frustration

Thursday we had The Boy's six month check in with the developmental pediatrician (Dr. B). I always dread these appointments. All we do is focus on the negative (which I know is why we are there...but still, it is depressing). Amazing Daddy and I always leave there feeling very down; asking ourselves if The Boy is really that fucked up...

This appointment was no different than the ones before it, even though in many ways The Boy has made huge strides forward. At one point I was in tears during the appointment, and after it was all I could do not to start sobbing.

Two appointments ago The Boy was taking Adderal for his ADHD. It was helping him in some ways, but it was also causing him to be very emotional. And he was having pretty intense episodes of anger and rage. He was also talking about some pretty serious things, like blood, killing, knives, etc. It was quite scary for us, as we started to worry if we were raising a serial killer. The Boy's regular pediatrician had prescribed the Adderal after TB had showed some adverse reactions* to Metadate (Ritalin by a different company). At this appointment with Dr. B she explained that she didn't like to use Adderal, that it was too harsh, and often caused the type of rage we were seeing with TB. She also expressed concern about his talk of knives, blood, etc. and called them "ideations." She wanted us to see a colleague of hers, a forensic psychiatrist (Dr. S). And we decided to give the Metadate another try.

I contacted Dr. S., who was now in practice by herself, and we spoke on the phone and via email several times. An evaluation by her was going to cost us approximately $2500. And she was about a two hour drive away. She works with seriuosly disturbed children. She wasn't that concerned about TB, and felt that we didn't need her services...at least not yet.

I checked in with Dr. B via phone and told her this. I also told her that another therapist (Dr. W) she had recommended (to help with behavior management) we see was not taking new patients and they told us to call back in three months, but we were going to go back to our attachment therapist who was willing to work with us even though attachment wasn't his main concern now. So Dr. B told me she thought that would be fine and not to worry about Dr. W.

At our last appointment (in June I think) we tweaked the dose of his medication and added a short acting Ritalin dose in the afternoon. Fortunately the eye tic didn't return when we retried the Metadate. And the "ideations" were no longer an issue. TB had a great summer, and was even able to go several weeks at daycare without a TSS.

In September he started to show some of his old behaviors again (but not the aggresive talk/ideations). So we increased his dose from 1 1/2 capsules to two capsules, which seemed to help him. Again, he was doing fairly well.

Some where around this time we were supposed to go back and see Dr. B., but when I called to make the appointment I was never able to get ahold of anyone. I was either on hold for extended periods of time, or I would leave a voice mail but no one would return my call. Since he was doing so well I just gave up on trying to get the appointment. Not to mention this was around the time my pregnancy was really exhausting me, physically and emotionally. I admit that I wasn't as on top of things with TB as I had been in the past, with all aspects of his life.

Well, at Thursdays appointment she reamed me out for not being back to see her earlier. What could I say? I told her I wasn't making excuses, but getting an appointment was practically impossible, and that he was doing great, so it just didn't seem that important.

So she let that drop and we started talking about our concerns. I told her that I thought his medication needed to be tweaked a bit, and she jumped on me that he was already taking a large dose for his age and why did I think he needed more. I responded that I wasn't saying he needed more, but that I thought he needed something adjusted...and then told her what I was seeing to make me think that. Things like how rough our evenings were, and that it was obvious the medication had worn off by about dinner time. And about how he often wakes up in the middle of the night and won't go back to sleep. And, how wild he is in the morning...like a caged animal in some ways. So she suggested we try him on Strattera, in addition to what he is already taking. Since that was one of my thoughts going in to the appointment, I agreed.

Then, she starts talking about his "ideations." I had to tell her several times that they weren't a concern anymore. That I felt very confident in contributing that to the Adderal. She had a hard time dropping it though. And then started back on why we didn't see Dr. S. So I had to tell her the reasons, which I had already told her last summer. And also, why we hadn't seen Dr. W, but were seeing the attachment therapist.

And then she wants to know why we saw an attachment therapist. By then I was getting pissed...and confused. So I reminded her that The Boy was adopted, and was in an orphanage, and we saw an attachment therapist because he had problems with attachment. I think I may have been a bit condescending in my tone by that point.

Is it too much for me to expect her to remember, or if she can't remember, at least look through his chart before she see's us, some of the major factors that impact The Boy ? Come on...his adoption and time in the orphanage is a major part of his history.

I came out of there feeling like she thinks AD and I aren't doing enough (or maybe anything) to help TB. I don't think she understands just how much therapy/help he is getting. But because we didn't see the doctors she recommended, we aren't compliant.

I'm going to start looking for a new doctor. Unfortunately it is not easy to change to another doctor in that practice. I actually have to get permission from Dr. B. to see someone else. And since I'm a wimp when it comes to conflict like that, I'm dreading having to tell her I don't like her.


