conifers and powder, oh my

Well hello Saturday afternoon! The Boy is napping; all hail the holy spirits of naptitude! And with trusty work laptop on my lap (of course) I am successfully procrastinating doing every thing that I should do (as in; write holiday letter, finish Kodak projects, start work project that has me seriously stressed out to the point of cancelling my week of vacation this month, and all other mommy/wifely duties). And since I am feeling some what witty (although what sounds so funny in my head rarely makes it out of my fingers and on to the screen as humorous as I want) I figure I'd take some time and update my bloggy friends on the goings on in my world.

Christmas tree is up, and looking mighty fine if I do say so myself. Following my family tradition we went on the great tree hunt as soon after Thanksgiving as possible. I've groomed my son well apparently, because all talk prior to the hunt was about getting a BIG tree! Bigger than PaPa Rick! Which is pretty damn big in the eyes of a three year old, considering grandpa is 6'3" and solid.

As we entered the nursery where we bought the tree, The Boy's eyes got huge and he said "Wow, look at all those conifers!"

WTF? What three year old calls Christmas trees conifers?? I blame it on They Might be Giants. Well, at least he's learning something from his DVD's. Unlike the "stupid" and "shut up" he got from Toystory. Which, btw, we threw away today after he said both phrases numerous times while out running errands today. Is he too young to make eat a bar of soap?

Anyway, TB had great fun running through all the "conifers" and we did indeed get one bigger than PaPa Rick.
Perhaps this picture shows the devil in his eyes a little better.

All that cuteness that surrounds a little mischievous troll. As evidence I present the following pictures, the results of a forgotten can of zinc oxide powder left overnight in his room:

Please do learn from my mistake and vacuum immediately. Zinc oxide absorbs moisture from the air (which as a freaking pharmacist I should have remembered!), which results in a nice moist gummy mess instead of that fluffy powder it could have been 12 hours prior.

Consult with Dr. C this morning. Although I think I may have to rename him Dr. H for Dr. Holy Crap did you really offer me ten frozen embryos.

Yup, you heard me, we will soon be the recipients of ten frozen embryos. Even better, ten frozen embryo's from a 20 something couple. I think i smiled for the first time in a month today. Amazing Daddy and I were both speechless, totally in shock.

We went in to the appointment expecting to be talked in to a third cycle, which I would have refused to do without knowing something was different, or immediately going to donor egg. Instead, Dr. C asked us where we wanted to start, or something like that, and I said I didn't really know, for the first time I didn't come prepared with pages full of questions.

Then he started to talk about a couple that he treated that was very fertile, young, in their 20's but needed IVF to get pregnant, and she ended up with far more embryos than she needed, and she wanted to donate them to a couple who could use them. So apparently she entrusted Dr. C with the job of finding the right couple. And he chose us!

This is the first good thing to happen to us in the fertility arena since we started this process!

Donor embryo is something I've been thinking about the last week or so. Big thanks to Leggy for suggesting it and sharing her thoughts with me. I figured that it was going to take some time to get there though, especially if we had to wait on a list, or find our own. Never, did I expect to literally have ten thrust in my lap in this way!

So our heads are spinning, we have lots to talk about, and think about. Right now though, it seems like the answer to our prayers. Maybe I will have a baby some time after all.

He says the darndest things

The Boy has said some adorable things lately and I'm afraid if I don't write them down I will forget them, so here goes.

This morning listening to the radio on the way to school after hearing a commercial:

TB: Mommy, what's details?

Mommy: Oh, well, it's when you give someone a lot of information about something, you are telling them the details.

TB: Oh, like Eeyores tail....

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A couple weeks ago after going to an apple orchard and pumpkin patch:

Mommy: Wow, we had so much fun at the apple orchard. I really liked watching you pick all those apples.

TB: yeah, and riding the tractor

Mommy: My favorite part was how gentle you were and how you had such great listening ears!

TB: Yeah! And my favorite part was watching you and daddy hug each other!

Wow, who ever thought he paid attention to that stuff! Amzing Daddy and I did have a rather nice moment in the orchard.

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Another riding in the car moment discussing something silly about who loves him and who likes to be with him etc.

Mommy: Who's more fun to be with? (thinking he will certainly say Mommy)

TB: with no hestitation Mommy AND Daddy (definite emphasis on the AND)

Like I said yesterday, I'm pretty much resigned to the results. Since the retrievel, I haven't felt positive about it. But then of course I start to worry that my negative feelings led to a negative result. But really, is that rational?

