Monday, June 30, 2008

More serious stuff

Saturday night we scored a baby sitter and went out with some friends for dinner. We had a great time. I drank and ate excessively in moderation and promised to embarrass Amazing Daddy at least twice behave like a grown up.

Anyway...this post isn't about my drunkenness exemplary behavior. Instead, it's some more of my thoughts on The Boy.


I commented to AD after we left that it was interesting to me that The Boy doesn't get upset when we leave him with a baby sitter now that Baby Brother is there too. It used to be hell for us to leave him, as he would get very upset. In one sense it was a relief for us that he did get upset as it was a good sign of attachment. But now, he's all "yeah, whatever, see ya later dudes."

My thought was that now that BB is there he's acting like the big brother and being brave.

AD's thought was that he's not worried that we won't come home because he knows we would never leave BB.

I thought my heart was going to break when he said that.

TB has so much anxiety. So many things that worry him, although he is not really able to verbalize what is going on in his head.* I really wonder if that is what he is thinking. That we love BB so much we would never leave him, which in turn means we will come home. So because of that he is safe.

So now I wonder what I have done that might have him thinking that way? That maybe I love BB more than I love him.

I know that after BB was born I pulled back from TB. The postpartum depression was rough, and all I seemed capable of doing was taking care of BB. I had nothing left for AD or TB for the first two months. I remember how my anxiety would peak every day about 4:45pm, just before AD and TB would come home.

I had absolutely no patience for TB then. And, I cried all the time, which really upset him. No matter what he was doing he would stop and promise to be a good boy. It killed me then to hear him say that, even though I assured him over and over I wasn't crying because of anything he did.

BB is so easy to love. He's just an easy baby. He is sweet, and cuddly and easy going and funny. TB can be sweet and cuddly and funny too. But he is definitely not easy going. He is not easy to be with. I love him so much, but it is not always easy.

Now I worry that he knows that. That he worries that we might leave him. I don't ever want him to worry that we won't be there for him. No matter how frustrated I get he is my son and I love him. I don't love BB any more, or TB any less.

How do I fix this?

*I think he comes by that naturally as AD is the same way.


  1. When we were going through our rough period with Boxer, the school tried to use time with me as his "currency". I'm sure that was part of it, so we started making sure I had 20-30 minutes with him a night with just me & him(Brief gave Bloomer her bath), so maybe some 1:1 time for you guys?

    I don't know that there is an easy fix (or duh! you would have found it by now), but I went through PPD with both kids, but was medicated much sooner after the second pregnancy. If you are feeling better (in that respect, anyway), TB should be picking up on that. It could be that TB is just growing up and maturing, or it could be a mix of a lot of stuff.

    Truth is, he's just not un-ego-centric enough to get that he wasn't the reason you were crying or upset, no matter how much you told him that was the case.

  2. I feel similarly about my Ben, and I don't know how to fix it.

    Maybe you can try to do some separate stuff with the Big One? Stuff he can do and will enjoy? I'm thinking bowling.

    I wish I had anything better to tell you. I do understand just how you feel.

  3. I know you know this, but TB has loss and abandonment issues that have nothing to do with you and go back to before you became his mom. Its not your fault. I admire you for trying to fix it and I agree that maybe some one-on-one time with him might help, but just know that whatever his abandonment issues are, they are not your fault. FWIW, I didn't have PPD (I was exhausted but not full blown PPD) and I still pulled away from my oldest in order to deal with the babies. Its a hard transition to go from one kid to two or three, and if they are older, they are more aware of the change, and that makes the mommy guilt more palpable (to me at least.)

  4. I just came across your blog and I love it so far!
    I have no advice really on this issue as I am not in your situation, but I want to say that I think you are an amazing person to take all of this on. I can't imagine. I have a hard time with having two stepchildren part time.

  5. Oh I so get it. I just so totally get it. But with me it's a little in reverse. My big girl is so easy to love and my twins are sucking the life out of me. I worry that my big girl will feel shorted and blame the babies. And I'm worried that I do too.