Another post where I admit my failings as a mother

Yesterday we were supposed to be at Knoebel's amusement park but we were rained out. This is a yearly trip we take with family friends. They camp out for a few days and we meet up with them for part of the time, but stay at a hotel. We tried the camping bit for a night last year and it was a massive fail. So we are just going to stick to the hotel and hang out with our friends in the evening, use their camp fire and drink their beer. It's really a win-win for everyone! Heh! Unfortunately, this year we met up with them, ate their food, drank their beer, played in their mud puddles, then went back to the hotel and swam in the pool. And then we woke up in the morning to rain that was going to continue all day, so we drove home instead of going to the park.

But wait, that wasn't really what I was going to talk about today, although I guess it's good background.

You see, the thing is, I dread going on these trips. Dread it! And it really has nothing to do with not being a big fan of amusement parks either.

It took three hours to get ready to leave the other morning, and that was with Rich helping (and not the typical "helping" but really, truly helping). And then we still spent the two hour drive going "did you remember....?" "Ummm...nope" "fuck"

But really, its not even the work of getting ready to go that's the problem, the problem is I'm constantly on edge wondering what Noah is going to do. And getting frustrated with his non-stop talking, and impulsive behaviors, and the mess, always the mess! Then you add in staying at a hotel and all of us sleeping in the same room with a kid who is up at the butt-crack of dawn and bouncing off the walls....

Traveling with most kids is difficult I guess; you are taking them out of their normal environment, messing with their schedules, etc. Noah probably isn't any different, just more extreme perhaps? And I know I don't help it when I'm on edge the entire time. But damn, I've been burned enough times over the last couple years with him that I can't let go of the feelings.

I used to enjoy traveling. I've done a fair amount of it, especially when I was younger. As I've gotten older my desire to travel has lessened. I really do prefer to be in my own home, my own bed, etc. That has nothing to do with Noah, that's just me and my homebody inclinations.

So combine the difficulty of travel with kids in general, Noah in particular, with my less than enthusiastic desire to travel and well, it makes that dread of traveling with Noah even more intense. And then I feel like a total shit and crappy mom.

I should want to do these things and create fun memories with my kids, right? Just because I don't like being away from home shouldn't prevent me from doing it, I know. Because as a Mom I'm supposed to forget about what I want and do things for my children, right? Even if it is hard, right? Even if I'm constantly worried about what Noah is going to do next, right?

I know that I need to expose Noah to these experiences. Sheltering him at home because I'm embarrassed when he misbehaves isn't teaching him anything. Focusing on how much work it is to do these things doesn't help me enjoy it either. I see other families taking their kids places, kids with far worse "issues" than Noah, and they seem to handle it all so well.

I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say here, other than I feel very guilty that I hate doing these things with my family! I feel lazy and inadequate because I focus on how much work it is and how my patience is so limited.

Anyone else feel like this?