So many things have gone through my head this weekend. As I fell asleep in Amazing Daddy's arms Friday night I realized that what I was feeling mostly was empty. More than the disappointment and sadness, was emptiness.
It's not something I really feel I can say out loud to anyone, because it sounds so selfish. How can I say I'm empty when I have an amazing husband and a little boy that I love with all my heart. How dare I want more? How dare I say my life isn't enough for me?
In a way it's harder because I know that AD feels like his life is full already. He's happy with the family we have now. He doesn't "need" another child the way I do. He is already fulfilled.
Then I wonder how The Boy will feel if we do have another child. Will he ever wonder why he wasn't "enough" for me? Or if he's not as good as a child that I'm able to give birth to? But it's none of that. My feelings have nothing to do with any of that. The emptiness I feel has nothing to do with what I have.
I'm not sure I know how to explain it. In a way the emptiness is because of what I've never been able to experience. I was definitely one of those little girls who played mommy and baby. I always knew I wanted children. I decided not to go to medical school because I wanted a family more, and I didn't believe that was a career I could have and have a family at the same time. From my twenties on I've always had this fear that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant. I actually had a doctor as me if I was fulfilling my own prophecy when I told him this. This was early on, before we did any tests. I think after my first HSG when he realized something was right, he regretted saying that, but still. What makes a woman fear something like that? I was a good girl. I was a virgin until I was 22 (not that I don't regret that now). I never messed around. I was ultra careful not to get pregnant before I was married. And knowing I was being a good girl, I still worried that I would never get my chance.
So how DO I explain this emptiness? How do I explain it to my husband in a way that he doesn't think I'm saying he's not enough for me? How do I ensure that TB never wonders if he wasn't enough for me.
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AD says we can do one more cycle. And I know that really that is all we can afford. But the pressure of knowing we only have one more shot at this is a lot. I can't imagine how I'll feel knowing it's the last shot.
The other pressure I feel is my age. At this point if I do get pregnant on the next cycle, I'll be 39 when I have the baby. AD will be 50 (not that any one would ever believe it). We'll be old parents. Is that fair to a child?
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So I gave myself the weekend to wallow. Tomorrow I will get up and move forward with a smile on my face, no matter how empty my heart.
There's a lot of us dealing with secondary IF that feel or felt that same kind of emptiness (they've since had their second). Do you read anotherchild.com? Its a blog for moms dealing or who have dealt with secondary IF.
ReplyDeleteI'll definately check that one out. I've never been quite sure where I fall in to this IF world. Is there a catagory for IF after adoption. Actually, IF along, with time off for adoption. Most people I know did IVF before adoption, or adoption after secondary IF. We stopped IF treatment after several IUI's the first time. We wanted the sure thing. At the time I didn't realize how important it was going to be for me to actually experience the pregnancy, birth ,etc. It really has nothing to do with genetics for me. I don't actually think SH and my gene's are anything to brag about. I just need to experience it. Our RE thinks I'm crazy to even consider donor egg at this point. Anyway, thats why I worry about PA. I don't ever want him to think he was "second" choice. I can't imagine our life without him, and if we had done IVF back then, we wouldn't have him.
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