Should the mother of a special needs child have a career?

We've all heard the term work-life balance. 

SAHM, WAHM, or WOHM we all play a balancing act between being a Mom and having something in our life that is our own.

In my case I'm balancing having a family, having a career, and trying to find the time to do the writing I love and the karate that is good for me. Of course being a mom and wife is the biggest chunk of this, but there are times when a deadline at work threatens to tip the scale. Or when a writing commitment I've made takes over a Sunday afternoon.

I am very lucky though. I have a husband that is more than just supportive of my career and my hobbies. He actively encourages me to succeed in both. I also work for a company, and have a boss, that is very understanding of my needs as a mother, and the extra stress of having a special needs child. Honestly, sometimes I get a little teary eyed when I think about just how lucky I am in this regard.

And I need to remind myself of this, because sometimes its the outside pressures that make me forget how lucky I am.

Recently I've felt an incredible (sometimes implied, sometimes direct) pressure from the mental health/special needs community that as the mom of a special needs child I should not be working. The system isn't set up to work outside of the traditional 9 to 5 hours and I am expected to fit our schedule and needs into those hours. 

Finding a therapist to see us in the evening is nearly impossible. And while Rich also has some flexibility with his schedule and we share the responsibility of covering sick days, and teacher in-service days, I'm enough of a micro-manager that I just can't NOT be at every doctor and therapist appointment. 

But again, I'm lucky because my work is so flexible. 

What has really made me feel this pressure lately though is trying to arrange summer camp for Noah this year. We would like him to go to the same camp he attended last summer since it is close and he enjoyed it. The problem is that they require him to have a TSS with him at all times since it is a camp for "typical" kids and the counselors aren't trained to deal with his extreme behaviors. The problem with this is that the insurance company is unlikely to approve the amount of TSS hours we need so he can go every day and keep a schedule somewhat consistent with the days he has during the school year. Which is also necessary for me to go to keep a similar work schedule

Our second choice is a special needs/social skills camp that theoretically should be better equipped to handle his needs, but because of his impulsiveness they aren't sure they will accept him. They have suggested we send him to their half day (9-noon) program. 

Which would be great, except that I have a job! And even if he attends their full day program it is going to be approximately 3 hours of driving a day for me to get him to and from camp every day and then me to and from work.

And that means I change my 6-hour four-day a week schedule to a five-hour five-day a week schedule. And that means I have to send Kiel to day care every day, instead of four days a week. And frankly, I am not OK with that.

But that may be a mute point because they probably aren't going to accept him into their program anyway, which is another blog post completely, because you better believe that pisses me off.

So that brings us back to the "typical" camp and the need for TSS coverage. There is a possibility that the insurance company will deny our request for a TSS and tell us that if he needs full-time support, a typical camp is not the right environment for him. And if they say that, they are under no obbligation (as it has been explained to me anyway) to provide us with an alternative placement. 

The insurance company could also come back to us and deny full-time support but give us fewer hours. Which puts us in a similar position as the special needs camp, because again, if he can only attend part-time what the hell am I supposed to do with my JOB?

I do honestly love my job, and I've said it before on here, I just don't think I would be a good stay at home mom. I am seriously lacking in patience and home making skills for a start. I am however very good at my job. And having a job helps me be a better parent. Not to mention me having a job is what allows us to pay for the psychiatrist that doesn't accept insurance, the therapists that don't accept insurance, and the extracurricular's like soccer and karate. 

Oh yeah, and summer camp. Which is damn expensive. 

So right now, despite feeling like in general I have accomplished a pretty good work-life balance, when it comes to getting my son what he needs I'm pretty much damned if I do, and damned if I don't. 

This post was inspired by the book JUST LET ME LIE DOWN by Kristin van Ogtrop and is part of the Silicon Valley Moms Group book club.

Two great giveaways going on at the MNT Review blog!

$50 LikeWear giveaway! Plus a discount code! They have really fun kids t-shirts. So come on over to my review blog and enter! Your odds are good right now!

I'm also giving away an 18x24 poster print sponsored by Uprinting.com. Shipping is included! You provide your picture and they turn it into an awesome poster! Enter the giveaway here!

I made the papers! And not because I was arrested or found running around the neighborhood nekkid!

Just in case you missed it, my latest Philly Moms Blog post, Return Receipt Requested?. I tackled the issue of the Russian boy that was "sent back" to Russia by the woman that adopted him last September. I'm very excited because it was one of two SVMG posts that was picked up by the McClatchy Company and syndicated in their 30 daily newspapers last Monday. To say I was excited is an understatement.