I'm not sure how Amazing Daddy is feeling about this. I know he's disappointed, but he also said he's happy with the family we have. He doesn't have the need that I do to carry and birth a baby. AD doesn't talk about things that bother him. It frustrates me, and leaves me guessing, and often feeling like he just doesn't feel anything.

AD was so sweet and sent me a big bouquet of flowers yesterday to cheer me up. So thoughtful! What I really needed though was for him to come home and hold me and share his disappointment.

I have so much guilt right now. Mostly regarding the expense of all this, with nothing to show for it. How do I justify spending even more if we do go on? Yet, how do I not go on?

Am I being selfish? The boy frequently talks about wanting a brother/sister (one entity in his mind I think). But really, he's 3 1/2, does he understand what he's asking for? At the same time though, doesn't he deserve to have a brother or sister to share his life with? But we could solve that by adopting again. At what point do I force myself to give up the need/desire to be pregnant and be satisfied with adoption?

I know that I need to and want to explore donor egg or donor embryo. I just don't know how to get AD on board with it. I know he'll never "need" it the way I do, but I need him to understand how I feel and to want a child enough to make these sacrifices.

Leggy, you asked if we had looked in to embryo adoption. Do you have any suggestions on where to start with that?

As expected

Well, no surprise here. The pregnancy test was negative.

I had a few spurts of hope earlier in the week when I did a couple HPT's and had some very faint lines. Of course I did an HCG booster last week, so the rational part of me knew that it was a false positive.

I'm frustrated, but resigned I guess. Dr. C wants us to come in for a consult, so we will see him November 3rd.

I want to move on to donor eggs or embryo's, but as usual, it comes down to the money. As of now we have spent over $80K between The Boy's adoption and all the fertility treatments. I don't regret a penny of the adoption, but it's hard to see another 40 grand flushed down the toilet. That's money that should be for our retirement, or to help buy a house, so TB has an actual yard and we don't have to hear the neighbors through the walls, or for TB's college fund. Or a safe car for me, instead of the rust bucket I'm currently driving.

It all comes down to money. The emotional part of this sucks, but I'd do it over and over again if I had to. If we could afford to. Until we have a baby.

How do you give up a dream of being a mother just because you can't afford it?

Updates

You would think that having three days in bed I would write like crazy, but no. Although I did catch up on a lot of reading, including my favorite blogs.

So, anyway, three embryos were transferred on Thursday; a six cell, a seven cell and an eight cell. I'm trying to be positive. The transfer itself went very well. So much better than last time. They let me pee a little bit just before, so I wasn't in agony and was able to relax. I was able to watch the monitor of the ultrasound so I could see what was going on, which also helped me focus and relax. Last time I was having a lot of pain in my lower abdomen from my ovaries, this time I didn't have any pain. And I've felt good since. Maybe since every thing was different with this cycle from the last one, the outcome will be different too.

So I'm up today, I"m catching up on the laundry and cleaned the bathroom, changed the sheets, and now I'm getting ready to do some work on the laptop. You know, all the work I should have done over the last three days when I couldn't move and the laptop was my constant companion. I had a huge list of things computer related I was going to get done, and I did none of them.

If interested, my brother and his family are doing well. They are living with my parents right now but a "double wide" should be arriving next week for them to live in while their house is rebuilt. The insurance company has been great they said.

Thanks for everyone's kind thoughts!

A bit of perspective, and a reminder to give thanks for what you already have

I received the following email from my mom today:

Kristie and AD,

Sure are thinking about you and know that it is a hard time for you, but I know that you will be hurt if Idon't tell you. I think that email is a gentler way. You can read it at your leisure. Mike and Kari'shouse was hit by lightning last night. Seven firetrucks, ambulance and police car. They got out O.K. Kari had a close escape. She was putting things into the freezer after a late trip to WalMart. The lightning hit the TV antenna about 11:00, went down the wires right behind the freezer and arked out at her feet. She had very thick wedgie shoes on (3/4")and it cut the sole in half and popped out a staple. The fire was in the attic. Fire men and women were wonderful. Lots of water damage. Insurance adjuster hasn't arrived yet, (12:30pm on Tuesday) so we don'tknow what's up yet. They spent the rest of the night here, 2:30 on. K & M have emptied their fridge and freezer into ours. Your Dad thinks he's died and goneto heaven with all the REAL food in the house. We're expecting them to be here for a while. Love you and hope that tomorrow goes O.K. I'll be thinking about you. Love you all. Mom Dad, too!


