More serious stuff

Saturday night we scored a baby sitter and went out with some friends for dinner. We had a great time. I drank and ate excessively in moderation and promised to embarrass Amazing Daddy at least twice behave like a grown up.

Anyway...this post isn't about my drunkenness exemplary behavior. Instead, it's some more of my thoughts on The Boy.

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I commented to AD after we left that it was interesting to me that The Boy doesn't get upset when we leave him with a baby sitter now that Baby Brother is there too. It used to be hell for us to leave him, as he would get very upset. In one sense it was a relief for us that he did get upset as it was a good sign of attachment. But now, he's all "yeah, whatever, see ya later dudes."

My thought was that now that BB is there he's acting like the big brother and being brave.

AD's thought was that he's not worried that we won't come home because he knows we would never leave BB.

I thought my heart was going to break when he said that.

TB has so much anxiety. So many things that worry him, although he is not really able to verbalize what is going on in his head.* I really wonder if that is what he is thinking. That we love BB so much we would never leave him, which in turn means we will come home. So because of that he is safe.

So now I wonder what I have done that might have him thinking that way? That maybe I love BB more than I love him.

I know that after BB was born I pulled back from TB. The postpartum depression was rough, and all I seemed capable of doing was taking care of BB. I had nothing left for AD or TB for the first two months. I remember how my anxiety would peak every day about 4:45pm, just before AD and TB would come home.

I had absolutely no patience for TB then. And, I cried all the time, which really upset him. No matter what he was doing he would stop and promise to be a good boy. It killed me then to hear him say that, even though I assured him over and over I wasn't crying because of anything he did.

BB is so easy to love. He's just an easy baby. He is sweet, and cuddly and easy going and funny. TB can be sweet and cuddly and funny too. But he is definitely not easy going. He is not easy to be with. I love him so much, but it is not always easy.

Now I worry that he knows that. That he worries that we might leave him. I don't ever want him to worry that we won't be there for him. No matter how frustrated I get he is my son and I love him. I don't love BB any more, or TB any less.

How do I fix this?



*I think he comes by that naturally as AD is the same way.

Movie Monday - You say Lara

The Boy has had the same teacher for two years, her name is Lara. I have never been able to pronounce it correctly. I'm not even sure I can hear that am not saying it correctly. Apparently I do not say Erin correctly either. *sigh*

This was our dinner conversation one night last week.

Ahhh..my little linguist.

my mother

My relationship with my mother is complicated. Actually, my relationship with my parents is complicated. It is more obvious however with my mother because she is the one I communicate with more. My Dad is more of the strong, silent type. Not often affectionate. Very much that stereotypical father figure from the 70's.

Right now my mom and I are only communicating via email other than the obligatory phone calls home for holidays, birthdays, etc. Her emails consist of two or three sentences about once a week. My responses are less often, but tend to be much longer and more narrative of what is going on with the boys. About once a month I send a DVD to them with videos and pictures on it of the boys.

As I said in an earlier post my parents seemed like they couldn't get out of here fast enough the last time they visited. I wrote about the incident at the Franklin Institute and how they reacted to it.

Several weeks ago I was talking with my mother on the phone about how difficult TB has been lately and how if we just got a break now and then it would make such a difference. Her response - "That's what being a parent is. You wanted kids." Huh, very helpful right? Like I don't know that.

That response should not have been a surprise to me. It's typical of our interactions with each other. I will feel like we are having a good conversation, so I'll open up a bit more, share my feelings with her, thinking she understands, and then get put in my place like that. What I'm really looking for is just some acknowledgement from her that she understands that sometimes it's hard. That sometimes I just need to vent and be listened to.

So, after that last time I decided that I was going to hang back for a bit. Thus the emails. But even that tends to bite me in the ass. A couple weeks ago I said something about how sad I felt that they didn't seem to want to see TB anymore, and how hurt I was that they left so quickly last time (in the middle of a snow storm mind you). She responded to the other things in the email, but has said not one word about that.

My mother did not have a good relationship with her own mother. I've written about my grandmother before and what a great relationship she and I had. I never really could understand why my mother seemed to resent her so much, her own mother! I swore I was going to break that cycle and not allow it to happen with my own mother, but in so many ways I feel like she isn't giving me a choice. Why do we let our parents have so much control over us?

What do they say the definition of insanity is? Doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different outcome?

Yeah, see why I need therapy?

