Giant blob of nothing? Or just the most depressing day of the year?

Imagine my surprise to find out today is the most depressing day of the year. So it's really not that I'm just a giant blob of nothingness?

Just a crappy day - first day back after hand surgery, my incision isn't healing well and the stitches dissolved before they should have, The Boy was more than a handful yesterday, and apparently the hormones are making me a little crazy this time.

I just wrote a big blurb about working and feeling under appreciated, blah, blah, blah, but I deleted it since there is always the chance someone from work could read this. Let me just say Congrat's NG, you deserve it, I'm just sorry that the balance I've been waiting to get back for the last four months isn't going to happen after all. So yeah, being the lowest paid and having the cube by the bathroom is kind of bothering me.

I came home crying tonight and Amazing Daddy thinks I've really lost my mind. Poor guy.

I don't think staying home last week and doing nothing but read, sleep, eat and watch TV was all that great for my mental health.

Overshadowing all of this wallowing we found out last Friday that one of our cats has cancer. He had a lump removed from his butt last week and the pathology came back indicating its an adenocarcenoma. Apparently the prognosis is poor. He's ten, and one of the sweetest, easy going cats I've ever known. More like a dog sometimes. He's incredibly needy and would be in our laps all the time if possible. Almost too needy, especially at 4 in the morning. So now he's walking around with one of those goofy collars on his neck so he can't lick his hiney. We could take him to a specialist and give him chemo, but that just doesn't seem right. Plus, to be quite frank, we just don't have the cash for that right now. This lump removal has already cost us close to a grand.

And talk about money. We have to go to a Bat Mitzvah in South Carolina for AD's best friends daughter in March. So two plane tickets, two or three nights at a hotel, a rental car, at least two new outfits (cause not only is there the service and a luncheon, but also a dinner reception that evening (cocktail attire, doncha know)) and despite what AD says I can't wear the same outfit to both events. And don't forget the gift for the bat mitzvah girl. And since they are rich I guess the check has to be even more than usual (apparently the going rate is between $150 and $300 these days). This is one Jewish custom I just don't get. I do not understand treating a bar or bat mitzvah like a freaking wedding.

And to add insult to injury, AD told this friend of his last fall that I'd lost 50 pounds (which was way more than I had really lost) despite my asking him not to. So you can imagine how excited I am to see them considering I gained it all back with this damn fertility shit. Of course it's all my insecurities coming out, but damn it, I've never felt very comfortable with them.

The only thing that will save me now is if I get pregnant, because AD has said in the past he doesn't want me to travel during the first trimester. But you know, that won't happen because I'm fertily cursed.

catching up

I had carpel tunnel surgery on my right hand last week, so that's my excuse for not blogging for the last week. The several weeks before that I have no excuse for.

So right now I'm typing with a splint on, eating cannoli's and watching American Idol. I'm on vacation this week, which is somewhat disappointing since I can't do anything cause my damn hand hurts. Amazing Daddy is of course very supportive and frequently tells me I should be taking it easy and not pushing it, but could I please just give the cat his pills, make dinner, go to the store, etc. while giving me attitude when I remind him I can't wash the dishes in the sink because I can't get my stitches wet, although I did manage to unload and load the dishwasher and fold the three baskets of laundry he's been stepping over in the hall for the last week.

I did do something very exciting this morning though. I bought a new sewing machine! Finally, no more piece of crap 20 year old machine from Sears. It's like going from a go kart to a Mercedes. Hopefully soon I'll be able to actually play with it. Part of the excitement was that I earned the money myself from my sewing business (making weighted vests and blankets for sensory and autistic kids, on the piece of crap machine no less). And, I stayed in my budget but was still able to buy a Brother embroidery machine.

Let's see, what else. The Boy is being evaluated by a child psychologist this week. She was observing at preschool this morning and his teachers told me he was a freaking little angel. She wanted to know who we sent to school this morning because it was not our son. He actually sat in circle and raised his hand waiting to be called on. Apparently he's never done that before. Ever. Basically he was a perfect almost 4 year old this morning while she was there. The minute she walked out the door he turned in to a monster and had to be physically removed from the room.

He's so f'ing smart, and been evaluated so often, that he just assumed she was there for him and turned in to master manipulator. Can't wait to see how our eval at her office on Friday goes.

On the IF front, Lupron started yesterday. We paid for the cycle in December so the "tough" part is done. Since its a donor frozen embryo cycle I don't have to stim, just suppress with the Lupron and use estrogen patches after I get my Lupron period. I have a feeling that the transfer will be around PA's birthday, so we aren't planning a big party for him. My parents will be in for the weekend and we'll have the MIL over for the day. He still has Christmas presents he hasn't opened, so he won't be hurting in that area. Having a party for him is just too stressful right now, for him and me.

And that's about all my hand can take tonight.

4:18 and The Boy is still napping. Of course he'll wake at any moment now that I've put that I've actually written this. Well, I'll try to get something interesting on my blog here anyway.

