Monday, December 31, 2007

New Years eve update

So Amazing Daddy dragged me to the doctors about ten days ago. She medicated me up and I'm finally starting to feel a little better. Still not all butterflies and bunny rabbits, but I wasn't quite that before either. At least every other thought isn't how everyone would be better off if I left. AD has been a rock through this.

Baby Brother continues to enchant me most of the time. We saw his first smile the Saturday before Christmas. Now he smiles all the time. And has the most adorable little cooing sounds.

He also amazes me with the sheer amount of gas he produces. I mean this boy can toot! And the last couple days it has started to really smell! Which makes me wonder just what I've been eating to cause that smell. I thought breast poops weren't supposed to smell. Or was that just wishful thinking on my part? Any thoughts fellow mommy's? Is this amount of gas normal? It's so frequent that now The Boy blames all his toots on his Baby Brother.

Breast feeding has been interesting. Lately he's been at them all day long! It was getting a bit overwhelming. Twice over the weekend I gave him a bottle and both times he sucked down over two ounces of formula, so it finally hit me that maybe I wasn't producing enough at one time to fill him up. So this weekend I started to pump periodically through out the day. This morning I woke up with mammoth mam's. Wowzers! He's had a nice full belly today! He even took a three hour nap for me in his car seat this afternoon after a little stroll around the neighborhood. I feel like a new woman! Now I need to work on getting him to sleep at night without me holding him.

The Boy has been doing great with him! None of the aggression we had feared has surfaced. He's actually very gentle with him and frequently asking how he's doing. He doesn't care for it when he cries, but then again, I don't either. He seems to be handling my depression ok as well, but I know he's aware of it and I hate that. I hate that he sees me cry at times. Although he does tend to behave better when I'm crying.

So happy new year everyone! And with this I'm off to go change a diaper that smells strangely like buttered popcorn.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Jewish house

Amazing Daddy and The Boy have been enjoying their drives home from work/preschool lately, looking at all the Christmas lights on the houses.

The Boy wanted to know why some houses didn't have lights, so AD said that maybe Jewish families lived in those houses.

A few minutes later AD hears The Boy talking to himself: "Jewish house, Jewish house, not a Jewish house, another Jewish house."

Then last night they stopped at BJ's to get gas and The Boy told AD "BJ's is not Jewish."

I wonder when he'll realize this is a Jewish house? Maybe the Christmas tree in the front window is confusing him...

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Frustration - definitely in the TMI category

I'm getting very frustrated by the state of my "nether region." It doesn't seem to feel any different over the last week or so. It's still sore. And I still feel a lot of uncomfortable pressure there. And there is still a large slit going in to the entrance of my vagina. It will be four weeks tomorrow. When will it feel normal again?

The PPD is bad enough...this is enough to help push me over the edge completely.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

More of everything than I thought possible

I can't believe it has been over three weeks since I gave birth to our newest little miracle, known in bloggy land now as Baby Brother (or BB). So many posts I've created in my head during our hours long nursing sessions, but this is truly one of the first times I've had both hands free. the title says...more of everything.

More love for this little guy than I ever thought possible. He's such a cute little old man baby. All scrunched up little face, so expressive. He's a fairly good sleeper, and we have been very lucky that he never had his days and nights screwed up. He took to breastfeeding right away too. He's definitely a mommy's boy and prefers to be in my arms and attached to the nipple 24/7.

More intense love and gratefulness for my husband than ever before. Amazing Daddy was, well yes, amazing during the birth of Baby Brother and he's continued to be amazing since then. He's pretty much taken over the care of The Boy since I haven't been able to (physically or mentally - more on that later). And he's done a great job of taking care of me while I try an take care of BB

More freaking pain and discomfort than I ever thought my crotch could handle. So yeah, BB did no come out easily. I have a birth story started that hopefully I'll finish and post soon, but in a nut shell he ended up as a forceps delivery, and boy howdy, let me tell you, talk about some trauma to the old cooter. I may never be the same again down there, at least without some surgical correction. At risk of sharing TMI, the stitches in my episiotomy dissolved too soon so I'm healing from the inside out, rather than the outside in. I won't know for a couple weeks whether or not it all comes back together or not. And let me just say, NO ONE TOLD ME I'D BE PEEING MYSELF after this. Maybe I was in the bathroom during that part of child birth class...

More feelings of isolation than I expected. I admit it, this is harder than I ever expected. And I know I'm incredibly lucky because I have an easier baby than most. But damn, I feel so alone at times. So lonely during the day. So isolated. I never expected these types of feelings. I don't even feel like I can admit to not being overwhelmingly happy after everything we went though to get here. Are IF'ers allowed to admit that they aren't 100 percent happy once they have the baby? I think I may be a little bit past the baby blues and teetering on the edge of PPD. It sucks feelings like this...

More NOT in to Christmas this year than I ever believed possible. There will be no Christmas cards sent out this year, no decorating of the house, etc. We are lucky that we got a tree up for The Boy, and some presents ordered to be delivered to my parents house for Xmas morning. Saturday night we have a baby sitter scheduled for TB so AD and I can go out and do some shopping. It's funny, I always thought having maternity leave over Christmas would be the perfect time. That I'd have the house all decorated, cookies made, home made gifts galore for my family, etc. etc. etc. Bah, humbug...I just can't be bothered to even think about any of it this year. And that's how I know it's time to call the doctor for some medication adjustments.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

The birth story

So, birth was HARD! Wonder why that surprised me so much. I had major back labor which I guess hurts more than no back labor? Not that I have anything to compare it to. Regardless, it really hurt. It went so quickly in the beginning that they kept telling me it was going to be over before an epidural would really help, or that the epidural would make pushing too hard to do.

I woke up that morning about 7am and thought I was feeling something, but then I thought the same thing the last three days, and then found it go away after I pooped. This time I kept feeling things, so I told Amazing Daddy to check in with me after taking The Boy to school. By 8am I knew I was having contractions so I called Amy (our doula) and let her know it was starting. My parents had arrived the night before so I spent the next hour working in the nursery with my mom. I was bending down to pick something up about 9am and felt a gush as my water broke. Up to that point I'd been having contractions about every five minutes that were 30 seconds or so long. After my water broke they got more intense and were about every 3 or 4 minutes. We called the doctor and they told us to head on in. From then on it was Game On!

The 30 minute ride to the hospital was hell! I went from wanting to do this without an epidural to wanting one as soon as we got there. AD thought I was going to tear the "oh shit" handle right off the car.

We got to the hospital about 10 am and my contractions were about 3 minutes apart by then. I thought for sure the baby was going to pop out any second. They checked me and I was only at 1.5 cm and I was like "you have to be fucking kidding me, does that mean I can't get the epidural yet?" To get the epidural they had to start an IV which took a while b/c they had to get the IV team. And then I started throwing up (nasty). So they checked me again and I was at 6 cm. They moved me from triage to L & D and within another hour I was at 9 cm. I think this was about 1pm or so. I was moving so fast that they figured I was going to have him within the next hour. Then I stalled out at 9cms for about two hours.

After the first hour that I stayed at 9 we decided the epidural would be useful, so they got the anesthesiologist up right away. Love the epidural! I still had a pocket of pain in my groin that never went away, and I could feel massive pressure, but it was much better than the constant contractions one on top of each other. About 3:30 the doctor said I was ready to push. So I pushed and I pushed and I pushed...etc. etc. Apparently I wasn't doing a very good job at moving him down the birth canal. I never actually crowned.

The baby started to show signs of distress and his heart rate wasn't bouncing back after the contractions so they decided to try a vacuum delivery. The vacuum popped off his head though, so then they went to the forceps. Which required an episiotomy. I was all, do what you have to do, just get him the fuck out of there!

AD told me later that the doctor told him after that he really thought they were going to have to do an emergency c section on me. Glad I didn't know that then. Apparently I was quite nice to everyone and didn't yell except at the end when I did some loud grunting as I pushed. And yes, I pooped a little bit too. And I knew I was doing it...ugh.

