And still waiting...

Sunday afternoon...five days late...ugh.

I feel OK, about the same as I have all week. I did lose my mucus plug during the night Thursday. I've continued with the "bloody show" since then. (OK, is that like the most horrible term? I still can't believe that is the official verbiage. More appropriate for a horror movie scrip I should think.)

I haven't felt much movement over the last 24 hours and it's been freaking me out. I keep using the Doppler to check the heartbeat, and he's galloping right along, so I'm trying not to worry. Of course as I write this I think I might be feeling a hiccup from him.

Apparently I'm in the worry like crazy phase...if it isn't worrying about not feeling movement I'm starting to freak myself out about all the "what ifs" during and after the birth. Less so the birth I think, as I'm trying to keep myself as open and flexible as possible. Of course I have what I'd like to happen, but if it doesn't work that way I know the ultimate goal is to have a healthy baby at the end. I'm freaking out more about what surprises could be in store for us when the baby is born. What if something is wrong. What if not getting an amnio was the wrong way to go. What if he has Downs syndrome...or a genetic disorder we aren't aware of from the donors. What if, what if, what if?????

Is all this worry right now normal? Or am i just a freak.

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My parents arrive tonight. I'll be relieved when they get here. It will make life easier knowing we don't have to worry about getting the baby sitter here. Provided I don't go in to labor today or tonight, I go in to be induced tomorrow evening. That will give me the day with my parents which will be nice (I hope - typically the first day or two of a visit with them is fine). I need some help with furniture arrangement in the baby's room. I am insisting on keeping the guestroom bed in there and it is making things a bit tight. I have some shelves I'm hoping my dad will finish putting up for me and once I confirm where the book case is going I can put the books (which are in various piles all over the house) and other stuff on it.

My bags are packed for the hospital so I guess I'm basically ready. Other than the intense fear that I have no idea what I'm doing when I actually bring the baby home.

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p.s. Feeling a bunch of baby movement right now. Yeah!

p.p.s. We did finally agree on a name. I'll probably post it for a few days after we bring him home, then delete to try and keep some anonymity to this blog.

Sex, sex and more sex

Ok, so I didn't go this weekend. In fact, today is baby brothers due date and there is nothing going on. Still a little over 1 cm dilated and 80 to 90% effaced. No contractions, no bloody show...nothing.

Saw my favorite doctor today and she suggested we have lots of sex. Yes, Amazing Daddy's eyes glazed over as he got this odd smile on his face. Of course, he's down stairs watching the Transformer movie instead of getting it on with me. His priorities appear to be a bit whacked lately.

Doctor indicated baby was big, as in 9 pounds. Not really a surprise based on the last ultrasound I had.

So I'm uncomfortable, huge, and feel like there is a bowling ball in my pelvis.

Induction scheduled for next Tuesday. So no matter what happens a week from now I should be holding my baby in my arms! There is an end in sight.

any day now

1 to 2 cm's dilated and 90 percent effaced! Also not feeling all that great today. My doula thinks I will go this weekend. I sure hope so!!!!

1 big belly + 1 broken front seat = one strange excuse for being late for work

Amazing Daddy put the infant seat in the cars yesterday. To do so he moved the front seat forward. No big deal huh? Until I get in this morning and realize it is too far forward for me and try to move it back....and it won't go. So I try moving it forward...no problem. Except I'm belly up to the steering wheel.

So I squeeze myself out of the car and start playing with the controls. Nothing but forward, up and down. Call to hubby gets the "oh yeah, I had to jiggle it a bit yesterday, try that." So I jiggle...I jiggle and jiggle...and swear (quietly of course, since The Boy is in the car). Nothing.

AD is on his way home to get us. I swear to all that is good, if he gets that fucking thing to work with no problems I'm going to go back to bed and stay there the rest of the day.

Oh yeah, I had to call my boss to let her know I was going to be late. She laughed...a lot. Can't make this shit up!

Week 37 update

So I'm cruising along. Ultrasound last week indicated baby brother was 7 pounds 4 oz, with three'ish weeks to go. Let's hope for a good margin of error on that one, or I'm looking at a 9 plus pounder.

