Things that make me laugh

I've been sorting through pictures for the yearly photo projects and I came across these gems.

These were taken during a kids day event at the Philadelphia Phillies. It was for season ticket holders only (my boss gave us the tickets to this event). They were able to eat anything they wanted, go in the club house, locker rooms, run the bases, use the batting cage, etc. 

Obviously, Rich took Noah because we knew he would hate it. Because we hate him. It was the worst day ever.

And Rich made him carry around that damn balloon sword too. Because Meanest Dad Ever!


I can't help it, but these pictures make me laugh!

Black Friday goodness

Rich took advantage of early Black Friday sales at Kohl's last week and purchased an early holiday present. At least that's what we are calling it.

He bought a Dyson at a great sale price.

A really great sale price.

But then he found another coupon, which would make it an even better sale price.

Problem? It was too late to cancel the first order.

So guess what we have sitting in our living room right now?

Yup, two, count them 2, Dysons.

He plans on selling one. It will be interesting to see how long it actually sits in the living room waiting for him to sell it. If anyone local wants a brand new in box Dyson C5 for $250 you know where to come!

We opened up one and Rich used it for a bit. I'm going to say it works well considering he emptied this bunch of shit into the trash when he was done.

Nasty! And a embarrassingly good example of how poor my house keeping skills are, or, how crappy our current vacuum is? It could be my old vacuum right? Right?

Well, welcome home little Dyson, welcome home!

I'm going to park the old vacuum outside Noah's bedroom to see if he freaks out.

The color of snot - or, My Neti pot is my best friend.

I feel like my head collided with the snot truck. The brown one, not the yellow or green one.

According to this article, my brown snot means I'm a smoker. I'm not.

I just spent half an hour looking up what the color of snot means. Apparently I have a cold. Or an infection. Or I'm dying. It's a bit unclear at the moment.

I do know that I didn't go to work today and took a four hour nap after Noah got on the bus. Then I took advantage of cyber Monday and got some good deals. Then I took another nap.

The excitement of my day is using my Neti pot and seeing just how much snot I can blow out into the sink. I'm all kinds of gross, I know. It saddens me that Rich doesn't want to watch.

That's all I've got for today.

Love you.

Final soccer post of the year!

Noah played in a soccer tournament today. They played against other local soccer clubs. The teams were created from the top players of the U10 teams from the fall season. I assume that the top players of his team were not able to make it to this tournament and that is why Noah was invited.

He played great. His focus was better in the first game than the third. During the third game he spent his time off-field kicking everyone's water bottle into the air. He was doing this about ten feet way from the three coaches, and not one of them told him to stop.

They lost all three games. They only had three practices and one scrimmage, and the coach didn't seem that organized. The kids had fun though, and that really is the important part.

Noah begged to play goalie, so they put him in for the last half of the third game. I think the coach was resigned that they were going to loose anyway. The other team scored four goals on him. He managed to block one. So YEAH Noah! At least it wasn't five goals! And, he seemed just fine with it.

Goalie is not in Noah's future. I am OK with that. He's awesome in the other positions. And awfully cute in pictures.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming...

to tell you that I am sick. Again. Ughh.

I'll be back tomorrow.

Easy mount, my ass!

Well, I think that title is a good example of the importance of the comma.

Today I installed a new garbage disposal. Easy mount it said. Hah!

First we let the disposal age properly in the box in our dining room. After determining this afternoon that it had aged the minimum required amount of time I decided today was the day. No freaking way I was going to pay someone $450 to put it in for me!

I had to remove the existing plug from it and hard wire it to the existing wiring. That went OK, although it took two calls to my Dad to make sure I was doing it right. No smoke or sparks, so all is good.

The real pisser was hooking up the drain pipe. The new disposal is bigger than the old one so the pipes didn't line up. After a trip to Lowe's for additional pipes (thanks Rich) I managed to get it all connected. Only one connection leaked, but I was able to tighten that up with some plumbers putty.

It works! It took me twice as long as I expected it to, but it works!

Isn't it beautiful!

I had a couple helpers during the process. Noah started out helping, but quickly became bored and annoyed me enough that I sent him outside to play. And yes, I know that is exactly what he wanted.

Thor actually proved to be more help than Noah. At least he was quiet and appeared thoughtful.

Rich helped with the last part this evening by holding the flashlight, but then he blew it by farting and stinking up the area when I couldn't move. Ass hole.

I figured by installing it today I not only saved the plumbers fee, but I also saved money by not hanging out online and being tempted by Black Friday deals.

A study in Thanksgiving Day Repose

I hope your Thanksgiving is as satisfying!

Pie day! Pie day! - Best Damn Apple Pie recipe

What is the day before Thanksgiving? Why, It's PIE DAY! 

Apple Pie cooling on the windowsill. (OK, not really, it's on the counter.) 

