When I "found" Bejewell at The Bean I was immediately smittin. In fact, I think it was girl crush at first read. The woman makes me laugh. And she swears like a sailor, which I totally respect. It's probably a good thing she's on the other side of the country, or I'd be embarrassing myself knocking on her front door...all "would you be my friend, please!" with my really annoying whiny voice.
So when you're done here, check her out at her blog. http://themusicalfruit.net/. Just promise you will still come back and read mine, m'kay?
Mommy Needs Therapy Guest Post
A few weeks ago, Kristine asked me if I would guest post for her here at Mommy Needs Therapy, and I was all, “Hey! Sure! You bet! No problem!” but then promptly forgot all about it. Luckily, I knew when I took the job that I’d probably forget, and I told Kristine to remind me, which she did this Monday, at which point I slammed my fist against my head and yelled “Fuck me!”
(Yeah, it’s gonna be THAT kind of post.)
Now, let’s remember for a moment that this is only my second guest post – well, really my third, if you count the one I’ve already done for McMommy that won’t actually be published until late next week, in which I make a stunning accusation and present my supporting evidence. (You’ll see.)
But my point is, I’m fairly new to this whole guest posting thing, and while I talk a big game, the truth is I really have no idea what the fuck I’m doing.
For example, in my very first guest post a few weeks ago over at Auds’ place, I confessed that I was on some non-specified medication and then somehow ended up comparing myself to a confused date rapist with confidence issues.
No, really. I totally did that.
So, when I realized I was running out of time to finish this guest post, and hadn’t even started, I got freakishly stressed out, asking myself questions like What will I write about? Who do I think I am? How badly am I going to fuck this up? Will Kristine ever speak to me again? And in the meantime, I wrote nothing.
But then last night I took a deep breath and a hot bath (which always makes everything better), and decided to say Fuck It. I’m just gonna write some bat-shit crazy post that will have everyone going “What the hell was THAT?” and yeah, maybe it’ll kill Kristine’s blog, but it’s her own fault for asking me to guest post in the first place.
So here you go. Enjoy. Or don’t. What do I care? I’m SO over it.
10 Reasons Why I Wish I Was a Zombie
1. Zombies do not have a “To Do” list. Their only “To Do” is to find and eat brains. And that responsibility does not usually require overtime OR a long commute.
2. Zombies do not have to worry about staying in shape or losing weight. They can eat as much brain matter as they want without having to worry if the brains will go to their hips.
3. Zombies do not have house payments. If they find a house they like, they just eat the brains of the people who live there and, Voila! Automatic equity!
4. Zombies do not get annoyed by weird co-workers who say stupid shit like “Allrighty then” about 20 times a day. They just eat the annoying co-workers’ brains and enjoy the resulting silence.
5. Zombies do not have to eat microwaveable Healthy Choice dinners for lunch. They eat brains. (Which actually probably taste better.)
6. Zombies don’t have to worry about being popular or well-liked. They can always make their own friends.
7. Zombies do not have to worry about hair and make-up. They just embrace their grayish zombie complexion and the “messy” look.
8. Zombies do not have nightmares. I mean really, what would a zombie’s worst nightmare be? Puppy dogs and rainbows? I’m guessing they get a pretty good night’s sleep.
9. Zombies do not feel guilty when they forget the eco-friendly canvas bags or the coupons they’ve clipped when they go to the grocery store. In fact, they probably don’t even GO to the grocery store. What could a zombie possibly need at the grocery store? Duh.
10. Zombies never have to call Customer Support for ANYTHING. ‘Nuff said.