U/S also shows baby is finally head down. A week ago Friday at 35 1/2 weeks he was still breech and the doctor was scheduling me for an external version to turn him, or a scheduled c-section. I really do not want a c-section, but was also not thrilled about a version, considering the risks. I talked her in to giving me a week to try and do it on my own. I spent a significant amount of time over the weekend in a head down position with my ass pointed up. I also played music in my crotch and put ice on my fundus. On Sunday I was telling Amazing Daddy that I thought something had shifted because I was hungry (which I haven't been in a couple months) and even after I ate I wanted some more. I didn't really think he had turned though.

Well, Monday I had an U/S to see and I was pleasantly surprised to find out he was indeed head down. The perinatologist reconfirmed with another U/S on Friday. So, sounds like we are good to go.

From what I understand if the baby turns on his own it's a pretty good chance he will stay that way, unlike with a version.

Our doula (did I mention we are going to have a doula at the birth?) gave us some exercises and positions to help us ensure he stays head down.

So I guess I'm in the home stretch. I'm certainly feeling more uncomfortable by the day and finally I think I can say I'm ready for this to happen. The painting is almost finished in the nursery. I hope to finish tomorrow. Then the furniture is scheduled to come Friday afternoon. And then, finally, I can do what I've been waiting to do, and organize all the piles of stuff sitting around the house! Yeah! Maybe then I'll actually believe this is happening.

And forever after he shall be called….Herman

Herman the Hemorrhoid that is. Or Hermy, as I (not so) affectionately call him.

Yes, a walnut size mass has taken over my anal region. And it ain’t pretty. Or comfortable.

All in all I’ve been pretty lucky as far as the irritating pregnancy issues go. No varicose veins (yet), no stretch marks, no sciatica, I’m not waddling yet.

But damn Hermy, you came on with a vengeance this week.

34 weeks and counting

So here I am just shy of 35 weeks. I feel huge, of course. And awkward. I literally have to pick my belly up when I roll over in bed so it will follow me. Baby brother is riding high and giving me a bit of a scare that he's never going to turn head down. He's taking up a lot of room in there, thus making it hard to catch my breath and leaving me little room to eat. Can't say that lack of hunger is a bad thing. I continue to stay within the same 2 or 3 pound range, but he continues to grow, so the doctors are pleased.

I really can't complain with how this pregnancy is going, and feel like I don't deserve to complain. I am however tired, and getting tired of not being able to do things. The house is getting out of control and the baby's room is still not done.

Oh yes, about the baby's room. I'm getting close to having the painting finished. We had a chair rail put up yesterday, which I need to wood putty the nail holes and then paint. After that other than some touch ups I think the painting will be done. Unfortunately, the first weekend I started painting, Amazing Daddy and The Boy were "helping." TB started to get a little wild, and I asked AD to get him, since I was up on the ladder. Unfortunately, AD kicked over a gallon of green paint in the process. About 3/4 of a gallon of paint on the carpet. Quite the mess. I swear, that man will do anything to get out of painting! Ha. Actually, he felt awful about it, and it was a total accident. I shouldn't have had the can where I did.

So, we are getting new floors. And, since I really wanted wood floors from the beginning, that's what we are getting. Of course, I didn't have this in the budget, and they are costing 2 times what I thought they would. Ughhh... But, they are going to look gorgeous (if they ever get them installed). This room will probably look better than any other room in the house.

Hopefully as soon as the floors are down and I finish the final touch ups, the furniture will be ready to be delivered. Only then will I feel like I can start sorting through the clothes and really seeing what we have left to get. Right how what we do have (yeah for hand me downs!) is all sitting in our dining room. I will feel so much better when the room is ready.

We did register at Baby's R Us and Target, but more to help me keep track of what we need, than anything else. There has been no talk of anyone giving us a baby shower. I admit, I'm very disappointed. Unfortunately, it's part of that "bigger picture" that I've had in my head all these years, while waiting and hoping I would get pregnant. I'll get over it though. Since, technically, this is our second child, I understand. Not to mention that AD's side of the family is Jewish and don't do baby showers.

AD has really stepped up to the plate the last couple weeks. He's been very helpful around the house, he's been doing about 95% of the cooking and taking care of TB. And he's been very sweet to me.

We started birthing classes last week and I think that has helped him see that this is real. Plus the instructor is very verbal about the dad's needing to take care of the mom's, and AD is listening! It has been so nice!

We need to spend more time practicing the relaxation stuff they are teaching us, but we are trying. I do feel like I've learned some stuff from the class, and have a better idea of what to expect.

I went in to the class with a "give me drugs" attitude, but I'm thinking now I'd like to go as long as I can without getting an epidural. I really don't want to be stuck in bed any more than I have to. It sounds like being up and moving makes things move along faster, so that's what I'm going to try for.