**Black Hockey Jesus at The Wind in Your Vagina, wrote a post about his father a few days ago. In it he also referenced the definition of insanity. At the time he posted his I had this sitting in my drafts, not sure if I was ready to post it or not. If you aren't reading this guy you should be. He is hysterically funny and sometimes borders on the insane. Plus he needs some more followers on Twitter it appears.

Show and Tell

A year or so after I bought my first house I started looking for a piano. I always had a piano around growing up and started taking lessons from my grandmother when I was six year old. In my mind, a home wasn't complete without a piano.

Being a first time home owner, and just a year out of pharmacy school, I really couldn't afford much. So, I started checking out the want ads in the local paper. I found someone selling an old piano for $75. I called and went to check it out. It wasn't in great shape, but it had a nice sound and I felt it could be tuned up and cleaned up. It cost $200 to have it moved to my house.

When Amazing Daddy and I got engaged and I moved to Philadelphia to be with him the piano went in to storage until we bought our house. I was so happy when the moving trucks arrived with it (and all my other stuff too, it had been 16 months since it all went in storage). I was fortunate to have a little extra money at that time, and was able to get it tuned and restored a bit. In the process I found out a little more about it.

It turned out it is a Cable-Nelson piano. It was likely built in South Haven, MI in the early-ish 1900's. It's serial number is 104485 if I'm reading the faded handwriting correctly.

I don't have much time to play these days, and its been years since I took lessons, but I still feel like a home, my home anyway, isn't complete without a piano.

Sometimes I get the urge and I sit down and just play. Usually, when no one is around to hear, because I'm so out of practice. It makes me happy and it reminds me of my grandmother.

Blogoversary contest!!!!

Mel at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters came up with the idea of a secondary blogging name for her second blogoversary. You can read her post about it here. Go ahead, check it out then come on back and lend me some creative juices.

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On August 10, 2008 my blog will be three years old. Granted I just became "Mommy Needs Therapy" a couple weeks ago, but this blog still contains the original content.

So, in honor of my upcoming blogoversary, I too would like to come up with a secondary blogging name. And I would like your help! So, as some incentive I'm offering a $25 gift card to Target, Starbucks, or another store of your choice, to the person that comes up with a name that resonates with me the most. If more than one name resonates with me I'll put them up for a vote on here. Now I know I don't have a huge readership here, so if you have friends that might be interested in helping with this, please send them this way.

I think it should incorporate my former blog name in some way. So keep in mind sparkly and katt. It doesn't have to use either of those exactly, but at least keep the essence of them.

I'm so excited to see what you great people come up with!

Wordless Wednesday

Where the Hell is Matt? (2008) from Matthew Harding on Vimeo.


Found this on MetroDad's blog. I think it speaks for itself.

Tackle it Tuesday

My first Tackle it Tuesday! Whoohooo

There are certainly several things around my house that need tackling. You have no idea! So for my first one I thought I'd tackle something kind of fun, but has also been sitting around for a while. Framing pictures of the kids etc. that we had taken a couple months ago.

So here are the bags of frames and the envelope of pictures.

And then I hit my first obstacle. First frame I start to work on I manage to break the glass. Ughh...

I have three of these prints that I am going to put in Baby Brothers room. Need to go get more glass for the third one.

And then some from the first set of pictures we had taken with Baby Brother. These will go in his room too.

And then this collage of pictures of the boys. Not sure yet where I'll be hanging this one.

And some family pictures. Some of these will go in to hang in my new office I think.

And for some reason this picture will not load so it shows horizontally. These will be going in to work with Awesome Daddy and myself.

Now maybe for next weeks tackle it Tuesday I'll get them damn things up on the wall.

Movie Monday

Since I'm having so much fun playing with the videos I've taken recently, I thought I'd start something new on my blog - Movie Monday! Of course, there is always the chance this will be the only Monday this happens, but I might surprise ya'all.

I promise to do shorter ones next time! I realize not everyone likes watching my boys as much as I do. ;)

I blame it on myself

A couple weeks ago Amazing Daddy told me he was on one of his tech sites and there was a thread about Sears advertising a 50 inch plasma HDTV for $1299, which was well under cost. Apparently it was a misprint and Sears retracted the ad. However, people were taking the ad to other stores and getting them to price match.

So, AD asked me if he could try. I thought for a few seconds and figured that there was no way he would get a store to match that price. So I told him sure, go for it. Figured it would make me look good in his eyes, he'd have fun, and be out of my hair for a couple hours. Win-win for all involved. And no damage to our bank account.


