The desire to procreate

I want another baby. It is s pretty much at the top of my list of obsessions right now. No matter how many times I remind myself how exhausted I am all the time with just one non-stop whirling dervish of an almost three-year old, I can not stop the phantom feelings of holding another baby in my arms.

And this time, I want to carry the child in my own tummy. I do not want to have to travel half way around the world twice, and spend $40k in the process. I do not want to miss out on the first six months (likely more these days) of his or her life. I do not want to always wonder what did happen during that time and just how much did it screw them up?

I love my little Boy There is no way I could love him more. I wouldn't change things if I could! Even knowing now the issues he is facing, I still wouldn't do anything differently involved in bringing him home to us. Well, I might change the flight to Moscow that smelled like feet, but really, it is quite a story to able to tell.

I'm considering doing IF treatment again. Three and a half years ago we stopped treatments after six IUI'ss. We decided that we wanted a baby more than I wanted/needed to actually carry it inside me. We weren't willing to risk the tens of thousands of dollars to do IVF without a guarantee of having a baby in the end. I know we made the right decision, then...

Now though, I want to carry a baby inside me, I want to give birth to it, and I want to be able to nurture it from day one. I need to do this. I know I will never feel totally complete until I can do this. Maybe this is selfish, but I don't care. I am being honest.

Certainly some of this desire to try again is because I think it might actually be possible. I've recently lost almost 40 pounds and I know my health has improved. We don't really know why I wasn't able to get pregnant before with assistance (I say with assistance because my husband was the one that needed help, in a nut shell, he just isn't as juicy as he could be, lots of swimmers in a very small pond if you will), so I always speculated that my being over weight was a factor, even though no doctor would actually come out and say it.

I called today to make an appointment at the fertility clinic and found out from them that our insurance no longer covers any treatments. They cover basic testing, that's it. Our prior insurance covered that as well as any lab work or ultrasounds needed during treatment, plus all doctor visits. We had to pay for the actual inseminations and all medications. IVF was still expensive, but some parts of it were covered.

It turns out that our plan with Aetna will do nothing to assist us in getting pregnant. And if we do get pregnant from ART Aetna will not cover any monitoring during the first trimester, which IF clinics seem to insist on.

I want to throw up right now I'm so discouraged. I knew that doing this would be expensive, but I guess I didn't understand just how much. My dream to have another child may be lost because of money. It's not like we don't have enough money to raise a child, we just don't have enough to create one it seems.

I'll go to the appointment on Thursday, at least the initial consultation is covered. I can't promise I wont cry though and act like a big ol' goober while I'm there.