4) I don't trust her with something so emotional to me, especially if something goes wrong with this pregnancy.

So this morning, my boss came up to me and said she was thinking and that she thinks I need to tell her. That it's not fair that everyone else knows (meaning the four that I have told). She thinks this would be a good will gesture on my part and I should take the first step. I told her that I don't necessarily feel like being the better person with this. She isn't involved in my personal life and I don't feel like including her now. I will tell her when I'm ready to tell the rest of the office. Probably in two more weeks if things go well. I trust the people that I have already told, I don't trust her.

What do you guys think?

Thursday, March 15, 2007


Sigh of relief.

It looks like it's just one little yolk sac in my uterus. One nice looking singleton Dr. C. says.

Beta = 4880

Next U/S in a week.

Yeah, I can't see anything either. Do you think they are yanking my chain?

I'm pretty sure Amazing Daddy started to tear up when he heard all was good and it was only one. I'm not sure if it was tears of relief that it's not twins, or tears of acceptance that yes, it looks like we might have a baby!

Friday, March 09, 2007

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

day 11 2ww

It shouldn't be surprising to anyone that knows me that I felt compelled to go out and get another HPT because I started to second guess the test from last night.

So I bought a store brand test for six bucks and tried it again tonight. No doubts that it is positive. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the thought that I am really pregnant. As much as I have wanted this I don't think I ever truly believed it would happen. I never thought I would be able to say the phrase "I'm pregnant." Every time I think it I feel like such a fraud.

But, as for now, I do believe that I'm pregnant. I guess when I get the beta on Friday I'll feel slightly more comfortable with it all. I keep telling myself that we have weeks to go before we should start to feel confident. Never having been pregnant before I have no idea how my body might handle it. I think Amazing Daddy will feel much better when we have an US and find out it is not multiples.

Health wise I feel great. My only complaint is my ass is starting to hurt from the PIO injections and my boobs are killing me. Every time I cuddle up with The Boy I wish I had a a suit of armor around me to help dodge his sharp little elbows. Oh yeah, one other thing, I suddenly can't stand the taste of diet coke. yesterday morning I tried cans from five different cases thinking I had a bad batch. Finally I asked one of my co-workers to try one and she said it tasted fine. Guess that's one way to stop a nasty habit.

It's all I can do to keep from telling every one I know we're pregnant, but AD has asked me to have some control. I know he's right, so I'm trying. I did tell my mom though. She was of course happy but then made several comments about how worried she was for me that with TB this is all going to be too hard and I have no idea what I'm getting myself in to. She also can't understand why AD would want to have a baby when he's about to turn 50. I got several warning not to tell anyone for a couple months. And also not to tell anyone that we used donor embryos. Thanks Mom, glad I could count on you for some excitement and support.

Of course this is the same Mom who had to have a long serious talk with me after our visit home at Christmas to make sure I understood that she would never really be able to come out and help us, especially if I was on bed rest, because she could never leave my father home with out her and he'd never be able to stay here for more than a couple days because he's such a damn busy retired man in real life. Or something like that. She just loves him too much to be away from him and she'd worry all the time that something would happen to him while they were apart. Sweet huh? Yeah, I know it is and I'm really happy they have each other and love each other so much. I'm coming to accept she's not the typical mom/grandmother. Of course what she seems to have forgotten is that no matter how desperate I was I don't think i could handle having her around for an extended period of time.

Monday, March 05, 2007

day 10 of 2ww - UPDATE

Holy shit!!!

Day 10 of 2ww

Oh my god I am going crazy. All I want to do is POAS (that's Pee on a Stick). I did succumb yesterday (at day 9). A faint line appeared, but well after the first ten minutes. Everything I read (and I spent hours on Google yesterday and today trying to find something to refute it) says it is an evaporation line. When I looked at it this evening it was completely gone.

I'm like a junky, all nervous stomach, just thinking about it. I was going to wait until tomorrow but I'm with TB all day, and we have appointments and errands in the AM, so if I do it in the morning I'll just be upset.

I really think I have to pee NOW!

I guess I could do it now and buy some more tomorrow if I need to.

I was really going to handle this so much better than the last two. Yeah, right.

I think because I'm more hopeful because of the quality of the embryos the anticipation is greater.

I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it if its a BFN.