Well, I'm sure you know where this is going. He came home with that damn TV. So, now we have a 50 inch TV in both the entertainment room in the basement (his hangout) and in the family room (my hangout). And the better TV is of course the new one, which is in the family room. So guess where AD is hanging out now? Yup, in the family room, with me. Taking charge of the remote, flipping from sports game to shoot 'em up movie to discovery channel show.

I have to say, we really can't afford this TV, no matter what a great deal it was.


Oh sure, I get the irony. I used to complain that we didn't spend time together in the evening because he wanted to watch TV on the big TV in the basement, where as I prefer the family room, with the comfy couch and side table that's just perfect for my laptop and the breast pump. Now he's spending time in the same room with me and its driving me f'ing nuts! Too MUCH togetherness!

Can you believe I'm complaining that we have two big TV's? How spoiled am I?

And the other thing? The old TV is still sitting in the middle of the family room since he isn't sure yet what he wants to do with it. It's very heavy so there is no way I can move it myself.

See why I need therapy?

Show and Tell

For the last several years when ever a friend or coworker has a baby I've crocheted a blanket for them. It's slowed down a bit over the last year between Baby Brother and the pesky tendinitis in my wrists that just won't quite go away. In fact I have yet to start one for my best friends little boy, who was born over a month ago. Maybe by Christmas...

Anyway, here is one I just finished for TB's teacher. She had a little girl in April. I also got her the most adorable little pink dress. Hopefully it will still fit considering how long it has taken me to finish the blanket.

a little closer

detail

Serious post here

I love The Boy. I love him like any mother would. I love him because he is a part of me. I love him because he can be sweet and cute and funny and loving himself. I love him because he needs love, like every child needs love. I love him because he is mine.

That being said, I find myself resenting him at times. I resent what his "problems" and his behavior, have done to our lives. I feel like he is sucking the life out of my marriage and it scares me.

Rarely do AD and I have a chance to let down our guard with TB. Often we feel like we are walking around on eggshells. One wrong move, one wrong word, and more likely than not TB will blow. Zero to sixty in two seconds. Screaming, stomping, throwing, growling. And then, just as quickly, it can be over. But never a guess as to how long it will last.

I understand now why so often you hear of marriages of parents with special needs kids breaking up. It's not that the love is lost, its that there is no time for it. The couples intimacy gets pushed further down on the hierarchy of what is important, what they have time for. It is exhausting and if you do not have a good support system for your family it takes a tremendous toll.

Unfortunately for us we do not have much of a support system. My family is a 12 hour drive away. They visit a couple times a year and in the past have stayed with The Boy for a few days once a year so AD and I can go away. But, their last visit here did not go well with TB and we really felt like they could not get away fast enough. I doubt that they will be willing to take on The Boy and Baby Brother in the future. AD's family is local, but his mom is unable to help and his brother's family never offers. It doesn't help that AD won't tell his family about the issues we are dealing with with The Boy. They know he has "problems" but not to what extent. Granted they never ask, but still, I think that if AD would talk to them they might have more understanding of what we live with every day.

So, our only respite is when we pay for a baby sitter. We are very fortunate that we have a couple great women that sit for us that we trust completely, and TB enjoys being with. But at $15 an hour we can't afford to use them very often. The only break we really get is during the day when TB is at school. I'm lucky that I get two days off during the week and occasionally take BB to daycare one one of those days. That is the only time I'm able to get things done, or just take a break. Even if I keep BB home with me, my day is infinitely more relaxed and enjoyable than the days TB is with us.

I feel like the intimacy in my marriage is lost. So often we are on edge, and it spills over to being on edge with each other. The chaos in our house has my nerves so sensitized that if AD snaps about anything I take it personally. If he complains about how messy the house is I feel like it is a personal attack. AD has never been the kind of person that yells or gets angry easily. That seems to be changing lately. His patience is constantly stretched by TB.

Our house is a mess. It seems to mirror our life in general. I get frustrated that no one is helping me with it, so then I rebel, and stop. Or, both of us are just so tired after dealing with the boys that we never get to it.

We are both constantly exhausted. From being "on" all the time. From getting up during the night with BB to the early morning awakenings (this morning at 5:50am TB was banging on his door to get out). From the constant worry, wondering if we are doing the right things with him, fearing for his future.

