Optimistic

I'm surprisingly optimistic about this cycle. Part of me actually believes it might work this time. Of course knowing we aren't using our own genetic embryos (which I truly believe suck) makes it different enough for me to think the outcome could be different.

Our last cycle (IVF#2) felt like a failure from the time of the egg retrieval. I was in no way surprised to find out it was a big fat failure.

I was of course hopeful with our first cycle. Supposedly we were bypassing all our "problems" and we transferred four decent embryos (although not as beautiful as the ones this time). I even had a few days, close to a week I think, where I felt like it might be happening. I know my body was telling me something was different. I think those little embies tried to burrow in and grow, but they just didn't have the strength.

What keeps me somewhat grounded and fearful of any optimism is that we have no way of knowing if it was truly the embryos or it was my uterus that failed. If it was indeed my uterus I guess I'm doomed for failure again.

A big part of me just doesn't believe anything will ever work. I'm unable to envision myself pregnant. It doesn't mean I don't want it with all my heart. I'm just unable to envision it. I've become so wrapped up in the process of IF treatment that I sometimes forget there is an endpoint, an ultimate goal.
Really guys, it's not all about multiple blood draws and the joy of spreading your legs to rooms full of people. And paying to do it no less.

Day 1 of 2ww

Transfer went very well yesterday. We had to meet our acupuncturist there at 6:45am with transfer scheduled at 7:30am.Amazing Daddy dropped me off at 6:30am and took The Boy to preschool then came back

Being the third time I knew what to expect and had the routine down. Acupuncture was relaxing and I dozed during it. Dr. C arrived right at 7:30 and told me we had three excellent embryos. They had thawed five and three survived and divided beautifully. Basically I was told they were as good as they get. They looked textbook to me, beautiful symmetry with no fragmentation.

I knew enough to release a little pee before I went in (such control I have being able to go to the bathroom without letting it all out). the transfer went very smoothly, with very little discomfort at all. The only disappointment was that AD didn't get there until about three minutes after the actual transfer. He did get to hold me hand while I relaxed on the table before I was able to get up.

We were home and I was in bed by 9:10am. I've been there since. I feel good about things in so far as I know the embryos looked great and I know the donors were successful with them. The unknown now is if my body will let them (1 or 2 preferably) implant and grow.

Blood levels Friday and then pregnancy test the next Friday. I imagine I'll do an HPT before that. Nothing now to give me a false positive.

Fingers crossed!

While I'm here I might as well give an update on the FET

My estrogen finally went up after a few days of Estrace tablets shoved up my vahjayjay as Oprah calls it (not sure how she spells it though), or my hotpocket as my IVF nurse called it. So we are a go for transfer on Friday.

Today I started my Medrol dose pack and the PIO shots. I still have on four estrogen patches but have stopped the vaginal Estrace.

Apparently the embryos were frozen on day one, so technically at zygote stage. They will be transferred at what is considered day three. I'll return for blood work next Friday and then the pregnancy test in two weeks. We are hoping to thaw five and transfer the best two or three. This would give us five left if we need to try again.

The other couple that used some of these embryos in December apparently got pregnant.

catching up

I had carpel tunnel surgery on my right hand last week, so that's my excuse for not blogging for the last week. The several weeks before that I have no excuse for.

So right now I'm typing with a splint on, eating cannoli's and watching American Idol. I'm on vacation this week, which is somewhat disappointing since I can't do anything cause my damn hand hurts. Amazing Daddy is of course very supportive and frequently tells me I should be taking it easy and not pushing it, but could I please just give the cat his pills, make dinner, go to the store, etc. while giving me attitude when I remind him I can't wash the dishes in the sink because I can't get my stitches wet, although I did manage to unload and load the dishwasher and fold the three baskets of laundry he's been stepping over in the hall for the last week.

I did do something very exciting this morning though. I bought a new sewing machine! Finally, no more piece of crap 20 year old machine from Sears. It's like going from a go kart to a Mercedes. Hopefully soon I'll be able to actually play with it. Part of the excitement was that I earned the money myself from my sewing business (making weighted vests and blankets for sensory and autistic kids, on the piece of crap machine no less). And, I stayed in my budget but was still able to buy a Brother embroidery machine.