* TB developed an eye tick (basically he was frequently closing his eyes...kind of between a blink and a deliberate close and open of his lids). It was beginning to bother him and he was unable to control it.

The Miniature Earth

I found this to be incredibly powerful!

The Miniature Earth

The MIL

Ah, yes, my Mother in law... She loves me. I'm not quite sure how I did it, but she thinks I'm wonderful.

She is also obsessed with my hemorrhoids. OK, so I admit...I was too before the baby was born. But, I don't have them anymore! OK, well I do...but they aren't bothering me anymore. Herman sent most of the family packing.

So yes, my MIL...and her obsession with my 'rhoids. Every time I see her, which is about once a week, she asks me about my hemorrhoids. And every time, I tell her the same thing...I don't have hemorrhoids. My problem was with my episiotomy. And she says...oh, I thought you had hemorrhoids.

And then the next time I see her...So...how are your hemorrhoids?

The last time she asked...we were at the mall..in the food court...on a Saturday at noon. A full food court. And there she is...asking me...quite loudly mind you. So, how are your hemorrhoids?

Yeah...that's my MIL.

So I'm mentioning this to Amazing Daddy on our way home. And I say something about I just don't understand why she thinks I have hemorhoids. And he looks at me...and says...Ummm...I may have told her you did. It was easier than explaining the episiotomy.

Thanks sweetie, thanks a lot!


MIL story number 2.

She was over this weekend, and like she usually does, she commented that Baby Brother doesn't look anything like AD or me. I just nodded. Usually she will ask who in my family has red hair, or blue eyes and I'll say my nephews do, and my brother used to. Which is absolutely true, even if BB clearly didn't get any of those attributes from them.

But this time...she flat out asked me if I was fooling around! And I think she was only half joking!

Yes, she asked me if I was fooling around!

I told her that we joke that he looks just like the UPS man...the very tall, thin, African American UPS man.

Maybe its better if she goes back to asking me about my hemorhoids.

updates and promises

There are so many thoughts in my head right now about things to blog about. And, since I'm finally feeling better, I'm going to try to commit to posting here more often, at least two or three times a week.

So, yes, I'm feeling good these days. Thank god for antidepressants! I'm actually enjoying life again! I consider myself very lucky...and thankful. Thankful that Amazing Daddy dragged my ass to the doctor to get some help. I was only truly miserable for about six weeks. I know so many women who struggled for months. My only real issue now is that I still get some episodes of anxiety, but even they have decreased significantly. When they happen they tend to be late afternoon, and I think are somewhat triggered by the thought of AD and The Boy coming home. TB has been a bit of a trial in the evenings these days. I think mostly because his ADHD meds have worn off by then and he's tired from a full day at school. We handle it, but it's not always easy.

Baby Brother (or Tug as I call him) is thriving. At his two month check up last week he was 11 pounds, 10 ounces and 24 1/2 inches long. He grew two inches and gained two pounds last month. I was a bit concerned that I wasn't producing enough breast milk for him, as some times in the evening he wants to nurse constantly. A few times we gave him a couple ounces of formula, just to settle him down. I hate to do that, since it seems to constipate him, but I also hate to think of him being hungry. I started taking fenugreek and alfalfa, and drinking Mothers Milk Tea. Plus I'm drinking a lot more water. It seems to be making a difference. My breasts are huge, especially first thing in the morning! It's funny actually; I didn't get stretch marks when I was pregnant, but now I'm getting them in my breasts. And joy...my left breast is becoming significantly bigger than my right.

BB is such a joy! He smiles all the time and it is such a beautiful site! We finally took him in to get professional pictures taken last week. I can't wait to get them back. He still won't sleep by himself, but then again, I really haven't tried to get him to either. The only time he will sleep without being on or very close to me (like less than a couple inches) is if he's in his car seat. Right now I have him in our powder room with the fan going and it seems to be working. Who knows if it will still work tomorrow though. Mostly he's in my arms.

I've started back at work a couple weeks ago. Initially I was going to take on a couple smaller projects to help out, since they got slammed with work right after I had BB. Somehow though, I've taken on three very large projects instead. Right now I'm going in to the office a couple times a week for meetings, but doing the majority of my work at home. BB goes in with me and so far it is working out well. He's great during meetings and most of the time will nurse himself to sleep. No one seems too freaked out when I'm bf'ing him during a meeting. I feel a little bad for the only man we have in our group, but he seems to be handling it ok. I've definitely mastered the art of discreet breast feeding. There certainly is not a lack of people who want to hold him while we are there.

