Emptiness, pressure, and moving forward

So many things have gone through my head this weekend. As I fell asleep in Amazing Daddy's arms Friday night I realized that what I was feeling mostly was empty. More than the disappointment and sadness, was emptiness.

It's not something I really feel I can say out loud to anyone, because it sounds so selfish. How can I say I'm empty when I have an amazing husband and a little boy that I love with all my heart. How dare I want more? How dare I say my life isn't enough for me?

In a way it's harder because I know that AD feels like his life is full already. He's happy with the family we have now. He doesn't "need" another child the way I do. He is already fulfilled.

Then I wonder how The Boy will feel if we do have another child. Will he ever wonder why he wasn't "enough" for me? Or if he's not as good as a child that I'm able to give birth to? But it's none of that. My feelings have nothing to do with any of that. The emptiness I feel has nothing to do with what I have.

I'm not sure I know how to explain it. In a way the emptiness is because of what I've never been able to experience. I was definitely one of those little girls who played mommy and baby. I always knew I wanted children. I decided not to go to medical school because I wanted a family more, and I didn't believe that was a career I could have and have a family at the same time. From my twenties on I've always had this fear that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant. I actually had a doctor as me if I was fulfilling my own prophecy when I told him this. This was early on, before we did any tests. I think after my first HSG when he realized something was right, he regretted saying that, but still. What makes a woman fear something like that? I was a good girl. I was a virgin until I was 22 (not that I don't regret that now). I never messed around. I was ultra careful not to get pregnant before I was married. And knowing I was being a good girl, I still worried that I would never get my chance.

So how DO I explain this emptiness? How do I explain it to my husband in a way that he doesn't think I'm saying he's not enough for me? How do I ensure that TB never wonders if he wasn't enough for me.

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AD says we can do one more cycle. And I know that really that is all we can afford. But the pressure of knowing we only have one more shot at this is a lot. I can't imagine how I'll feel knowing it's the last shot.

The other pressure I feel is my age. At this point if I do get pregnant on the next cycle, I'll be 39 when I have the baby. AD will be 50 (not that any one would ever believe it). We'll be old parents. Is that fair to a child?

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So I gave myself the weekend to wallow. Tomorrow I will get up and move forward with a smile on my face, no matter how empty my heart.

It's official

Yup, the "I'm sorry" call. So the knot is gone. And there were some tears. I feel bad having to tell Amazing Daddy at work. He's having a rough day as it is after being gone for four days. So much crap for him to catch up on. He may have to go in to work this weekend to catch up. Which sucks on many levels. He goes in to work on his day off, but doesn't get to take it off of the vacation days he had to use. And, that means I have to be alone with The Boy. But, I am determined to be a better mom and enjoy the time I'm with him.

So, no more progesterone. Thank god. Hopefully I'll be feeling better by the time I get my period.

So, no Xanax yet. But I did break in to the tortilla chips and made up some queso dip. And then the door bell rang. I thought maybe...flowers? To cheer me up? Although hardly enough time had passed for something like that to happen.

Nope, it's a painter come to pain the front door (ahhh..the first good thing of an association, other than the lawn care and snow shoveling). So I can't even sit here and gorge my face with the chips and salsa, because the front door is in direct line of where I am sitting. And why do I fucking care?

After this I may make chocolate chip cookies. That sounds like great comfort food. Cause you know, why not throw a few more pounds on to the ten that I already gained back during this cycle.

Waiting for the phone call

Here I am, waiting with a very large knot in my stomach, for the phone call that will officially end our first IVF cycle. Even though I KNOW it will be negative because I truly can't believe that the HPT could be wrong, part of me apparently still hopes.

I cried so much yesterday I'm not sure I really need to cry today when I get the news. But, I imagine I will. I'm still going to blame it on all the progesterone surging through my body, but I imagine I'd cry anyway. Although, I have to admit, there have been times in my life when I should have cried, that I just couldn't. And of course, many many times when I shouldn't have cried, that I did. And most of those in public.

And have I mentioned I don't cry pretty? My face gets all red and blotchy and puffy, really puffy. And then I can't see out of my contacts because they start to feel all cloudy and goopy. And then I'm exhausted and all I want to do is sleep. Of course sleeping is the best way to escape from it.

When the call comes, and after the "I'm so sorry, it was negative" bit, I'm going to take a Xanax, maybe even two. Then I think I might crawl in to bed with Old Faithful, because I deserve a good buzz, and since I've been so damn horny from the progesterone but couldn't do anything about it, it's about time I get off.

And then maybe a couple margaritas this weekend are in order.

So how long does it take for the hormones to get back to normal? When will the crazies go away? And do I really have to wait a full cycle before I can start again? That means I can't start Lupron for at least another 7 weeks. Which means our next cycle would be September/October I think. Right smack in the middle of our annual vacation to visit my family.

