Thinking out loud

I love my job. Really!

It's often stressful. Occasionally tedious. But mostly it pushes me and makes me want to learn more and become even better at what I do. I am able to meld my love of science and my need for creativity. The really cool thing is that part of what I do is so unique that I'm only one of a few people in the country (maybe the world) that has the knowledge and ability to do it. (Yes, I'm being intentionally vague, sorry.) 

I'm incredibly lucky to do something I'm passionate about that still allows me the flexibility to be home with the kids when they need me. I'm home to get Noah on the bus and then back home to get him off in the afternoon.

I'm allowed tons of flexibility if I need it and have a boss that not only respects me but that I know values me and trusts me.

I doubt I'd have a problem getting another job where I make a shit load more money, but I can't imagine I could find one that is as flexible or understanding as where I am now. Or where I would have the resources that I have now or the amazing people that I work with. Or is only ten minutes away from where I live.

I'm also lucky that I rarely have to travel. Occasionally I have to go to DC for an FDA meeting or drive to see one of our local clients. I've flown in and out of Chicago in a day a couple times. There are two or three international conferences a year that I could go to, but because of the kids I have chosen not to (the last one was in Athens, Greece - that was hard to turn down). While my boss would like me to go to some of these, she understands that 1) I don't like to be away from the boys for more than a day or two, and 2) when I am away it creates a scheduling nightmare for Rich because of Noah's school schedule and his work schedule. And 3) parenting Noah is stressful and exhausting with two of us, with just one of us for more than a couple days it is beyond tough. The few times one of us has had to go away we usually have to get a baby sitter, which of course costs money. For just a day or two its doable, but beyond that... Well, lets just say the budget is tight right now, in large part because of Noah's therapy and doctor bills.

Today my boss told me there is a week long training program she wants me to go to this summer in Minnesota. It would definitely be useful for what I do and would significantly increase my knowledge in this area.

But, to be gone for a week would be a logistical nightmare for Rich. And would be intensely stressful. And would cost us several hundred dollars in babysitting fees, when we are already paying for summer camp at that time for Noah and daycare for Kiel.

And more importantly, I really don't think I could be away from Kiel for that long. I don't even know how to explain it, but he and I are so connected that I think I would be just as miserable as he would be to be apart like that.

So missing my kids aside, if theoretically doing something like this is going to cost me close to half of what my take home pay is for the week, does it make sense?

I know my boss can ask me to go and that the company has no responsibility to help me with baby sitting expenses. I'm sure I could also say that I can't go, although that wouldn't be the most prudent thing to do for my career.

I guess I'm just thinking out loud here. Feel free to throw out any ideas you might have on how to figure this out so it doesn't end up costing us money, and more importantly, Rich isn't put through hell for a week.

Just remember we have no family that can help out and unless things change in the next six months, Noah doesn't have friends that are local that he could spend time with either.

Should the mother of a special needs child have a career?

We've all heard the term work-life balance. 

SAHM, WAHM, or WOHM we all play a balancing act between being a Mom and having something in our life that is our own.

In my case I'm balancing having a family, having a career, and trying to find the time to do the writing I love and the karate that is good for me. Of course being a mom and wife is the biggest chunk of this, but there are times when a deadline at work threatens to tip the scale. Or when a writing commitment I've made takes over a Sunday afternoon.

I am very lucky though. I have a husband that is more than just supportive of my career and my hobbies. He actively encourages me to succeed in both. I also work for a company, and have a boss, that is very understanding of my needs as a mother, and the extra stress of having a special needs child. Honestly, sometimes I get a little teary eyed when I think about just how lucky I am in this regard.

And I need to remind myself of this, because sometimes its the outside pressures that make me forget how lucky I am.

Recently I've felt an incredible (sometimes implied, sometimes direct) pressure from the mental health/special needs community that as the mom of a special needs child I should not be working. The system isn't set up to work outside of the traditional 9 to 5 hours and I am expected to fit our schedule and needs into those hours. 