The little time we do have together in the evenings is rarely spent together. I spend my evenings on the Internet, which is my stress relief, and AD spends it either on his computer or watching sports on TV. I just want time to myself and so does he.

I've tried to talk to AD about this but he closes up. I even asked him a couple weeks ago if he thought we should go get some couples therapy. His response was a resounding NO. I asked him if he thought everything was OK with us and he said "it could be worse." Right...it could be worse...we could be getting a divorce.

I don't know how to read him any more. He won't open up about his feelings. I never know if he is angry with me or with The Boy, or just tired and withdrawn. I find myself getting angry and resentful with him because he won't open up and I'm left to guess.

I don't doubt our love for each other, but the joy in our marriage seems to have left. It makes me incredibly sad. And scared. And resentful of the impact of TB's behavior on our marriage.

I understand why marriages break up now. I'd be lying if I said I never thought about leaving. Several times in the middle of one of TB's tantrums I've wished I could just take Baby Brother and go somewhere else. That life would be so much easier if it was just us. I WOULD NEVER DO THIS! I need to make that clear, but sometimes the thought is there.

I wonder what people will think as they read this. Especially since this is in part an "infertility blog." I know that many of my readers are dealing with IF, just like I did. I imagine in many ways I sound ungrateful. Do others read this and think that I don't deserve to be a mother? All I know is I'm sitting here writing this trying to be incredibly honest. I know I'm putting myself out there but one of the reasons I moved my blog, to regain my anonymity, was so I could write like this. Hoping that by writing out how I'm feeling I might better understand it.

See why I need therapy?

Beco or Ergo baby carrier?

I need to get a new baby carrier. We used the Baby Bjorn with The Boy when he first came home. I loved carrying him that way, but it wasn't always very comfortable for my neck and back. When he got bigger I used the Hip Hammock (the original one - made by the original creator of it - before Playtex bought it). It was good too. But, that was almost four years ago and I know there have been improvements in carriers since then.

So, my wise readers. What do you guys think? Ergo? Beco? or Babyhawk which I just read about?

I want something Amazing Daddy can use as well, so it definitely needs to be easy on ones back.

Help!!

Baby got beets

My first attempt at editing a video.

And yes, I know I sound like an idiot.

And I think I misspelled something in the credits.

Ahhh....fuck it...after five hours of working on this it's going in my damn blog!

As long as I embedded it correctly.

Wordless Wednesday

Not the best pictures, but I think you can get the idea. I just love those swirls...I think they look like the infinity sign.

My second meme...and this ones a toughy

So Deb at Postcards from the Edge tagged me for this meme. I've seen it around the blogosphere in the last couple weeks and am always impressed at what people come up with.

The meme originated over an idea that was prompted by the book written by Larry Smith & Rachel Fershleiser, Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six Word Memoirs by Writers Famous & Obscure. It’s a compilation based on the story that Hemingway once bet ten dollars that he could sum up his life in six words. His words were, “For Sale: Baby Shoes, Never Worn.”

1. Write your own six word memoir.

2. Post it to your blog including a visual illustration if you would like.

3. Link to the person who tagged you in your post and to this original post http://herebaby.blogspot.com/2008/06/six-word-memior.html if possible so we can track it as it travels across the blogsphere

4. Tag 5 more blogs with links

5. Don’t forget to leave a comment in the tagged blogs with an invitation to play

So, my six words: Surrounded by people, yet often alone.

And that is why I'm getting therapy.

Alrighty then, now to tag five people. I think I'm going to tag some of my new Philly Mom blogger friends. Hope you ladies don't mind. I did look to see if you have done this meme already, and it doesn't look like you have.

Katia at Freeform Katia
Kim from Situationally Single Mom
Mel from Life is like a box of chocolates
Sarah at Genesis Moments

I'm also going to tag Bikini at Pantsfreesia

Mommy bloggers get together

Too often I let my social anxieties hold me back. Last Friday however, I pushed myself to break out of my comfort zone. I went to a Philly mom bloggers get together where I knew no one!

Yeah me! I'm actually quite proud of myself. I went, I talked, and I don't think I embarrassed myself (too much). And....I had fun!! I think I'd like to do it again!

So 20 Philadelphia area bloggers met in the pope room at Buca di Beppo in Exton for an evening of food, talk and some great swag. Prior to going I wondered if other bloggers were like me; shy and socially awkward, but I have to say a definitive NO to that one. It was honestly so loud at times from everyone talking that I could not hear the women next to me.

