Sunday, February 25, 2007


I'm surprisingly optimistic about this cycle. Part of me actually believes it might work this time. Of course knowing we aren't using our own genetic embryos (which I truly believe suck) makes it different enough for me to think the outcome could be different.

Our last cycle (IVF#2) felt like a failure from the time of the egg retrieval. I was in no way surprised to find out it was a big fat failure.

I was of course hopeful with our first cycle. Supposedly we were bypassing all our "problems" and we transferred four decent embryos (although not as beautiful as the ones this time). I even had a few days, close to a week I think, where I felt like it might be happening. I know my body was telling me something was different. I think those little embies tried to burrow in and grow, but they just didn't have the strength.

What keeps me somewhat grounded and fearful of any optimism is that we have no way of knowing if it was truly the embryos or it was my uterus that failed. If it was indeed my uterus I guess I'm doomed for failure again.

A big part of me just doesn't believe anything will ever work. I'm unable to envision myself pregnant. It doesn't mean I don't want it with all my heart. I'm just unable to envision it. I've become so wrapped up in the process of IF treatment that I sometimes forget there is an endpoint, an ultimate goal.
Really guys, it's not all about multiple blood draws and the joy of spreading your legs to rooms full of people. And paying to do it no less.

1 comment:

  1. It's great that you're optimistic. It certainly can't hurt anything!

    It is interesting to try to hypothesize about why cycles failed. It is such an interesting science experiment, and I believe even the REs are just looking for that magic combination. They don't know all the answers either...

    You're right, though. It's easy to forget that there's a reason we're going through ART. It's easy to sometimes just get into a pattern of cycle, cycle, cycle and forget that we're trying to get pregnant!

    Wishing you all the best!