It's funny. I went in to it all very concerned that my ass would be hanging out for everyone to see. By the time we got to the hospital I was so uncomfortable that I really didn't care at all who saw what part of me. Oh, and having the doula there was great! AD did great too, but I really needed both of them there. I highly recommend using a doula.

I ended up with sulcus tears inside my vagina from the forceps and of course the episiotomy. And oh lord, the hemorrhoids. I thought they were bad before! Thank god for Percocet and Vicodin. I was definitely not prepared for how much it was going to hurt after I gave birth, and for how long.

If I was going to do it again I would definitely give serious thought to a c-section. Thank god my labor only really lasted eight hours!

We were back in the hospital for 24 hours Thursday night (thanksgiving) to treat his jaundice with the lights. That was a little concerning and they had us giving him some formula then b/c it apparently helps pull the billirubin out better. I pumped during that time to get my milk to come in, and when it did, wow! The Ladies were huge! They seemed to be working for him b/c he was back to his birth weight at his first doctors appointment, almost a week ahead of schedule.

Saturday, November 24, 2007


Baby Brother
8 lbs, 7 oz
21 1/2 inches long
November 19, 2007 5:06pm

Details to follow soon! Just didn't want to delay any longer in letting you know.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

And still waiting...

Sunday afternoon...five days late...ugh.

I feel OK, about the same as I have all week. I did lose my mucus plug during the night Thursday. I've continued with the "bloody show" since then. (OK, is that like the most horrible term? I still can't believe that is the official verbiage. More appropriate for a horror movie scrip I should think.)

I haven't felt much movement over the last 24 hours and it's been freaking me out. I keep using the Doppler to check the heartbeat, and he's galloping right along, so I'm trying not to worry. Of course as I write this I think I might be feeling a hiccup from him.

Apparently I'm in the worry like crazy phase...if it isn't worrying about not feeling movement I'm starting to freak myself out about all the "what ifs" during and after the birth. Less so the birth I think, as I'm trying to keep myself as open and flexible as possible. Of course I have what I'd like to happen, but if it doesn't work that way I know the ultimate goal is to have a healthy baby at the end. I'm freaking out more about what surprises could be in store for us when the baby is born. What if something is wrong. What if not getting an amnio was the wrong way to go. What if he has Downs syndrome...or a genetic disorder we aren't aware of from the donors. What if, what if, what if?????

Is all this worry right now normal? Or am i just a freak.


My parents arrive tonight. I'll be relieved when they get here. It will make life easier knowing we don't have to worry about getting the baby sitter here. Provided I don't go in to labor today or tonight, I go in to be induced tomorrow evening. That will give me the day with my parents which will be nice (I hope - typically the first day or two of a visit with them is fine). I need some help with furniture arrangement in the baby's room. I am insisting on keeping the guestroom bed in there and it is making things a bit tight. I have some shelves I'm hoping my dad will finish putting up for me and once I confirm where the book case is going I can put the books (which are in various piles all over the house) and other stuff on it.

My bags are packed for the hospital so I guess I'm basically ready. Other than the intense fear that I have no idea what I'm doing when I actually bring the baby home.


p.s. Feeling a bunch of baby movement right now. Yeah!

p.p.s. We did finally agree on a name. I'll probably post it for a few days after we bring him home, then delete to try and keep some anonymity to this blog.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Sex, sex and more sex

Ok, so I didn't go this weekend. In fact, today is baby brothers due date and there is nothing going on. Still a little over 1 cm dilated and 80 to 90% effaced. No contractions, no bloody show...nothing.

Saw my favorite doctor today and she suggested we have lots of sex. Yes, Amazing Daddy's eyes glazed over as he got this odd smile on his face. Of course, he's down stairs watching the Transformer movie instead of getting it on with me. His priorities appear to be a bit whacked lately.

Doctor indicated baby was big, as in 9 pounds. Not really a surprise based on the last ultrasound I had.

So I'm uncomfortable, huge, and feel like there is a bowling ball in my pelvis.

Induction scheduled for next Tuesday. So no matter what happens a week from now I should be holding my baby in my arms! There is an end in sight.

Friday, November 09, 2007

any day now

1 to 2 cm's dilated and 90 percent effaced! Also not feeling all that great today. My doula thinks I will go this weekend. I sure hope so!!!!

Monday, October 29, 2007

1 big belly + 1 broken front seat = one strange excuse for being late for work

Amazing Daddy put the infant seat in the cars yesterday. To do so he moved the front seat forward. No big deal huh? Until I get in this morning and realize it is too far forward for me and try to move it back....and it won't go. So I try moving it problem. Except I'm belly up to the steering wheel.

So I squeeze myself out of the car and start playing with the controls. Nothing but forward, up and down. Call to hubby gets the "oh yeah, I had to jiggle it a bit yesterday, try that." So I jiggle...I jiggle and jiggle...and swear (quietly of course, since The Boy is in the car). Nothing.

AD is on his way home to get us. I swear to all that is good, if he gets that fucking thing to work with no problems I'm going to go back to bed and stay there the rest of the day.

Oh yeah, I had to call my boss to let her know I was going to be late. She laughed...a lot. Can't make this shit up!

Monday, October 22, 2007

Week 37 update

So I'm cruising along. Ultrasound last week indicated baby brother was 7 pounds 4 oz, with three'ish weeks to go. Let's hope for a good margin of error on that one, or I'm looking at a 9 plus pounder.

U/S also shows baby is finally head down. A week ago Friday at 35 1/2 weeks he was still breech and the doctor was scheduling me for an external version to turn him, or a scheduled c-section. I really do not want a c-section, but was also not thrilled about a version, considering the risks. I talked her in to giving me a week to try and do it on my own. I spent a significant amount of time over the weekend in a head down position with my ass pointed up. I also played music in my crotch and put ice on my fundus. On Sunday I was telling Amazing Daddy that I thought something had shifted because I was hungry (which I haven't been in a couple months) and even after I ate I wanted some more. I didn't really think he had turned though.

Well, Monday I had an U/S to see and I was pleasantly surprised to find out he was indeed head down. The perinatologist reconfirmed with another U/S on Friday. So, sounds like we are good to go.

From what I understand if the baby turns on his own it's a pretty good chance he will stay that way, unlike with a version.

Our doula (did I mention we are going to have a doula at the birth?) gave us some exercises and positions to help us ensure he stays head down.

So I guess I'm in the home stretch. I'm certainly feeling more uncomfortable by the day and finally I think I can say I'm ready for this to happen. The painting is almost finished in the nursery. I hope to finish tomorrow. Then the furniture is scheduled to come Friday afternoon. And then, finally, I can do what I've been waiting to do, and organize all the piles of stuff sitting around the house! Yeah! Maybe then I'll actually believe this is happening.

Speaking of names...

We still can't agree on a name for baby brother. 37 weeks in and nothing. We are at an impasse...

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

And forever after he shall be called….Herman

Herman the Hemorrhoid that is. Or Hermy, as I (not so) affectionately call him.

Yes, a walnut size mass has taken over my anal region. And it ain’t pretty. Or comfortable.

All in all I’ve been pretty lucky as far as the irritating pregnancy issues go. No varicose veins (yet), no stretch marks, no sciatica, I’m not waddling yet.

But damn Hermy, you came on with a vengeance this week.

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Hey, check out my shaved pussy!

34 weeks and counting

So here I am just shy of 35 weeks. I feel huge, of course. And awkward. I literally have to pick my belly up when I roll over in bed so it will follow me. Baby brother is riding high and giving me a bit of a scare that he's never going to turn head down. He's taking up a lot of room in there, thus making it hard to catch my breath and leaving me little room to eat. Can't say that lack of hunger is a bad thing. I continue to stay within the same 2 or 3 pound range, but he continues to grow, so the doctors are pleased.

I really can't complain with how this pregnancy is going, and feel like I don't deserve to complain. I am however tired, and getting tired of not being able to do things. The house is getting out of control and the baby's room is still not done.