Our biggest concern is what we are going to do with The Boy. We do have some people on call to help us out, and when I know I'm definitely in labor I'm to call my parents so they can start the 12 hour drive out from Michigan. I didn't realize that there was so much laboring done at home. I'm not sure how TB will handle that. I'm such a planner, that this bit of "when will it start" is hard for me. But, still exciting.

As for my parents coming I'm glad they will be here, especially to help out with The Boy. I can also trust my mom to pick up what ever baby stuff we didn't get around to buying. My concern though is that if I go late, we may be getting close to Thanksgiving. My mom has had Thanksgiving at her house for the family "on the farm" the last couple years. Knowing her, she won't think it is ok to not do it this year. Or to cancel at the last minute (even though my brother, my cousin, or my aunt and uncle are all capable of handling it). So, I know she will start to stress about this if it gets close to it. And, I'll start to feel like its a competition between me and "the farm." Fortunately my dad is more flexible with stuff like this, and will hopefully keep her calm.

There have been so many things I've wanted to blog about in the last couple weeks, just haven't been in the writing mood. Hopefully I'll do better in these last couple weeks.

Response to a few comments

Yeah, love the drink more water advice. Like my bladder isn't tortured enough these days.

I have that big elastic belt thingy. It does help, but gets uncomfortable by the end of the day. And if it's not arranged just right the velcro rubs on me and drives me crazy.

I'm having a hard time keeping the big ol' granny panties up these days. I think my (very flat) butt is getting smaller. I haven't gained weight with the pregnancy (don't hate me, I gained 40 pounds during all the IVF's, and I wasn't small to begin with) so I guess the fattage had to have moved from somewhere. So yeah, I think I'm the only pregnant woman whose butt and boobs got smaller instead of bigger.

And hubby update...he actually touched my big ol' pregnant belly last night, all on his own! I think three weeks plus without sex is getting to him.

On husbands and an irritable uterus

Ok, so life is better. Sorry I haven't updated in a while.

Amazing Daddy and I went away for a few days the week before Labor Day and it was quite nice. Great to have a chance to reconnect and be alone for a while.

We also had a session with The Boy's therapist where we just focused on the two of us. That was good too, to have a facilitated talk. I was impressed at how open AD was able to be.

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On another note, AD and I spent our 7th wedding anniversary in Labor and Delivery last weekend. How's that for excitement?

Not really sure what happened, probably a combination of getting a little dehydrated, doing a little too much trying to get the baby's room ready, and being constipated. I had terrible lower abdominal cramps. So bad I could hardly move without crying. So we called the doctor on call and she sent us in. By that time I was pretty scared.

They hooked me up to a monitor and tried to get an IV in me. I'm not an easy stick. They finally had to call the IV team in to get one in, which took over an hour to get there. I was definitely having some contractions, or what they liked to call "uterine irritability." It felt like this band of extreme tightness across my lower abdomen that didn't ease up. I kept saying I thought contractions come and go, but this was constant. Fortunately the baby was doing fine, and my cervix was still long and closed. They did a fetal fibronectin test which came back negative, thus relieving more of my fears.

It was fun to hear the heartbeat for an extended period of time, and for a while we even got to hear him hiccup. Very cool. A couple times since then I've even felt him hiccup.

After about five hours they sent me home and told me to take it easy and said I have an irritable uterus (like that's the only thing irritable with me lately??). I was still in pretty bad pain when we got home. I just couldn't get comfortable and did lots of moaning and squirming. Poor AD. I think I scared him.

So I took it easy the next day and slept a lot. Praying I would poop sometime soon. I really think a lot of it was a big ol' stuck poop and then I stressed some accessory muscles. Who knows.

I was still uncomfortable for a few days, but I'm feeling much better now. I'm just trying to be very careful not to over do it, to keep hydrated, and to keep pooping.

I still feel tightening when I stand up from sitting or laying. I ordered a maternity belt to try and help with that. It came yesterday and seems to be useful, although it is quite a contraption to put on. Riding in the car is not comfortable any more. Taking The Boy to school in the morning and then getting to work is about as far as I can go, and even then I get out of the car and feel my uterus tightening up. I guess we won't be making that trip back to Michigan that I had hoped for at the end of the month.

So all in all, everything is ok!

Lonely

I haven't posted much recently because I haven't been sure how to say what has been going on, especially in my head.

