Movie Monday

Eeeekkk....there's a shark in the pool!

Bloggy thoughts to ponder

I've reached a point with my blog where I think I need to make some decisions. Over the last couple months I've been gaining readers and it has made me realize how much I enjoy blogging. And that I want to do more with it. I've joined some blog communities like what Mell has created at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters and of course the Philly Mom Bloggers (PMB) group (you can see all our members on my sidebar).

I've also started some recurring weekly posts on here, including Movie Monday, Tackle it Tuesday, Wordless Wednesday and Show and Tell. I like the structure they offer and the impetuous to post regularly.

So, I'm growing a bit and I feel I need to make some decisions.

1. Re. my anonymity
I moved blogs a few weeks ago because of my coworker and boss reading my old blog. Well, it turns out my coworker found me again. Don't ask, she had to put some work in to finding me, but apparently she was determined.
So, it started me thinking that really, it's impossible for me to keep this blog anonymous unless I password protect it, which I don't want to do. So, I have a couple choices if I want to keep blogging. I either censor myself knowing that people in my real life are reading, or, I learn to not care. And I adopt the attitude that if they choose to read they take the risk that they might not like what I have to say.
I've decided to go the "learn not to care" route but remember that "words are powerful."

My husband knows he is welcome to read any time, but he rarely does. He accepts that this is my place to vent.
My parents know about my blog but have chosen not to read it and as far as I know do not know how to find it. Which is a good thing, because my mother would be horrified I'm sure.
As for my coworker and boss? Well, if she/they want to read I guess they will have to accept that they too might not like everything on here. I do follow some guidelines, always have, which include not posting where I work, the company name, our clients names, etc., or what specifically I do. I'm not going to bash my company, etc. However, if I have a tough day or need to vent about my coworkers, this should be my place to do it. I don't purposely set out to hurt anyone and have no plans on intentionally being mean. What I can't help is that some of them are incredibly sensitive.

Should I be more careful of what I say on here in general, especially if I make it more public to those in my real life, specifically my friends, that I have this blog?

The fact is, that very few people in our life know the origins of Kiel. It has nothing to do with us being embarrassed, but more that it is hard to explain to people and we think that it should be something for Kiel to share if he wants when he is older. Not us. It isn't as "in your face" as Noah's adoption is. But, that leaves me with the issue that no one in Rich's family knows about it.

I don't want to delete that part of my blog because I like that others can find it and learn about our story, and it might help them if they are going through it.

2. also, re. my anonymity
I already post pics of my family. It seems kind of silly that I use pseudonyms to refer to them. I'm thinking that I may just use their names from now on. It would certainly be a whole lot easier that way.

3. Am I ready for a total blog makeover?
As in, am I ready to put out some money for a new blog design? I think I am. I just don't know what I want it to look like. I've never been good at being creative from scratch unfortunately. I'm much better once I have the idea in my head, then I can make it work.

4. Should I allow ad's?
I was recently emailed an offer for a behavior program for kids for free if I would review and link to it from my blog. I could actually make some money if people buy it from my referral. I need to look in to it some more, but it does look like there aren't any real downsides to it. Unless of course I think the whole thing is crap. Then I certainly would not advertise it on here.
That offer got me thinking, plus some conversations I've had with some of the PMB's and I think I may see what happens if I do put ads on in general.

What do you guys think? I'd love to hear from those of you that don't keep your blog anonymous.

Show and Tell

Every year at Christmas I receive a new Danish Christmas plate. They used to come from my Grandmother and now from my parents. These plates are a tradition in my family. My parents have a large collection with plates going back to around the 1920's I believe.

My family on my mother's fathers side is Danish. My great grandparents both emigrated from Denmark to the US, independently of each other, when they were teenagers back in the early 1900's. I never knew my great-grandfather, but I was quite close with my great-grandmother until she passed away when I was 14.

Two companies in Denmark make these plates: Royal Copenhagen and Bing & Grøndahl.

According to this site: The Danish Christmas Plate Collection began in 1895 with a plate titled "Behind the Frozen Window" by the Bing & Grondahl company. The Royal Copenhagen firm began making their own Christmas Plate in 1908 with a plate titled "Maria with Child". Both companies have continued to make a plate each year with many varied and charming designs.

These are two of my favorites:

The oldest plates I have are from 1957:

I especially like the one of the Christmas tree as it shows a couple items that remind me of my great-grandmother. I have a candle holder and candle similar to the one on the tree that used to be hers. (Don't worry, it has never been lit.) She used to help me make the two-colored heart that is on the plate. They actually open up and are little bags/baskets. They will always remind me of her.

