Friday, October 20, 2006

Like I said yesterday, I'm pretty much resigned to the results. Since the retrievel, I haven't felt positive about it. But then of course I start to worry that my negative feelings led to a negative result. But really, is that rational?

I'm not sure how Amazing Daddy is feeling about this. I know he's disappointed, but he also said he's happy with the family we have. He doesn't have the need that I do to carry and birth a baby. AD doesn't talk about things that bother him. It frustrates me, and leaves me guessing, and often feeling like he just doesn't feel anything.

AD was so sweet and sent me a big bouquet of flowers yesterday to cheer me up. So thoughtful! What I really needed though was for him to come home and hold me and share his disappointment.

I have so much guilt right now. Mostly regarding the expense of all this, with nothing to show for it. How do I justify spending even more if we do go on? Yet, how do I not go on?

Am I being selfish? The boy frequently talks about wanting a brother/sister (one entity in his mind I think). But really, he's 3 1/2, does he understand what he's asking for? At the same time though, doesn't he deserve to have a brother or sister to share his life with? But we could solve that by adopting again. At what point do I force myself to give up the need/desire to be pregnant and be satisfied with adoption?

I know that I need to and want to explore donor egg or donor embryo. I just don't know how to get AD on board with it. I know he'll never "need" it the way I do, but I need him to understand how I feel and to want a child enough to make these sacrifices.

Leggy, you asked if we had looked in to embryo adoption. Do you have any suggestions on where to start with that?


  1. SK, I know what you mean about worrying that the worrying is causing bad things to happen. I think Nina (from Stella/Ben) had a post about jinxing which talked about this feeling. I feel it too, but it doesn't stop the worrying unfortunately.

    That is really sweet about SH sending you the bouquet. He knows you are hurting, but it is just different for men. They think they need to be the strong ones. I'm sure he is feeling *something*. Being happy with the family he has is reason to want to spread the joy to another one. I wonder if he is pretending not to have any vested interest so the potential failure won't hurt as much...?

    I hate that we have to worry about money with IVF - like it's a "product" and worrying about "results". Insurance should cover this! It's ridiculous! But I agree, how can you not go on?

    I think you are right to explore your other options as well (donor egg, donor embryo, adoption). I don't know the right answer for you, but I do think it's a good idea to look into it.

    I hope you had a great weekend and are starting to feel some closure on the last cycle.


    p.s. thanks for your comment on my last post - I hope to turn around "our stats" this cycle too!

  2. I'm so sorry about the neg result. It just totally sucks and there are no words to describe it. I have always had donor eggs or embryos in the back of my mind as good options.