Some thoughts that I hope to write about soon:

my MIL and her comments on hemorrhoids and fooling around
that no one will ever have my eyes
what are we going to do with the left over embryos
more things I like/don't like regarding baby stuff
finding some of my old journals from college
the cradle my brother made for us
how TB is handling being a big brother
general updates on TB's ADHD and behavior, as well as kindergarten registration

So feel free to keep on my ass until I follow through!

Tooth Fairy

The Boy asked us the other night if the Tooth Fairy was strong. Amazing Daddy and I looked at each other not quite sure where he was headed with this question.

So I said, "well, I think she's small...and since teeth are small, she doesn't need to be particularly strong to carry them."

TB wasn't really comfortable with this answer, so he came up to me and opened his mouth and started to push on his teeth. I thought he was thinking that the Tooth Fairy pulled the teeth from your mouth, so I quickly let him know that wasn't the case.

But that still wasn't what he was thinking..."See Mommy," he said, "my teeth are hard...the Tooth Fairy would have to be really strong to put them in here."

Ahhh...that's what he's thinking. That the Tooth Fairy puts teeth back in your mouth.

It's fascinating how kids minds work!

**I just found this post...guess I forgot to hit publish**

I'm finally getting a few minutes here and there during the day where Baby Brother is happy to sit in his swing. Occasionally he falls asleep and then I can get up to an hour or more. Don't get me wrong, I love holding BB! I remind myself constantly that he won't be this little forever. I love how he curls his body in to me when I hold him, with his little butt hunched up. I love sniffing his head and kissing it.


But sometimes, I just want both hands to myself. I want to be able to type freely, get a little work done in a reasonable amount of time, or clean the house (it really needs it!). Thankfully, as I said, I'm getting bits and pieces of time now.

I started back to work this week, somewhat unofficially. I'm going in for occasional meetings and taking on some smaller projects that I can do from home. BB is going in with me when I do need to be there. So far it's going well, although it has only been two days.

I'm very conflicted about being back to work. I love my job, so it feels good to be back doing it. However, I love, love, love being home with BB. I dread when I will have to send him to daycare.

Maternity leave has not exactly been what I imagined. Of course the PPD in the beginning did not help. I know getting back to work is the best thing for my mental health right now, but at the same time, there are things around the house that I thought I would get done while I was on leave. I had envisioned that I would have large chunks of time where BB would be sleeping (in his crib, without me holding him) for me to get things done. This house hasn't been truly clean in at least a year. I was so tired during my pregnancy that I did the bare minimum...if that. I also have sewing that I want to do for BB's room, as well as some outfits I would like to make him. And, I expected I would be writing here almost every day. Oh well...the best laid plans and all that.

BB is eight weeks old now. He's getting very good at holding up his head. He smiles all the time, especially when he sees The Boy. He has just started to look at some of his mobiles, and loves looking at the ones that have mirrors above him. This morning he was trying to reach up and grab things. Still no control of those hands though.

He sleeps with us at night and I love it. He goes anywhere from 3 to 6 hours before waking up to be fed. All I have to do is roll over and get him from his little "nest" and feed him. He falls back asleep with my nipple in his mouth. I'm usually able to get him back in to his nest to sleep for a few more hours. Early in the morning I feed him again and then he sleeps cuddled up next to me for a few more hours. He likes sleeping in as much as I do! I may be one of the few mom's who isn't walking around sleep deprived.

Nursing is going well, especially since I started boosting my milk supply. I pump now at least twice a day and have been routinely getting at least 3 ounces every day to freeze. A week ago I started to really increase the water I was drinking, and I drink Mothers Milk Tea two to three times a day. That seems to be making a difference as well. It is quite amazing how sensitive my body is when I don't drink enough. One day last week I forgot to push the water, and the next day there just wasn't enough for him. I won't make that mistake again. My breasts have started to really tingle at times. I'm guessing this is let down? Either way, it is an interesting feeling.

It is such a great feeling for me, to know I can give this amazing little boy every thing he needs; all the nourishment and love his can take. All the things I couldn't give TB, or he wouldn't take from me. It doesn't take away the sadness I will always have that I could never do that for TB. It does make me incredibly grateful that I was able to experience all this though. I will never take it for granted.

New Years eve update

So Amazing Daddy dragged me to the doctors about ten days ago. She medicated me up and I'm finally starting to feel a little better. Still not all butterflies and bunny rabbits, but I wasn't quite that before either. At least every other thought isn't how everyone would be better off if I left. AD has been a rock through this.



Baby Brother continues to enchant me most of the time. We saw his first smile the Saturday before Christmas. Now he smiles all the time. And has the most adorable little cooing sounds.



He also amazes me with the sheer amount of gas he produces. I mean this boy can toot! And the last couple days it has started to really smell! Which makes me wonder just what I've been eating to cause that smell. I thought breast poops weren't supposed to smell. Or was that just wishful thinking on my part? Any thoughts fellow mommy's? Is this amount of gas normal? It's so frequent that now The Boy blames all his toots on his Baby Brother.