Finding a therapist to see us in the evening is nearly impossible. And while Rich also has some flexibility with his schedule and we share the responsibility of covering sick days, and teacher in-service days, I'm enough of a micro-manager that I just can't NOT be at every doctor and therapist appointment. 

But again, I'm lucky because my work is so flexible. 

What has really made me feel this pressure lately though is trying to arrange summer camp for Noah this year. We would like him to go to the same camp he attended last summer since it is close and he enjoyed it. The problem is that they require him to have a TSS with him at all times since it is a camp for "typical" kids and the counselors aren't trained to deal with his extreme behaviors. The problem with this is that the insurance company is unlikely to approve the amount of TSS hours we need so he can go every day and keep a schedule somewhat consistent with the days he has during the school year. Which is also necessary for me to go to keep a similar work schedule

Our second choice is a special needs/social skills camp that theoretically should be better equipped to handle his needs, but because of his impulsiveness they aren't sure they will accept him. They have suggested we send him to their half day (9-noon) program. 

Which would be great, except that I have a job! And even if he attends their full day program it is going to be approximately 3 hours of driving a day for me to get him to and from camp every day and then me to and from work.

And that means I change my 6-hour four-day a week schedule to a five-hour five-day a week schedule. And that means I have to send Kiel to day care every day, instead of four days a week. And frankly, I am not OK with that.

But that may be a mute point because they probably aren't going to accept him into their program anyway, which is another blog post completely, because you better believe that pisses me off.

So that brings us back to the "typical" camp and the need for TSS coverage. There is a possibility that the insurance company will deny our request for a TSS and tell us that if he needs full-time support, a typical camp is not the right environment for him. And if they say that, they are under no obbligation (as it has been explained to me anyway) to provide us with an alternative placement. 

The insurance company could also come back to us and deny full-time support but give us fewer hours. Which puts us in a similar position as the special needs camp, because again, if he can only attend part-time what the hell am I supposed to do with my JOB?

I do honestly love my job, and I've said it before on here, I just don't think I would be a good stay at home mom. I am seriously lacking in patience and home making skills for a start. I am however very good at my job. And having a job helps me be a better parent. Not to mention me having a job is what allows us to pay for the psychiatrist that doesn't accept insurance, the therapists that don't accept insurance, and the extracurricular's like soccer and karate. 

Oh yeah, and summer camp. Which is damn expensive. 

So right now, despite feeling like in general I have accomplished a pretty good work-life balance, when it comes to getting my son what he needs I'm pretty much damned if I do, and damned if I don't. 

This post was inspired by the book JUST LET ME LIE DOWN by Kristin van Ogtrop and is part of the Silicon Valley Moms Group book club.

A post where I rock the honesty, and fear the fall out.

Alternately titled "WOHM, WAHM, SAHM, bamm...thank you ma'am"

If you are looking for the Wall Graphic giveaway go here.

If you are looking for the Zhu Zhu pets giveaway go here.

I changed my work schedule so I can be home in the afternoon when Noah gets home from school. Now he doesn't have to go to the aftercare program and we don't have to worry about getting approval and coverage for his TSS hours.

I also thought after the stress of our evenings last year since we didn't all get home until 5:30pm or later, then had to get dinner, do homework, and get the boys to bed (Kiel at 7pm and Noah by 8pm) that this would make life easier for all of us.

It means I'm going into the office one more day a week, but I leave by 3pm to be home to meet Noah's bus.

I'm going to say right here and now, and I am NOT being one bit patronizing, that I have a whole shitload of respect for full time WOHM's, WAHM's and SAHM's. I do not have the patience or temperament to stay home with my kids full time. The chances are that if I had to stay home with my boys for an extended period of time that my already fragile sanity would break completely. If I had to work full time nothing would get done around the house at all and my stress level would be even higher.

When you have kids I don't think being a "full time" anything is easy, it's not to say you might not love it, I just don't think it is easy. And when you have to worry about other mom's criticizing your decisions, or thinking what they do is harder than what you do, well, it just makes it worse.