And then, the phone rings.

And now it's 7:18 and I'll have to try again later.

Hanukkah, schmanukkah

Oh my goodness but I've been drowning in a sea of work the past few weeks. I feel like I'm back in school, bringing work home with me every night, working on the weekends etc. This seems to happen every December. The pharma companies I consult for all want to use up their budgets before they lose them at end of year, so throw a shit load of projects at us. Of course they want them done and waiting for them when they come back from their two week holiday. So I'm working my ass off, and I canceled my vacation for earlier this month (did I already bitch about this?) but I will take time off over Christmas to visit my family in Michigan. We leave Friday and if I have to stay up all night tonight and tomorrow I will get this last project done. It's interesting how my technical writing gets a bit, how shall we say it, fanciful when I'm working on these reports at midnight.

So I had to take a few minutes to write this post, despite the fact I should be getting The Boy to bed soon so I can work some more. I had to write this post because I need to vent a bit about what happened this weekend.

I married in to a some what bizarre family. Not that my family is much better, believe me, we have our dirty laundry too. But, Amazing Daddy's family, oy, talk about dysfunctional. His older brother (by eight years) has the typical I'm the oldest son of the family mentality, yet he really has no patience for his own mother and her rapidly aging mind. They have had "issues" with pretty much everyone else in the extended family (basically all cousins at this point) and have very little to do with any of them. My SIL has been feuding with her family for years, and when her mother passed away a couple weeks ago all we heard from them is that her family didn't include her in any of the funeral plans etc. Yeah, well, after this weekend, it's going to be hard to convince me that the reason for all this "we just don't get along" shit lies firmly on my BIL and SIL's shoulders.

Weeks ago I invited BIL and SIL and their two grown sons (one with wife and toddler) over for a Hanukkah party for the family. Me, the non jew of the family, trying very hard to keep the family together and celebrate their special holidays. So for three days I prepare for this event, you know, cooking, making chocolate gelt, I even made the blue star of david jello mold. So, party set to start at 4pm, six pounds of brisket in the oven, and ten pounds of potatoes on hand for latkes, at 1pm BIL calls to say younger nephew is sick and that his face hurts (from the removal of a growth a few days prior). Of course we say we understand and we'll get together with them after we get back from Michigan. So we call oldest nephew just to make sure they are still coming, and to let them know they can come earlier if they want. They are a bit wishy washy on the phone and say they have to talk to L (SIL). Five minutes later they call and tell us plans have changed and they aren't coming, because they have to go to BIL and SIL's. Something about they were going their first. So, to make a long, boring story short, I was out manipulated by BIL and SIL. If they couldn't see oldest son and first grandchild that day, they weren't going to let us see them. It's not like we see them very often, so I'm not sure why they would feel this was a competition or something.

So I was pissed, because damn it I spent a lot of time getting ready (time I really could have used on work stuff or spending time with my own son) and no one came.

I'd say that's the last time I offer to entertain them at our house, but it wouldn't matter, because they would never get the point.

I'm not mad at older nephew and family, because I know they have to walk a thin line with his parents, and get manipulated by them often. Of course they never seem to have the balls to stand up to passive-aggressive SIL. Just like SH won't stand up to his big brother.

This family drives me crazy. And we'll be eating brisket for a week. But damn, it's one good brisket. And I do make divine latkes for a shikse!

OK, enough whining. Next post I tell you about constipated kitty and the growth on his ass!

embryo updates

Several of you have commented or emailed recently asking what was going on with our donor embryo plan.

Something to know about me, when I've made a decision to do something I tend to stop talking/writing about it since in my head it is a done deal. Anyway, we are moving forward with the DET. I'll start Lupron after my next period, then the ET after that. I think this will put us in February for the transfer, since Aunt Flo is due to visit us again around Christmas time. Yes, a true red Christmas.

The only obstacle I foresee right now is that I may need surgery on my wrist. I have an appointment this week with the hand surgeon. If I do (which at this point I just want to do and get it over with) I'm hoping they will do it soon so it is out of the way before this cycle and a potential pregnancy.

Of course, just by saying that I've jinxed myself in to failure.

A little bit of cuteness to brighten your day.

conifers and powder, oh my

Well hello Saturday afternoon! The Boy is napping; all hail the holy spirits of naptitude! And with trusty work laptop on my lap (of course) I am successfully procrastinating doing every thing that I should do (as in; write holiday letter, finish Kodak projects, start work project that has me seriously stressed out to the point of cancelling my week of vacation this month, and all other mommy/wifely duties). And since I am feeling some what witty (although what sounds so funny in my head rarely makes it out of my fingers and on to the screen as humorous as I want) I figure I'd take some time and update my bloggy friends on the goings on in my world.

Christmas tree is up, and looking mighty fine if I do say so myself. Following my family tradition we went on the great tree hunt as soon after Thanksgiving as possible. I've groomed my son well apparently, because all talk prior to the hunt was about getting a BIG tree! Bigger than PaPa Rick! Which is pretty damn big in the eyes of a three year old, considering grandpa is 6'3" and solid.