Oh yes, about the baby's room. I'm getting close to having the painting finished. We had a chair rail put up yesterday, which I need to wood putty the nail holes and then paint. After that other than some touch ups I think the painting will be done. Unfortunately, the first weekend I started painting, Amazing Daddy and The Boy were "helping." TB started to get a little wild, and I asked AD to get him, since I was up on the ladder. Unfortunately, AD kicked over a gallon of green paint in the process. About 3/4 of a gallon of paint on the carpet. Quite the mess. I swear, that man will do anything to get out of painting! Ha. Actually, he felt awful about it, and it was a total accident. I shouldn't have had the can where I did.

So, we are getting new floors. And, since I really wanted wood floors from the beginning, that's what we are getting. Of course, I didn't have this in the budget, and they are costing 2 times what I thought they would. Ughhh... But, they are going to look gorgeous (if they ever get them installed). This room will probably look better than any other room in the house.

Hopefully as soon as the floors are down and I finish the final touch ups, the furniture will be ready to be delivered. Only then will I feel like I can start sorting through the clothes and really seeing what we have left to get. Right how what we do have (yeah for hand me downs!) is all sitting in our dining room. I will feel so much better when the room is ready.

We did register at Baby's R Us and Target, but more to help me keep track of what we need, than anything else. There has been no talk of anyone giving us a baby shower. I admit, I'm very disappointed. Unfortunately, it's part of that "bigger picture" that I've had in my head all these years, while waiting and hoping I would get pregnant. I'll get over it though. Since, technically, this is our second child, I understand. Not to mention that AD's side of the family is Jewish and don't do baby showers.

AD has really stepped up to the plate the last couple weeks. He's been very helpful around the house, he's been doing about 95% of the cooking and taking care of TB. And he's been very sweet to me.

We started birthing classes last week and I think that has helped him see that this is real. Plus the instructor is very verbal about the dad's needing to take care of the mom's, and AD is listening! It has been so nice!

We need to spend more time practicing the relaxation stuff they are teaching us, but we are trying. I do feel like I've learned some stuff from the class, and have a better idea of what to expect.

I went in to the class with a "give me drugs" attitude, but I'm thinking now I'd like to go as long as I can without getting an epidural. I really don't want to be stuck in bed any more than I have to. It sounds like being up and moving makes things move along faster, so that's what I'm going to try for.

Our biggest concern is what we are going to do with The Boy. We do have some people on call to help us out, and when I know I'm definitely in labor I'm to call my parents so they can start the 12 hour drive out from Michigan. I didn't realize that there was so much laboring done at home. I'm not sure how TB will handle that. I'm such a planner, that this bit of "when will it start" is hard for me. But, still exciting.

As for my parents coming I'm glad they will be here, especially to help out with The Boy. I can also trust my mom to pick up what ever baby stuff we didn't get around to buying. My concern though is that if I go late, we may be getting close to Thanksgiving. My mom has had Thanksgiving at her house for the family "on the farm" the last couple years. Knowing her, she won't think it is ok to not do it this year. Or to cancel at the last minute (even though my brother, my cousin, or my aunt and uncle are all capable of handling it). So, I know she will start to stress about this if it gets close to it. And, I'll start to feel like its a competition between me and "the farm." Fortunately my dad is more flexible with stuff like this, and will hopefully keep her calm.

There have been so many things I've wanted to blog about in the last couple weeks, just haven't been in the writing mood. Hopefully I'll do better in these last couple weeks.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Response to a few comments

Yeah, love the drink more water advice. Like my bladder isn't tortured enough these days.

I have that big elastic belt thingy. It does help, but gets uncomfortable by the end of the day. And if it's not arranged just right the velcro rubs on me and drives me crazy.

I'm having a hard time keeping the big ol' granny panties up these days. I think my (very flat) butt is getting smaller. I haven't gained weight with the pregnancy (don't hate me, I gained 40 pounds during all the IVF's, and I wasn't small to begin with) so I guess the fattage had to have moved from somewhere. So yeah, I think I'm the only pregnant woman whose butt and boobs got smaller instead of bigger.

And hubby update...he actually touched my big ol' pregnant belly last night, all on his own! I think three weeks plus without sex is getting to him.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

On husbands and an irritable uterus

Ok, so life is better. Sorry I haven't updated in a while.

Amazing Daddy and I went away for a few days the week before Labor Day and it was quite nice. Great to have a chance to reconnect and be alone for a while.

We also had a session with The Boy's therapist where we just focused on the two of us. That was good too, to have a facilitated talk. I was impressed at how open AD was able to be.

On another note, AD and I spent our 7th wedding anniversary in Labor and Delivery last weekend. How's that for excitement?

Not really sure what happened, probably a combination of getting a little dehydrated, doing a little too much trying to get the baby's room ready, and being constipated. I had terrible lower abdominal cramps. So bad I could hardly move without crying. So we called the doctor on call and she sent us in. By that time I was pretty scared.

They hooked me up to a monitor and tried to get an IV in me. I'm not an easy stick. They finally had to call the IV team in to get one in, which took over an hour to get there. I was definitely having some contractions, or what they liked to call "uterine irritability." It felt like this band of extreme tightness across my lower abdomen that didn't ease up. I kept saying I thought contractions come and go, but this was constant. Fortunately the baby was doing fine, and my cervix was still long and closed. They did a fetal fibronectin test which came back negative, thus relieving more of my fears.

It was fun to hear the heartbeat for an extended period of time, and for a while we even got to hear him hiccup. Very cool. A couple times since then I've even felt him hiccup.

After about five hours they sent me home and told me to take it easy and said I have an irritable uterus (like that's the only thing irritable with me lately??). I was still in pretty bad pain when we got home. I just couldn't get comfortable and did lots of moaning and squirming. Poor AD. I think I scared him.

So I took it easy the next day and slept a lot. Praying I would poop sometime soon. I really think a lot of it was a big ol' stuck poop and then I stressed some accessory muscles. Who knows.

I was still uncomfortable for a few days, but I'm feeling much better now. I'm just trying to be very careful not to over do it, to keep hydrated, and to keep pooping.

I still feel tightening when I stand up from sitting or laying. I ordered a maternity belt to try and help with that. It came yesterday and seems to be useful, although it is quite a contraption to put on. Riding in the car is not comfortable any more. Taking The Boy to school in the morning and then getting to work is about as far as I can go, and even then I get out of the car and feel my uterus tightening up. I guess we won't be making that trip back to Michigan that I had hoped for at the end of the month.

So all in all, everything is ok!

Sunday, August 19, 2007

The Ladies

Yes, I'm still emotional, but let's talk about The Ladies today.

I'm quite fascinated with my own breasts. I have been pretty much since they first appeared when I was a pre-teen/teen.

Well now, let me tell you, they have become my latest obsession. I can't stop looking at them, poking them, prodding them, and squeezing them. My nipples are amazing! I mean, they are huge! And the areola, wowzers! And now, they are starting to produce colostrum. How exciting is that?!?

So, please excuse me why I go admire them and squeeze out a little juice.

And yes, AD thinks I've totally lost it.


Still on the subject of boobs, please send some love out to my friend NG who is going in for a breast biopsy tomorrow. She has some lovely Ladie's herself!

Wednesday, August 15, 2007


I haven't posted much recently because I haven't been sure how to say what has been going on, especially in my head.

I've been so emotional the last few weeks. It seems like every other day I start crying and can't seem to stop. One day was so bad I couldn't even go to work.

I can't completely pinpoint what is going on, but I think a lot of it is I feel lonely lately. Of course, even I ask myself how I can feel lonely when I have a son and husband.

I'm certainly feeling the lack of female friendship these days, more than I have in years. I regret that I never made any close friendships when I moved here, other than Jen and Nancy, who both moved away. When I first moved here I didn't need anyone other than Amazing Daddy. I didn't want to be with anyone else. Then The Boy came along and my life was full, and busy.

