More serious stuff

Saturday night we scored a baby sitter and went out with some friends for dinner. We had a great time. I drank and ate excessively in moderation and promised to embarrass Amazing Daddy at least twice behave like a grown up.

Anyway...this post isn't about my drunkenness exemplary behavior. Instead, it's some more of my thoughts on The Boy.

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I commented to AD after we left that it was interesting to me that The Boy doesn't get upset when we leave him with a baby sitter now that Baby Brother is there too. It used to be hell for us to leave him, as he would get very upset. In one sense it was a relief for us that he did get upset as it was a good sign of attachment. But now, he's all "yeah, whatever, see ya later dudes."

My thought was that now that BB is there he's acting like the big brother and being brave.

AD's thought was that he's not worried that we won't come home because he knows we would never leave BB.

I thought my heart was going to break when he said that.

TB has so much anxiety. So many things that worry him, although he is not really able to verbalize what is going on in his head.* I really wonder if that is what he is thinking. That we love BB so much we would never leave him, which in turn means we will come home. So because of that he is safe.

So now I wonder what I have done that might have him thinking that way? That maybe I love BB more than I love him.

I know that after BB was born I pulled back from TB. The postpartum depression was rough, and all I seemed capable of doing was taking care of BB. I had nothing left for AD or TB for the first two months. I remember how my anxiety would peak every day about 4:45pm, just before AD and TB would come home.

I had absolutely no patience for TB then. And, I cried all the time, which really upset him. No matter what he was doing he would stop and promise to be a good boy. It killed me then to hear him say that, even though I assured him over and over I wasn't crying because of anything he did.

BB is so easy to love. He's just an easy baby. He is sweet, and cuddly and easy going and funny. TB can be sweet and cuddly and funny too. But he is definitely not easy going. He is not easy to be with. I love him so much, but it is not always easy.

Now I worry that he knows that. That he worries that we might leave him. I don't ever want him to worry that we won't be there for him. No matter how frustrated I get he is my son and I love him. I don't love BB any more, or TB any less.

How do I fix this?



*I think he comes by that naturally as AD is the same way.

Movie Monday - You say Lara

The Boy has had the same teacher for two years, her name is Lara. I have never been able to pronounce it correctly. I'm not even sure I can hear that am not saying it correctly. Apparently I do not say Erin correctly either. *sigh*

This was our dinner conversation one night last week.

Ahhh..my little linguist.

my mother

My relationship with my mother is complicated. Actually, my relationship with my parents is complicated. It is more obvious however with my mother because she is the one I communicate with more. My Dad is more of the strong, silent type. Not often affectionate. Very much that stereotypical father figure from the 70's.

Right now my mom and I are only communicating via email other than the obligatory phone calls home for holidays, birthdays, etc. Her emails consist of two or three sentences about once a week. My responses are less often, but tend to be much longer and more narrative of what is going on with the boys. About once a month I send a DVD to them with videos and pictures on it of the boys.

As I said in an earlier post my parents seemed like they couldn't get out of here fast enough the last time they visited. I wrote about the incident at the Franklin Institute and how they reacted to it.

Several weeks ago I was talking with my mother on the phone about how difficult TB has been lately and how if we just got a break now and then it would make such a difference. Her response - "That's what being a parent is. You wanted kids." Huh, very helpful right? Like I don't know that.

That response should not have been a surprise to me. It's typical of our interactions with each other. I will feel like we are having a good conversation, so I'll open up a bit more, share my feelings with her, thinking she understands, and then get put in my place like that. What I'm really looking for is just some acknowledgement from her that she understands that sometimes it's hard. That sometimes I just need to vent and be listened to.

So, after that last time I decided that I was going to hang back for a bit. Thus the emails. But even that tends to bite me in the ass. A couple weeks ago I said something about how sad I felt that they didn't seem to want to see TB anymore, and how hurt I was that they left so quickly last time (in the middle of a snow storm mind you). She responded to the other things in the email, but has said not one word about that.

My mother did not have a good relationship with her own mother. I've written about my grandmother before and what a great relationship she and I had. I never really could understand why my mother seemed to resent her so much, her own mother! I swore I was going to break that cycle and not allow it to happen with my own mother, but in so many ways I feel like she isn't giving me a choice. Why do we let our parents have so much control over us?

What do they say the definition of insanity is? Doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different outcome?

Yeah, see why I need therapy?

**Black Hockey Jesus at The Wind in Your Vagina, wrote a post about his father a few days ago. In it he also referenced the definition of insanity. At the time he posted his I had this sitting in my drafts, not sure if I was ready to post it or not. If you aren't reading this guy you should be. He is hysterically funny and sometimes borders on the insane. Plus he needs some more followers on Twitter it appears.

Show and Tell

A year or so after I bought my first house I started looking for a piano. I always had a piano around growing up and started taking lessons from my grandmother when I was six year old. In my mind, a home wasn't complete without a piano.

Being a first time home owner, and just a year out of pharmacy school, I really couldn't afford much. So, I started checking out the want ads in the local paper. I found someone selling an old piano for $75. I called and went to check it out. It wasn't in great shape, but it had a nice sound and I felt it could be tuned up and cleaned up. It cost $200 to have it moved to my house.