I've been so emotional the last few weeks. It seems like every other day I start crying and can't seem to stop. One day was so bad I couldn't even go to work.

I can't completely pinpoint what is going on, but I think a lot of it is I feel lonely lately. Of course, even I ask myself how I can feel lonely when I have a son and husband.

I'm certainly feeling the lack of female friendship these days, more than I have in years. I regret that I never made any close friendships when I moved here, other than Jen and Nancy, who both moved away. When I first moved here I didn't need anyone other than Amazing Daddy. I didn't want to be with anyone else. Then The Boy came along and my life was full, and busy.

Here and there I have felt the gap, but for the most part I was able to fill it with something else. Now though, probably because I feel this distance between AD and myself, it is more obvious that I don't have anyone else to lean on or talk to.

God, even writing this has me in tears. Man, these pregnancy hormones can just go fuck themselves.

All I know is I have all these amazing things going on in my body, and my sex drive is going crazy, and I feel like I have no one to share it with. Not that I would be sharing that with a girlfriend...but at least I could bitch about it with her.

I miss my husband. I miss good sex. I miss my sanity.

No longer wanted

Last night I asked (not so) Amazing Daddy to help me take off the nail polish on my toe nails. Frankly, it’s getting harder to get down that far and still be able to breath. Not to mention too much bending over like that has been known to trigger my gag reflex, resulting in nasty vomiting.

Well, you would have thought I had asked him to wipe my shit covered ass.

I mean, WTF? So my ankles are a little swollen, it’s not like my feet are nasty.

Well, he did it, but grudgingly. I swear he did everything he could to not actually have to touch anything.

Honestly, it really hurt my feelings. It’s been fairly clear the last couple weeks that he is just not attracted to me anymore. And here I am, actually having a libido for once! Apparently, now that I have to be on top, he feels crushed by me.

Way to make a girl feel good! It really hurt my feelings.

Let's play...Guess the Gender!

My Mom had NO CLUE what the arrow was pointing too.

She may still be working on the pink blanket.

Foot prints!

All hale skelator

I swear he has TB's nose.

So yes, we are having a boy. My fathers check book is safe from my mother. I guess every one will have to wait for my nephews to get married and procreate (hopefully in that order). Which shouldn't be for at least another ten or fifteen years.

It took me a while to post this for two reasons. One, I had to deal with this little one not being a girl as I had really started to believe it was (wishful thinking). I'm not really supposed to admit that I had a preference am I? I'm supposed to say that "Oh, all we wanted was a healthy baby" blah, blah, blah.

But honestly, I was disappointed. Although perhaps not the most rational of reasons, part of hoping for a girl was because raising TB has been such a challenge, and, he is in fact, a boy! And then there's the desire to be able to buy all the cute girly clothes and accessories. And the fact we wouldn't have to repaint the guest room. And, the hope that perhaps I could stop the terrible cycle of poor mother-daughter relationships in our family. And, I really want to share all the girly things I love to do, with another girl!

Ah well, as the money shot shows, we are having a boy. And I am adjusting to it. We'll be getting a quote to have the room painted this week. And since most of my coworkers have boys, I'll be getting some nice hand me downs. And, we definitely know what to do with boys.

The other reason I was slow to post this was we did have a bit of a surprise during the level II ultrasound. Apparently there is excess fluid in baby boys kidneys, which is a marker for Downs Syndrome. It is a very small amount of excess fluid, and we will have it rechecked in four weeks (2 1/2 weeks from now). I had a little discussion with Dr. Google and it told me that this is what many consider a soft marker, and some perinatologists don't even consider it a marker for Downs at all.

Our Dr. said that 95% of the time it ends up being nothing, and if it is something it most likely has nothing to do with Downs. Basically, our chances of having a baby with Downs is now 1 in 200, or 0.5%. Amazing Daddy doesn't think that is worth getting concerned over. But then last weekend I found he did some consulting with Dr. Google as well. We were offered an amnio, because now the chance of miscarriage from an amnio is 0.5% which is equal to the chance of the baby having Downs. We said no and the Dr. seemed to think that was a good decision, considering the hell we went through just to get pregnant.

Basically, I have mixed feelings. Mostly I put the worry out of my mind, and hope that in a little over two weeks I'll be reassured. At this point, I guess there isn't anything I can do about it since even if we did confirm it was an issue, we would not terminate the pregnancy. So, I try not to obsess.