Here and there I have felt the gap, but for the most part I was able to fill it with something else. Now though, probably because I feel this distance between AD and myself, it is more obvious that I don't have anyone else to lean on or talk to.

God, even writing this has me in tears. Man, these pregnancy hormones can just go fuck themselves.

All I know is I have all these amazing things going on in my body, and my sex drive is going crazy, and I feel like I have no one to share it with. Not that I would be sharing that with a girlfriend...but at least I could bitch about it with her.

I miss my husband. I miss good sex. I miss my sanity.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

No longer wanted

Last night I asked (not so) Amazing Daddy to help me take off the nail polish on my toe nails. Frankly, it’s getting harder to get down that far and still be able to breath. Not to mention too much bending over like that has been known to trigger my gag reflex, resulting in nasty vomiting.

Well, you would have thought I had asked him to wipe my shit covered ass.

I mean, WTF? So my ankles are a little swollen, it’s not like my feet are nasty.

Well, he did it, but grudgingly. I swear he did everything he could to not actually have to touch anything.

Honestly, it really hurt my feelings. It’s been fairly clear the last couple weeks that he is just not attracted to me anymore. And here I am, actually having a libido for once! Apparently, now that I have to be on top, he feels crushed by me.

Way to make a girl feel good! It really hurt my feelings.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Welcome back my friend!

A very good friend of mine just shared her blog with me. I can’t tell you how special that made me feel. I just spent the last hour reading it (at work- shhh). I’m close to tears after reading it because it has made me feel even closer to her.

She is the wife of an orthopedic surgery resident. I have always thought she was an amazing person. She is essentially a single parent while her husband spends his life at the hospital at the mercy of his attending and patients. She is a strong woman, an intelligent woman, an incredibly caring woman, and she makes me laugh.

I met her at work a couple years ago, and then she moved to Nashville last year for her husband to do his first year of his fellowship. She is getting ready to move back here for him to finish his second year. I can’t wait to have her back in the area. I wasn’t very good keeping in touch with her last year; I was so wrapped up with the IVF’s, with The Boy, and then the pregnancy. I’ve never been good at keeping up with people who are out of town. It’s a big flaw of mine.

I saw her in person for the first time in a year today. It felt like it always had. So very comfortable.

Welcome back Nancy. I plan on making the most of this year with you before you and Dr. Arm head back down south.

Check out her Blog everyone. It is THAT good!

Monday, July 30, 2007

Your things

Amazing Daddy looked at my breasts the other day and said "wow, your things are getting bigger." "My things?" I said, looking down. "Yeah, your things, your areola, I didn't want to get too technical with you."


Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Yes, a one way ticket

Yes, it was a one way trip for Mell.

It was not an easy decision to make. The vet was wonderful with us and with Mell. It seemed peaceful for him, although I know he was scared just purely from being there.

They took a plaster paw print of him which I thought was a very nice gesture.

This morning Amazing Daddy went outside and said there was a dead mouse on our front steps. Almost makes you think Mell is up in mouser heaven and left us a little gift to show us he's ok. Strange.

The Boy is understandably confused. He asked if Mell was coming home today and SH told him that Mell was in heaven. TB wanted to know what heaven was. How do you explain heaven when you don't believe in it yourself? So I told my son a story that I don't believe, but I think made him feel better. Is that bad?

Monday, July 23, 2007

It may be a one way trip...

Mell (white collar) and Ambien (in basket)

Tonight at 7:30pm we are taking our cat Mell to the vet. I don't think we will be bringing him home. He has cancer. Although we aren't sure exactly where it started, it has metastasized to his anus and is basically blocking him up. We had the lump removed once before Christmas last year.

Saturday he was throwing up bloody vomit and there was blood on his rear. He's losing weight and seems to be sleeping and hiding more. He stinks. The other cats want nothing to do with him. He's only 11 years old. I've had him and his brother since they were eight weeks old.

Saturday afternoon we decided it was time, but knew we had to wait until today when the vet was open. So all weekend I cried. Then last night he appeared with a clean butt and wanted to be in my lap all lovey like. Like he knows...and is asking for clemency.

I don't know what to do. I'm tired of vomit and poop all over the house. I don't want him to be in pain, and I know he was Saturday. I know that this is a decision we will have to make soon, if not today.

How do you know when it is really time? And how do you explain it to a 4 1/2 year old?

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

This was my morning

5:15am, The Boy banging on his bedroom door and yelling for help. He wanted milk and a granola bar.

6:30am, Woke up to husband telling me that our refrigerator wasn't working...again.

7am, Rolled out of bed to realize one of the cats had left a hairy turd on my pillow, nestled against my head. (I'm assuming it was a cling-on and not an intentional gift.)

7:20am, call from TSS that she is sick

8am, realized while driving The Boy to school that they weren't going to let him go to swim lessons without his TSS

9:15am, reminded once again that I'm married to the best guy ever

My husband is the absolute best Daddy!

The Boy's TSS (one-on-one helper) is sick today. Today is swim lessons at school, which TB loves, and has been super with. But the school won’t let him go without his TSS. I completely understand why, as you just never know with him when he’s going to lose his shit. But man, I almost cried when I found out they weren’t going to let him go this morning. So I called Amazing Daddy to tell him, and he was bummed out too.

Next thing I know AD is calling me from the school to say he’s there and he’s going to go with TB to swim lessons (including riding the school bus to and from) so he won’t miss out.

He really is the best! I think my man is getting lucky tonight!

* This is just one of many awesome things he’s done for TB and for me recently.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Now this looks like a great idea!

I'm constantly tearing out magazine pages from my parenting type magazines, with recipes, great ideas, good deals etc. Then they end up on my desk and I either lose them or throw them away because all the mess is driving me crazy. I think this would really help!

And here's another contest I'm hoping will chose me. I've been looking for a new baby carrier and this one looks promising.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Let's play...Guess the Gender!

My Mom had NO CLUE what the arrow was pointing too.

She may still be working on the pink blanket.
Foot prints!

All hale skelator

I swear he has TB's nose.
So yes, we are having a boy. My fathers check book is safe from my mother. I guess every one will have to wait for my nephews to get married and procreate (hopefully in that order). Which shouldn't be for at least another ten or fifteen years.
It took me a while to post this for two reasons. One, I had to deal with this little one not being a girl as I had really started to believe it was (wishful thinking). I'm not really supposed to admit that I had a preference am I? I'm supposed to say that "Oh, all we wanted was a healthy baby" blah, blah, blah.
But honestly, I was disappointed. Although perhaps not the most rational of reasons, part of hoping for a girl was because raising TB has been such a challenge, and, he is in fact, a boy! And then there's the desire to be able to buy all the cute girly clothes and accessories. And the fact we wouldn't have to repaint the guest room. And, the hope that perhaps I could stop the terrible cycle of poor mother-daughter relationships in our family. And, I really want to share all the girly things I love to do, with another girl!
Ah well, as the money shot shows, we are having a boy. And I am adjusting to it. We'll be getting a quote to have the room painted this week. And since most of my coworkers have boys, I'll be getting some nice hand me downs. And, we definitely know what to do with boys.

