Confessions of Mommy Needs Therapy

Hi, my name is Kristine. And I'm an addict.

To Bubble Spinner. That's why I haven't been around much lately. I can't stop playing this damn game!

In fact, just going to get the link I had to stop and give it a spin. I dare you. Give it a try.

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I fell today. Hard. Kind of on my left side. I have a big bruise on my left upper arm, and my wrist and knuckles hurt. I'm kind of embarrassed. Because I fell off my desk chair. While I was sitting on it. All I did was lean down to pick something up, and there I went. Slow motion fall. Ouch.

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I peed myself the other night. While I was watching TV.

Also, I'm a 12 year old boy.

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And this may have turned me on just a little bit.

check out the outtakes here.

My Shrink

I started seeing a psychiatrist a couple weeks ago. Well, I've seen her once, for about 30 minutes. At a meager cost of $250. Oy... It was a bit like you see in the movies. You enter one door and wait in a waiting room, she takes you in to her living room like office, then when it is over she escorts you out a different door. Oh so Hollywood.

She came well recommended and I felt comfortable with her and confident in her approach. I am starting a new antidepressant (slow taper up) and will eventually taper off the Zoloft I have been taking for 15 years. I started at 1/4 dose for a week and on Friday upped to 1/2 dose. I figure it will be at least two more weeks, if not longer, before I know if it is doing anything for me.

I'm hopeful. It's been a very long time since I've felt where I think I should be. Like I'm often close, just hovering underneath "normal," but never really there. It's going to be a real buzz kill if what I think is normal doesn't really exist.

So I see the psychiatrist again in a couple weeks, for a mere $100 med check. Here's to happier days ahead.

updates

Thanks to everyone for the supportive comments about the situation with my parents. It's so helpful to hear from others.

I'm still not sure how I'm going to handle it long term. For now my therapist has suggested I consider them to be in an extended time out. Considering they haven't even responded to an email telling them Kiel was in the hospital, I think that's more than warranted for now.

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On the illness front I spent Friday either hanging my head over the toilet or curled up in bed. The nausea only lasted about 12 hours fortunately. I spent another 36 hours in bed fighting a fever and massive headache. I'm feeling much better now though.

Kiel has diarrhea again. And a rash on his face and trunk. I'm pretty confident the rash is a viral rash and hope it is just the final remnant of his stomach virus. If it's not better tomorrow I'll take him to the pediatrician Tuesday. He seems to be feeling fine and is eating and drinking.

Right now he and Noah are chasing each other around the family room laughing and screaming. It still amazes me how much Noah likes playing with him. And how for the most part he's very good with Kiel. We've come a long way since the summer.

bodily function update

****************TMI alert***************

Mr. Poopy Pants has left the building. Yeah for no more diarrhea!

Unfortunately, after a two-year sabbatical, "Aunt Flo" decided to make a visit. This meant asking Kiel where he hid my stash of "products," which he likes to pilfer from my bathroom drawer and hide around the house.

The big breakup

**It's taken me close to a month to write this, for many reasons, but I want to finally get it out there**

I'm going to attempt to write this without getting too emotional and all "my parents suck...wah wah wah."

First I should say over all we had an awesome holiday. Christmas morning was so much fun with both boys. Just like I dreamed it would be! They loved everything. Noah was so excited and had as much fun with Kiel's gifts as his own. Kiel was just the happy baby he always is and played with everything. If I can find my camera soon I'll get some pictures up.

So, now for the heavy stuff.

We did indeed go visit my parents in Michigan. Rich really thought we should, and after the talk with my mom I was somewhat optimistic. We all agreed we needed to sit down after the boys were in bed one night and talk about how everyone was feeling.

We drove out there on the 27th. All day the 26th I had this feeling of dread and kept putting off packing and getting ready. But I gave myself a pep talk and by the next morning I was feeling optimistic and even a little excited.

Our drive out was pretty uneventful except for Noah getting a fever and Rich starting to feel sick about half way there. Noah's fever made him pretty low key for the drive though, and he wasn't feeling miserable, just tired and lethargic. He was actually really pleasant to be with. LOL I drove about half the way which is more than I usually do. We made it in 9 1/2 hours which is the best time we've ever made. Usually it is closer to 12 hours.

Rich and Noah were both sick for most of the visit. Rich with a bad cold and Noah with a fever. Noah's fever improved with acetaminophen and he felt pretty good during the day. It came back in the evening though. Which unfortunately was when my brother and his family were around or when my Dad was around the most.