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In general, I am feeling pretty good. I'm finally showing, and when I wear the right clothes its fairly obvious I'm pregnant, and not just getting fatter. I have more energy, although I find that climbing more than two flights of stairs has me pretty out of breath these days. I can tell I haven't been exercising. I can't remember if I mentioned this before, but I have been throwing up most mornings for the last month or so. I'm not so much nauseous as I have this gunk in my throat early in the morning that starts to gag me, and then results in me heaving. Sometimes it's just once, sometimes its several times. I have to be careful when I cough because that too has set of my gag reflex.

My sense of smell has become hyper acute as well. AD grilled salmon for dinner the other night and as soon as he brought it in the house and I got a good whiff I ended up in the bathroom. I couldn't even eat dinner with him and TB. Poor TB was very concerned. He kept telling AD to get the fish out of the house so mommy couldn't smell it. So sweet.

I've started to be a bit hungrier than I was before, and I think I may have finally gained a couple pounds. Still no major cravings. In fact, kind of the opposite. Not much really excites me. It has been a struggle some days to get enough protein in me.

I'm starting to think about how I want to decorate the nursery. I'm a bit overwhelmed at the thought of getting everything out of the room, but once I do that and decide on a theme/color, I will have fun.

Starting to think of boys names too. We have one that we both like, but I would like to keep thinking. TB still wants to name a baby brother Hero. He and I both like the name Fin too, but AD wants nothing to do with that.

week 18 updates

As we sail through week 18 all continues to go well. Ultrasound pictures from week 17 above.

OB appointment last week was non-eventful. I actually lost four pounds since last month. My blood pressure was 110 / 70 and my cervix is tight and closed.

Another ultrasound this week to check my cervix. I think it's just an internal and won't include any real baby pictures. Level II ultrasound in two more weeks. Hopefully confirmation of the sex then. At last weeks ultrasound the tech said she thought it "might" be a boy, but not to tell anyone yet.

Yes, I'm a tiny bit disappointed. Mostly because for the last few weeks I've been thinking it is a girl and starting to look at girly stuff. The last girl born in my family or in Awesome Daddy's was me, so both sides have fingers crossed for a girl.

Obviously though, we will all be thrilled with a boy!

week 15 update

Nothing exciting to report. All very boring actually.

I'm still not showing, yet I only have two pair of pants that actually fit me. I may have to break down and buy some pregnancy shorts and Capri's, but I'm not looking forward to it. I can't wait until I show so I don't just look fat(er). I think that may take a while though, since I actually am fat. Thank goodness empire waist and baby doll styles are in right now, because I find them very comfortable and in my mind at least they give the illusion of pregnancy.

I'm still tired, but perhaps not as bad as I was. I do have days with some energy, but then seem to pay for it the next day. I have a feeling I did myself a disservice spending the first three months on the couch. A little exercise then would have been good for me and perhaps I would have more energy now.

Can I tell you about my skin? Holy cow, my neck and shoulders are breaking out like crazy. Big red pimples, that rarely come to a head, but then last forever. I think some of them are trying to turn in to skin tags, but I refuse to let them. It's something else, I tell you.

I rented a Doppler about a week ago. Believe it or not I've only listened once, the day I got it. This was after a weekend that I was feeling some odd cramping and just felt strange over all. I needed the reassurance that something was still growing in there. This week though, I've felt good, and just believe that everything is OK. My next ultrasound is next Friday. I can't wait to see how much baby has grown in the last four weeks.

Boobs are still huge, and sore. And man oh man, but did the nipples get huge!

genetic testing and level 1 ultrasound

12 weeks 2 days

My first full bladder ultrasound. Whoohooo. Smart me though didn't drink as much as they wanted me to and I was still fine. Yeah! Although I still almost peed myself when I sneezed. Reminder to self: start doing those damn Kegel's!

We met with the genetic specialist and managed to confuse the crap out of ourselves. But, ultimately we decided to do the NT and the sequential screen. Frankly, with the embryo of a 30 year old I'm not sure we really need to, but I'm hoping for peace of mind when it is all done.

Apparently the NT measured just fine, so we wait for the blood results in 3 to 5 business days. Based on that we will decide if we want to do an amnio.

Everything on the ultrasound looked fine. Quite an amazing alien baby I have growing in there. Although we saw some profile shots which were just stunning. I swear it looks like our son's profile. Amazing Daddy thinks I'm insane. He's probably right.

