A book, a co-worker, and some perspective.

One of the benefits of being part of the Silicon Valley Moms Group besides writing for the Philly Moms Blog is that I have the opportunity to participate in their book club. We don't review the book per se, but write a blog post inspired by the book.

This month we read I Am Nujood, Age 10 and Divorced (you can read a synopsis here). And I have been flat out struggling to write about it for the last two weeks. Because I can't even begin to relate to a life like Nujood and so many other girls and women live in countries like Yemen. 

And then I had several talks with Hala*, a woman from Saudi Arabia that is spending a year doing a fellowship with the organization I work for. She is this intelligent, strong woman that is just thriving during her experience here. Unfortunately, I haven't taken enough time to talk with her about her life and what it is like for her living in a Muslim country.

The fact is I am ashamedly ignorant about the Middle East and Islamic life in general. 

So reading I am Nujood and the brief talks I have had with Hala have been eye opening. And confirmed that I am damn lucky to have the life I have.

One day Hala overheard me talking about how not only was my eye twitching but so was my upper lip. She expressed concern and I told her it was probably just stress. So she asked me what was going on. I told her about Noah and how the day before he had climbed out on to the roof outside his bedroom window and thought he would jump off to get outside (thankfully the neighbors saw him and urged him back inside). She asked me more questions and I told her about Noah's history and our adoption of him and what he is struggling with now. And how hard we fight to get him the right doctors and therapies and all the other services he needs.

And she sighed and said "you are so lucky." Which admittedly took me by surprise, because I don't think anyone has ever told me I was lucky; they always say Noah was lucky. To which I usually respond, "no, we were the lucky ones." So yes, to have something that I have heard over and over for seven years turned around like that caught me by surprise.

Hala went on to tell me that in her country there really isn't such a thing as adoption due to their religious laws. If you want a child and can't have one yourself adopting from another country like we did really isn't an option. 

I asked her what a couple would do if they couldn't have children and she kind of shrugged and said you enjoy your nieces and nephews.

A couple days later Hala asked me how things were going and I told her about the struggles we were having with our insurance company to get Noah wraparound services for the summer. And she told me again that we were lucky, because in her country they are only starting to acknowledge autism. And forget mental health treatment, that is a huge stigma. 

I asked her what parents did when their child was autistic or bipolar or had some other type of emotional problem. And she told me they usually end up locked in a room, cared for, but an embarassment.

And then just the other day she saw that I had a new picture up on my wall that Noah had painted. I mentioned that I was hoping to get him some therapeutic art classes this summer if I could swing it in our budget. She told me that her niece is quite artistic, but because of their religion she can't take formal art classes and it isn't encouraged. 

Talk about giving me a dose of perspective!

I needed to hear those things from Hala, and read I am Nujood. And I needed it right when it happened, as I was struggling and frustrated and eye-twitchingly stressed about Noah and summer camp and his teacher not agreeing with his doctor and insurance companies, etc. etc..

I needed a reminder that as much as it sucks that Noah has to live with a wonkily-wired brain, and that I have to fight for almost every step along the path of treatment for him, I am lucky that I live HERE, in the US, in a country where I can get him help.

It doesn't make it less stressful. It doesn't stop me from worrying about the next step, or next year, or how life will be for him as a teenager. But, at least I know I have something to fight for for him. That no matter what I have to do to get it for him, I will find a way to get it, because I can.

And no one is ever going to make either of my boys marry someone they don't choose.

I want to learn more about Islam and life, the real life not the politics, of the Middle East. I can thank Nujood and Hala for inspiring me to do that.

This post was inspired by the book I Am Nujood, Age 10 and Divorced and is part of the Silicon Valley Moms Group book club.

* Not her real name.

Like I really needed a hole in my head...

I feel like I've lost my writing mojo lately. 

Apparently most of it was contained in my bottom left rear molar. 

This molar. 

The molar that was removed three weeks ago.

At first I was in too much pain to write. Because I felt like this:

And was doing some of this.

OK, a lot of that.

Because...

nataliedee.com

Pain peoples, pain!

The pain is gone, but the hole is still there. 

And, I'm still looking for my writing mojo. I'll be back as soon as I find it!

If you can't wait, I think I forgot to tell you I wrote a little something here a few weeks ago.

My boy Chummy

For a while Kiel has been saying "chummy" or "chumny" but we had no idea what it meant. At times it seemed more of an all purpose word.

Well for the last couple weeks Rich and I have been contemplating that he might be using it when he was referring to Noah. He has never said "Noah" although he mastered the word "NO" well over a year ago.

Earlier this week we clearly heard Kiel say "Chummy no, my toy" when Noah was trying to look at something Kiel was holding. Since then its been very clear that Chummy is what he calls Noah. And of course we think it is adorable, as does Noah.

