Friday, February 18, 2011

Things here really suck.

I haven't written in a while because it was just too much. Too much shit to put out in the universe.

But that doesn't seem to be helping, so maybe I do need to write.

Life with Noah sucks right now. It's hard not to resent the hell out of him for creating such chaos in our family. I know it's not his fault, but that rarely makes it easier to live with.

His meltdowns have become rages. Animal like rages. You look into his eyes and you see something you have never seen before. He screams, he cries, he slams and bangs and throws, and hurls hate at us. And these happen at least once a day.

A couple weeks ago he went into a rage because he didn't like the bagel I had for his snack before vision therapy. I had to restrain him. Twenty minutes into it I had them call Rich to leave work and come help me. It took 50 minutes from the start of it to get him to a point we could get him to the car. It was horrifying to have to sit in the therapy room trying to restrain him and knowing everyone in the waiting room was hearing him scream that I was hurting him, that he couldn't breath, that he was going to kill me, kill Kiel...and on and on and on.

I am thankful that no one called the police that day. I am even more thankful that no one in our neighborhood has called them considering the daily screaming matches and the times he has banged on his window for "help."

And then in between the rages he apologizes and can be as sweet as sugar and I renew my efforts to stay calm and do whatever I can to help him.

I'm tired. I'm tired of so many things. I'm tired of fighting to get the school to understand what he needs, especially since I'm not really sure what that is myself.

I'm tired of dealing with his poop. And finding poop balls in the dryer because he hides poopy underwear in the laundry. And I'm tired of pee. I don't even want to go into his bedroom because of the smell. And he doesn't care! He doesn't care that it stinks, that sometimes he stinks. He doesn't care that sometimes poop falls out of his underwear and onto the floor of his classroom, which has so grossed out his teacher she has suggested we send him to school in a pull-up.

I am so tired of his refusal to do almost anything we tell him to do. OMG, how dare we expect him to be responsible for something.

I'm tired of waking up at night and realizing that once again he isn't sleeping and he's downstairs watching TV or raiding the cupboards for contraband.

I'm tired of trying to keep things "normal" for Kiel, who is so sensitive to what is going on with Noah that he is constantly asking all of us if we are happy and apologizing for things that he had nothing to do with.

And I am so tired of people, who I know have the best of intentions, telling me they understand when I know they can't have a fucking clue what it is like. You with your "normal" kids and your "normal" difficulties have no idea the hell it is to live with a child like Noah. I don't want your advice. I don't want to hear what worked with your "normal" kids. Because it doesn't work with Noah. Believe me, we've tried.

And yes, I have been talking to his doctor. We are adjusting medication. We are trying not to take it personally. I know it is the RAD and the bipolar. I know that. But it doesn't make it any easier to deal with when he's screaming at you that he wants you dead.



  1. Baby, I UNDERSTAND.

    I spent the entire time nodding. I UNDERSTAND and I commiserate, but I have no answers for you. Just take every day one at a time, one foot in front of the other and know that I get it.

    It sucks.

  2. So sorry! Trauma sucks! Mine has been screaming all day today, too.

  3. I'm sorry things are so rough for you and your family. I'm sending positive thoughts and energy your way, and hoping you can quickly find something that makes things even a little bit better.

  4. I felt like I was reading about both my kids 12 years ago. I, too, am so sorry it has gotten this rough. I wish there was something I could do to make it better. I hope Noah is able to calm down a bit in coming days and that you will be able to find out what is triggering this behavior.

  5. I have no fucking clue. I hope it helps to have people who know and love you read your writings, but that's about all I can offer you. That, and my sincere wishes for ease and health for you and your family.

  6. hugs. just hugs. and know that i am sending positive energy your way.

  7. I won't even begin to say I understand. You are in a place that we are not. We have crazy, but not out of control. So, I send you hugs. Lots and lots of hugs.

  8. I am so sorry to hear how impossible things are at the moment. Sending you hugs and strength!

  9. I'm sorry. for you. for your husband. for Noah. for Kiel. I hope that "getting it out" has helped release a bit of the stress.

    I do not know. I don't understand. My sister-in-law is on Lexapro. She says that it does not change my nephew's behavior ( he is autistic), but it helps her not be as anxious about it.

    Thank you for your honesty and openness. there are other families suffering and they may need to hear that they are not alone.

  10. Ugh. I'm so sorry and I hope things have started to improve since you wrote this.

  11. OMG...just reading this, I felt as if you are writing about me and our family!! This morning was horrific with him and I am emotionally drained now!! Things dont help that my hubby is also ADHD and they can really go at each other....its sad & scary! My girls are effected, hell- we all are....and, as you said....NO ONE can understand what we are going thru!!

    I can only hope that it gets better...however, it only seems to be getting worse!

    Thanks for letting me know that there is someone else out there who totally gets what I feel!

  12. Katt...We haven't chatted in a while. I went MIA and came back and you were MIA. If you need an ear, someone to drink wine with over the phone or just want to yell shit, I'm your girl! Seriously.

  13. don't stop writing - even when it is so very, very hard. writing it down helps purge and renew you for the next ten minutes with your challenged kid. it also serves as a document of what is happening in your home so you have proof for therapists and doctors. it's easy to forget when, where and what with our kids. blogging helps make it clearer and in some cases, track patterns (paticularly with bpd). FYI, you use moodchart dot org, yes? It helped IMMENSELY to chart Sissy and discover her cycle. (she's rapid cycling with either psychoses, schizoid affect or just plain schizophrenia - jury's still out)

  14. I DON't have a clue, REALLY, but have to cheer on yr writing & the strength that you keep renewing!

    Sissy's mom & you are on to a MAJOR lifeline, & when all is totally outta-control & hopeless, that's no small thing. Providing room to breath, purge to a degree, & (after surviving the real trauma to yourself in that moment), the op to see patterns (w/ your team) that you can work w/... Not to mention all of the countless others who you are affirming, supporting, and providing a reality-check for, as well.

    Much love & ((((hugs)))), too!