Any who....I feel pretty good about things right now.

Yesterday we met with the OB for the first time. I really liked her she was very positive and congratulatory. The nurse even called us kids when she left the room, which cracked me up since AD is going to be 50 on Saturday. Of course, this same nurse managed to alter my weight by 50 pounds on the chart. 50 pounds people! She made it look like I had LOST 50 pounds (which would be awesome) since my visit with the nurse two weeks ago. Despite the doctor making a comment that she thinks this nurse is on drugs, I think I like her!

But back to the doctor. We asked all our questions, mainly about my weight and my Zoloft use. She said not to worry about my weight and to just enjoy being pregnant. She agreed that if I don't gain much weight that would be fine, but I should just eat healthy and try to focus on high protein low carbs. As for the Zoloft she said it is the most studied SSRI in pregnancy and that is what they prefer their patients to be on if they need something. She didn't seem familiar with a study I did a poor job of trying to recall for her about newborns born with pulmonary hypertension (might have helped if I could have remembered that word!) in women taking Zoloft after 20 weeks. Anyway, I'll check out the articles again and then decide. I think ultimately it comes down to is it better to have a happy mother than a miserable one.

I did have confirmation today that I will need to have ultrasounds every other week between weeks 16 and 26 since I had a LEEP done several years ago. Apparently there is some risk of my cervix failing during that time. I asked what the treatment was if any of the US showed there was a problem and the doctor said either bed rest or they would sew it shut. You can imagine how happy Amazing Daddy was to hear that bed rest might be a possibility. Frankly, I'm just not all that concerned. I think the chances of that happening are pretty slim.

So, next OB appointment and next US in four weeks. I'm not sure if I can go that long without pictures!! Yikes.

As a combination birthday gift, Christmas gift, some extra cash I made from doing some surveys and some sewing, I was able to buy a new laptop. Whoohoo!

It's very cool and silver and shiny! And I really suck with that touch pad thingy! And I still need to figure out how to balance it on my lap while curled up on the couch. But, theoretically, since it is likely to be right there next to me every evening (since I spent most evenings on the couch) I should be blogging much more frequently! Oh you lucky guys you!

So here are some thoughts from the past week.

I had a nasty cold last weekend, super nasty, snotty, buggery, coughy, some fever, achooachoo cold. Felt most terrible for at least four days. Of course, three of those four days Amazing Daddy was out of town. SH travels out of town maybe twice a year, and usually at my urging, since it is to do some private consulting or advising and generally means a little extra chunk of change for us. So yeah, it all sounded great two months ago when he was invited on this little shindig.

Didn't sound nearly as great when it came time for him to leave and I was on the couch with a 101F on what was so far the nicest day of the year. I convinced The Boy that it would be great fun to have a pajama day and watch TV and movies all day. And for the most part it was, until he wanted to go outside and I said I couldn't, and he cried, because he was ready for me not to be sick anymore. And, that time where I fell asleep on the couch and didn't realize he was upstairs raiding the top of my husbands dresser for gum, tootsie rolls and spare change. Thankfully the phone rang and woke me up, and then I realized I had no idea where my son was.

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Tuesday my mom called me. I still felt like crap mind you. I had finally told my sister in law that I was pregnant. She has three boys 11, 8 and 5. So my mom told me that she and Kari had been talking and they wondered if I knew how hard this was going to be. It seems to be a running theme with my mother. Oh, you are going to be so tired, how are you going to do this. Are you sure you want to do this with all TB's problems. How are you going to manage. Does AD really want this, he is almost 50 you know. blahhhh, blahhh, blahhh. No matter how much I tell her that I don't want her negative thoughts, she continues.

So on Tuesday I asked her how she thought hearing that was helpful to me. Oh she says, we are just sympathizing. But, I said, it hasn't happened yet, so how is it helping? And then I may have pushed things a little by saying that, well, maybe I should just get rid of the baby now, cause shit, it will be hard and I will be tired, but really, so what if we spent $40,000 getting here, why don't I just go abort the baby right now, cause shit, I'll be tired. WTF!!!!!! So she said that maybe I should go get some sleep, and I haven't heard from her since.

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American Idol hell! Oh yeah, I watched, and cried. And fucking donated $100. Hi honey, yeah, forgot to mention, I donated to AI gives back! Yup, $100. I know.....

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So it's a little strange being a first time pregnant mom, who already has a child. I'm not a first time mom, but yet I've never experienced pregnancy or birth before either. Where exactly do I fit in?

