Monday, March 02, 2009

This may just be the grossest post I've ever written.

Subtitle: Oz, you may not want to read this one.

When I was a senior in high school I had this pair of white pants. I thought I looked so cute in them. I wore them with a pink top or a red top, depending on my mood. They were probably painter style pants, and I bet I pegged the legs. It was the 80's...I was in fashion!

One day I wore them to school, and midway through the day I got my period. Of course I didn't notice until I had bled through my pants. I of course was horrified. I don't think anyone noticed, but clearly I couldn't stay at school that way.

My cousin had driven us to school that day. I got permission from the office to get her out of class so she could take me home and I could change.

But that presented a dilemma. If I went home, then came back to school with different clothes on, wouldn't it be SO OBVIOUS to EVERYONE why I had to change? I mean, oh my gawd, all the boys will KNOW!

So, we came up with a story.

I left my curling iron on, and just remembered, so I had to go home to turn it off. And while there, I decided to throw a couple logs in the wood stove. But I got soot on my pants while doing it, so I had to change them. Clever huh?

I remember all that so well. What I don't remember is if anyone actually asked me, or even noticed, why I had changed my pants.

Now, fast forward 23 years. Shut up, yes, I'm old damn it.

As I said a couple weeks ago Aunt Flo decided to make a visit after a two year pregnancy/breastfeeding induced hiatus. I was mistaken though. It wasn't Aunt Flo last month, it was her second cousin Spotsabit. I didn't realize it until this month though when that mean mother fucker Aunt Flo really did come to visit. And when I saw come to visit I mean she set up camp in my uterus and decided to redecorate. At least I think that is what she was doing considering she got rid of everything in there.

Unfortunately for me, and my office chair, she decided to get rid of a large portion of the "trash" in one toss, after taking an approximately 12 hour break. (You know, that break where you think she's finally moved on out to visit someone else for a few weeks. So you let down your guard a bit.)

So there I sit, and whoosh. Which I hope is enough of a description because I'm running out of euphemisms. Let's just say when I stood up to check it out, I realized I had not accidentally sat on a strawberry. And then I felt it again. And I momentarily thought maybe I was hemorrhaging. So in the middle of my office (after shutting and locking my door of course) I dropped my pants to check it out. And did what I could to clean up with some Cozi napkins that I had left over from lunch.

Then I called my boss, whose office if like ten yards away from mine, told her I had to go home, and slunk out the back door.

At least this time my pants were black, and my car has leather seats.

So what's your worst period in public related story?



  1. Ugh....that just brought back high school period memories I wanted to forget!

    Once, I had to back out of school with my sweatshirt tied around my waste. It totally screamed, "Hello! I have period on my pants!"

  2. Yep - i should have taken notice..... lol

    But that being said I'm now in touch with my feminine side and thank WHOEVER will listen that im a man!!!

    Although to be fair - i did not know there was that many euphemisms for Aunt Flo, so now im educ-mac-ated.

    I can remember when i had sex education here in Australia (yes we learn about everything - not just abstinence) in the mid 80's the guys were both amazed and disturbed that..... how shall i put it:

    "WHAT - you bleed for 7 days and don't die.... NO WAY!"

    Token male over and out.

  3. I still can't seem to be on top of things, and have tossed a number of items in the trash after carelessness. Sigh. You are brave to post that! ;) But you are not alone!

  4. i was wearing white painters pants, the same ones that my mother nearly killed me when i played touch football the same day she got them for me, and slid in the grass & mud. those faint grass stains never did come out. anyway, i was in junior high, and my period started. i was clueless, nobody bothered to tell me, and in that school only the tough girls hung out in the bathroom. so i walked the halls of the school, ate my lunch, went to my classes, got on the bus, and got home where i raced to the bathroom. that's when i saw what everyone else saw: my pants were horribly bloody around the crotch. completely disgusting and unbelievably embarrassing.

    that's the best thing about getting a hysterectomy. no more stinkin' visits from aunt flo!