The other reason I was slow to post this was we did have a bit of a surprise during the level II ultrasound. Apparently there is excess fluid in baby boys kidneys, which is a marker for Downs Syndrome. It is a very small amount of excess fluid, and we will have it rechecked in four weeks (2 1/2 weeks from now). I had a little discussion with Dr. Google and it told me that this is what many consider a soft marker, and some perinatologists don't even consider it a marker for Downs at all.
Our Dr. said that 95% of the time it ends up being nothing, and if it is something it most likely has nothing to do with Downs. Basically, our chances of having a baby with Downs is now 1 in 200, or 0.5%. Amazing Daddy doesn't think that is worth getting concerned over. But then last weekend I found he did some consulting with Dr. Google as well. We were offered an amnio, because now the chance of miscarriage from an amnio is 0.5% which is equal to the chance of the baby having Downs. We said no and the Dr. seemed to think that was a good decision, considering the hell we went through just to get pregnant.
Basically, I have mixed feelings. Mostly I put the worry out of my mind, and hope that in a little over two weeks I'll be reassured. At this point, I guess there isn't anything I can do about it since even if we did confirm it was an issue, we would not terminate the pregnancy. So, I try not to obsess.
In general, I am feeling pretty good. I'm finally showing, and when I wear the right clothes its fairly obvious I'm pregnant, and not just getting fatter. I have more energy, although I find that climbing more than two flights of stairs has me pretty out of breath these days. I can tell I haven't been exercising. I can't remember if I mentioned this before, but I have been throwing up most mornings for the last month or so. I'm not so much nauseous as I have this gunk in my throat early in the morning that starts to gag me, and then results in me heaving. Sometimes it's just once, sometimes its several times. I have to be careful when I cough because that too has set of my gag reflex.
My sense of smell has become hyper acute as well. AD grilled salmon for dinner the other night and as soon as he brought it in the house and I got a good whiff I ended up in the bathroom. I couldn't even eat dinner with him and TB. Poor TB was very concerned. He kept telling AD to get the fish out of the house so mommy couldn't smell it. So sweet.

I've started to be a bit hungrier than I was before, and I think I may have finally gained a couple pounds. Still no major cravings. In fact, kind of the opposite. Not much really excites me. It has been a struggle some days to get enough protein in me.
I'm starting to think about how I want to decorate the nursery. I'm a bit overwhelmed at the thought of getting everything out of the room, but once I do that and decide on a theme/color, I will have fun.
Starting to think of boys names too. We have one that we both like, but I would like to keep thinking. TB still wants to name a baby brother Hero. He and I both like the name Fin too, but AD wants nothing to do with that.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Another story about The Boy

I'm waiting to get the ultrasound pics scanned before I post. Hopefully by tonight.

While you are waiting, a cute story about The Boy.

While taking his bath, he and daddy are talking about birthdays.

Amazing Daddy: TB, do you remember how old I am?

TB: You are fifty.

Daddy: that's great, can you count to fifty for me?

TB: No Daddy, that would take too long, that would take hours!

Monday, July 02, 2007

Should I think this is funny?

Last night Amazing Daddy dragged out a giant bean bag chair and small trampoline from the basement and left them outside for the trash gods.

They were gone this morning before we woke up. And before the trash gods were awake.

Did I mention that they were soaked in cat urine?

Wonder how long it will take the new owners to figure that out.

Oh god, I hope they don't remember what house they took them from.

New post soon on last weeks level II ultrasound.

Friday, June 22, 2007

non-pregnancy related complaint

So I have DeQuarvains tendinitis. It hurts like a bitch. Wiping my own ass is excruciating.

This morning my hand doc injected me with steroids. He assured me it was safe for the baby. Damn I hope this works.

End complaint...

I may not be around for a while.

Monday, June 11, 2007


It's surprising to me how many people have said recently something to the effect of "well you know, they say that after you adopt it just happens." And most of these people knew that we did IVF!

My usual response is "well, no, actually I think it might have something to do with the three IVF's, the several hundred shots in my butt, and the $40K we spent."

Also, I think if it was just adoption that allowed us to get pregnant, it wouldn't have taken us another four years to get here.

These commenter's were all well meaning people, so I wasn't too harsh on them. I know they didn't mean to say something totally stupid.

week 18 updates

As we sail through week 18 all continues to go well. Ultrasound pictures from week 17 above.

OB appointment last week was non-eventful. I actually lost four pounds since last month. My blood pressure was 110 / 70 and my cervix is tight and closed.

Another ultrasound this week to check my cervix. I think it's just an internal and won't include any real baby pictures. Level II ultrasound in two more weeks. Hopefully confirmation of the sex then. At last weeks ultrasound the tech said she thought it "might" be a boy, but not to tell anyone yet.

Yes, I'm a tiny bit disappointed. Mostly because for the last few weeks I've been thinking it is a girl and starting to look at girly stuff. The last girl born in my family or in Awesome Daddy's was me, so both sides have fingers crossed for a girl.

Obviously though, we will all be thrilled with a boy!

Out of the mouths....

Teacher: TB, you don't seem to have your listening ears on, please put them on.

TB: I can't, they are flying around the room and I can't catch them.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

week 15 update

Nothing exciting to report. All very boring actually.

I'm still not showing, yet I only have two pair of pants that actually fit me. I may have to break down and buy some pregnancy shorts and Capri's, but I'm not looking forward to it. I can't wait until I show so I don't just look fat(er). I think that may take a while though, since I actually am fat. Thank goodness empire waist and baby doll styles are in right now, because I find them very comfortable and in my mind at least they give the illusion of pregnancy.

I'm still tired, but perhaps not as bad as I was. I do have days with some energy, but then seem to pay for it the next day. I have a feeling I did myself a disservice spending the first three months on the couch. A little exercise then would have been good for me and perhaps I would have more energy now.

Can I tell you about my skin? Holy cow, my neck and shoulders are breaking out like crazy. Big red pimples, that rarely come to a head, but then last forever. I think some of them are trying to turn in to skin tags, but I refuse to let them. It's something else, I tell you.

I rented a Doppler about a week ago. Believe it or not I've only listened once, the day I got it. This was after a weekend that I was feeling some odd cramping and just felt strange over all. I needed the reassurance that something was still growing in there. This week though, I've felt good, and just believe that everything is OK. My next ultrasound is next Friday. I can't wait to see how much baby has grown in the last four weeks.

Boobs are still huge, and sore. And man oh man, but did the nipples get huge!

Thursday, May 17, 2007

No tongues were severed in the writing of this blog

In the last week or so The Boy has decided that sticking out his tongue is the four year old version of giving the middle finger. And I’m sure that’s only because he doesn’t know about giving the middle finger. So whenever we tell him something he doesn’t want to hear, or he’s in the middle of a temper tantrum, amongst all his other actions, out slides his adorable little tongue.

Frankly, I just ignore it. Of all the things he does, a little tongue sticking is pretty minor. However, they appear to find it somewhat more offensive at school. So yesterday, after being taken out into the hall by one of his teachers (Miss L), another teacher (Miss T) walked by and asked what was going on. Miss L told Miss T that TB was being very fresh to hear and was not being a nice friend. Miss T saw TB stick out his tongue so she told him that in her classroom she had a special pair of scissors just for that, and she could just go SNIP and take care of it for him.

Well, talk about freaking a kid out! Apparently TB lost it and expressed great remorse, and promised never to do it again.

Fast forward a couple hours to the annual bedtime for wild animals party, as we struggle to get TB to do anything even remotely related to assisting in his bedtime ritual, and once again, out slips that tongue of his. Well, Daddy now knowing about that special pair of scissors told TB that he was going to call Miss T and ask her to bring them over. So he got on the phone and did just that. Well, hysteria ensued. TB completely lost his shit. He begged and promised he would never do it again, just please, please call Miss T and tell her not to come. So, Daddy called Miss T again and told her TB promised he wouldn’t do it again.

Where was I during this exchange? Laughing hysterically as I listened from the living room. Yeah, I know…worlds worst mother here.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Kind of a good-news/bad-news frustrating sort of day yesterday.

Good news: first results from the sequential screen blood test came back and were excellent. Risk of downs is 1 in 4900, risk of trisomy 18 1 in 10,000.

We’ll go for the next blood draw in three weeks.

Bad news: One of my coworkers was fired today. Of course we are given very little information (although I know that her attitude and inability to get along with our boss has been an issue for a long time) and it was quite surprising to all of us, most of all for her I’m sure. Very odd how it was handled, especially since we are such a small place. She’s being treated like a criminal, is not allowed back in the building, all her stuff has been boxed up, etc. I find it hard to believe that she would do anything criminal or destructive to warrant this treatment.

I got home exhausted (typical, lately) and overwhelmed by the happenings at work. Too bad Amazing Daddy had a tennis game and left the house at 6:45 so I was in charge of bath and bed. The Boy did well though, although he wasn’t asleep when I left the room and I heard him playing for a while.