Receiving one of these plates is always one of the highlights for me at Christmas. I look forward every year to hanging another one on my dining room wall.

Graphic help needed!

I'm looking for someone to help me design a logo for Mommy Needs Therapy. If anyone out there is interested and will do it for reasonable compensation please contact me. mommyneedstherapy @ gmail (dot) com.

My 200th post!!

To celebrate my 200th post I wanted to do something special. I know this isn't all that original, but it's all I could think of. So, here are 200 things about me!

1. I'm not sure I can come up with 200 things about me
2. I like cats
3. I like dogs
4. I do NOT like birds
5. I have two boys
6. I'd love to be pregnant again
7. I've been married almost eight years
8. We live in a townhouse
9. I wish we lived in a real house with our own yard
10. However, I hate to do yard work
11. I used to own my own house
12. I did not have the best yard on the block
13. I did however have awesome wood floors that I refinished myself
14. I like to do creative projects around the house
15. I put down the laminate floor in our refinished basement myself
16. I've done all the creative painting in our house
17. I hate the prep work and clean up of painting
18. but I'm pretty darn good at the actual painting
19. Our bedroom is the only room in the house we haven't painted yet
20. This is because Amazing Daddy and I can't agree on a color
21. I let my seven month old watch the Teletubbies
22. I may be a bad mom
23. I am not a morning person
24. My ideal day would start at 9am
25. And I wouldn't go to bed until 1am
26. And there would be a nap sometime in the afternoon
27. I tend to have the TV on all day, even if I'm not watching it
28. I spend far too much time on my laptop
29. I love my job - most of the time
30. But my boss can drive me crazy at times
31. I think I am good at what I do
32. I get hurt when I find out someone has not been honest with me
33. I loved being pregnant
34. It was the only time in my life I was happy with my body
35. My breasts have always fascinated me
36. I love that I can breastfeed my baby
37. Even if I have to take fenugreek and domperidone to keep my supply up
38. Pumping however, is a bit of a chore
39. I make my own baby food for Kiel
40. Sometimes I make vegetables for him that I don't like - like beets
41. I sometimes think I am funnier than I really am
42. I like to sew
43. and do needlepoint
44. and crochet
45. I love to read
46. Right now I am reading Seven Ancient Wonders by Matt Reilly
47. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be able to come up with 200 things
48. I'm actually pretty damn boring
49. I'm a couch potato
50. I hate exercising
51. I really hate being hot and sweaty
52. I love to take baths
53. I love to read in the baths
54. I can spend an hour or more in the bath if I get the time
55. I rarely get the time
56. I have my own little sewing business
57. It is very little
58. In fact, it has been almost a year since I have accepted any orders.
59. I wish I could draw
60. I love nap time.
61. I'm not very good at keeping up with my kids baby books.
62. In fact I downright suck at it.
63. My husband and I met in a chat room in May 1999.
64. He came to visit me nine years ago this week.
65. Our first date lasted a week.
66. Yes, we had The Sex on our first "date."
67. But we had been talking on the phone every day for over a month by then.
68. I fell in love with him before I ever met him in person.
69. Adopting Noah and giving birth to Kiel were the two most amazing things I have ever done.
70. Better even than the first time I soloed when taking flying lessons.
71. Oh yeah, I took flying lessons when I was 22.
72. I ran out of money to get my pilots license.
73. I was a licensed EMT when I was 18.
74. I rocked the exams, but never had the confidence to really do anything with it.
75. I was going to be a doctor.
76. But I decided I wanted more of a life than that would allow me.
77. So I went to pharmacy school.
78. But that was after I was the Assistant Director of Campus Safety at the college I graduated from.
79. I decided I did not like busting fraternity parties.
80. I would rather be drinking at them.
81. My mother suggested I be a pharmacist.
82. So I said OK.
83. Not much thought went in to that decision.
84. It's worked out OK for me though.
85. I don't like beer
86. but I love hard cider
87. I prefer to read fiction over non-fiction
88. I prefer interesting and exciting fiction over what others consider "good writing"
89. I can be incredibly shy
90. I hate large gatherings