I don't think any one of us would mind if this name sticks!

In other Kiel news it just fascinates me watching him play. He is so deliberate with what he is doing. He really plays and interacts with his toys. It is so different from when Noah played at this age, when all he did was throw and destroy.

Mother's Day

Mothers Day always brings up a myriad of emotions for me. I wrote about some of them on the Philly Moms Blog, so go! Read! Come back!

What I didn't do more than touch on there was how Mother's Day is a reminder of our journey through infertility. A reminder that what many people take for granted, pregnancy, is a land unto itself to others. A personal hell in many ways.

This movie moved me. If you are dealing with IF or have in the past you will understand. If you aren't but know someone who is, watch this.

What IF? A Portrait of Infertility from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

There are times when I ache for another child. I loved being pregnant and the newborn period. I so want to do it again. But it isn't to be for us, for many reasons, not just the IF issues.

So now that I've brought everyone to tears, let me just wish all of you Mom's, Mom's to be, Mom's in spirit, Mom's in heart, a happy Mother's Day full of whatever your heart desires.

My karate kid! Or Noah ninja style.

A couple weeks ago Noah promoted from his junior white belt to yellow belt.

 Sitting like a black belt!

Standing at attention (almost).

Student creed number one.

 Mommy didn't get there in time to get a seat in front, therefore all the pictures from the back. Mommy also needs a new camera, because it can't possibly be her poor photo skilz that caused such crappy pictures.

 Congrats from Mr. M.

(And no, he's really not a vampire.)

 Yellow belt!

The next day Noah participated in the Action Karate Spring Tournament.

 Waiting with Kiel.

 Performing his kata.

 "chamber"

 "asah!"

 and bow!

And a third place trophy, which he refused to take a picture with.

After everyone performed their kata and trophies were given, it was time to do their combination moves. A combination move for his age/group is a combination of three moves. Each child was allowed to do two combinations.

Noah had little to no interest in actually practicing before the tournament. I persuaded him to do his kata with me a few times, but he refused to practice the combination moves. He didn't even want to talk about what to expect. Going in to the tournament I had no idea how he was going to do. I pretty much expected a train wreck to be honest. I figured it would be a learning experience for him. I was pleasantly surprised at how well he did do with his kata.

Now, when it came to doing his combination moves I was on edge. I had no idea what he was going to do and if he even knew what he was supposed to do. I saw him carefully watch all the other kids as they did their moves. He was one of the last to perform so I hoped as he watched he was figuring it out.

Well let me tell you, that boy stood up when it was his turn. Took his place and with utter confidence did his thing. I was amazed. The judges were amazed. The other parents were amazed.

My boy stood up there in front of everyone and pulled out every karate ninja move he knew. Instead of doing two combination sets he went all out. 

It was complete free-form Noah ninja out there.

It was incredible.

Beyond incredible.

And then he amazed us all by ending with a back/shoulder spin (think 80's break dance).

Go Noah! Go Noah!

And that my friends is what keeps me going. I don't care if it wasn't what he was supposed to do. And it was a little hard to see his disappointment when he didn't receive a trophy, because he was sure he had done the best moves of anyone. You should have seen his face actually when they awarded the 2nd place trophy and it wasn't to him, he was so sure they were going to call his name for the 1st place trophy he was practically walking up to get it before it was announced.

I am just kicking myself that I didn't get it on tape. It was beyond amazing! It still almost brings me to tears (of the hysterical kind) when I think about it. God I love that boy!

I called my karate instructor a vampire, and other news.

A couple weeks ago my karate instructor asked me if I'd write up a short testimonial about my experience that he could share with the moms of his younger students in conjunction with a Mothers Day promotion he is doing.

Of course I said sure and then promptly forgot about it until I started to see him promoting a free month of training for moms last week. And then I felt obligated to put pen to paper, or fingers to laptop in my case, and make him proud!

I figured if I was going to inspire anyone to start training I needed to be honest about my experience. And insert a little humor, because frankly, that's how I roll.

So I started out my testimonial by saying my instructor was a vampire. And then I wrote about almost dying, falling on my face, and my leaky bladder. Oh hell, you can go here and read a somewhat beefed up version I wrote for the Philly Moms Blog, because I was struggling to get something in for them too by the end of the month.

The testimonial that I sent him starts with "Don't tell him I said this, but I'm pretty sure Mr. M is a vampire."

I ended the actual testimonial with: "So I want to thank Mr. M for glamoring me into starting and then sticking with it. And Miss S for letting me get all emotional on her and giving me the extra help I needed to catch up. And Mr. C. for letting me beat up on him when I really needed to practice my self-defense on a person other than my husband. And for all the other adults in the class who have taken the time to help me and teach me and most importantly encourage me!