So now I'm going through the it's not fair crap. I guess part of me really did think that I had gone through enough with all the fertility treatments we did a few years ago. Then the years in between believing it might work on it's own. I wonder just how many periods I've had that I've cursed over. Adding the adoption of TB, and the stress of it all as we discovered his special needs and faught for help for him. Then this cycle all the ups and downs with AD's sperm/no sperm issue. I thought maybe we had been through enough, and that the cosmos would agree and finally grant it to us.

I'll have to add everything up, but I think we have spent about 15K for this cycle with all the extra stuff we had to do (multiple SA's, the ICSI, assisted hatching, banking the sperm we did get, having donor sperm on back up, my choice to do acupuncture). And of course all the regular costs involved.

We took out a home equity loan with the thought it would pay for 3 cycles (assuming one would be a frozen), and give us enough to pay off a bit of debt we had. Well, this cycle cost a little more than I thought, and our air conditioner broke the end of may, so we had to spend 9K replacing the heat and cooling system in our house. We had hoped to have enough left that when I got pregnant we could replace the rust bucket that I drive, and get a safe, family car, like a minivan. This isn't going to happen though. Because I looked at our account, and what we have left is only going to cover another cycle, with maybe a little left over. Maybe enough to do a third cycle if we had embryos left that made it to cryo. Which afer this cycle seems unlikely.

I'm rambling now, I realize that. Blah, blah, blah.

Yet, here I am, still waiting for the call, still hoping. Am I fucking insane?

A moment of insanity

In a moment of insanity today I did an HPT. It was negative. I cried all the way to take my son to school and then to work. I’m handling this much worse than I ever thought possible. What the hell is wrong with my body that I can’t get pregnant!

Never patient at the best of times...

Have I mentioned before that I thought I would handle this two week wait much better than I am? And have I really mentioned that I hate progesterone?

AD is out of town this week doing some consulting at an oncology hospital in California. Man do I miss him, and not only because I have to solicit others to give me my damn shot in the ass every day. TB misses him too! Cause I think he's noticing mommy is a little crazy lately. Poor kid!

I asked TB last night if he remembered where Daddy was. He looked very serious and I could tell he was thinking, then he said "Calimari." Which I actually thought was damn clever considering he got the "cali" right! I reminded him it was California, and he looked all serious again and said, "oh yes, California, a state of America." It's good I was already laying down, because you could have blown me over ala Captain Feathersword.

Today, after I lost my temper with him for about the 100th time, he looked at me and asked when Daddy was coming home. Yeah, I miss him too.

Today I had to go to my GP's office and pay my office visit copay so the nurse could take 30 minutes out of her schedule to stick a needle in my ass. Silly me for thinking they might offer me a little professional courtesy...and offer to stick it in my ass for free!

So, yeah, I continue to be a bit hormonal if you can't tell. And I'm feeling some faint cramping really low in my abdomen. Good sign? Bad sign? Or just impending diarrhea?

Daily update

Today I feel pretty good. No dizziness, no nausea, no cramps. Maybe a little constipated…but that’s to be expected. So, is that a good thing? Or a very, very bad, not pregnant, kinda thing?

TB was in a good mood this morning. Perhaps my middle of the night visit to his room where I cried over how mean I’ve been feeling penetrated his dreams. Who knows…

Blood and ultrasound tomorrow morning. Do you think it can tell me anything?

This waiting is harder than I thought it would be. And of course, I just found out (although I’ve suspected for several weeks) that one of my coworkers is pregnant. I’m happy for her, I really am! But fuck, how come I can tell when everyone else is pregnant, but not myself? Or, does that just mean I’m not pregnant?

Chub club tonight. Yippee…not. I hate that place. My “coaches” as in skinny minny meanie ladies, are not exactly motivating, just bitchy. They don’t like me. I know it. I hate not being liked. If I find out I’m pregnant next week they can just kiss my flat ass, cause I’m out of there. No preggies on their plan! Please let me be pregnant so I don’t have to see the mean ladies every week any more!

Not fit to be a mother

I don't like my son much lately. In fact, I don't want to be around him at all. His behavior has been so bad that I've actually had the urge to spank him, hard, diaperless. I feel like all I do is yell at him. When I'm not doing that I'm ignoring him so Amazing Daddy has to deal with him.

We've had over a year of therapy for him, and I know we've made huge strides, but right now, I can't help but think WHAT THE FUCK?

Or are we just terrible, ineffective parents?

I don't like my son much lately. How fucked up is that? If I heard someone else say that about their child I would say they didn't deserve to be parents.

I think we need more help with him than we are getting. Yet, I'm not sure there is any more help for us out there.

And yet I sit here, hopeful that I'm pregnant, fearful that I'm not, equally fearful that if I am it's multiples. Knowing, that it might all be too much for me/us.