Mike is my brother. They live on "the farm" in Michigan with my parents, cousin, aunt/uncle etc.

Everyone is ok, and I can't believe how lucky my sister in law was. Like me, she tends to go around the house barefoot. Thank god she had those shoes on.

It sounds like they lost the second story, and over night their bedroom floor fell in to their living room. They were able to get some stuff out (like pictures, heirloom china, etc.) before the firemen got there. I think that my oldest nephews stuff is likely ok too since his bedroom is on the first floor. All my brothers and SIL clothes are ruined, as are my two younger nephews. I'm not sure about there books and toys.

I hate being so far away. There isn't much I can do for them here in Philly. I imagine they'll be living with my parents for a while.

Thank god they are all ok!

It's not looking great...

I admit I haven't gone in to this cycle with much optimism. I've basically had the "if I don't think it will work, I won't be devastated when it doesn't" attitude. I wish it was that simple.

The ultrasound on Saturday showed some awesome follicles, certainly not a predictor of what I'm hearing today.

Egg report today:
13 eggs retrieved
8 were mature
rare, nonmotile sperm in sample
frozen sperm sample used
4 eggs fertilized

Well, you know 4 eggs today is unlikely to mean 4 embryos at transfer.

Last cycle:
14 eggs retrieved
10 mature
8 fertilized
7 became 4 cells day 2
4 were 8 cells or better at transfer
0 took

Apparently one of my ovaries was tucked behind my uterus yesterday, and they couldn't really get to it. I assume they got some from it or I wouldn't have had the 13.

I'm the kind of person that needs answers. And statistics. I need to know what the odds are that my 4 fertilized eggs will be 4 tomorrow, and what the chances are that they will be any on Thursday. I need to know why they couldn't get to the one ovary and how hard they tried. I need to know if using the frozen sample is why only 50% fertilized, when 80% fertilized last time. I need to know if our chance of getting pregnant would be better if we used the donor sperm we have frozen on backup. I need to know why Sparklyhusband has sperm one day and not another. I need to know that this result isn't because yesterday was a holiday (Yom Kippur) and everyone was in a hurry to get out of there, and it wasn't the "second string" embryologist doing the work.

What I don't need to hear is "all you need is one."

It's a number game, and the less there are, the lower the chances.

We have spent over 80K between our fertility treatments and the adoption of The Boy. I don't think I can justify the expense of another cycle. But at the same time I'm not sure I can give up all my dreams of being pregnant and having another child.

I'm back in to the "it's not fair" funk.

IVF #2 - retrieval

Retrieval day today. Bakers dozen recovered.

I'm confused, and disappointed. I had 20 follicles on my last ultrasound Saturday morning.

Amazing Daddy said they had a difficult time getting to my one ovary. Not sure what that means, and he didn't ask I guess. And someone said, can't really remember if they told me, or they told him, that they didn't go after the small follicles. I guess that could account for the discrepancy. I want to know why they didn't go for them though.

I woke up during the procedure, it hurt! Not sure why I woke up. I'm pretty sure they put me right back under. Damn Versed, I can't remember anything.

So when I finally did wake up and asked how it went, the nurse anesthetist told me 13. I started to cry. That wasn't enough. She couldn't understand why I was so upset. No one could. Damn people. Am I the only one who understands this is a numbers game?

On the other necessary part of this equation...AD had no sperm in his sample from last night and this morning. Again. And no one even cares to know why. Fortunately, one of the samples that was frozen had some and they were motile when thawed, so the embryologist felt confident that she could find 13 sperm. I'm assuming since we haven't heard from them that they did. I guess we'll know more tomorrow.

So I'm home, and crampy, and I slept a few hours this afternoon. The cats are happy to have me in bed again.

Tomorrow I'll go to the library to stock up on books to read after the transfer. And the grocery store. I think chocolate will factor heavily on that grocery list.

Egg update tomorrow.

Catching up and other shit

I've neglected to blog for a couple weeks. It's not that I haven't thought about it. I do, often. And I frequently write the funniest posts in my head on my way home from work, they just never seem to get out of the mush of my brain.