So come on Moms! If this Mom can do it you can too!"

Instead of how I ended it on PMB with the bit about the fat girl in class and how my husband better not wake me up in the morning poking me with Mr. Happy. So I'm not a total idiot. At least I know what is better to put out on the internetz for everyone to see, versus what I should just email to my instructor. banging head on table

But I'm starting to think based on the lack of response from my instructor that perhaps he was looking for a more traditional testimonial and not one in which he was referred to as a vampire. Especially since the testimonials he has been sending out every day via email are much more traditional, and shockingly not a single one of them mentions that he is a vampire.

Oooppss....

So in other news:

I earned my purple belt two weeks ago, so I am now an intermediate level karate student. The kata I am learning right now is called "mass attack." Which basically means "stay away from me bitches, because I can hurt you!"

Noah earned his junior level yellow belt and participated in a tournament. I really need to tell you all about that because he rocked out on his combination moves all ninja style. 

And I have a review and giveaway up here for Zestra. An arousal enhancing oil that helps heat things up in the nether regions (or in my case the frankenvulva). There I compare sex to a bus ride. So go there and enter to win! If you leave a comment there with the secret code phrase "your karate instructor is a vampire" I'll give you an extra entry! Shhhh...that will be our little secret!

  

Tonight we found our cat had peed in Kiels box of Matchbox cars. Fortunately Rich found it. And the rule in this house is "you smelt it, you dealt it."

My right eyelid and right upper lip have started twitching lately. I think I'm a little stressed, especially as we fight for the services we need for Noah this summer. We have four meetings in the next two weeks alone that have to do with this, and I'm sure there will be more. 

Fortunately I am not super busy at work right now, so the fact that some of this personal stuff is encroaching into work hours isn't a big deal. 

And with that I leave you to ponder if you will, how I should handle my next meeting with Mr. M.  Hair up off my neck perhaps?

Should the mother of a special needs child have a career?

We've all heard the term work-life balance. 

SAHM, WAHM, or WOHM we all play a balancing act between being a Mom and having something in our life that is our own.

In my case I'm balancing having a family, having a career, and trying to find the time to do the writing I love and the karate that is good for me. Of course being a mom and wife is the biggest chunk of this, but there are times when a deadline at work threatens to tip the scale. Or when a writing commitment I've made takes over a Sunday afternoon.

I am very lucky though. I have a husband that is more than just supportive of my career and my hobbies. He actively encourages me to succeed in both. I also work for a company, and have a boss, that is very understanding of my needs as a mother, and the extra stress of having a special needs child. Honestly, sometimes I get a little teary eyed when I think about just how lucky I am in this regard.

And I need to remind myself of this, because sometimes its the outside pressures that make me forget how lucky I am.

Recently I've felt an incredible (sometimes implied, sometimes direct) pressure from the mental health/special needs community that as the mom of a special needs child I should not be working. The system isn't set up to work outside of the traditional 9 to 5 hours and I am expected to fit our schedule and needs into those hours. 

Finding a therapist to see us in the evening is nearly impossible. And while Rich also has some flexibility with his schedule and we share the responsibility of covering sick days, and teacher in-service days, I'm enough of a micro-manager that I just can't NOT be at every doctor and therapist appointment. 

But again, I'm lucky because my work is so flexible. 

What has really made me feel this pressure lately though is trying to arrange summer camp for Noah this year. We would like him to go to the same camp he attended last summer since it is close and he enjoyed it. The problem is that they require him to have a TSS with him at all times since it is a camp for "typical" kids and the counselors aren't trained to deal with his extreme behaviors. The problem with this is that the insurance company is unlikely to approve the amount of TSS hours we need so he can go every day and keep a schedule somewhat consistent with the days he has during the school year. Which is also necessary for me to go to keep a similar work schedule

Our second choice is a special needs/social skills camp that theoretically should be better equipped to handle his needs, but because of his impulsiveness they aren't sure they will accept him. They have suggested we send him to their half day (9-noon) program. 

Which would be great, except that I have a job! And even if he attends their full day program it is going to be approximately 3 hours of driving a day for me to get him to and from camp every day and then me to and from work.

And that means I change my 6-hour four-day a week schedule to a five-hour five-day a week schedule. And that means I have to send Kiel to day care every day, instead of four days a week. And frankly, I am not OK with that.

But that may be a mute point because they probably aren't going to accept him into their program anyway, which is another blog post completely, because you better believe that pisses me off.

So that brings us back to the "typical" camp and the need for TSS coverage. There is a possibility that the insurance company will deny our request for a TSS and tell us that if he needs full-time support, a typical camp is not the right environment for him. And if they say that, they are under no obbligation (as it has been explained to me anyway) to provide us with an alternative placement. 