Someone tell me this is just the hormones talking.

Wishful thinking?

I almost passed out in the shower this morning and then thought I was going to throw up. The Boy came in to the bathroom and I asked him to go get Daddy and tell him I was sick. I must have scared him because he actually did it! So really, is it just wishful thinking? Or is this a sign of something? Can you really have symptoms less than a week in to pregnancy? Last night I was in bed thinking that I didn't feel any different and was pretty convinced I wasn't pregnant. This wait is going to be much harder than I thought!

I still feel pretty punky, but feel better lying down. I finally figured out how to position the laptop so I can type while I'm lying down. Too bad I didn't figure that out a couple days ago when I actually felt ok but was still on bedrest.

I have work I need to do. I made rather a big deal about bringing work home to do this weekend and getting the laptop set up, etc., but have yet to actually do it. After this update I will.

TB and AD are outside in the kiddy pool on our deck. It is so hot! I was going to go out with them today but I just can't do it yet.

AD is definitely tired of me being "sick." I think he thought three days of bedrest was overkill. And I'm sure he just didn't understand why I couldn't get up and do things between naps. Nothing got done in the house for three days except playing with TB (which granted is important and often a full time job) and meals. I guess I wouldn't complain, if I didn't feel like he was complaining. A couple times he asked me if I wanted anything, and when I said I did, I got "the look" and the big huffy sigh. So apparently his job is supposed to be fulfilled by asking me, I'm not actually supposed to take him up on it.

More quotables from The Boy

The fascination starts early in our house.

Declared loudly while jumping on the guestroom bed, naked from the waste down: I have a penis! Hurray! Hurray! I have a penis!

Walking, or should I say waddling, in to our room naked, pelvis pushed forward, saying: I have a biiigggg penis Daddy!

I actually had no idea that a three year old got erections to this degree. And so often. The other day he took his pants and diaper off three times to show me his "biiiggg penis."


The Boy's relationship with Jesus Christ:

I suppose it's appropriate that all little Jewish boys know how to use JC's name appropriately. It appears TB is a quick learner...

While sitting on the bed with us one morning, TB got right in my husbands face and said: Jeeeesssussss Cccchhhhrrriiist Dddaaadddyyyyyy, I always love you!

And a few days later while driving home in the car during an impending storm, after Amazing Daddy had commented that he hoped they got home before the rain started so they didn't get wet: Oh gosh, oh jesus christ, it's raining...

I know I have other quotables I've been saving up...but damn if I can't remember them now.

The Injectable Crazies

I've been pretty proud of myself over the last month. I was nervous when I started Lupron and what was to come with the stims. I remember four years ago when we did several cycles of IUI with injectables. I was a basket case through most of them. It didn't help that the first cycle we did we used Repronex and I had a horrible pyrogenic (the fever definition, not the rock definition) reaction. For over a week I had a fever of 104F (that's not 100.4, but 104.0, I tend to run hot). No other symptoms, as in no nasal or chest congestion, no rashes (other than the huge welts caused by the shots themselves), only the fever and the massive headache and frequent rigors (makes me sound oh so medical huh? just means I shook from the chills). The fertility clinic refused for a week to believe it was anything other than a virus and kept insisting I go see my primary physician. I figured it would run it's course in 2 or 3 days and I'd be fine. But it didn't, by day 7 I was insisting that it was from the Repronex. Finally, to shut me up, the doctor changed my medication, and low and behold, within 24 hours of stopping the Repronex I was fever free. By then I was able to concentrate at the computer and found some articles supporting the fact that some people do in fact react to Repronex, something to do with the urine it is derived from.

The even suckier part of this was that my ovaries, they did like themselves that Repronex, cause they filled up with follicles. (I often wonder if the fever in my body didn't help a little too, kind of like a little chick incubator.) So many that I had to sign a waver before they would do the IUI, and I know that they shot me early. At the time I didn't, but since I kept records of what was going on, I could see that in future cycles they let my follicles get much bigger. So here I had a drug that worked like crazy on me, with relatively small amounts, but unless I wanted to be on what felt like "death bed" sick, I couldn't take it.

So, that was my start to the injectable world. Of course that cycle didn't work, and neither did the subsequent five cycles. But man oh man did the hormones make me crazy during that time. I became a chat room whore, I cried on a dime, I wanted sex, I didn't want sex. I couldn't stand MYSELF, I don't know how my husband managed to live with me.

Well, this time, I'm proud of myself. Like I said I was nervous getting started. I had heard horror stories about Lupron. But honestly, other than a headache the first week I started stims (likely because of my low estrogen level) I did great. I felt great. No hormone swings, no tears, no super bitchiness.

So yes, I'm proud of myself. I think I'm more mature. I also think that over all I'm just in a better place in my life.

Not to say the crazies can't still hit...