I have been incredibly lucky that my job, and our finances, allow me to work part time and have a fairly flexible schedule. We are even luckier that our daycare (one of the employee benefits of the hospital my husband works for) is teh awesome! Both my boys love(d) it and thrive(d) there. They both have the temperament that makes it easy for them to be in a group setting like that (well, maybe saying easy isn't the right word with Noah, but he always enjoyed it and went with a smile on his face). And the staff are all wonderful! So any guilt I may feel about working or not working has nothing to do with daycare.

I'm not even sure the last three paragraphs are necessary for this post, but for some reason I felt the need to say them. Probably because I fear anyone getting all judgy on me and the decisions our family has made. Which is ridiculous I know, but I do, so I did.

Anyway....the point of this is that I changed my schedule and now I'm home every day so Noah can ride the bus home and we can go to karate class, or therapy appointments (which I'm trying to find and figure out still) and have time to do homework and get dinner, and maybe even clean the house ha ha ha ha ha.

And you know what? I kind of hate it so far. Like to the point of crying a few days as I'm driving home because I'm dreading it, then feeling guilty that I'm dreading being with my own son, and playing the pity game because why is it I have to make all the "sacrifices."

And oh my god, Martyr Complex much?

Seriously.

Adding to all of these muddied up feelings I'm having is that once I decided to make this change, and started to put the pieces into place to do it, I started to have fantasies of a "June Cleaver" afternoon.

Picture this: me greeting Noah at the bus with a big hug and an "I missed you son" and hearing from him "I missed you too mom, I love you, you are the best mommy ever," then coming inside to fresh baked cookies and a glass of milk waiting for him at the table, talking about his day, and then effortlessly moving into homework time which he did with a smile and little assistance from me as I started dinner. Then after his homework was done and he puts everything back in his backpack ready for tomorrow he asked what he could do during "help mommy" time. And again, with a smile he would take out the trash, or water the plants, or clean the toilets. And then I'd let him watch a little TV while I finished making a nutritious dinner that everyone will eat. Rich would get home with Kiel and soon after we would all sit down to our nutritious dinner that everyone will eat and talk about our days.

Bwahhahahahahahahahhaaa

OK, are you done laughing yet?

Imagine my surprise when it didn't exactly go like that.

Instead: I greet Noah at the bus, the bus driver waves me over and tells me Noah has been spitting at the other kids. Noah tells me he only received 46 behavior points out of the 60 he could get because he hit a kid at recess and was rude and defiant with his teachers. I ask him to pick up his backpack and come inside with me so we can have a snack and he starts to whine that he wants to play outside. I tell him that after snack and homework (which seriously, if he would just sit his butt down and do would take all of ten minutes) we can come back outside and play. He whines some more and says he's not hungry, that his stomach hurts because it is still full from lunch. I say that's fine, we don't have to eat snack, but we do have to do homework. He stomps inside, throws his backpack down, and refuses to come to the kitchen table. When I do get him there, where I have a bowl of pretzels and some juice waiting, he refuses to actually sit down. I take away a smiley from his token board and he gets mad. He starts to knock things off the table, then he kicks some things in the family room. I tell him he has a choice, he can come to the table and do his homework and earn his smiley back,  then we will go outside and play, or he can go up to his room and take a nap. He gets angrier. He throws things. His speech starts to race and he complains. And then he gets really mad, picks up his glass of juice and throws it across the kitchen floor. Then he stomps up to his room, throwing and kicking things in his way and slams the door.  I let him stay there until Rich comes home, because ohmyfuckinggod, I might kill him.

Understand why I'd rather be at work? Because that was an actual afternoon last week.*

I'm insightful enough (sometimes) to realize that if I come into this with a bad attitude Noah is going to pick up on it. I do realize that to get him to change his behavior I need to change mine. I also realize that change can be hard. And I'm making a lot of changes at once. So I'm trying to cut myself some slack and not beat myself up when I slip and fall back into my old reactive ways.

But damn, most afternoons, I'd rather be at work.