Do I get a baby shower? I did have a post adoption shower for The Boy that my family did for us. It was very, very nice and they were very generous. My husbands work did a shower for him before we went to get TB and they were extremely generous. My work threw a small party with a cake and pizza for lunch one day and gave us some gifts. All quite nice! Very nice, and I am in no way complaining. I feel quite honored that anyone at all thought of us. Amazing Daddy's family did nothing, but then in the Jewish tradition you don't give baby showers before the baby comes.

So what about with this baby? I never had a true baby shower, as in here I am pregnant as house, guess how big the stomach is, silly shower games and ribbon hats etc. kind of shower. So now I'm pregnant with my first baby, but really, it's not my first baby. And I know many believe you don't get a shower after baby number one. So is it OK to still want a shower? Cause really, I still need all the newborn stuff that we didn't need for TB. How selfish am I being?

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And some more whining about being pregnant for the first time, but not really. This should be a time where AD and I are just all in to my pregnant body and whats going on in there, treating me like a queen, etc.. Everyone asks if he is going out at 2am to get me ice cream. Yeah right, the poor guy is so busy taking care of TB while I sleep on the couch every evening, that there is no way he's waking up for anything at 2am. AD is being so awesome and supportive, and taking care of TB is no easy feat some days. I'm just sad for both of us that we aren't able to revel in this pregnancy the way we have wanted to for almost eight years.

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Ok, whining is over. Next post more positive I promise.

Graduation day

Oh boy, it appears the RE and I are parting ways. I think I'm having an anxiety attack.

Another gorgeous ultrasound this morning. Lots of baby movement. That kid was all over the place! Damn...it just kind of hit me. I'm pregnant, as in really, really pregnant! Wow!

*breath, breath*

So, no more PIO shots. And no blood work to even confirm that when I stop its ok.

*breath, breath*

And only one more week of estrogen patches.

*breath, breath*

I don't think I'm ready. How can they just shove me away like this? Don't they know I have abandonment issues?

Ohboy, I'm not sure I'm ready for this.

10 weeks, 2 days

Ok, I'm starting to feel a little more comfortable that this baby may stick around. Ultrasound today was so cool. Lots of moving around and waving of arms and kicking of legs. Baby is head down here.

Amazing Daddy has pretty much told everyone, or at least his mother has. There's telephone and then there's teleBea. Not that I blame her, she's pretty excited and definitely never expected this.

I'm still making my parents wait to tell anyone. Sometimes it is fun to just impose torture on them for no good reason. I did tell my sister-in-law which should relieve some of the anxiety for my mother to tell now that she has at least one person to talk to about it.

It's funny, my mom keeps asking me if I have a feeling about whether it is a boy or a girl. I really don't. I admit I'd like a girl for all the obvious girly reasons, but I truly don't have any sense of what it actually is. Should I?

Next US next Thursday (April 26). I think he was about to let me go today, but I begged for at least one more and he agreed.

I have my first OB appointment tomorrow. I guess it is with the nurse to get all the paperwork set up and lab work slips done. Appointment with the actual doctor is in another two weeks.

I'm still exhausted, and occasionally feel slightly icky stomach, but mostly pretty good.

8 weeks, 2 days

All is well. I've just been so busy being tired. Incredibly tired. Not wanting to leave the couch kind of tired. With a tiny bit of nausea thrown in for good measure.

Ultrasound this morning showed a good sized embryo at eight weeks five days. Still hard to see, but the white blog toward the middle of the black space is the head. The torso to the left of that, with the thin white bit being the umbilical cord. The heart beat was steady at 166 beats a minute.

Today I feel pretty good. I think I always feel better the day of the ultrasound. I get gradually more uptight leading up to each one. So much fear that I will go in and the heart won't be beating or the growth will have stopped. Amazing Daddy just doesn't understand why I do this.

Of course, he also doesn't understand why I called him at work this morning asking him where The Boy's fucking shoes were, and why I think it's his responsibility to make sure I can find them in the morning. Then he made some comment about how tired he was, to which I responded "you're tired? You're tired? You think YOU are tired?" He may be a little scared to come home tonight.

We have a heart beat!

After all that anxiety, and some slow wanding by Dr. C., we saw a heart beat. A huge relief.

Amazing Daddy can't understand my pessimism about this. In a way I'm glad. It's good there aren't two worry wort's in this family.

Next US in a week.