Breast feeding has been interesting. Lately he's been at them all day long! It was getting a bit overwhelming. Twice over the weekend I gave him a bottle and both times he sucked down over two ounces of formula, so it finally hit me that maybe I wasn't producing enough at one time to fill him up. So this weekend I started to pump periodically through out the day. This morning I woke up with mammoth mam's. Wowzers! He's had a nice full belly today! He even took a three hour nap for me in his car seat this afternoon after a little stroll around the neighborhood. I feel like a new woman! Now I need to work on getting him to sleep at night without me holding him.



The Boy has been doing great with him! None of the aggression we had feared has surfaced. He's actually very gentle with him and frequently asking how he's doing. He doesn't care for it when he cries, but then again, I don't either. He seems to be handling my depression ok as well, but I know he's aware of it and I hate that. I hate that he sees me cry at times. Although he does tend to behave better when I'm crying.

So happy new year everyone! And with this I'm off to go change a diaper that smells strangely like buttered popcorn.

Jewish house

Amazing Daddy and The Boy have been enjoying their drives home from work/preschool lately, looking at all the Christmas lights on the houses.

The Boy wanted to know why some houses didn't have lights, so AD said that maybe Jewish families lived in those houses.

A few minutes later AD hears The Boy talking to himself: "Jewish house, Jewish house, not a Jewish house, another Jewish house."


Then last night they stopped at BJ's to get gas and The Boy told AD "BJ's is not Jewish."

I wonder when he'll realize this is a Jewish house? Maybe the Christmas tree in the front window is confusing him...

Frustration - definitely in the TMI category

I'm getting very frustrated by the state of my "nether region." It doesn't seem to feel any different over the last week or so. It's still sore. And I still feel a lot of uncomfortable pressure there. And there is still a large slit going in to the entrance of my vagina. It will be four weeks tomorrow. When will it feel normal again?

The PPD is bad enough...this is enough to help push me over the edge completely.

More of everything than I thought possible

I can't believe it has been over three weeks since I gave birth to our newest little miracle, known in bloggy land now as Baby Brother (or BB). So many posts I've created in my head during our hours long nursing sessions, but this is truly one of the first times I've had both hands free.

So...as the title says...more of everything.

More love for this little guy than I ever thought possible. He's such a cute little old man baby. All scrunched up little face, so expressive. He's a fairly good sleeper, and we have been very lucky that he never had his days and nights screwed up. He took to breastfeeding right away too. He's definitely a mommy's boy and prefers to be in my arms and attached to the nipple 24/7.

More intense love and gratefulness for my husband than ever before. Amazing Daddy was, well yes, amazing during the birth of Baby Brother and he's continued to be amazing since then. He's pretty much taken over the care of The Boy since I haven't been able to (physically or mentally - more on that later). And he's done a great job of taking care of me while I try an take care of BB

More freaking pain and discomfort than I ever thought my crotch could handle. So yeah, BB did no come out easily. I have a birth story started that hopefully I'll finish and post soon, but in a nut shell he ended up as a forceps delivery, and boy howdy, let me tell you, talk about some trauma to the old cooter. I may never be the same again down there, at least without some surgical correction. At risk of sharing TMI, the stitches in my episiotomy dissolved too soon so I'm healing from the inside out, rather than the outside in. I won't know for a couple weeks whether or not it all comes back together or not. And let me just say, NO ONE TOLD ME I'D BE PEEING MYSELF after this. Maybe I was in the bathroom during that part of child birth class...

More feelings of isolation than I expected. I admit it, this is harder than I ever expected. And I know I'm incredibly lucky because I have an easier baby than most. But damn, I feel so alone at times. So lonely during the day. So isolated. I never expected these types of feelings. I don't even feel like I can admit to not being overwhelmingly happy after everything we went though to get here. Are IF'ers allowed to admit that they aren't 100 percent happy once they have the baby? I think I may be a little bit past the baby blues and teetering on the edge of PPD. It sucks feelings like this...

More NOT in to Christmas this year than I ever believed possible. There will be no Christmas cards sent out this year, no decorating of the house, etc. We are lucky that we got a tree up for The Boy, and some presents ordered to be delivered to my parents house for Xmas morning. Saturday night we have a baby sitter scheduled for TB so AD and I can go out and do some shopping. It's funny, I always thought having maternity leave over Christmas would be the perfect time. That I'd have the house all decorated, cookies made, home made gifts galore for my family, etc. etc. etc. Bah, humbug...I just can't be bothered to even think about any of it this year. And that's how I know it's time to call the doctor for some medication adjustments.