Anyway...this post isn't about my
I commented to AD after we left that it was interesting to me that The Boy doesn't get upset when we leave him with a baby sitter now that Baby Brother is there too. It used to be hell for us to leave him, as he would get very upset. In one sense it was a relief for us that he did get upset as it was a good sign of attachment. But now, he's all "yeah, whatever, see ya later dudes."
My thought was that now that BB is there he's acting like the big brother and being brave.
AD's thought was that he's not worried that we won't come home because he knows we would never leave BB.
I thought my heart was going to break when he said that.
TB has so much anxiety. So many things that worry him, although he is not really able to verbalize what is going on in his head.* I really wonder if that is what he is thinking. That we love BB so much we would never leave him, which in turn means we will come home. So because of that he is safe.
So now I wonder what I have done that might have him thinking that way? That maybe I love BB more than I love him.
I know that after BB was born I pulled back from TB. The postpartum depression was rough, and all I seemed capable of doing was taking care of BB. I had nothing left for AD or TB for the first two months. I remember how my anxiety would peak every day about 4:45pm, just before AD and TB would come home.
I had absolutely no patience for TB then. And, I cried all the time, which really upset him. No matter what he was doing he would stop and promise to be a good boy. It killed me then to hear him say that, even though I assured him over and over I wasn't crying because of anything he did.
BB is so easy to love. He's just an easy baby. He is sweet, and cuddly and easy going and funny. TB can be sweet and cuddly and funny too. But he is definitely not easy going. He is not easy to be with. I love him so much, but it is not always easy.
Now I worry that he knows that. That he worries that we might leave him. I don't ever want him to worry that we won't be there for him. No matter how frustrated I get he is my son and I love him. I don't love BB any more, or TB any less.
How do I fix this?
*I think he comes by that naturally as AD is the same way.