91. I suck at small talk
92. Given a choice, I'd rather be at home
93. unless it has to do with going out to a fancy restaurant
94. I love to drink wine.
95. I also love fru fru fruity type drinks
96. I used to be hugely addicted to Diet Coke
97. I play the piano
98. I used to play the trombone
99. Yes, I was a band geek in high school
100. I was also the valedictorian
101. and graduated with a 4.0
102. and was voted most likely to succeed
103. and most intelligent
104. they were all very mislead
105. I was sophomore class president
106. in college I was a Delta Gamma
107. in pharmacy school I was in a co-ed fraternity, Kappa Psi
108. I did not have a 4.0 in pharmacy school
109. however, I was voted outstanding graduate in my class
110. I did 'shrooms with one of my pharmacy professors
111. it was fascinating
112. but I won't do it again because I liked it far to much
113. my favorite flowers are spring flowers - lilacs, tulips, daffodils, peony's
114. I always wanted to get married in the spring, and carry lilacs
115. instead I was married in the fall
116. I don't remember what flowers I carried
117. My house is a mess
118. I am NOT a good house keeper
119. I wish I could afford to hire someone to clean for me
120. I'm a decent cook
121. and a great baker
122. but I really hate to make dinner
123. unless it is for a dinner party
124. I've made and decorated cakes that others have told me looked professional
125. If i could make a living doing something creative like that I would
126. but I could never make enough money
127. I have expensive tastes
128. We have three cats
129. We used to have four, but one had butt cancer
130. I used to have a Bouvier named Sabena
131. She had a stroke when she was 15 years old
132. She had to wear a diaper towards the end
133. I've backpacked around Europe and the United Kingdom
134. I spent a semester in college in Stirling, Scotland
135. I've climbed to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa
136. I've kissed the Blarney Stone
137. I know how to drive a stick
138. I grew up on a farm
139. I used to have my own pig
140. his name was Wilbur
141. I also had my own pitchfork
142. When I was a kid my job was to collect the eggs from the hen house
143. Chickens can be mean
144. Did I mention I'm scared of birds?
145. I got in big trouble at work because of something I said on Twitter
146. It is the reason I changed my blog name
147. I really wish I could be pregnant again
148. and have another baby
149. maybe when Kiel is three
150. but it will be too late by then
151. and my husband would have a fit
152. My wrists and hands are failing me
153. I had carpel tunnel surgery on my right hand just before the IVF procedure that resulted in Kiel
154. I'm not very good at playing with Noah
155. I lose my patience very quickly
156. I still haven't sent out birth announcements for Kiel
157. but I do think I finally figured out where I am going to order them from
158. I love chocolate
159. but prefer white/vanilla cake over chocolate cake
160. I'm not very good at eating my vegetables
161. I eat too much junk
162. I still have a teddy bear
163. and I sleep with it at night
164. I wish I was a better writer
165. I still have a lot to learn when it comes to grammar
166. but I write for a living
167. I'm not good with confrontation
168. I try very hard to admit and acknowledge when I am wrong
169. or hurt someone
170. I miss my grandmother terribly
171. I'm a picker
172. I was born in England
173. but we moved back to the states when I was two
174. Growing old scares me.
175. turning 40 this year was hard for me
176. My husband is Jewish
177. we are raising our boys Jewish
178. I'm not religious
179. but I love Christmas
180. I really hate dieting
181. I'm not ready yet to move Kiel out of our room in to his own.
182. I miss him when I'm at work during the day.
183. I do see a therapist.
184. She helps me more than wine.
185. But I still drink wine.
186. Sometimes I get sucked in to infomercials.
187. I never return my library books on time.
188. But, I always pay my overdue fines.
189. I'd like to see this blog become something.
190. I've been asked to contribute on another much larger blog.
191. I'm very excited about doing that.
192. I really cherish having my alone time.
193. If I don't get it I get very bitchy.
194. I love to travel,
195. but I love coming home even more.
196. I love buying books and toys for my children.
197. I hate putting laundry away.
198. I also hate unloading the dishwasher.
199. I love my husband and my kids, even when they drive me crazy.
200. I know that I am a very lucky woman.