Pumpkin Pie baking in the oven!

Every surface in the kitchen, including the floor and the front of my shirt, covered in flour. Where the hell did that house keeper disappear to?

Last year I gave you the recipes for my favorite pumpkin pie and pie crust.

This year it is for my favorite apple pie recipe, what I like to call the Best Damn Apple Pie. I repeated the pie crust recipe below because I love you.

Best Damn Apple Pie

Ingredients

• Butter Flaky Pie Crust recipe below x2
• 1/2 cup unsalted butter
• 3 tablespoons all-purpose flour
• 1/8 cup water
• 1/2 cup white sugar
• 1/2 cup packed brown sugar
• 1 to 2 teaspoonful(s) cinnamon
• 1/2 to 1 teaspoonful nutmeg 
•  apples - peeled, cored and sliced, enough to over fill your pie pan

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (220 degrees C). Melt the butter in a saucepan. Stir in flour to form a paste. Add water, white sugar, brown sugar, and spices and bring to a boil, then simmer until a thick syrup forms.
2. Mix your apples with the sugar syrup from step 1.
3. Place the bottom crust in your pan. Fill with the syrup coated apples, mounded slightly. 
4. Cover with the top crust.
5. Bake 60 minutes or until apples are soft.

This year I tried brushing it with an egg wash and dusting it with sugar crystals. I need a better pastry brush, but I think it gave it a nice rustic appearance.

Butter Flaky Pie Crust

Ingredients

• 1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 cup butter, frozen
• 1/4 cup ice water

A good pie crust is all about technique. 

1. Combine the flour and salt. Then grate the frozen butter into the flour with a cheese grater. 

Freezing, then grating the butter, is the key. The little bits of frozen butter are what makes the crust so flaky. After grating in the butter work quickly, because you don't want the butter to get soft.

2. Add the ice water a tablespoonful at a time and mix in until the mixture forms a ball. Do not be tempted to add too much water! Do not over work the dough!

3. If you've worked fast enough and the butter is still frozen you can roll out the crust now. If not, refrigerate it for a couple hours. It will roll out much easier if you have planned ahead and can refrigerate it.

I've also found that when you need enough dough for a top and bottom crust, it is better to make the recipe twice, rather than double it.

Try not to overwork the dough when you roll it out. And keep it cold. I used to roll mine out on parchment paper but I found it always stuck because bits of the butter would soften. Then the parchment would tear. Then I would get frustrated and let fly with a few F bombs. This year I tried rolling it out on a silicone pastry sheet and dusted it liberally (along with my floors and counters) with flour so it didn't stick. It rolled out like a dream. I'll let you know if it changes the texture or taste of the finished product.

The true magic ingredient in my pie crust is my great-grandmother Ninin's rolling pin. And since I'm not giving that up, I can't exactly guarantee your crust will turn out as awesome as mine. If you follow my instructions I bet it will still turn out pretty damn good. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

On comments and toilet installations

Lies and Beemommy, thank you for putting a big smile on my face with your comments! (Lies, thanks for telling me how to pronounce your name, too!) And GB's Mom, you know how much I love you!

Comments are the chocolate butter-cream frosting on the cake of blogging. I love cake, like really, love me some cake, but it is always better with some frosting on top! I blog because I love to write, but knowing someone is reading me and cares enough to take the time to comment feels very connecting. So thank you for everyone who reads MNT, and especially to those who take the time to leave me their thoughts.

I don't get much time to read other blogs, and I feel bad about that, especially when I know someone is taking the time to read what I have to say. So it is especially meaningful to me that other bloggers are reading me.

All ya'all are just making me feel all gooey inside tonight. :)

So, as a thank you, here is a picture of Noah watching the plumber put in the new toilet. He even brought snacks for the viewing (Noah, not the plumber).

Noah told me he wants a furry toilet seat for it. I tried to explain that while he is having blow farts a furry toilet seat might not be a wise idea. He thought about that and suggested it just be fur on the lid. I suggested he learn how to aim down before we consider that type of purchase.

In other news, the appointment with TNP was non eventful. She was on her best behavior and I didn't say any of her trigger words, like "trauma" or "doing more."

Day 21 and I'm running out of the good material

NaBloPoMo is getting kind of old. I really don't have enough angst in my life to make it worth writing every day, unless it is about poop. Or "blow farts" as we are calling them these days. I probably have enough comic material to write every day, but not enough talent to put it out there consistently.

So now you are stuck with the blow by blow of my days, for at least another nine days anyway. Enough to make my newsletter subscribers cancel. Seriously. One did the other day. :(  It makes me sad.

Noah is off school all week. We had a nice day today running errands and then had lunch at Panera. Except for the non-stop chatter, which is overwhelming at times, he was very fun to be with.