When Amazing Daddy and I got engaged and I moved to Philadelphia to be with him the piano went in to storage until we bought our house. I was so happy when the moving trucks arrived with it (and all my other stuff too, it had been 16 months since it all went in storage). I was fortunate to have a little extra money at that time, and was able to get it tuned and restored a bit. In the process I found out a little more about it.

It turned out it is a Cable-Nelson piano. It was likely built in South Haven, MI in the early-ish 1900's. It's serial number is 104485 if I'm reading the faded handwriting correctly.

I don't have much time to play these days, and its been years since I took lessons, but I still feel like a home, my home anyway, isn't complete without a piano.

Sometimes I get the urge and I sit down and just play. Usually, when no one is around to hear, because I'm so out of practice. It makes me happy and it reminds me of my grandmother.

Blogoversary contest!!!!

Mel at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters came up with the idea of a secondary blogging name for her second blogoversary. You can read her post about it here. Go ahead, check it out then come on back and lend me some creative juices.

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On August 10, 2008 my blog will be three years old. Granted I just became "Mommy Needs Therapy" a couple weeks ago, but this blog still contains the original content.

So, in honor of my upcoming blogoversary, I too would like to come up with a secondary blogging name. And I would like your help! So, as some incentive I'm offering a $25 gift card to Target, Starbucks, or another store of your choice, to the person that comes up with a name that resonates with me the most. If more than one name resonates with me I'll put them up for a vote on here. Now I know I don't have a huge readership here, so if you have friends that might be interested in helping with this, please send them this way.

I think it should incorporate my former blog name in some way. So keep in mind sparkly and katt. It doesn't have to use either of those exactly, but at least keep the essence of them.

I'm so excited to see what you great people come up with!

Wordless Wednesday

Where the Hell is Matt? (2008) from Matthew Harding on Vimeo.


Found this on MetroDad's blog. I think it speaks for itself.

Tackle it Tuesday

My first Tackle it Tuesday! Whoohooo

There are certainly several things around my house that need tackling. You have no idea! So for my first one I thought I'd tackle something kind of fun, but has also been sitting around for a while. Framing pictures of the kids etc. that we had taken a couple months ago.

So here are the bags of frames and the envelope of pictures.

And then I hit my first obstacle. First frame I start to work on I manage to break the glass. Ughh...

I have three of these prints that I am going to put in Baby Brothers room. Need to go get more glass for the third one.

And then some from the first set of pictures we had taken with Baby Brother. These will go in his room too.

And then this collage of pictures of the boys. Not sure yet where I'll be hanging this one.

And some family pictures. Some of these will go in to hang in my new office I think.

And for some reason this picture will not load so it shows horizontally. These will be going in to work with Awesome Daddy and myself.

Now maybe for next weeks tackle it Tuesday I'll get them damn things up on the wall.

Movie Monday

Since I'm having so much fun playing with the videos I've taken recently, I thought I'd start something new on my blog - Movie Monday! Of course, there is always the chance this will be the only Monday this happens, but I might surprise ya'all.

I promise to do shorter ones next time! I realize not everyone likes watching my boys as much as I do. ;)

I blame it on myself

A couple weeks ago Amazing Daddy told me he was on one of his tech sites and there was a thread about Sears advertising a 50 inch plasma HDTV for $1299, which was well under cost. Apparently it was a misprint and Sears retracted the ad. However, people were taking the ad to other stores and getting them to price match.

So, AD asked me if he could try. I thought for a few seconds and figured that there was no way he would get a store to match that price. So I told him sure, go for it. Figured it would make me look good in his eyes, he'd have fun, and be out of my hair for a couple hours. Win-win for all involved. And no damage to our bank account.


Well, I'm sure you know where this is going. He came home with that damn TV. So, now we have a 50 inch TV in both the entertainment room in the basement (his hangout) and in the family room (my hangout). And the better TV is of course the new one, which is in the family room. So guess where AD is hanging out now? Yup, in the family room, with me. Taking charge of the remote, flipping from sports game to shoot 'em up movie to discovery channel show.

I have to say, we really can't afford this TV, no matter what a great deal it was.


Oh sure, I get the irony. I used to complain that we didn't spend time together in the evening because he wanted to watch TV on the big TV in the basement, where as I prefer the family room, with the comfy couch and side table that's just perfect for my laptop and the breast pump. Now he's spending time in the same room with me and its driving me f'ing nuts! Too MUCH togetherness!

Can you believe I'm complaining that we have two big TV's? How spoiled am I?

And the other thing? The old TV is still sitting in the middle of the family room since he isn't sure yet what he wants to do with it. It's very heavy so there is no way I can move it myself.

See why I need therapy?

Show and Tell

For the last several years when ever a friend or coworker has a baby I've crocheted a blanket for them. It's slowed down a bit over the last year between Baby Brother and the pesky tendinitis in my wrists that just won't quite go away. In fact I have yet to start one for my best friends little boy, who was born over a month ago. Maybe by Christmas...

Anyway, here is one I just finished for TB's teacher. She had a little girl in April. I also got her the most adorable little pink dress. Hopefully it will still fit considering how long it has taken me to finish the blanket.

a little closer

detail