*Yes, we are doing a new behavior program, and I will have my new blog up soon where I'll be talking about it. It is helping, but clearly, not enough yet.

Big brother is watching?

You may have noticed I've been absent for a couple weeks.

Turns out my boss was told about my blog by one of my coworkers. It's a somewhat involved story that involves some things I said on Twitter referencing the insanity going on in our office at the time. It was taken far more seriously than I ever intended and I regret that it upset my coworker. A lapse of judgment on my part.

However...instead of talking to me about it, she told our boss. And my boss read this blog. And then they confronted me with it. And they were very upset about the three (maybe four?, but I think it was three) twit's I had written. And I feel like I'm back in high school.

What I find most upsetting is that my coworker knew I didn't want anyone else in our office to know about, or read, my blog. I feel betrayed by her, and have lost a significant amount of trust in our relationship.

During that conversation I asked them if they would please respect my privacy and not read my blog. That it was my one place to let out some stress and it was not something I wanted to share with them. Admittedly, I can't "forbid" them to read it as its out in the public domain, but I asked that they try to understand my need for a safe place. And its not like I talk about work on my blog very often. In fact, I've never identified where I work at all. They told me they understood and wouldn't read it anymore.

Well, imagine my surprise (not) when I checked my site stats today and it appears that they have both been here in the last couple days. In fact, my coworker was here just this evening.

So...what do I do now? I really don't want to go password protected because I want to be able to share what I have to say with other parents with similar issues. I like knowing my words are being read, but I prefer they be kept anonymous unless I choose to share them. The only other option I can think of is to move this blog to a new location, with new names and identifiers. Sounds like a giant pain in the ass to me, but if I want to regain my anonymity I suppose its my best choice.

I'm not sure when I'll have a chance to do this, but if you want to continue to follow my journey, please email me and I'll share with you my new location when I figure this all out. If you have ideas for a new blog name email those to me as well.

In the mean time, if they return again, I hope they get an idea of how hurt and betrayed I feel right now. I certainly learned a lesson...that there are people I can't trust the way I thought I could.

Telling and not telling

I've told a few people at work, mainly my boss, and three of my co-workers. Two of those co-workers have been involved and supportive of my efforts to conceive and both have had difficulties of their own, either getting pregnant or during their pregnancy. The other co-worker is the guy that is in the cube next to me (so he hears all my one conversations) and basically, he's just about the nicest guy I know. And I trust him. And, being the only guy in a group of women he hears far more than I'm sure he wants to know.

Just a little background on the company I work for. We have about 25 employees right now. I work for a smaller division of the larger organization that is made up of six employees (including me).

I have not told one of the women that is in my work group. This is for several reasons. 1) she's been rather nasty to me several times since last summer (it's a long story and I don't have time to go in to it right now, but basically her people skills suck). 2) We haven't spoken about anything personal in almost a year. 3) She's never had a single problem getting pregnant or during her pregnancies. 4) I don't trust her with something so emotional to me, especially if something goes wrong with this pregnancy.

So this morning, my boss came up to me and said she was thinking and that she thinks I need to tell her. That it's not fair that everyone else knows (meaning the four that I have told). She thinks this would be a good will gesture on my part and I should take the first step. I told her that I don't necessarily feel like being the better person with this. She isn't involved in my personal life and I don't feel like including her now. I will tell her when I'm ready to tell the rest of the office. Probably in two more weeks if things go well. I trust the people that I have already told, I don't trust her.

What do you guys think?

Work place woes

Have you ever worked with someone who is always right? Even though you’ve worked there twice as long as they have they seem to know more about how the company runs. And even though they can’t stand your boss and basically find fault in every thing she does, they seem to glory in “taking charge” when the boss is gone. And attempt to close you out of all the decision making that is going on, even though you happen to be in a good place with said boss at the time. And you f’ing know more than they do and have more experience! Or perhaps that’s why all this is going on.

