Monday, November 09, 2009

My husband is a butt wipe...I mean wiper...a butt wiper.

At three months shy of 7 years old  holy crap how did that happen! I refuse to do Noah's paperwork in the bathroom for him anymore.

You may think I'm being a bit of a hard ass on this, but damn it, the boy didn't poop on the potty consistently until he was six. I think I gave him a pretty long rope on this one.  And with the encopresis I'm still washing poop out of his underwear occasionally, so cut me some slack.

One of the big reasons I refuse to do his paperwork anymore? The kid has the stinkiest shit* I have EVER encountered. OMFG but it is foul! I have actually had to leave the bathroom so I wouldn't puke in front of him. 

Considering he can clear a room for a good ten minutes with his farts I guess the intensity of his poop smell is no surprise.

Now Rich, as everyone who knows us for realz can attest, is a much nicer person than I am, much nicer. His daddyness beats my mommyness hands down. The only reason I somewhat consistently win with Kiel is that I have the boobs, although that talent has seriously waned over the last couple months and I may have to start pulling out the big guns candy.


So Rich, being the nice pushover daddy that he is, will still wipe Noah's butt for him.

And Noah's no dummy, so guess who he calls for when he's not feeling the motivation to tend to his own personal needs? Well it sure isn't me! 

I've even been known to pass on the message to Rich if he doesn't hear the pleas for help. Because not only does Noah know that unless you are under four or it is my own ass, I will not be wiping it, Rich knows this too.

So with all of that as background, here is the conversation Rich and I had tonight:

Me:  You know, Noah almost never asks me to wipe his butt when you aren't home, and when he does, I say "no, you can do it," and he says "OK, mommy," and he does

Rich:  I guess I'm just nicer than you are.

Me:  Well, duh, we already knew that!

Rich: *feeling superior*

Me: But you know what that makes you don't you?

Rich: *cautiously, because he too is no dummy* umm, no, what?

Me:  A butt wiper! heh heh

Rich: *eye roll*

Me: heh heh...butt wiper

*random fact - "my shit stinks" is consistently one of the top five search terms that lead people to this blog. I've now given them another reason to stay.




  2. Bwa ha ha! I guess "my shit stinks" is up there with "gorilla porn" (one of the top five search terms for one of my blogs!)