Our elf Nelson

I'm sure most of you know about "Elf on the Shelf." We have had our elf Nelson for a couple years. Definitely before they hit Target. (I like to think we were ahead of the trend.) So Nelson, our elf, is really a lazy ass elf. He doesn't like to move every night much like me when I get my ass comfy on the couch the way he is supposed to.

And forget those fancy antics his brother and sister elves are up to.

At least until this year.

Nelson and I had a little chat the other night. I called him on his laziness. And boring habits. I mean really, just how many time can he sit on the book case?

Well, I guess Nelson took me seriously, because yesterday morning we found him sliding down the pole in Kiel's fire station.

The boys thought that was awesome!

Then this morning we woke up to this!

and this

I think Nelson has been sneaking onto my laptop and checking out Pinterest!

Family Day

We had a very pleasant day with the boys today! I dare say it was very close to the kind of day a "normal" family has together. And frankly, if it isn't, I don't want to know.

We spent the early afternoon at the park where Rich and I sat on a bench and just watched the boys play on an "old school" merry go round. ("Old school" is Noah's new favorite term for anything he considers not new.) The boys played very nicely together, and when a little girl came to play Noah was very considerate of her.

I took another butt ton load of pictures of the boys.

Speaking of butts...

I commented to Rich how far we have come as parents over the years. There was a time like three weeks ago when he would have freaked out by the daredevil stunts Noah was performing.

They way I see it, at least we had a couple good hours and some photographic proof before we had to go to the ER if one of them did break.

 

Why yes, I do like to dress them alike.

I really like this one with the leaves coming down on him.

 I love my  handsome men.

After the park we went and bought our Christmas tree.

(I haven't figured out how to deal with shadow and light on my camera yet. Should I be able to Photoshop those bright patches?)

We bought the first tree we saw, although I still had to look at every other tree on the lot. Rich choked a bit when he saw the price, but he agreed it was the perfect tree, and with some arm twisting gave in. Of course it grew while it was on top of the van on its way home, because it didn't fit by the time we got it home. We had to take a good six inches off the top. I think it's gorgeous though.

It still needs a little adjusting (obviously) since it's listing a bit to the left. Maybe I shouldn't put vodka in the tree stand.

We haven't finished putting the ornaments on it, and I need to fix the "clumping," which all three of the boys/men are guilty off. Honestly, Rich is as bad as the boys. And I know it's him because it is too high up for Noah or Kiel. Oy, you'd think the man was Jewish or something...

Anyway, that reminds me of a little survey I did on here last year, about decorating. I know I have new readers since last year, so do me a solid and weigh in on it. (I wonder if Blogger has a survey plug in.)

A Christmas Tree Decorating Poll

If you have kids and a Christmas tree, please answer the following poll.

When decorating your Christmas tree you:

A.  leave everything exactly where your kids hang it, even if 2/3 of the ornaments are on the same 1/7 of the tree. You would never do anything to stifle their creative nature, right?

B.  let your kids have their fun then go back and rearrange things when they aren't looking. You don't want to hurt their feelings, but damn, 2/3 of the ornaments on the same 1/7 of the tree is lopsided and makes you a bit twitchy.

C.  carefully direct the placement of each ornament. Thank goodness you have kids that actually listen and follow directions, right?

D.  convince the children that there is a tree decorating fairy and one morning they will wake up and magically the tree will be decorated, then you do it yourself after they are asleep. Because OMFG, 2/3 of the ornaments on the same 1/7 of the tree! Do I need to say anymore?

E. ornaments? Are you crazy? My monsters broke all of ours ages ago.

Things that make me laugh

I've been sorting through pictures for the yearly photo projects and I came across these gems.

These were taken during a kids day event at the Philadelphia Phillies. It was for season ticket holders only (my boss gave us the tickets to this event). They were able to eat anything they wanted, go in the club house, locker rooms, run the bases, use the batting cage, etc. 

Obviously, Rich took Noah because we knew he would hate it. Because we hate him. It was the worst day ever.

And Rich made him carry around that damn balloon sword too. Because Meanest Dad Ever!


I can't help it, but these pictures make me laugh!

Black Friday goodness

Rich took advantage of early Black Friday sales at Kohl's last week and purchased an early holiday present. At least that's what we are calling it.

He bought a Dyson at a great sale price.

A really great sale price.

But then he found another coupon, which would make it an even better sale price.

Problem? It was too late to cancel the first order.

So guess what we have sitting in our living room right now?

Yup, two, count them 2, Dysons.

He plans on selling one. It will be interesting to see how long it actually sits in the living room waiting for him to sell it. If anyone local wants a brand new in box Dyson C5 for $250 you know where to come!

We opened up one and Rich used it for a bit. I'm going to say it works well considering he emptied this bunch of shit into the trash when he was done.

Nasty! And a embarrassingly good example of how poor my house keeping skills are, or, how crappy our current vacuum is? It could be my old vacuum right? Right?

Well, welcome home little Dyson, welcome home!

I'm going to park the old vacuum outside Noah's bedroom to see if he freaks out.

The color of snot - or, My Neti pot is my best friend.

I feel like my head collided with the snot truck. The brown one, not the yellow or green one.

According to this article, my brown snot means I'm a smoker. I'm not.

I just spent half an hour looking up what the color of snot means. Apparently I have a cold. Or an infection. Or I'm dying. It's a bit unclear at the moment.

I do know that I didn't go to work today and took a four hour nap after Noah got on the bus. Then I took advantage of cyber Monday and got some good deals. Then I took another nap.

The excitement of my day is using my Neti pot and seeing just how much snot I can blow out into the sink. I'm all kinds of gross, I know. It saddens me that Rich doesn't want to watch.