And have you ever worked right next to someone, separated only by a cubicle wall, whose cell phone rings all day, even though they are only at their desk half the time. And all the calls are personal, from a wife who must not work, or the grown son or daughter who apparently can’t make a decision without this coworker? And the phone is f’ing loud! And pretty soon you are going to jump over the cubicle wall and shove said phone up said coworker’s ass?

And have you ever had the same coworker chew and swallow so loudly and grossly you want to vomit over the cubicle wall, right on to said coworkers annoying and loud cell phone? And has this coworker held all meetings with other employees in his f’ing cubicle, even though his meetings all seem to be with people who have their own f’ing office.

And have you ever had a cubicle close enough to the bathrooms where you have to confiscate every f’ing deodorizing spray because some people seem to think it has to be sprayed every f’ing time they enter the bathroom. And if you have to f’ing smell that god damn spray that gives you a migraine every time the “over sprayer” strikes, you will explode?

And have you ever been in a mood that lasts for weeks on end and you are afraid you may just implode from the anxiety?

And yippee yee hah, have you ever been in this mental place and know you get to start Lupron in a week? Yeah LH surge.

F’ing yeah.

**brought to you by the letter F**

Yeah, so perhaps my last post was a bit over the top. Although, honestly, I was feeling it last week. This week, somewhat better. As I got closer to my period my hormones seemed to even themselves out. I tend to forget how bad I can feel that last week of my cycle.

So, yesterday marks CD1. Another week or so and I start peeing on sticks. Whoohooo...count down to Lupron!

I just read a post here that references kids doing crafts with glitter glue. Which reminded me of the birthday party I took The Boy to yesterday. They had crafts, which TB had no interest in doing, until everyone else was done of course. Then all he wanted to do was glob on the glitter glue. It took all my self control not to try and direct him. Tell me, why is it so difficult to let kids just do things? Why do I always want him to do it "right?" And just who dictates what right is?

Hmmm...not as profound a post as I had been hoping for.

How about this one...Amazing Daddy just drove his mother home after an afternoon visit. I did everything I could to convince TB to go with him so I could have an hour or two to myself. then as soon as they are out the door I start to feel guilty, and then I'm half convinced they will be in a terrible accident and it will be all my fault because I wanted them gone for a while. I get this amazing sense of guilt and feeling that I can control fate from my mother. I got my depression and issues with food from her too. Thanks Mom, thanks so much for fucking me up.

Ohhhh...Here's a good one. I got very ballsy Friday and I asked my boss for a raise. I found out recently that the women i work with all make more than I do, even though I've been there longer than all but one. I was the only part timer until just a few months ago. It's a long story how I figured all this out, and even longer as to how it actually happened that I was being shorted. But, The Boss took it very well and is going to look in to it. If I am correct, I may be getting a several thousand dollar a year raise soon. Believe me it will be useful. Being the only budd of the boss right now is definitely a good thing. Although useful, the fact that I am sucks for the company because there is a lot of tension.

It was not an easy thing to do. I guess not many people find that an easy conversation to initiate. I had butterflies in my stomach all day. But I did it!
And now I'm sitting here watching a Lifetime movie enjoying my last few minutes of peace before the boys get home.

Maybe the only thing worse would be if I was a man!

Originally I wasn't going to talk about work on here, but considering no one reads my blog, I don't think it matters. What's a little venting among friends huh?

Although part of a larger organization, there are five of us that make up a separate company within it. Five women, consisting right now of two pregnant woman (one with twins, the other in her first trimester), one going through fertility treatments, one going through menopause (she'd be the one in charge) and me (fertility treatments - done that, pregnant - only if miracles exist, menopause - better be years away).

The truly scary part is that I may be the normal one among us right now. The only rational, clear headed, won't turn a molehill into a mountain, one of us.

Do I really need to say anything more? Men should fear us. There should be force fields up preventing anyone with the Y chromosome from entering our wing. Loud sirens should blare when we step away from our offices in to another part of the building.

Can you say WOMAN! Can you say HORMONAL! Can you say IRRATIONAL!!!!