And what women they are! Smart, beautiful and funny! I enjoyed getting to know several of them, including Katia from Freeform Katia, Whitney from Mommies with style, Jo-Lynn from Musings of a Housewife , Sarah from Genesis Moments and Kim from Situationally Single Mom. And those were just the women seated close enough for me to talk with.

There was some great swag and a few giveaways as well. A big thanks to Graco, newbaby.com, Smart Mom Solutions, Orville Redenbacher, Mom Central and the Handyguys Podcast for all the great STUFF. And an extra big thank you to Graco for picking up the tab for dinner and for the two car seats they gave away.

I was also lucky enough to win two K'nex kits to take home for The Boy that Colleen at Classy Mommy gave away. We had lots of fun putting them together this weekend while Daddy was working.

Thanks to the wonderful ladies who put the evening together and for letting me attend!

Welcome to My New Digs!

Welcome! I'm so happy to see you found your way.

As you can see, I finally packed everything up and manage to move it over here with out breaking anything! Whew...I really hate moving!

As soon as I can I'll be sending out "change of address" cards, but please, don't wait for them to arrive to update whatever you need to update. I still need to buy stamps, and who knows how long that will take!

I'm hoping to have a completely new look in the next few weeks, provided I get my shit together and send my want list to the woman who is going to help me.

I spent several hours reading through old posts and changing every one's name. If you see anywhere that I missed one, please let me know. I'm trying to do all I can to make sure that this blog isn't "googleable" by any of the old blog information.

Again, welcome! I appreciate everyone that has followed me here, especially since it likely required some work on your part.

Show and Tell

Public service announcement for this weeks show and tell.


Nectar of the gods in a bottle...Just saying.

My first meme

Wooohooo....I was just tagged for my very first meme.

Katie from http://the-view-from-the-hill.blogspot.com/ tagged me. I found Katie's blog via NaComLeavMo.


'The rules of the game get posted at the beginning. Each player answers the questions about themselves. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5-6 people and posts their names, then go to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve posted your answer.

'1. What was I doing ten years ago? Ten years ago I was living in Kalamazoo, MI. I owned my own house, had a Bouvier and three cats. I was single and just starting to think about getting back in to the dating world after a painful breakup with the "boy next door." I was somewhat addicted to the Internet at the time and would spend hours chatting online. I was working as a community pharmacist and on my down time was renovating my 90 year old house.

2. What are 5 things on my to-do list for today (not in any particular order):
Go to "mommy group," meet Amazing Daddy for lunch, have meeting at daycare with The Boy's "posse" to discuss his summer transition and how he's doing now, clean the kitchen (again), and work on moving my blog.

3. Snacks I enjoy: fruit, anything sweet, popcorn

4. Things I would do if I were a billionaire: Oh my, where to start! First I would make sure that everyone in my family was comfortable, and that my boys, and my nephews, had college funds set up. I'd send my parents back to England to visit. I'd donate money to a bunch of charities. I'd pay off our bills. I'd buy a house with a yard! Most likely in the country. I'd probably have a couple vacation homes too. And a house keeper! And a part time nanny. And then...I'd probably go a bit crazy and have some fun shopping and travelling! And I'd do every thing I could to convince my husband to do IVF again and try for another baby.

5. Places I've lived: England, Michigan (South Lyon, Fowlerville, Albion, Hersey, Paris, Big Rapids, Kalamazoo) and now Pennsylvania.

6. People I want to know more about: Although I was excited to get tagged for this, I'm super uncomfortable tagging other people. Kind of makes me think of chain letters. So, if you are interested in doing this meme...consider yourself tagged!

Show and Tell

Week two of my Show and Tell! Amazing, I'm following through with something...

Today I thought I'd show the baby/adoption announcement we did for The Boy. I put a lot of thought and time into writing it. I wanted the words to be perfect. I took the picture too, but it has always driven me a little crazy because his right eyebrow is messed up (from food I imagine). When I took it I was not intending on it being for the announcement, but I just loved his smile so much in it.

outside

Inside

closer view of the writing

Now, ask me if I've done an announcement for Baby Brother. Go ahead, ask. 'Cause the answer is nope. And for the life of me I can't figure out why. He was six months old last week and I've done nothing about it. Is there a time frame for sending out birth announcements?

Believe me, it in no way reflects the love I have for him. In fact, its another post entirely comparing my feelings for him and my feelings for The Boy.