Cycle day one if anyone is interested. Oyyyy...The headache after being on ten days of Lupron. My soul for some estrogen please. Menopur stars on Monday, after the ol' coochie checks out and they drill for blood.

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My parents are coming for a visit next weekend. That means I have to clean up the guest bedroom. And wash the sheets from their last visit, from like, four months ago. And, next Friday night starts Rosh Hoshanah. So I guess they'll let them selves in and be waiting for us. Because, dinner is at my brother-in-laws house Friday. I have to bring the salad. I hate salad. And basically no one eats it, but I still have to take it, and then bring it home after. And, they know that what I really love to do is bake, but do they ever ask me to bake something yummy for dinner? Oh no...and come on, my honey cake rocks! Especially considering a shicksa is baking it.

My brother-in-law and his family are weird. Every thing is a big secret with them. And they can't commit to anything more than a day in advance. And often, they never even give an answer. My SIL has multiple sclerosis, but she refuses to talk about it, and just says she's doing fine, even when I can see that her vision sucks or she is having trouble walking. I wish I could help her, but she refuses to talk about any thing of substance.

When I met my BIL seven years ago he told me he was an agnostic. Now he he goes to temple and seems to believe. I'm not sure what happened in the last seven years to get him there, because they don't f'ing talk about anything real in their life.

I just realized the other day that he is 19 years older than me, and could be my father. Amazing Daddy says that 19 is too young to be a father, so I had to remind him I was talking figuratively. BIL and SIL are nice people, but I have nothing in common. Spending time with them is painful. I find myself wanting to say outrageous things just to see if they will react. Poor SH cringes when I open my mouth.

It's hard being someone who is so open like we are, and being family with someone who is so CLOSED.

Really though, they are nice people, and they make good briskett.

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My MIL, stereotypical Jewish old lady. Some day I'll write about her. I have funny stories. Remind me to tell you about the phone message she left when I first moved in with AD.

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We were invited to a private party at the Philadelphia Zoo last night. We took Prince Alexi and had a lot of fun. He got to see puma's play with each other. Not much different than our own cats, just much bigger and with longer, sharper claws.

The spider monkeys were cute too. They went non-stop...Reminded me of TB.

TB did well, until we had to walk through the big cat exhibit and go through a small building with a large movie screen. Scared him shitless, all the lights and roaring. He stood at the door and wouldn't move. Poor kid. It was interesting because he seemed to process it all very slowly. It actually took him a couple minutes to realize it scared him.

After that every few minutes he reminded us that he didn't want to go to the movie anymore.

He told one of the zoo workers about watching the elephant poop. He saw the elephant poop four months ago during our last visit. Guess it made an impression on him.

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We don't really care for one of TB's therapists (technically called his itinerat teachers (IT) by the Intermediate Unit). She's been with him since he was in early intervention. Basically she sees him for about an hour a week. And has for the last 18 months or so. I really think she's crossed some boundaries with him and has pissed me off and his regular pre-school teachers several times. I may have written about it before, but she told TB's TSS that if she wanted to learn more about TB she should research ODD (oppositional defiant disorder). Now, TB has been labeled with many abbreviations, but ODD has never been one of them.

I had a meeting with TB's teachers a couple weeks ago and they expressed some concern with with this woman (let's call her Deb, because, well, that's her name). Deb seems to think she is an expert on sensory disorders because she has a grown son with SPD. The problem is, Deb isn't with TB to work on sensory issues. That is what his OT is for. Deb is supposed to be working with him on...Well...Actually, I'm really not sure. I thought it was his behavior originally, but recently learned that wasn't true.

So really, what I was going to tell you is that at the beginning of the school year we found out that TB was getting a new IT and OT. I wasn't thrilled about a new OT since we had just been given a new one six months ago, but what ever. I did do the happy dance when I found out Deb was being replaced.

Imagine my surprise when TB's preschool teacher called to tell me that Deb had just been there and said she was going to be TB's IT again this year.

You better bet I was on the phone to the IU as soon as I hung up with Rachel. We've been playing phone tag since then. If she can't be reassigned AD and I (ok, I have decided, AD really doesn't have much to do with this stuff) have decided that we are going to cancel that "service" altogether. Considering we don't even know what she is supposed to be doing...

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And that is all I have time for right now....Consider yourselves updated.