Like I said yesterday, I'm pretty much resigned to the results. Since the retrievel, I haven't felt positive about it. But then of course I start to worry that my negative feelings led to a negative result. But really, is that rational?

I'm not sure how Amazing Daddy is feeling about this. I know he's disappointed, but he also said he's happy with the family we have. He doesn't have the need that I do to carry and birth a baby. AD doesn't talk about things that bother him. It frustrates me, and leaves me guessing, and often feeling like he just doesn't feel anything.

AD was so sweet and sent me a big bouquet of flowers yesterday to cheer me up. So thoughtful! What I really needed though was for him to come home and hold me and share his disappointment.

I have so much guilt right now. Mostly regarding the expense of all this, with nothing to show for it. How do I justify spending even more if we do go on? Yet, how do I not go on?

Am I being selfish? The boy frequently talks about wanting a brother/sister (one entity in his mind I think). But really, he's 3 1/2, does he understand what he's asking for? At the same time though, doesn't he deserve to have a brother or sister to share his life with? But we could solve that by adopting again. At what point do I force myself to give up the need/desire to be pregnant and be satisfied with adoption?

I know that I need to and want to explore donor egg or donor embryo. I just don't know how to get AD on board with it. I know he'll never "need" it the way I do, but I need him to understand how I feel and to want a child enough to make these sacrifices.

Leggy, you asked if we had looked in to embryo adoption. Do you have any suggestions on where to start with that?

As expected

Well, no surprise here. The pregnancy test was negative.

I had a few spurts of hope earlier in the week when I did a couple HPT's and had some very faint lines. Of course I did an HCG booster last week, so the rational part of me knew that it was a false positive.

I'm frustrated, but resigned I guess. Dr. C wants us to come in for a consult, so we will see him November 3rd.

I want to move on to donor eggs or embryo's, but as usual, it comes down to the money. As of now we have spent over $80K between The Boy's adoption and all the fertility treatments. I don't regret a penny of the adoption, but it's hard to see another 40 grand flushed down the toilet. That's money that should be for our retirement, or to help buy a house, so TB has an actual yard and we don't have to hear the neighbors through the walls, or for TB's college fund. Or a safe car for me, instead of the rust bucket I'm currently driving.

It all comes down to money. The emotional part of this sucks, but I'd do it over and over again if I had to. If we could afford to. Until we have a baby.

How do you give up a dream of being a mother just because you can't afford it?

Updates

You would think that having three days in bed I would write like crazy, but no. Although I did catch up on a lot of reading, including my favorite blogs.

So, anyway, three embryos were transferred on Thursday; a six cell, a seven cell and an eight cell. I'm trying to be positive. The transfer itself went very well. So much better than last time. They let me pee a little bit just before, so I wasn't in agony and was able to relax. I was able to watch the monitor of the ultrasound so I could see what was going on, which also helped me focus and relax. Last time I was having a lot of pain in my lower abdomen from my ovaries, this time I didn't have any pain. And I've felt good since. Maybe since every thing was different with this cycle from the last one, the outcome will be different too.

So I'm up today, I"m catching up on the laundry and cleaned the bathroom, changed the sheets, and now I'm getting ready to do some work on the laptop. You know, all the work I should have done over the last three days when I couldn't move and the laptop was my constant companion. I had a huge list of things computer related I was going to get done, and I did none of them.

If interested, my brother and his family are doing well. They are living with my parents right now but a "double wide" should be arriving next week for them to live in while their house is rebuilt. The insurance company has been great they said.

Thanks for everyone's kind thoughts!

A bit of perspective, and a reminder to give thanks for what you already have

I received the following email from my mom today:

Kristie and AD,

Sure are thinking about you and know that it is a hard time for you, but I know that you will be hurt if Idon't tell you. I think that email is a gentler way. You can read it at your leisure. Mike and Kari'shouse was hit by lightning last night. Seven firetrucks, ambulance and police car. They got out O.K. Kari had a close escape. She was putting things into the freezer after a late trip to WalMart. The lightning hit the TV antenna about 11:00, went down the wires right behind the freezer and arked out at her feet. She had very thick wedgie shoes on (3/4")and it cut the sole in half and popped out a staple. The fire was in the attic. Fire men and women were wonderful. Lots of water damage. Insurance adjuster hasn't arrived yet, (12:30pm on Tuesday) so we don'tknow what's up yet. They spent the rest of the night here, 2:30 on. K & M have emptied their fridge and freezer into ours. Your Dad thinks he's died and goneto heaven with all the REAL food in the house. We're expecting them to be here for a while. Love you and hope that tomorrow goes O.K. I'll be thinking about you. Love you all. Mom Dad, too!