The insurance company could also come back to us and deny full-time support but give us fewer hours. Which puts us in a similar position as the special needs camp, because again, if he can only attend part-time what the hell am I supposed to do with my JOB?

I do honestly love my job, and I've said it before on here, I just don't think I would be a good stay at home mom. I am seriously lacking in patience and home making skills for a start. I am however very good at my job. And having a job helps me be a better parent. Not to mention me having a job is what allows us to pay for the psychiatrist that doesn't accept insurance, the therapists that don't accept insurance, and the extracurricular's like soccer and karate. 

Oh yeah, and summer camp. Which is damn expensive. 

So right now, despite feeling like in general I have accomplished a pretty good work-life balance, when it comes to getting my son what he needs I'm pretty much damned if I do, and damned if I don't. 

This post was inspired by the book JUST LET ME LIE DOWN by Kristin van Ogtrop and is part of the Silicon Valley Moms Group book club.

Two great giveaways going on at the MNT Review blog!

$50 LikeWear giveaway! Plus a discount code! They have really fun kids t-shirts. So come on over to my review blog and enter! Your odds are good right now!

I'm also giving away an 18x24 poster print sponsored by Uprinting.com. Shipping is included! You provide your picture and they turn it into an awesome poster! Enter the giveaway here!

I made the papers! And not because I was arrested or found running around the neighborhood nekkid!

Just in case you missed it, my latest Philly Moms Blog post, Return Receipt Requested?. I tackled the issue of the Russian boy that was "sent back" to Russia by the woman that adopted him last September. I'm very excited because it was one of two SVMG posts that was picked up by the McClatchy Company and syndicated in their 30 daily newspapers last Monday. To say I was excited is an understatement.

I also want to link to the post Parents Need Advocacy Too on the DC Metro Moms Blog, which is my inspiration for what I think will be my next post on PMB.

I'm alive, really!

Yikes, it's been over two weeks since I've posted! I've been a little crazyer than normal the last couple weeks just catching up on work and other writing commitments, not to mention the laundry and cleaning the bathrooms and just general mom/wife stuff! I even made a meatloaf recently! I know...I am rockin' this mom shit! 

Then I had a fun episode of strep throat thanks to the giving nature of my 7-year-old last week, and since I'm a big baby when I'm sick I got even more behind in everything. But I did get totally addicted to Virtual Villagers 4: The Tree of Life while I was lazing in bed, too weak to do anything but move my finger on the touch pad between naps.

I have a big deadline at work this week, then I should be able to breathe again. But in the meantime here is a little bit of what's been going on:

Two weeks ago Thor ran out the door on a rainy night and didn't immediately come back inside once he realized his little paws were getting wet. He spent that rainy night and the next miserable rainy day outside. When the sun came out again on day three he still wasn't home. We all freaked out and spent several hours walking the neighborhood and surrounding woods looking for him. We also put up 65 fliers around the neighborhood. 

We have awesome neighbors and one of them found him romping happily at the edge of the woods about two blocks away. He didn't seem all that happy to be home and I'd bet money he scored some kitty smack while he was gone, because he was pretty goofy. We've managed to keep him close to home since then, but I'm not holding my breath that he isn't going to try this again. Teenagers...ughh

Noah had strep throat, Rich stayed home with him for a day, then I got sick and spent four days in bed, because (see above) me = big baby.

I wrote this on the Philly Moms Blog.

And the post I wrote before that was one of the SVMG's Hot Posts of the Week.

I have some new reviews and giveaways up on MNT Review Blog here and here. And have two more to get up in the next couple days.

Earlier this week I dragged Rich and the boys with me to a blogger event hosted by MomSelect and Energizer to launch their Energizer Recharge Smart Charger and announce their "Kids Take Charge" video contest. The contest goes live tomorrow, so as soon as I have a link to it I'll post it here.

Yesterday I attended a mom blogger seminar sponsored by MomSpace. It was awesome! And I finally got to meet the gorgeous and super genuine Joey Fortman, who is going to be my new best friend, I just know it! And if not I'll just stalk her and pretend she is, until the restraining order takes effect anyway. And, Shannon from Chester County Moms, and one of the moderators of the event, absolutely made my day when she came up to me at the end of the morning and introduced herself. She's been a regular commenter on my blog and on Twitter and goofy me didn't put two and two together when she was up in front of all of us doing an amazing job keeping the panel on track!


Noah started spring soccer today and also has his academy soccer going on for another 5 or 6 weeks as well.

And, Noah and I will both be promoting to our next belt rank in karate this week! More about that soon.  

OK, you are now caught up on life in the MNT household. I'll be back soon with more fascinating blog posts, so consider yourself warned! Because at least one is about sex and one is about the frankenvulva, and they aren't even related!