Imagine my surprise when the doorbell rang at 10pm and it was our neighbor telling us that TB was hanging out his bedroom window. Of course we make a mad dash up to his room. There we find him throwing the contents of his bedroom out the window. Mind you this was over and through the safety bars that are there. He managed to push through the screen and then start shoving blankets, stuffed animals, books, clothes, shoes, toys, etc. through the window and down on to the driveway.

Of course much of it got stuck on the little roof overhang that is below his window so I had to push the stuff down the rest of the way with a broom. I was pretty pissed off!

He won’t be getting any of that stuff back. I guess it’s one way to get his room clean. I haven’t taken inventory yet, but I think he pushed most of his animals out, which is going to be pretty tough for him since he loves sleeping with them. Oh well! Wish us a better night tonight please!

Thursday, May 03, 2007

todays ultrasound pics - 12 weeks 2 days

genetic testing and level 1 ultrasound

12 weeks 2 days

My first full bladder ultrasound. Whoohooo. Smart me though didn't drink as much as they wanted me to and I was still fine. Yeah! Although I still almost peed myself when I sneezed. Reminder to self: start doing those damn Kegel's!

We met with the genetic specialist and managed to confuse the crap out of ourselves. But, ultimately we decided to do the NT and the sequential screen. Frankly, with the embryo of a 30 year old I'm not sure we really need to, but I'm hoping for peace of mind when it is all done.

Apparently the NT measured just fine, so we wait for the blood results in 3 to 5 business days. Based on that we will decide if we want to do an amnio.

Everything on the ultrasound looked fine. Quite an amazing alien baby I have growing in there. Although we saw some profile shots which were just stunning. I swear it looks like our son's profile. Amazing Daddy thinks I'm insane. He's probably right.

Any who....I feel pretty good about things right now.

Yesterday we met with the OB for the first time. I really liked her she was very positive and congratulatory. The nurse even called us kids when she left the room, which cracked me up since AD is going to be 50 on Saturday. Of course, this same nurse managed to alter my weight by 50 pounds on the chart. 50 pounds people! She made it look like I had LOST 50 pounds (which would be awesome) since my visit with the nurse two weeks ago. Despite the doctor making a comment that she thinks this nurse is on drugs, I think I like her!

But back to the doctor. We asked all our questions, mainly about my weight and my Zoloft use. She said not to worry about my weight and to just enjoy being pregnant. She agreed that if I don't gain much weight that would be fine, but I should just eat healthy and try to focus on high protein low carbs. As for the Zoloft she said it is the most studied SSRI in pregnancy and that is what they prefer their patients to be on if they need something. She didn't seem familiar with a study I did a poor job of trying to recall for her about newborns born with pulmonary hypertension (might have helped if I could have remembered that word!) in women taking Zoloft after 20 weeks. Anyway, I'll check out the articles again and then decide. I think ultimately it comes down to is it better to have a happy mother than a miserable one.

I did have confirmation today that I will need to have ultrasounds every other week between weeks 16 and 26 since I had a LEEP done several years ago. Apparently there is some risk of my cervix failing during that time. I asked what the treatment was if any of the US showed there was a problem and the doctor said either bed rest or they would sew it shut. You can imagine how happy Amazing Daddy was to hear that bed rest might be a possibility. Frankly, I'm just not all that concerned. I think the chances of that happening are pretty slim.

So, next OB appointment and next US in four weeks. I'm not sure if I can go that long without pictures!! Yikes.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

As a combination birthday gift, Christmas gift, some extra cash I made from doing some surveys and some sewing, I was able to buy a new laptop. Whoohoo!

It's very cool and silver and shiny! And I really suck with that touch pad thingy! And I still need to figure out how to balance it on my lap while curled up on the couch. But, theoretically, since it is likely to be right there next to me every evening (since I spent most evenings on the couch) I should be blogging much more frequently! Oh you lucky guys you!

So here are some thoughts from the past week.

I had a nasty cold last weekend, super nasty, snotty, buggery, coughy, some fever, achooachoo cold. Felt most terrible for at least four days. Of course, three of those four days Amazing Daddy was out of town. SH travels out of town maybe twice a year, and usually at my urging, since it is to do some private consulting or advising and generally means a little extra chunk of change for us. So yeah, it all sounded great two months ago when he was invited on this little shindig.

Didn't sound nearly as great when it came time for him to leave and I was on the couch with a 101F on what was so far the nicest day of the year. I convinced The Boy that it would be great fun to have a pajama day and watch TV and movies all day. And for the most part it was, until he wanted to go outside and I said I couldn't, and he cried, because he was ready for me not to be sick anymore. And, that time where I fell asleep on the couch and didn't realize he was upstairs raiding the top of my husbands dresser for gum, tootsie rolls and spare change. Thankfully the phone rang and woke me up, and then I realized I had no idea where my son was.


Tuesday my mom called me. I still felt like crap mind you. I had finally told my sister in law that I was pregnant. She has three boys 11, 8 and 5. So my mom told me that she and Kari had been talking and they wondered if I knew how hard this was going to be. It seems to be a running theme with my mother. Oh, you are going to be so tired, how are you going to do this. Are you sure you want to do this with all TB's problems. How are you going to manage. Does AD really want this, he is almost 50 you know. blahhhh, blahhh, blahhh. No matter how much I tell her that I don't want her negative thoughts, she continues.

So on Tuesday I asked her how she thought hearing that was helpful to me. Oh she says, we are just sympathizing. But, I said, it hasn't happened yet, so how is it helping? And then I may have pushed things a little by saying that, well, maybe I should just get rid of the baby now, cause shit, it will be hard and I will be tired, but really, so what if we spent $40,000 getting here, why don't I just go abort the baby right now, cause shit, I'll be tired. WTF!!!!!! So she said that maybe I should go get some sleep, and I haven't heard from her since.


American Idol hell! Oh yeah, I watched, and cried. And fucking donated $100. Hi honey, yeah, forgot to mention, I donated to AI gives back! Yup, $100. I know.....


So it's a little strange being a first time pregnant mom, who already has a child. I'm not a first time mom, but yet I've never experienced pregnancy or birth before either. Where exactly do I fit in?

Do I get a baby shower? I did have a post adoption shower for The Boy that my family did for us. It was very, very nice and they were very generous. My husbands work did a shower for him before we went to get TB and they were extremely generous. My work threw a small party with a cake and pizza for lunch one day and gave us some gifts. All quite nice! Very nice, and I am in no way complaining. I feel quite honored that anyone at all thought of us. Amazing Daddy's family did nothing, but then in the Jewish tradition you don't give baby showers before the baby comes.

So what about with this baby? I never had a true baby shower, as in here I am pregnant as house, guess how big the stomach is, silly shower games and ribbon hats etc. kind of shower. So now I'm pregnant with my first baby, but really, it's not my first baby. And I know many believe you don't get a shower after baby number one. So is it OK to still want a shower? Cause really, I still need all the newborn stuff that we didn't need for TB. How selfish am I being?


And some more whining about being pregnant for the first time, but not really. This should be a time where AD and I are just all in to my pregnant body and whats going on in there, treating me like a queen, etc.. Everyone asks if he is going out at 2am to get me ice cream. Yeah right, the poor guy is so busy taking care of TB while I sleep on the couch every evening, that there is no way he's waking up for anything at 2am. AD is being so awesome and supportive, and taking care of TB is no easy feat some days. I'm just sad for both of us that we aren't able to revel in this pregnancy the way we have wanted to for almost eight years.


Ok, whining is over. Next post more positive I promise.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Graduation day

Oh boy, it appears the RE and I are parting ways. I think I'm having an anxiety attack.

Another gorgeous ultrasound this morning. Lots of baby movement. That kid was all over the place! just kind of hit me. I'm pregnant, as in really, really pregnant! Wow!

*breath, breath*

So, no more PIO shots. And no blood work to even confirm that when I stop its ok.