For the most part Noah's behavior was pretty good. He had a few times where he acted like a brat. Mostly in the evening, and always when he had a fever. One time was kind of awful, as my brother and his family were there and we were exchanging Christmas presents. I just ignored Noah, then finally took him upstairs and got him changed in to his pajamas and calmed down. His behavior did suck, but in all fairness to him, he had a fever and we had made him wait for dinner for well over an hour past his usual time, then everyone took forever to eat and made him wait what seemed like an eternity to him I'm sure, until we opened presents.

I spent some time earlier that day talking with my sister in law about what was going on with Noah. I could tell she just didn't get it. She said very little when I talked about the PDD. I was telling her about how hard it was at soccer sometimes with the other parents and how they reacted to him. Her response was something along the lines of "well, every parent feels like they are being looked at."

So, fast forward to the evening of the third day we were there. Rich wanted to take Noah and two of my nephews to the movies. I asked my mom if she would watch Kiel so I could go to the movies too. She said yes, only somewhat reluctantly.

So we went to the movies and had a good time. We came back about 6:30pm and I went in the house first because I was anxious to see Kiel. My mom made a big deal about him napping in her arms for 2 hours and 40 minutes. Then she made some comment about me still sleeping with Kiel when he was in his marriage bed.

Noah and Rich came inside and my parents dog, a yappy, jumpy little Lhasa Apso named Derf started jumping up on Noah and kept saying "no" and pushing him away. Derf wouldn't stop and he eventually scratched Noah on the chest and Noah started crying.

My Dad blew a gasket and yelled at Noah and said "enough! get that boy out of here."

Rich and I were stunned. And then I was pissed.

I went over to my Dad, who turned to walk away from me. I grabbed his arm to turn him around and told him that it was not OK for him to yell at my children.

My Mom came over to me and started to yell about me respecting my dad.

Then my Dad went around and started taking down the baby gates and made a comment along the lines about it not being their responsibility to watch my children.

Rich and I just looked at each other and went upstairs and started packing. When we came downstairs with the first load I heard my mom say "here come the suitcases and tears."

My parents just sat in their chairs looking at the TV while we packed up the car. Then my mom said she wanted to say something to me. So I turned to look at her and she told me that "Noah would be a delightful child if you disciplined him" and some other comments along those lines.

The whole thing was just unreal. It blows my mind that my mother would think it was OK for my dad to yell at Noah because he was crying. And when I tried to call her on that all she would say was she loved her husband and she supported him. Clearly they have issues with me and with Noah and it all came out there.

I think they were relieved that we were leaving. Once we got a few hours away from them I know Rich and I were.

So we haven't heard from them since other than them sending us a suitcase that we forgot. I called to thank them for sending it to us and left a message as no one answered. I've sent them a couple emails but have not heard back from them on those either.

So there you have it. I think my parents and I broke up.

I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about it. I feel a little like an orphan actually. That and I'm incredible disappointed in them.

I don't see how we can visit them again. And I certainly don't want them to visit us. I can't purposely put my kids in that kind of situation.

And that my friends, is why I need therapy.

Too good not to share

Today while at the lab dropping off Mr. Poopy Pants fecal samples I sat next to a woman.

The woman was wearing white socks and black sandals. Well, she was on one foot anyway. The other foot she had in her lap, sock off, and was picking at her toe nails. Picking at her toe nails! I public!

I was speechless.

She asked me if I'd ever had an ingrown toenail.

I decided this was a conversation I didn't want to get in to, so I just shook my head.

Of course, I was the one sitting there with little vials of poop in my lap.

Mr. Poopy Pants

OK, I have a good reason for not being around for a bit. Really, I do.

And it involves poop. And puke. And more poop. Two weeks worth.

I have ALL the fun!

After a week of vomit and diarrhea Kiel ended up in the ER due to dehydration. They admitted him for the night because his electrolytes were all wacked out. He got IV fluids with some added potassium and perked up within a few hours.

It was a LONG night and not very comfortable for mommy. There were a few cute spots though, like when we first put him in the crib in the room. It was a big metal thing with metal bars and raised up so the mattress is high enough that doctors and nurses can work on a baby that is in it. Hospital cribs always remind me of elevated circus cages, kind of like this:


But without the man in the suit in it.

So anyway, when we first put Kiel inside it he busted up laughing. He just thought it was the funniest thing! He was all "Me? in a crib? Bwah hah haha!"

And then later, when he was feeling a little better he wanted to be out walking in the halls. So there he is in his monkey pj's, with an IV in his arm attached to an IV pump on wheels, with me chasing after him pushing the IV around. He was just too freaking cute.