I also want to link to the post Parents Need Advocacy Too on the DC Metro Moms Blog, which is my inspiration for what I think will be my next post on PMB.

I'm alive, really!

Yikes, it's been over two weeks since I've posted! I've been a little crazyer than normal the last couple weeks just catching up on work and other writing commitments, not to mention the laundry and cleaning the bathrooms and just general mom/wife stuff! I even made a meatloaf recently! I know...I am rockin' this mom shit! 

Then I had a fun episode of strep throat thanks to the giving nature of my 7-year-old last week, and since I'm a big baby when I'm sick I got even more behind in everything. But I did get totally addicted to Virtual Villagers 4: The Tree of Life while I was lazing in bed, too weak to do anything but move my finger on the touch pad between naps.

I have a big deadline at work this week, then I should be able to breathe again. But in the meantime here is a little bit of what's been going on:

Two weeks ago Thor ran out the door on a rainy night and didn't immediately come back inside once he realized his little paws were getting wet. He spent that rainy night and the next miserable rainy day outside. When the sun came out again on day three he still wasn't home. We all freaked out and spent several hours walking the neighborhood and surrounding woods looking for him. We also put up 65 fliers around the neighborhood. 

We have awesome neighbors and one of them found him romping happily at the edge of the woods about two blocks away. He didn't seem all that happy to be home and I'd bet money he scored some kitty smack while he was gone, because he was pretty goofy. We've managed to keep him close to home since then, but I'm not holding my breath that he isn't going to try this again. Teenagers...ughh

Noah had strep throat, Rich stayed home with him for a day, then I got sick and spent four days in bed, because (see above) me = big baby.

I wrote this on the Philly Moms Blog.

And the post I wrote before that was one of the SVMG's Hot Posts of the Week.

I have some new reviews and giveaways up on MNT Review Blog here and here. And have two more to get up in the next couple days.

Earlier this week I dragged Rich and the boys with me to a blogger event hosted by MomSelect and Energizer to launch their Energizer Recharge Smart Charger and announce their "Kids Take Charge" video contest. The contest goes live tomorrow, so as soon as I have a link to it I'll post it here.

Yesterday I attended a mom blogger seminar sponsored by MomSpace. It was awesome! And I finally got to meet the gorgeous and super genuine Joey Fortman, who is going to be my new best friend, I just know it! And if not I'll just stalk her and pretend she is, until the restraining order takes effect anyway. And, Shannon from Chester County Moms, and one of the moderators of the event, absolutely made my day when she came up to me at the end of the morning and introduced herself. She's been a regular commenter on my blog and on Twitter and goofy me didn't put two and two together when she was up in front of all of us doing an amazing job keeping the panel on track!


Noah started spring soccer today and also has his academy soccer going on for another 5 or 6 weeks as well.

And, Noah and I will both be promoting to our next belt rank in karate this week! More about that soon.  

OK, you are now caught up on life in the MNT household. I'll be back soon with more fascinating blog posts, so consider yourself warned! Because at least one is about sex and one is about the frankenvulva, and they aren't even related!

Take those sex offenders somewhere else, we don't want them here! Or do we?

Earlier this week I stood in front of a highly emotional group of parents at my son’s elementary school  and expressed disappointment in their lack of compassion. I was the only person there to speak up publicly and express support for the issue at the heart of the meeting. And while I spoke I was yelled and cursed at. It’s probably an understatement to say I didn’t make any friends that night.

The issue? The creation of a transitional living facility for three older teenage boys convicted of sexual offenses as juveniles.

I’ll stop and give you a few seconds now to pick your jaw up off the floor, because I bet the thought going through your mind right now is “are you freaking kidding me? You are in favor of moving rapists into your community?”

It’s a pretty visceral reaction isn’t it? “Hell no, not in my town!”

And yes, that is what many people spoke up and said at Monday night’s community information session held by Doylestown-based Edison Court, a non-profit organization that specializes in the treatment of juvenile sex offenders, sexual abuse victims and their families.

I urge you to read the articles written in The Intelligencer, our local paper, here, here and here. And then please come back, because I’d like to have a serious and respectful discussion about an issue that is affecting more than just my community of Warrington. I hope you’ll move beyond the initial knee-jerk reaction you might have had when you read my first few sentences and differentiate between your perceived fear and what the real risk is.