Wow, I made it! And if you read all of these I'm amazed and pleasantly surprised.

A big thank you to all my readers! It means so much to me that there are people out there that want to read what I write. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Wordless Wednesday

(Did not) Tackle it Tuesday

Home with sick baby today. Unfortunately, the only thing I tackled today was taking a shower. Didn't think before and after pics would be appreciated.

Will be home with baby again tomorrow. My goal is to at least hang up the pictures I framed last week. Aim high I say!

So, I'm two posts away from hitting 200. Any thoughts on what I should do for that 200th post? Seems like I should try for something special.

More serious stuff

Saturday night we scored a baby sitter and went out with some friends for dinner. We had a great time. I drank and ate excessively in moderation and promised to embarrass Amazing Daddy at least twice behave like a grown up.

Anyway...this post isn't about my drunkenness exemplary behavior. Instead, it's some more of my thoughts on The Boy.

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I commented to AD after we left that it was interesting to me that The Boy doesn't get upset when we leave him with a baby sitter now that Baby Brother is there too. It used to be hell for us to leave him, as he would get very upset. In one sense it was a relief for us that he did get upset as it was a good sign of attachment. But now, he's all "yeah, whatever, see ya later dudes."

My thought was that now that BB is there he's acting like the big brother and being brave.

AD's thought was that he's not worried that we won't come home because he knows we would never leave BB.

I thought my heart was going to break when he said that.

TB has so much anxiety. So many things that worry him, although he is not really able to verbalize what is going on in his head.* I really wonder if that is what he is thinking. That we love BB so much we would never leave him, which in turn means we will come home. So because of that he is safe.

So now I wonder what I have done that might have him thinking that way? That maybe I love BB more than I love him.

I know that after BB was born I pulled back from TB. The postpartum depression was rough, and all I seemed capable of doing was taking care of BB. I had nothing left for AD or TB for the first two months. I remember how my anxiety would peak every day about 4:45pm, just before AD and TB would come home.

I had absolutely no patience for TB then. And, I cried all the time, which really upset him. No matter what he was doing he would stop and promise to be a good boy. It killed me then to hear him say that, even though I assured him over and over I wasn't crying because of anything he did.

BB is so easy to love. He's just an easy baby. He is sweet, and cuddly and easy going and funny. TB can be sweet and cuddly and funny too. But he is definitely not easy going. He is not easy to be with. I love him so much, but it is not always easy.

Now I worry that he knows that. That he worries that we might leave him. I don't ever want him to worry that we won't be there for him. No matter how frustrated I get he is my son and I love him. I don't love BB any more, or TB any less.

How do I fix this?



*I think he comes by that naturally as AD is the same way.

Movie Monday - You say Lara

The Boy has had the same teacher for two years, her name is Lara. I have never been able to pronounce it correctly. I'm not even sure I can hear that am not saying it correctly. Apparently I do not say Erin correctly either. *sigh*

This was our dinner conversation one night last week.

Ahhh..my little linguist.

my mother

My relationship with my mother is complicated. Actually, my relationship with my parents is complicated. It is more obvious however with my mother because she is the one I communicate with more. My Dad is more of the strong, silent type. Not often affectionate. Very much that stereotypical father figure from the 70's.

Right now my mom and I are only communicating via email other than the obligatory phone calls home for holidays, birthdays, etc. Her emails consist of two or three sentences about once a week. My responses are less often, but tend to be much longer and more narrative of what is going on with the boys. About once a month I send a DVD to them with videos and pictures on it of the boys.

As I said in an earlier post my parents seemed like they couldn't get out of here fast enough the last time they visited. I wrote about the incident at the Franklin Institute and how they reacted to it.

Several weeks ago I was talking with my mother on the phone about how difficult TB has been lately and how if we just got a break now and then it would make such a difference. Her response - "That's what being a parent is. You wanted kids." Huh, very helpful right? Like I don't know that.

That response should not have been a surprise to me. It's typical of our interactions with each other. I will feel like we are having a good conversation, so I'll open up a bit more, share my feelings with her, thinking she understands, and then get put in my place like that. What I'm really looking for is just some acknowledgement from her that she understands that sometimes it's hard. That sometimes I just need to vent and be listened to.

So, after that last time I decided that I was going to hang back for a bit. Thus the emails. But even that tends to bite me in the ass. A couple weeks ago I said something about how sad I felt that they didn't seem to want to see TB anymore, and how hurt I was that they left so quickly last time (in the middle of a snow storm mind you). She responded to the other things in the email, but has said not one word about that.

My mother did not have a good relationship with her own mother. I've written about my grandmother before and what a great relationship she and I had. I never really could understand why my mother seemed to resent her so much, her own mother! I swore I was going to break that cycle and not allow it to happen with my own mother, but in so many ways I feel like she isn't giving me a choice. Why do we let our parents have so much control over us?

What do they say the definition of insanity is? Doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different outcome?

Yeah, see why I need therapy?

**Black Hockey Jesus at The Wind in Your Vagina, wrote a post about his father a few days ago. In it he also referenced the definition of insanity. At the time he posted his I had this sitting in my drafts, not sure if I was ready to post it or not. If you aren't reading this guy you should be. He is hysterically funny and sometimes borders on the insane. Plus he needs some more followers on Twitter it appears.