I'm so thankful though we were only in the hospital for one night and it was for something relatively minor that was so easily treated. Believe me, several times I thought of all the other parents in similar situations but with far sicker children with much scarier problems. We were very lucky!

Kiel is feeling much better now. He's just like his old self except he still has diarrhea. Thirteen days of diarrhea now. Which means thirteen days he has not been able to go to daycare. Thirteen days that Rich or I have had to stay home. And its not over yet, because the diarrhea continues.

I took him back to the pediatrician today and they said it could be a few more days. Last week they were fairly sure it was the Norwalk virus, today they were saying it might be the rotovirus. I guess it doesn't matter either way as there really isn't a treatment for either other than keeping hydrated. Both are contagious and the virus sheds through the diarrhea. They sent me home with a stool sample kit. So there I was this afternoon scooping poop out of his diaper in to specimen containers to take to the lab. Really, I DO have all the fun!

I have to say work has been great about me missing so much time. I've been in a couple times and twice I took Kiel in with me for the morning last week when he was feeling better. And I've done some work from home, so I will only have to use a couple days of personal time for this.

Hopefully we are on the mend!

A letter from my blog

Dear MNT,

Where the hell have you been?

Didn't anyone tell you it's rude to leave your readers hanging with nothing to read for almost a month? Yes, yes...your last post did leave them with an adorable picture of your boys, but come on, cuteness can only take you so far!

And need I mention that you come here to me as part of your therapy?!? Without me it all lands on your therapist, and you definitely do not pay Jeanine enough for that! Especially with all the shit that hit the fan lately - like your breaking up with your parents, Noah hitting the sister of the girl he hit last fall whose father threatened to call the police, and the mess created this week when we found out the ass hole insurance company put a hold on his new wrap around agency.

And come on, you know everyone wants to hear about both boys puking all over you for three days straight!

Not to mention all your new goals for 2009. Yes, yes, I know...they aren't New Years Resolutions. But you did say you were going to shake things up with the new year.
Don't you think everyone wants to hear about that?

And what about the post you have brewing in your head about how you suck at making new friends. I mean, talk about a pity party. You know how people love to read crap like that!

So get your shit together woman! If you don't come back soon I'm finding some other sucker to drink wine with.

With deep affection,

Your Blog

Show and Tell - of the Christmas card variety and a question

Figured I'd show you the final version of our Christmas card for this weeks Show and Tell. As you can see I did finally get one good, usable picture for it. Yeah!

I finally printed off my address list tonight so I can start getting them ready to mail. But, I have a dilemma. I write a personal note in all of the cards I send out, close to 100 usually. Most years I do a little newsletter too, mostly funny stories of the past year with the kids and some pictures. (This year I didn't get to the newsletter, but considering I didn't send out cards at all last year I'm not going to stress about it.) But for the last several years the majority of the cards that I get don't include anything but a signature, and even that is becoming rare as people use more custom cards with their names printed on them already.

So, the dilemma. Does this mean I can stop writing the personal notes? Instead of taking several evenings to write my cards I can do it in about an hour. It would save me so much time, something I'm seriously lacking right now.

It feels so impersonal though. What do you guys think? Do you care if there is more than a signature? Does it make it extra special at all? Is it worth the extra work?

PDD-NOS

So we finally have an official diagnoses. Pervasive developmental disorder - not otherwise specified.

Am I surprised? - no

Am I relieved? - a little

Am I sad? - you betcha

He is on the spectrum but based on the outcome of the ADOS and clinical observation. He didn't test clearly in one area though, thus the PDD-NOS diagnoses. The women who performed the test and our doctor who reviewed the session all said he was atypical in his scores. There was a lot to take in during our appointment today so it will be good to get the written report and read it over with no distractions.

The developmental pediatrician kept talking about how we need to focus on his behavior as the result of a deficit in his knowledge/understanding and not because he is choosing to be "bad." She gave us recommendations on some books and websites to look at to get more information on helping him with his social skills.

I think I've known intellectually that his behavior is the result of a "deficit" for a while, but remembering it in the moment is much harder.

I'm not sure yet if this is going to change anything that we are already doing, at least as far as the services he is getting. He's doing very well in his emotional support class so clearly what the teacher is doing with him is working.

At home Rich and I are going to have to keep remembering that much of his behavior isn't purposeful and that he has to be taught the correct way to read a situation/person and how to respond appropriately. It definitely means I need to keep working on ways to improve my patience and parenting skills.

I definitely have some mixed feelings right now...
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