Saturday, March 07, 2009

He thinks they hate him

The other day Noah received a card in the mail. It was from my mother. It was a fairly typical Grandma to Grandson note.

I'm happy that my mother is making an effort with my kids, even if she refuses contact me with.

But that's not why I'm writing this.

After we read the card to Noah, he looked at us, confusion on his face.

"But I thought Mom Mom and PaPa hated me," he said.

"Oh baby, of course they don't hate you, why would you think that?" I said.

"Because they made us leave their house."

I have tried very hard to not say anything in front of Noah about my parents. I really think Rich and I have done a good job about not letting him know what is really going on.

It just kills me that he would think they hate him. I honestly have no idea what they really think of him, but I know they don't hate him.

I want to tell my mother this, but I know she'll just blame me for putting the idea in his head.


  1. While we try to keep complex familial interactions from our children, I think this might be the time to have a little chat.

    He can't possibly understand the dynamics of the situation, but you can't go on letting him think that this is his fault, either (think about the kids of arguing/divorcing parents, for instance, who internalize the conflict).

    We've faced this problem with a relative who has a lot of medical problems. Without going into specifics, I think it really helped my kids to have an honest discussion. Even the younger ones seemed to feel better, even if they didn't quite understand.

    Sit him down and tell him that his grandparents are old and inflexible, and that you left because they were yelling at him. He'll know that you have his back. And he'll know that it wasn't his fault.

    Some reassurances that this isn't a permanent problem might be helpful. It just depends on how much you are willing to fudge.

  2. Ah, thats awful :(
    I can't imagine a child feeling that way.
    Grandparents are to be someone a child KNOWS loves them unconditionally.

    I hope you can ease his mind :)

  3. I am new here and don't know all the details but this is hard.

    My son struggles to realize that my mom still loves him and wants a relationship with his in spite of my issues with her....

  4. Wow - that is a really tough one. I know you have a bottle of wine and some therapy...does Noah? A therapist I vino, yet.

  5. That's a good question. My son has been in therapy since he was 7 and it has been a life saver for us.

  6. Noah did see a therapist for play therapy last summer. It really didn't accomplish much. I think though he may be more ready for that kind of thing now, as he has matured so much in the last six months. They do group therapy in his ES classroom, but I'm not always sure what the topic is. I think it tends more towards school based issues (bullies, friendships, etc).

  7. I am so sorry that you have to go thru this. But I think the earlier comments are very correct. Your son should have a therapist IMHO. I have one. :)

    I also think you should sit down with him and make sure that you help him understand that the problem is between you and your mom and he was more like an innocent bystander that got caught up in the crossfire. I think that will do alot to ease his little soul.