Mike is my brother. They live on "the farm" in Michigan with my parents, cousin, aunt/uncle etc.

Everyone is ok, and I can't believe how lucky my sister in law was. Like me, she tends to go around the house barefoot. Thank god she had those shoes on.

It sounds like they lost the second story, and over night their bedroom floor fell in to their living room. They were able to get some stuff out (like pictures, heirloom china, etc.) before the firemen got there. I think that my oldest nephews stuff is likely ok too since his bedroom is on the first floor. All my brothers and SIL clothes are ruined, as are my two younger nephews. I'm not sure about there books and toys.

I hate being so far away. There isn't much I can do for them here in Philly. I imagine they'll be living with my parents for a while.

Thank god they are all ok!

It's not looking great...

I admit I haven't gone in to this cycle with much optimism. I've basically had the "if I don't think it will work, I won't be devastated when it doesn't" attitude. I wish it was that simple.

The ultrasound on Saturday showed some awesome follicles, certainly not a predictor of what I'm hearing today.

Egg report today:
13 eggs retrieved
8 were mature
rare, nonmotile sperm in sample
frozen sperm sample used
4 eggs fertilized

Well, you know 4 eggs today is unlikely to mean 4 embryos at transfer.

Last cycle:
14 eggs retrieved
10 mature
8 fertilized
7 became 4 cells day 2
4 were 8 cells or better at transfer
0 took

Apparently one of my ovaries was tucked behind my uterus yesterday, and they couldn't really get to it. I assume they got some from it or I wouldn't have had the 13.

I'm the kind of person that needs answers. And statistics. I need to know what the odds are that my 4 fertilized eggs will be 4 tomorrow, and what the chances are that they will be any on Thursday. I need to know why they couldn't get to the one ovary and how hard they tried. I need to know if using the frozen sample is why only 50% fertilized, when 80% fertilized last time. I need to know if our chance of getting pregnant would be better if we used the donor sperm we have frozen on backup. I need to know why Sparklyhusband has sperm one day and not another. I need to know that this result isn't because yesterday was a holiday (Yom Kippur) and everyone was in a hurry to get out of there, and it wasn't the "second string" embryologist doing the work.

What I don't need to hear is "all you need is one."

It's a number game, and the less there are, the lower the chances.

We have spent over 80K between our fertility treatments and the adoption of The Boy. I don't think I can justify the expense of another cycle. But at the same time I'm not sure I can give up all my dreams of being pregnant and having another child.

I'm back in to the "it's not fair" funk.

IVF #2 - retrieval

Retrieval day today. Bakers dozen recovered.

I'm confused, and disappointed. I had 20 follicles on my last ultrasound Saturday morning.

Amazing Daddy said they had a difficult time getting to my one ovary. Not sure what that means, and he didn't ask I guess. And someone said, can't really remember if they told me, or they told him, that they didn't go after the small follicles. I guess that could account for the discrepancy. I want to know why they didn't go for them though.

I woke up during the procedure, it hurt! Not sure why I woke up. I'm pretty sure they put me right back under. Damn Versed, I can't remember anything.

So when I finally did wake up and asked how it went, the nurse anesthetist told me 13. I started to cry. That wasn't enough. She couldn't understand why I was so upset. No one could. Damn people. Am I the only one who understands this is a numbers game?

On the other necessary part of this equation...AD had no sperm in his sample from last night and this morning. Again. And no one even cares to know why. Fortunately, one of the samples that was frozen had some and they were motile when thawed, so the embryologist felt confident that she could find 13 sperm. I'm assuming since we haven't heard from them that they did. I guess we'll know more tomorrow.

So I'm home, and crampy, and I slept a few hours this afternoon. The cats are happy to have me in bed again.

Tomorrow I'll go to the library to stock up on books to read after the transfer. And the grocery store. I think chocolate will factor heavily on that grocery list.

Egg update tomorrow.