I don’t deny this is a serious and scary issue. As a parent with young kids I would do absolutely anything in my power to protect them. I was at that meeting because I wanted to hear more about the issue, and make sure I understood what was being proposed before I took a stand. Because when I heard that juvenile sex offenders would be housed in my community I wanted to know more, so I did some research. And what I found out didn’t scare me. In fact, I was proud to know that we have an organization like Edison Court in Bucks County; an organization that is doing some amazing work with teenagers that would otherwise be lost to the system. Yes, these kids did something horrible, because no matter how you spin it, sexual offenses are horrible. These are also kids that in most cases would be part of a system that managed them, but didn’t treat them. And then at age 21, they would be released from the system regardless of suitability or treatment compliance. You might say the kids at the heart of this issue got lucky, because they qualified for and entered a program that is set up to provide intensive therapy and rehabilitation and is giving them a chance to become productive members of society. The fact is that there is a difference between the juvenile sex offenders Edison Court works with, and the violent, pedophilic adult sex offenders that so many people think of when they hear the words “sex offender.”

So I attended that meeting to listen, and see if any of those initial, visceral fears I had were founded. While I do believe that most people deserve second chances, especially kids, I’m not willing to give someone a second chance at the real risk of my own family being hurt.

I assumed I would be witnessing a civil conversation between Edison Court and members of my community. Naively, I expected a respectful dialogue that would address our fears and help us as a community understand the real issues and the real risks of this project. The reality is that the individuals they want to place in this transitional living environment are three teenagers that have successfully completed a rigorous inpatient treatment program over a 2.5 to 3 year period, but do not have a family that is able to, or that they are willing to, go back to. They have earned the right to increased community interaction. While the crimes they committed are by definition horrible, they were not done using aggression or weapons.

Instead, I witnessed some very un-civil behavior directed at the representatives of Edison Court as they stood in front of a largely hostile crowd and attempted to answer our questions and help us understand the real issues. Most of the people in the audience didn’t want to hear that what was being proposed would add an additional layer of support and protection not only for these teenagers, but for the community at large. Because the reality is that if this transitional living facility doesn’t come to fruition, these teenagers will be released into the community on their own, with no supervision.

There were a few people that asked good questions and spoke of their fear and concerns in a respectful manner. Unfortunately, the majority of people that spoke up made it clear with their actions and voice that they didn’t want to hear the answers or explanations. Several people yelled, a few cursed. There were shouts of “liar” from the crowd. It was clear that most of the people there had made up their mind on this issue before the meeting even started. And they were mad! And scared. And nothing that was said was going to change what they believed.

Some people came prepared with statistics, and newspaper articles, and definitions. The only problem was the information they were “sharing” was about violent adult sex offenders and wasn’t relevant to the juvenile offenders that Edison Court works with. Several times I heard statements from the crowd that “these deviants can’t be rehabilitated.”

As I listened to my neighbors speak against this project I found myself disappointed with my own community. First, because many of the people that spoke up commended Edison Court for what they were doing, but made it very clear that they should go somewhere else to do it. “Not in my back yard! Let another town deal with it.” One woman even stood up from her seat and yelled “If their own parents don’t want them, why should we?”

I sat there wondering what had happened to our humanity. When did we lose our compassion for other people? When did we lose our ability to reason? And why is it OK to push off our problems onto another community? And I realized that no one was going to speak up in support of this project, or these kids. Not a single person raised their voice to say “hey, you guys aren’t listening! You aren’t looking at the real issue. You have scared yourselves silly but you don’t understand the real risk.” Were there people there thinking as I did? Were they just too scared to stand up and say it, I wondered?

There is a theory in social psychology called the “spiral of silence” that asserts that a person is less likely to voice an opinion on a topic if he/she feels they are in the minority, for fear of reprisal or isolation from the majority. I can relate to that fear because I too sat in that meeting with no plan to voice my opinion. I sat through 2 ½ hours of that meeting before I couldn’t take it any longer and after listening to one particularly idiotic blow-hard, I stood up. I walked to the front of that room, took the microphone, and told the people there that I was disappointed in their lack of compassion and reason.

I’ll be honest; I don’t remember exactly what I said. At one point I remember thinking, “oh crap, that’s really me talking.” I know that I was trying to ask the crowd to listen, to try and understand what was being proposed, and to stop fanning the flame of a misguided fear. I remember telling a woman that was yelling at me that what she was screaming about wasn't the real problem. And when a woman in the front row started swearing at me, I stood there and waited until she was done, then started talking again.

By the time I finished and walked back to my seat I was shaking. But I knew I had done the right thing. Continuing to sit there and listen to the misinformed fear of my peers and say nothing, was wrong. Even though I know I didn’t change anyone’s mind, and I'm sure I could have said it better, I’m proud of myself.

And when I went to bed that night I knew I had done the right thing. I'm still wondering if I was the only person in that room in favor of this project. Or maybe I am just incredibly naive.  

This post was original written for the Philly Moms Blog, which is no longer live.