I realized during lunch that he has an amazing talent at deflecting conversation. In the past when he wouldn't answer a question we assumed that he didn't understand it, or didn't have enough incite yet. Well, it hit me today when I told him his teacher was concerned about his behavior at school, and asked him what he thought about that. With out missing a beat, he looked at me and said "mom, you having something green on your tooth." I removed the piece of lettuce, and then asked him the question again, and he just as smooth as could be ignored it and asked me something else. It was then that I realized what he was doing, and I started laughing. I called him on it and he tried to deflect again, but I was laughing too much and it made him laugh too. Little booger.

His parent-teacher conference was this afternoon. It wasn't that painful. While his progress report wasn't exactly spectacular (more like dismal), his teacher told me that she thinks he knows the information, but it just isn't reflected in his work. We all agree that he is struggling to retrieve and apply what he knows.

No answers on how to fix it, but good to know we are on the same page.

The good news is that his teacher is in full agreement that Noah doing some type of structured physical activity or a social skills class after school would be more beneficial than homework. That takes some pressure off me instead of trying to balance both.

I'm going to try and find a swim club/group for him. Or possibly gymnastics. Something that is a small group with an instructor that has experience with special needs. Wish me luck on that! Might as well reach for the sky, right?

He had another "blow fart" incident tonight, just as I was leaving to meet my Wise Mommy Friend for a drink and movie. It is clear that I need to teach him to aim his asshole down I guess, since it keeps hitting above the bowl. I suppose that is the difference between having a big ass like mine that covers the hole in the seat, and having a tiny tush like he does that leaves room for spray.

Wise Mommy Friend and I saw Breaking Dawn. It made me laugh. Definitely heavy on the cheese. But, I wouldn't have missed it. And I can't wait for part 2 to come out.

We see TNP tomorrow. The first time since our Elephant in the Room session two weeks ago. Wish me wisdom and patience.

Weekend Wrap-up

Kiel had a great birthday. I think short of getting to ride in Lightening McQueen itself, it was everything his little 4 year old heart could want.

The party itself was perfect. Since it was a karate party the kids had plenty of opportunity to run, jump, kick and punch. Most of the activity was set up around an obstacle course, and Kiel was able to lead the pack when he wanted to.

This is the first time we have done a party like this. We had one girl come that did not RSVP, one last minute RSVP of a child that I did not know Rich had invited, but then we had two kids that did RSVP not show up, so it was basically a wash. Just the right number of kids.

I was excited at how many kids did come, because the party itself was not close to his school, so most of the kids came a fair distance.

It was fun watching Kiel with his friends. So interesting to see how he and the other boys tackle each other and wrestle. Are all boys so physical?

Noah handled himself marginally well. There were no real problems during the party, other than having to be held back from blowing out the candles himself, and his obsessive need to have a gift bag before any of the other kids received theirs.

Today we opened the last few presents, including a Cars 2 sleeping bag from grandma and grandpa. He insisted on sleeping in it on our floor tonight. I just checked on him and he is asleep on the floor, but not in the sleeping bag.

I had a few hours to myself today, and took a relaxing bath. Then I cleaned out under my side of the bed, where I found some odd socks, five books, three sippy cups, a remote to a fan that we no longer have, some hair ties, and about a dozen Matchbox cars. And that was only my side of the bed. Maybe tomorrow I'll look under Rich's side. Maybe I'll find the missing vibrator. Damn is my life exciting.

Noah has coined a new term: explosive farts. He explained them to me after I walked into our bathroom and found poop sprayed against the back of the toilet seat and tank. For the second time this weekend.

I'm still trying to understand 1. how he managed to get the poop to spray up and back like that, and 2. how Rich could go in and check Noah's poop (we require visual evidence at this point if he doesn't want to face down another enema) and completely ignore the shit spray.

They were both brought to task and shamefaced (well, Rich was anyway), they cleaned the toilet together. Of course I had to remind them to use a cleaning agent. Honestly, did they really think I was just going to let that one get by?

And now I'm hiding in Kiel's bedroom (you know, the one he has never slept in) waiting for my ambien to kick in and so I can't hear Rich swear and yell at the TV during the Eagles game. He seriously stresses me out when he watches football.

That was my weekend. How was yours?

Kiel's karate party!

A few pics of Kiel's birthday party.

Noah was a "helper."

Kicking X-ray targets. They make a great noise!

Punching!

And more punching. At one point he came at the target head first like a bull. Hysterical!

Love this picture!

 

pizza

Cake from Wegman's. It was yummy!

Making sure Noah doesn't blow out the candles.

Hoping Kiel doesn't fall face first in the cake.

Ooops, forgot to bring a knife. Guess we better use a sword instead.

Cutting with a sword is cool!

Yum, cake!

Opening presents at home with Thor.

Still has his infinity swirls!

I try not to post pictures of other peoples kids on my blog without permission, so there are some great pictures that didn't make it on here.