As we entered the nursery where we bought the tree, The Boy's eyes got huge and he said "Wow, look at all those conifers!"

WTF? What three year old calls Christmas trees conifers?? I blame it on They Might be Giants. Well, at least he's learning something from his DVD's. Unlike the "stupid" and "shut up" he got from Toystory. Which, btw, we threw away today after he said both phrases numerous times while out running errands today. Is he too young to make eat a bar of soap?

Anyway, TB had great fun running through all the "conifers" and we did indeed get one bigger than PaPa Rick.
Perhaps this picture shows the devil in his eyes a little better.

All that cuteness that surrounds a little mischievous troll. As evidence I present the following pictures, the results of a forgotten can of zinc oxide powder left overnight in his room:

Please do learn from my mistake and vacuum immediately. Zinc oxide absorbs moisture from the air (which as a freaking pharmacist I should have remembered!), which results in a nice moist gummy mess instead of that fluffy powder it could have been 12 hours prior.

Consult with Dr. C this morning. Although I think I may have to rename him Dr. H for Dr. Holy Crap did you really offer me ten frozen embryos.

Yup, you heard me, we will soon be the recipients of ten frozen embryos. Even better, ten frozen embryo's from a 20 something couple. I think i smiled for the first time in a month today. Amazing Daddy and I were both speechless, totally in shock.

We went in to the appointment expecting to be talked in to a third cycle, which I would have refused to do without knowing something was different, or immediately going to donor egg. Instead, Dr. C asked us where we wanted to start, or something like that, and I said I didn't really know, for the first time I didn't come prepared with pages full of questions.

Then he started to talk about a couple that he treated that was very fertile, young, in their 20's but needed IVF to get pregnant, and she ended up with far more embryos than she needed, and she wanted to donate them to a couple who could use them. So apparently she entrusted Dr. C with the job of finding the right couple. And he chose us!

This is the first good thing to happen to us in the fertility arena since we started this process!

Donor embryo is something I've been thinking about the last week or so. Big thanks to Leggy for suggesting it and sharing her thoughts with me. I figured that it was going to take some time to get there though, especially if we had to wait on a list, or find our own. Never, did I expect to literally have ten thrust in my lap in this way!

So our heads are spinning, we have lots to talk about, and think about. Right now though, it seems like the answer to our prayers. Maybe I will have a baby some time after all.

He says the darndest things

The Boy has said some adorable things lately and I'm afraid if I don't write them down I will forget them, so here goes.

This morning listening to the radio on the way to school after hearing a commercial:

TB: Mommy, what's details?

Mommy: Oh, well, it's when you give someone a lot of information about something, you are telling them the details.

TB: Oh, like Eeyores tail....

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A couple weeks ago after going to an apple orchard and pumpkin patch:

Mommy: Wow, we had so much fun at the apple orchard. I really liked watching you pick all those apples.

TB: yeah, and riding the tractor

Mommy: My favorite part was how gentle you were and how you had such great listening ears!

TB: Yeah! And my favorite part was watching you and daddy hug each other!

Wow, who ever thought he paid attention to that stuff! Amzing Daddy and I did have a rather nice moment in the orchard.

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Another riding in the car moment discussing something silly about who loves him and who likes to be with him etc.

Mommy: Who's more fun to be with? (thinking he will certainly say Mommy)

TB: with no hestitation Mommy AND Daddy (definite emphasis on the AND)

Like I said yesterday, I'm pretty much resigned to the results. Since the retrievel, I haven't felt positive about it. But then of course I start to worry that my negative feelings led to a negative result. But really, is that rational?

I'm not sure how Amazing Daddy is feeling about this. I know he's disappointed, but he also said he's happy with the family we have. He doesn't have the need that I do to carry and birth a baby. AD doesn't talk about things that bother him. It frustrates me, and leaves me guessing, and often feeling like he just doesn't feel anything.

AD was so sweet and sent me a big bouquet of flowers yesterday to cheer me up. So thoughtful! What I really needed though was for him to come home and hold me and share his disappointment.

I have so much guilt right now. Mostly regarding the expense of all this, with nothing to show for it. How do I justify spending even more if we do go on? Yet, how do I not go on?

Am I being selfish? The boy frequently talks about wanting a brother/sister (one entity in his mind I think). But really, he's 3 1/2, does he understand what he's asking for? At the same time though, doesn't he deserve to have a brother or sister to share his life with? But we could solve that by adopting again. At what point do I force myself to give up the need/desire to be pregnant and be satisfied with adoption?

I know that I need to and want to explore donor egg or donor embryo. I just don't know how to get AD on board with it. I know he'll never "need" it the way I do, but I need him to understand how I feel and to want a child enough to make these sacrifices.

Leggy, you asked if we had looked in to embryo adoption. Do you have any suggestions on where to start with that?