That's all I've got for today.

Love you.

Final soccer post of the year!

Noah played in a soccer tournament today. They played against other local soccer clubs. The teams were created from the top players of the U10 teams from the fall season. I assume that the top players of his team were not able to make it to this tournament and that is why Noah was invited.

He played great. His focus was better in the first game than the third. During the third game he spent his time off-field kicking everyone's water bottle into the air. He was doing this about ten feet way from the three coaches, and not one of them told him to stop.

They lost all three games. They only had three practices and one scrimmage, and the coach didn't seem that organized. The kids had fun though, and that really is the important part.

Noah begged to play goalie, so they put him in for the last half of the third game. I think the coach was resigned that they were going to loose anyway. The other team scored four goals on him. He managed to block one. So YEAH Noah! At least it wasn't five goals! And, he seemed just fine with it.

Goalie is not in Noah's future. I am OK with that. He's awesome in the other positions. And awfully cute in pictures.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming...

to tell you that I am sick. Again. Ughh.

I'll be back tomorrow.

Easy mount, my ass!

Well, I think that title is a good example of the importance of the comma.

Today I installed a new garbage disposal. Easy mount it said. Hah!

First we let the disposal age properly in the box in our dining room. After determining this afternoon that it had aged the minimum required amount of time I decided today was the day. No freaking way I was going to pay someone $450 to put it in for me!

I had to remove the existing plug from it and hard wire it to the existing wiring. That went OK, although it took two calls to my Dad to make sure I was doing it right. No smoke or sparks, so all is good.

The real pisser was hooking up the drain pipe. The new disposal is bigger than the old one so the pipes didn't line up. After a trip to Lowe's for additional pipes (thanks Rich) I managed to get it all connected. Only one connection leaked, but I was able to tighten that up with some plumbers putty.

It works! It took me twice as long as I expected it to, but it works!

Isn't it beautiful!

I had a couple helpers during the process. Noah started out helping, but quickly became bored and annoyed me enough that I sent him outside to play. And yes, I know that is exactly what he wanted.

Thor actually proved to be more help than Noah. At least he was quiet and appeared thoughtful.

Rich helped with the last part this evening by holding the flashlight, but then he blew it by farting and stinking up the area when I couldn't move. Ass hole.

I figured by installing it today I not only saved the plumbers fee, but I also saved money by not hanging out online and being tempted by Black Friday deals.

A study in Thanksgiving Day Repose

I hope your Thanksgiving is as satisfying!

Pie day! Pie day! - Best Damn Apple Pie recipe

What is the day before Thanksgiving? Why, It's PIE DAY! 

Apple Pie cooling on the windowsill. (OK, not really, it's on the counter.) 

Pumpkin Pie baking in the oven!

Every surface in the kitchen, including the floor and the front of my shirt, covered in flour. Where the hell did that house keeper disappear to?

Last year I gave you the recipes for my favorite pumpkin pie and pie crust.

This year it is for my favorite apple pie recipe, what I like to call the Best Damn Apple Pie. I repeated the pie crust recipe below because I love you.

Best Damn Apple Pie

Ingredients

• Butter Flaky Pie Crust recipe below x2
• 1/2 cup unsalted butter
• 3 tablespoons all-purpose flour
• 1/8 cup water
• 1/2 cup white sugar
• 1/2 cup packed brown sugar
• 1 to 2 teaspoonful(s) cinnamon
• 1/2 to 1 teaspoonful nutmeg 
•  apples - peeled, cored and sliced, enough to over fill your pie pan

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (220 degrees C). Melt the butter in a saucepan. Stir in flour to form a paste. Add water, white sugar, brown sugar, and spices and bring to a boil, then simmer until a thick syrup forms.
2. Mix your apples with the sugar syrup from step 1.
3. Place the bottom crust in your pan. Fill with the syrup coated apples, mounded slightly. 
4. Cover with the top crust.
5. Bake 60 minutes or until apples are soft.

This year I tried brushing it with an egg wash and dusting it with sugar crystals. I need a better pastry brush, but I think it gave it a nice rustic appearance.

Butter Flaky Pie Crust

Ingredients

• 1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 cup butter, frozen
• 1/4 cup ice water

A good pie crust is all about technique. 

1. Combine the flour and salt. Then grate the frozen butter into the flour with a cheese grater. 

Freezing, then grating the butter, is the key. The little bits of frozen butter are what makes the crust so flaky. After grating in the butter work quickly, because you don't want the butter to get soft.

2. Add the ice water a tablespoonful at a time and mix in until the mixture forms a ball. Do not be tempted to add too much water! Do not over work the dough!

3. If you've worked fast enough and the butter is still frozen you can roll out the crust now. If not, refrigerate it for a couple hours. It will roll out much easier if you have planned ahead and can refrigerate it.

I've also found that when you need enough dough for a top and bottom crust, it is better to make the recipe twice, rather than double it.

Try not to overwork the dough when you roll it out. And keep it cold. I used to roll mine out on parchment paper but I found it always stuck because bits of the butter would soften. Then the parchment would tear. Then I would get frustrated and let fly with a few F bombs. This year I tried rolling it out on a silicone pastry sheet and dusted it liberally (along with my floors and counters) with flour so it didn't stick. It rolled out like a dream. I'll let you know if it changes the texture or taste of the finished product.

The true magic ingredient in my pie crust is my great-grandmother Ninin's rolling pin. And since I'm not giving that up, I can't exactly guarantee your crust will turn out as awesome as mine. If you follow my instructions I bet it will still turn out pretty damn good. 

Happy Thanksgiving!