Let's see, what else. The Boy is being evaluated by a child psychologist this week. She was observing at preschool this morning and his teachers told me he was a freaking little angel. She wanted to know who we sent to school this morning because it was not our son. He actually sat in circle and raised his hand waiting to be called on. Apparently he's never done that before. Ever. Basically he was a perfect almost 4 year old this morning while she was there. The minute she walked out the door he turned in to a monster and had to be physically removed from the room.

He's so f'ing smart, and been evaluated so often, that he just assumed she was there for him and turned in to master manipulator. Can't wait to see how our eval at her office on Friday goes.

On the IF front, Lupron started yesterday. We paid for the cycle in December so the "tough" part is done. Since its a donor frozen embryo cycle I don't have to stim, just suppress with the Lupron and use estrogen patches after I get my Lupron period. I have a feeling that the transfer will be around PA's birthday, so we aren't planning a big party for him. My parents will be in for the weekend and we'll have the MIL over for the day. He still has Christmas presents he hasn't opened, so he won't be hurting in that area. Having a party for him is just too stressful right now, for him and me.

And that's about all my hand can take tonight.

embryo updates

Several of you have commented or emailed recently asking what was going on with our donor embryo plan.

Something to know about me, when I've made a decision to do something I tend to stop talking/writing about it since in my head it is a done deal. Anyway, we are moving forward with the DET. I'll start Lupron after my next period, then the ET after that. I think this will put us in February for the transfer, since Aunt Flo is due to visit us again around Christmas time. Yes, a true red Christmas.

The only obstacle I foresee right now is that I may need surgery on my wrist. I have an appointment this week with the hand surgeon. If I do (which at this point I just want to do and get it over with) I'm hoping they will do it soon so it is out of the way before this cycle and a potential pregnancy.

Of course, just by saying that I've jinxed myself in to failure.

Consult with Dr. C this morning. Although I think I may have to rename him Dr. H for Dr. Holy Crap did you really offer me ten frozen embryos.

Yup, you heard me, we will soon be the recipients of ten frozen embryos. Even better, ten frozen embryo's from a 20 something couple. I think i smiled for the first time in a month today. Amazing Daddy and I were both speechless, totally in shock.

We went in to the appointment expecting to be talked in to a third cycle, which I would have refused to do without knowing something was different, or immediately going to donor egg. Instead, Dr. C asked us where we wanted to start, or something like that, and I said I didn't really know, for the first time I didn't come prepared with pages full of questions.

Then he started to talk about a couple that he treated that was very fertile, young, in their 20's but needed IVF to get pregnant, and she ended up with far more embryos than she needed, and she wanted to donate them to a couple who could use them. So apparently she entrusted Dr. C with the job of finding the right couple. And he chose us!

This is the first good thing to happen to us in the fertility arena since we started this process!

Donor embryo is something I've been thinking about the last week or so. Big thanks to Leggy for suggesting it and sharing her thoughts with me. I figured that it was going to take some time to get there though, especially if we had to wait on a list, or find our own. Never, did I expect to literally have ten thrust in my lap in this way!

So our heads are spinning, we have lots to talk about, and think about. Right now though, it seems like the answer to our prayers. Maybe I will have a baby some time after all.

Like I said yesterday, I'm pretty much resigned to the results. Since the retrievel, I haven't felt positive about it. But then of course I start to worry that my negative feelings led to a negative result. But really, is that rational?

I'm not sure how Amazing Daddy is feeling about this. I know he's disappointed, but he also said he's happy with the family we have. He doesn't have the need that I do to carry and birth a baby. AD doesn't talk about things that bother him. It frustrates me, and leaves me guessing, and often feeling like he just doesn't feel anything.

AD was so sweet and sent me a big bouquet of flowers yesterday to cheer me up. So thoughtful! What I really needed though was for him to come home and hold me and share his disappointment.

I have so much guilt right now. Mostly regarding the expense of all this, with nothing to show for it. How do I justify spending even more if we do go on? Yet, how do I not go on?

Am I being selfish? The boy frequently talks about wanting a brother/sister (one entity in his mind I think). But really, he's 3 1/2, does he understand what he's asking for? At the same time though, doesn't he deserve to have a brother or sister to share his life with? But we could solve that by adopting again. At what point do I force myself to give up the need/desire to be pregnant and be satisfied with adoption?

I know that I need to and want to explore donor egg or donor embryo. I just don't know how to get AD on board with it. I know he'll never "need" it the way I do, but I need him to understand how I feel and to want a child enough to make these sacrifices.

Leggy, you asked if we had looked in to embryo adoption. Do you have any suggestions on where to start with that?