*breath, breath*

And only one more week of estrogen patches.

*breath, breath*

I don't think I'm ready. How can they just shove me away like this? Don't they know I have abandonment issues?

Ohboy, I'm not sure I'm ready for this.

Out of the mouths of babes...continued

Before I forget, I really need to write down the latest words of wisdom from The Boy.

Mommy: TB, it is not OK to yell out the window in the morning when you wake up. No one else is up and you are very loud. If you yell out the window tomorrow morning I will come in and close and lock the window and you will not have it open any more. Now, I want you to tell me what I just said.

The Boy: Mommy, no one likes a parrot!

(Of course I busted up laughing. Turns out he's a bit of a repeater at preschool.)

At the zoo recently:

The Boy: wow daddy, that gorilla has a butt just like mine, except it's bigger!

(thankfully he didn't say it was just like mommy's)


Last night:

TB: come on daddy, lets go hang in my room.


When telling TB that he was going to be a big brother and there is a baby in mommy's belly.

TB: (laughing) nuh uh...that's just silly Mommy.


And to balance things out, something from our six year old neighbor:

Michael: TB go get the (air quote) ball (air quote).

Seriously, the boy used air quotes when he said ball. And he was really telling TB to go get the ball. And it wasn't just two finger air quotes, it was four finger air quotes. Very reminiscent of Joey on friends.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

10 weeks, 2 days

Ok, I'm starting to feel a little more comfortable that this baby may stick around. Ultrasound today was so cool. Lots of moving around and waving of arms and kicking of legs. Baby is head down here.

Amazing Daddy has pretty much told everyone, or at least his mother has. There's telephone and then there's teleBea. Not that I blame her, she's pretty excited and definitely never expected this.

I'm still making my parents wait to tell anyone. Sometimes it is fun to just impose torture on them for no good reason. I did tell my sister-in-law which should relieve some of the anxiety for my mother to tell now that she has at least one person to talk to about it.

It's funny, my mom keeps asking me if I have a feeling about whether it is a boy or a girl. I really don't. I admit I'd like a girl for all the obvious girly reasons, but I truly don't have any sense of what it actually is. Should I?

Next US next Thursday (April 26). I think he was about to let me go today, but I begged for at least one more and he agreed.

I have my first OB appointment tomorrow. I guess it is with the nurse to get all the paperwork set up and lab work slips done. Appointment with the actual doctor is in another two weeks.

I'm still exhausted, and occasionally feel slightly icky stomach, but mostly pretty good.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

8 weeks, 2 days

All is well. I've just been so busy being tired. Incredibly tired. Not wanting to leave the couch kind of tired. With a tiny bit of nausea thrown in for good measure.

Ultrasound this morning showed a good sized embryo at eight weeks five days. Still hard to see, but the white blog toward the middle of the black space is the head. The torso to the left of that, with the thin white bit being the umbilical cord. The heart beat was steady at 166 beats a minute.

Today I feel pretty good. I think I always feel better the day of the ultrasound. I get gradually more uptight leading up to each one. So much fear that I will go in and the heart won't be beating or the growth will have stopped. Amazing Daddy just doesn't understand why I do this.

Of course, he also doesn't understand why I called him at work this morning asking him where The Boy's fucking shoes were, and why I think it's his responsibility to make sure I can find them in the morning. Then he made some comment about how tired he was, to which I responded "you're tired? You're tired? You think YOU are tired?" He may be a little scared to come home tonight.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

We have a heart beat!

After all that anxiety, and some slow wanding by Dr. C., we saw a heart beat. A huge relief.

Amazing Daddy can't understand my pessimism about this. In a way I'm glad. It's good there aren't two worry wort's in this family.

Next US in a week.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Six weeks, two days

Ultrasound tomorrow morning.

I'm terrified. I have this overwhelming fear that there will be no heartbeat, meaning the pregnancy is over.

I don't know why I feel this way, other than I don't feel pregnant at all. Of course everyone tells me that's normal at six weeks. Yet, it still frightens me that I have no nausea, no overwhelming exhaustion, no insatiable hunger. All I have is major moodiness, and I mean major. I just hope my fear has more to do with hormones than something substantial.

I've wavered since last Friday (yes, one day after my last US) about calling to be able to come in early for at least an HCG level.

Will I be this paranoid and insane for the entire pregnancy (provided there is one after tomorrow)?

Friday, March 16, 2007

Telling and not telling

I've told a few people at work, mainly my boss, and three of my co-workers. Two of those co-workers have been involved and supportive of my efforts to conceive and both have had difficulties of their own, either getting pregnant or during their pregnancy. The other co-worker is the guy that is in the cube next to me (so he hears all my one conversations) and basically, he's just about the nicest guy I know. And I trust him. And, being the only guy in a group of women he hears far more than I'm sure he wants to know.

Just a little background on the company I work for. We have about 25 employees right now. I work for a smaller division of the larger organization that is made up of six employees (including me).

I have not told one of the women that is in my work group. This is for several reasons. 1) she's been rather nasty to me several times since last summer (it's a long story and I don't have time to go in to it right now, but basically her people skills suck). 2) We haven't spoken about anything personal in almost a year. 3) She's never had a single problem getting pregnant or during her pregnancies. 4) I don't trust her with something so emotional to me, especially if something goes wrong with this pregnancy.

So this morning, my boss came up to me and said she was thinking and that she thinks I need to tell her. That it's not fair that everyone else knows (meaning the four that I have told). She thinks this would be a good will gesture on my part and I should take the first step. I told her that I don't necessarily feel like being the better person with this. She isn't involved in my personal life and I don't feel like including her now. I will tell her when I'm ready to tell the rest of the office. Probably in two more weeks if things go well. I trust the people that I have already told, I don't trust her.

What do you guys think?

Thursday, March 15, 2007


Sigh of relief.

It looks like it's just one little yolk sac in my uterus. One nice looking singleton Dr. C. says.

Beta = 4880

Next U/S in a week.

Yeah, I can't see anything either. Do you think they are yanking my chain?

I'm pretty sure Amazing Daddy started to tear up when he heard all was good and it was only one. I'm not sure if it was tears of relief that it's not twins, or tears of acceptance that yes, it looks like we might have a baby!

Friday, March 09, 2007

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

day 11 2ww

It shouldn't be surprising to anyone that knows me that I felt compelled to go out and get another HPT because I started to second guess the test from last night.

So I bought a store brand test for six bucks and tried it again tonight. No doubts that it is positive. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the thought that I am really pregnant. As much as I have wanted this I don't think I ever truly believed it would happen. I never thought I would be able to say the phrase "I'm pregnant." Every time I think it I feel like such a fraud.

But, as for now, I do believe that I'm pregnant. I guess when I get the beta on Friday I'll feel slightly more comfortable with it all. I keep telling myself that we have weeks to go before we should start to feel confident. Never having been pregnant before I have no idea how my body might handle it. I think Amazing Daddy will feel much better when we have an US and find out it is not multiples.

Health wise I feel great. My only complaint is my ass is starting to hurt from the PIO injections and my boobs are killing me. Every time I cuddle up with The Boy I wish I had a a suit of armor around me to help dodge his sharp little elbows. Oh yeah, one other thing, I suddenly can't stand the taste of diet coke. yesterday morning I tried cans from five different cases thinking I had a bad batch. Finally I asked one of my co-workers to try one and she said it tasted fine. Guess that's one way to stop a nasty habit.

It's all I can do to keep from telling every one I know we're pregnant, but AD has asked me to have some control. I know he's right, so I'm trying. I did tell my mom though. She was of course happy but then made several comments about how worried she was for me that with TB this is all going to be too hard and I have no idea what I'm getting myself in to. She also can't understand why AD would want to have a baby when he's about to turn 50. I got several warning not to tell anyone for a couple months. And also not to tell anyone that we used donor embryos. Thanks Mom, glad I could count on you for some excitement and support.

