Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Dr. Dick and the wayward Sperm -or - The things we do for our wives

So after much begging and cajoling, and use of Amazing Daddy's sexy phone voice, we managed to get in to see Dr. Dick (a.k.a. the fertility urologist) several weeks before our scheduled appointment.

Oh such fun, to sit across his desk and have him tell us nothing...NOTHING...NADA...ZILCH. "Hmmmm....nope, never really seen this happen before. I see you had sperm four years ago....yup...hmmm....blah...blah...blah."

Not one to just let it go...and believe me...I didn't. I pushed the issue a bit. Oh yes...I asked (insert appropriate scary music introduction) Dr. Dick questions...many questions. Questions that resulted in him pulling out a plastic prostate. And much pointing at things.

Ahhhh...Hmmmm...Yes, I understand. So, you can't really say for sure there is a blockage, in fact you don't think so. Hmm...Why Dr. Dick...How can you tell anything if you haven't even looked at my dear husband's penis yourself!!

And if he doesn't have sperm today, what makes you think he'll have some a month from now. And why won't you shove a needle in there and see if you can find any? Unnecessary procedure you say...hmmmm...

Ohhhh....So you'd rather wait for me to take a months worth of hormones, forcing my body first in to menopause, then in to ovarian hyperstimulation, then, and only then, when I have two ovaries bursting out of my abdomen with eggs (going to be optimistic on this one) would you consider trying to extract sperm from my husbands testicles. Really, because money and my health and SANITY comes second to poking the family jewels. Cause what the hell, why not take that big risk and put it all on the line with a chance that there will be no sperm to fertilize all my little eggs.

What? What's that Dr. Dick? Now you say maybe we should have a donor as backup?

Through most of this Amazing Daddy sits quietly back and listens. Perhaps enjoying watching Dr. Dick squirm, or perhaps, just too fucking embarrassed at his wife talking about his penis and prostate and urine flow, etc. etc. etc..

Finally, and I would bet a box of Thin Mints on this, just to shut me up, Dr. Dick said he would scope Amazing Daddys penis to see if there was a blockage in his urethra. So then AD pipes up and says "you owe me one." Oh yeah dear heart, maybe by the 47th time someone has stuck something up your weewee we might be about even, cause shit, the number of times I've had things shoved up my whoha, pieces pulled out, parts left in, etc. Not to mention the number of injections I've given myself and the ones he's poked me in the ass with.

So AD gets poked up both ends and what does Dr. Dick say? "The things we do for our wives."

Apparently AD went home feeling a little squishy that day. Good thing I keep his underwear nice and clean and folded in his drawer for him for these emergency squishy days.


  1. Can you find a new urologist? That's really outrageous- what a jerk. I agree- you shouldn't do another cycle until they clarify if there is sperm. And if he needs a needle stuck in his testicles, tough. As you say, we do they equivalent without batting an eyelash.

    And the nerve of him "the things we do for our wives." WTF?

  2. Ouch. Too much. No. Stop it. Crossing my legs.