Of course this is the same Mom who had to have a long serious talk with me after our visit home at Christmas to make sure I understood that she would never really be able to come out and help us, especially if I was on bed rest, because she could never leave my father home with out her and he'd never be able to stay here for more than a couple days because he's such a damn busy retired man in real life. Or something like that. She just loves him too much to be away from him and she'd worry all the time that something would happen to him while they were apart. Sweet huh? Yeah, I know it is and I'm really happy they have each other and love each other so much. I'm coming to accept she's not the typical mom/grandmother. Of course what she seems to have forgotten is that no matter how desperate I was I don't think i could handle having her around for an extended period of time.

Monday, March 05, 2007

day 10 of 2ww - UPDATE

Holy shit!!!

Day 10 of 2ww

Oh my god I am going crazy. All I want to do is POAS (that's Pee on a Stick). I did succumb yesterday (at day 9). A faint line appeared, but well after the first ten minutes. Everything I read (and I spent hours on Google yesterday and today trying to find something to refute it) says it is an evaporation line. When I looked at it this evening it was completely gone.

I'm like a junky, all nervous stomach, just thinking about it. I was going to wait until tomorrow but I'm with TB all day, and we have appointments and errands in the AM, so if I do it in the morning I'll just be upset.

I really think I have to pee NOW!

I guess I could do it now and buy some more tomorrow if I need to.

I was really going to handle this so much better than the last two. Yeah, right.

I think because I'm more hopeful because of the quality of the embryos the anticipation is greater.

I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it if its a BFN.


Tuesday, February 27, 2007

day 4 of 2ww

I felt slightly light headed most of the day yesterday. I felt like that around this time during our first cycle. Today I had definite cramping in my lower abdomen. Implantation cramping? I sure hope so. I was pretty excited feeling it. No spotting unfortunately. That would make me a little more confident that this wasn't the result of wishful thinking.

Still feeling optimistic here and hoping it doesn't come back and bite me in the ass.

I realized yesterday that my parents will be visiting us the weekend that we find out. I had been trying to get them to come that Thursday night so I could spend my day off with them on Friday, but now I'm glad they aren't since the pregnancy test is that day. Not that I won't pee on a stick before then. Shit, I asked Amazing Daddy if I could do an HPT today.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Super Nanny disappointment

I'm watching Super Nanny right now and I can really relate to the mother with the child with ADHD. I understand her pain. I'm incredibly lucky that I don't have the problems with Amzing Daddy that she does with her husband. AD really is an equal partner (if not more) in caring for The Boy. In fact lately I think he handles The Boy much better than I do.

Anyway, back to Super Nanny, I'm hoping she will give some serious tips about how to handle the aggression that the boy on the show has. The bit they showed where the son was hitting and kicking her when he was angry could be TB. That woman could be me. Well, other than she's pregnant, blond, thin and beautiful. She so wants to do the right thing for her son, just like we do.

We are trying TB on medication. We have put a lot of thought into doing this and feel we need to give it a try. We started Adderal XR 5 mg on Saturday. Since AD was totally in charge this weekend while I was in bed I won't really have a chance to see what it is doing until tomorrow. At school today they said he was very emotional and defiant with his teachers. Over the weekend I thought he was more emotional as well. He's not sleeping that well, although that isn't that unusual.

I think it is important that we give this try at least a week. We see the developmental pediatrician at CHOP in two weeks.

Hmmm...five minutes left and still no earth shattering tips to deal with the aggression.

Oh wow, is that little girl adorable!

Sunday, February 25, 2007


I'm surprisingly optimistic about this cycle. Part of me actually believes it might work this time. Of course knowing we aren't using our own genetic embryos (which I truly believe suck) makes it different enough for me to think the outcome could be different.

Our last cycle (IVF#2) felt like a failure from the time of the egg retrieval. I was in no way surprised to find out it was a big fat failure.

I was of course hopeful with our first cycle. Supposedly we were bypassing all our "problems" and we transferred four decent embryos (although not as beautiful as the ones this time). I even had a few days, close to a week I think, where I felt like it might be happening. I know my body was telling me something was different. I think those little embies tried to burrow in and grow, but they just didn't have the strength.

What keeps me somewhat grounded and fearful of any optimism is that we have no way of knowing if it was truly the embryos or it was my uterus that failed. If it was indeed my uterus I guess I'm doomed for failure again.

A big part of me just doesn't believe anything will ever work. I'm unable to envision myself pregnant. It doesn't mean I don't want it with all my heart. I'm just unable to envision it. I've become so wrapped up in the process of IF treatment that I sometimes forget there is an endpoint, an ultimate goal.
Really guys, it's not all about multiple blood draws and the joy of spreading your legs to rooms full of people. And paying to do it no less.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Day 1 of 2ww

Transfer went very well yesterday. We had to meet our acupuncturist there at 6:45am with transfer scheduled at 7:30am.Amazing Daddy dropped me off at 6:30am and took The Boy to preschool then came back

Being the third time I knew what to expect and had the routine down. Acupuncture was relaxing and I dozed during it. Dr. C arrived right at 7:30 and told me we had three excellent embryos. They had thawed five and three survived and divided beautifully. Basically I was told they were as good as they get. They looked textbook to me, beautiful symmetry with no fragmentation.

I knew enough to release a little pee before I went in (such control I have being able to go to the bathroom without letting it all out). the transfer went very smoothly, with very little discomfort at all. The only disappointment was that AD didn't get there until about three minutes after the actual transfer. He did get to hold me hand while I relaxed on the table before I was able to get up.

We were home and I was in bed by 9:10am. I've been there since. I feel good about things in so far as I know the embryos looked great and I know the donors were successful with them. The unknown now is if my body will let them (1 or 2 preferably) implant and grow.

Blood levels Friday and then pregnancy test the next Friday. I imagine I'll do an HPT before that. Nothing now to give me a false positive.

Fingers crossed!

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

While I'm here I might as well give an update on the FET

My estrogen finally went up after a few days of Estrace tablets shoved up my vahjayjay as Oprah calls it (not sure how she spells it though), or my hotpocket as my IVF nurse called it. So we are a go for transfer on Friday.

Today I started my Medrol dose pack and the PIO shots. I still have on four estrogen patches but have stopped the vaginal Estrace.

Apparently the embryos were frozen on day one, so technically at zygote stage. They will be transferred at what is considered day three. I'll return for blood work next Friday and then the pregnancy test in two weeks. We are hoping to thaw five and transfer the best two or three. This would give us five left if we need to try again.

The other couple that used some of these embryos in December apparently got pregnant.

Overreaction to the nuclear level?

I know I am completely over reacting to this. I'm allowing that dad to control me in a way. It's so ridiculous and part of me can look at it so rationally, but a bigger part of me is still very upset. Like beyond normal upset and bordering on anxiety upset. It's so ridiculous.

I suppose I can blame some of it on the raging hormones going on in my body. But a lot of it is just me. I hate confrontation. I'm not quick with a response to things like that, then I can't let it go after it's gone. This is the kind of thing that five years from now I will remember and it will still upset me. I let it run over and over in my head; replaying the scene with all the different things I could have/should have said.

For example, should I have responded with something like "gosh, it must be so nice to know your kid has never hit anyone, what have you done to raise such a great little boy" in my sincerest voice? Would he have picked up on the irony? Or is it possible that there are kids out there that have never in their lives hit another child?

Or perhaps when he told me I should do something about my kid I could have sat down at his table and agreed and asked him to please tell me what to do, that I'm desperate to know what to do, and since he's an expert I would appreciate whatever wisdom he could spare me.

Or maybe, I could have told him that his kids lispy little baby speech patterns were drilling a hole through my ear and in to my brain so I was forced to tell my son to whop him one. And wow, my son minds me so well. I must be doing a great job with him.

I think the irony of this is that The Boy was really having a great day. He knew I was upset on our drive home and he asked me what was wrong. I told him that when he hit the other little boy that the boys daddy was upset and yelled at me, and it made me feel bad to know that he hurt someone. So when TB got in the house he sat right down in his time out spot and told me he was taking his time out for hitting.